carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.
CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.
CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.
CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.
CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET.
CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED.
CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.
CG: ONLY MY HATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.
CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU.
CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.
CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT.
CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.
EB: hi karkat!
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.
EB: oh man.
EB: this is it, isn't it?
EB: i've been looking forward to this!
CG: WHAT IS IT.
CG: ME HATING YOU IS WHAT'S IT.
CG: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO.
EB: no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective.
CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE.
EB: yeah, lots of times!
EB: i should introduce myself properly.
EB: hi karkat, i am john!
CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS.
EB: because we are buddies!
CG: I ADMIT I AM NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS
CG: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS "EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES".
EB: yup, we totally are.
EB: we just became earth human buddies in a kind of weird way.
EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure.
EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while.
EB: you talk to my friends a whole bunch too.
EB: you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan!
EB: which we are busy putting into motion right now, as you can see.
CG: THESE ARE LIES.
CG: I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE.
CG: I AM YOUR GOD, REMEMBER.
EB: yeah yeah, i know.
CG: WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.
CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS?
CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS.
EB: you mean the scratch?
EB: yes! that is the plan.
EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now.
CG: I DIDN'T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY.
CG: THAT WAS SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, OK?
CG: I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN.
CG: OK, HUMAN EGBERT.
CG: I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC.
CG: THERE IS NO CHANCE I WILL EVER HELP YOU.
CG: YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU OR WHY I HATE YOU.
CG: I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND.
CG: I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE.
CG: WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE.
CG: WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT.
CG: LIKE TYRANTS.
CG: IT WAS TO BE OUR PLAYTHING, JOHN.
CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SWEET IT WAS GOING TO BE.
CG: BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US.
EB: i knoooow.
EB: none of this is news to me, karkat!
EB: but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great.
EB: wanting to be tyrants and all.
EB: maybe you got what you deserved, you stutid fuckass!
CG: WOW, YOUR SPECIES REALLY IS BRAINDEAD.
EB: eh, it's an in-joke, never mind.
EB: anyway, hey!
EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING!
EB: come on bro, flame me!
EB: i have been really excited about this.
CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU?
CG: I MEAN
CG: DON'T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED.
CG: IT'S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE?
EB: i don't know, probably not.
EB: i just think it's kind of funny when you do it.
CG: THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS.
CG: BUT MAYBE IT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY
CG: THAT YOU WELCOME MY ACRIMONY SO READILY
CG: ON ACCOUNT OF PROBABLY SOME WEIRD GLAND HUMANS HAVE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING THING LIKE THAT.
CG: IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU.
EB: right about what?
CG: I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN.
CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY.
CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS.
CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONES I FUCKING MADE FOR YOU.
EB: ha ha, i don't hate you!
CG: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY CLAIM TO HAVE TALKED TO ME A LOT ALREADY AND NOT HATE ME, SEE IT DOESN'T ADD UP.
EB: are you saying that we are kisme-whatevers?
CG: WHAT, NO.
CG: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION.
CG: IT'S INSULTING.
CG: I MEAN
CG: OK I'M NOT SAYING I'M RULING OUT THE IDEA OR ANYTHING.
CG: LIKE IF LATER OVER TIME YOU STARTED REALLY HATING ME MORE
CG: LIKE REALLY GOT TO KNOW ME AND FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO HATE
CG: BUT... IN THE PAST I GUESS? I'M JUST SAYING WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN.
CG: OR HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.
CG: FUCK WHAT AM I BABBLING ABOUT.
CG: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WE JUST MET FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CG: AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EVER GOING TO MEET IN PERSON, SO IT'S ALL A MOOT POINT.
CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
EB: i just didn't really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard.
CG: WHAT FEELINGS, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS, END OF DISCUSSION.
EB: hey, i don't have a problem with your weird sort of alien hate-love thing!
EB: it is just that, uh...
EB: i am not a homosexual.
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy.
EB: or i guess hates, in this case.
CG: HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT?
CG: HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?
EB: shrug. it just is.
CG: HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD.
EB: i am just as confused by your troll shenanigans.
EB: so many shenanigans!
EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing.
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THING.
EB: like, i dunno.
EB: going on weird fight dates and beating the crap out of each other, and being in hate-love or love-hate.
EB: isn't that how it works?
CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IGNORAMUS I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH.
CG: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT.
EB: um, i talked to you...
EB: and her...
EB: and some others. i don't know! like i said it's just a sense i got.
CG: OK FIRST OF ALL, IF THERE WERE A "THING" WITH HER, AND THAT'S A HUGE IF
CG: IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUADRANT THAN WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT.
EB: oh god, the quadrants...
CG: SECOND, WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON'T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER
CG: IT'S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN.
CG: GOT IT????????
EB: ok, sheesh!
EB: karkat, i am going to be honest...
EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all!
EB: it is really kind of...
CG: WOW, IT IS
CG: OK, LOOK.
CG: LET'S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.
CG: THE STUFF I WAS BABBLING ABOUT EARLIER.
EB: yeah, well we never really talked about it in the past, so i guess we do agree to that.
CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN
CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS
CG: YOU'LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT
CG: SO I GUESS
CG: I'LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS?
EB: told you bro!!!!!!!
CG: YOU REALLY ARE A SMUG NOOK WHIFFER, JOHN EGBERT.
CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE.
CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.
EB: you mean platonic hate?
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT, REMEMBER.
EB: oh yeah.
CG: SO YOU WANTED TO GET TROLLED, WELL YOU GOT IT.
CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION.
CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG.
EB: oh boy, this sounds great.
EB: we're out of time!
EB: i have to go put this plan into motion.
CG: OH I SEE, TAKING THE COWARD'S WAY OUT.
CG: SCAMPERING OFF TO GET ANNIHILATED BY A DEADLY RIFT, HOW CONVENIENT.
CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET.
CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU.
CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT.
CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON.
EB: see you soon!
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]