FUCK IT.
I'LL JUST TYPE IN ALL BIG LETTERS. EVEN THE U'S. WHO CARES.
Aw, looks like someone just took his first big step toward growing up!
ACTUALLY, TYPING THIS WAY IS A LOT EASIER. LOOKS LIKE I WIN THIS ROUND ASSHOLE.
Win what? I was the one advocating the use of caps lock in the first place, doofus.
DON'T ANTAGONIZE ME. YOU AREN'T A FUNNY PERSON.
I CAN TELL YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY. I MAY HAVE PROBLEMS LEARNING.
BUT I KNOW WHEN A PIECE OF GARBAGE IS TRYING TO BE FUNNY. UNSUCCESSFULLY.
You're right. I do think I'm funny sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong though.
HAHA! YOU ARE. JUST A WRONG AND UNFUNNY GUY.
We all have our flaws to overcome. I do my best, just like you.
Think of all you've done in spite of your learning problems. You don't let your disability hold you back, do you?
I GUESS.
You won that game of chess with that stupid gambit. Switching the hats, remember? It was a lame ploy, and totally not in the spirit of the rules, but it got under her skin enough to force a loss anyway.
You also hired Jack to murder your sister. Which was a dick move, but reasonably clever.
YES.
THOSE THINGS I DID WERE GREAT.
Well, they weren't great so much as terrible. But the point is you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.
Just because you struggle with learning doesn't mean you can't realize your destiny. You just have to work a little harder at it.
And if you're dealt a lousy hand - and you definitely were with this shitty solo session - then you have to work even harder.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
I know you will.
You are going to prove all the haters wrong, exceed your own limitations by miles, and accomplish more than you ever dreamed possible.
Yours is quite an inspiring story, actually. It's just a shame that all of your accomplishments will be so horrible.
But that's really beside the point.
YEAH, I ALREADY KNEW I WAS INCREDIBLE AND SPECIAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO. INSPIRE ME. SAVE YOUR BREATH FUCKHEAD.
No, I don't give a shit about making you feel better about yourself.
I'm not your guardian or your sprite or your exile or your fucking life coach. I'm just saying some things that are true through the narrative prompt.
Take the facts or leave them!
MOST OF YOUR FACTS ARE BORING SO FAR.
I WOULD LIKE BETTER AND MORE USEFUL FACTS. RIGHT NOW.
You may be destined for bigger things, but you're still an atrocious, stupid child.
And you may have won the "game" with your sister, but that doesn't mean it was the best thing for your development as a person.
You had her dream self killed, which is not an opportunity your species typically gets. So she died prematurely, instead of allowing the conflict within you to settle itself naturally.
In short, you forced your predomination to happen a little too early, and now you're stuck.
STUCK?
Yes. Your personality is stuck in some sort of cantankerous prepubescent limbo. You are going to be a stunted, miserable tool forever.
WELL, HOW LONG WAS I EVEN SUPPOSED TO WAIT. FOR THAT TWEE BITCH TO GET OUT OF MY SKULL.
It's kind of sad. You don't really know anything about your own species, do you?
AND I GUESS YOU DO?
Uh, yeah?
Pretty much everything.
TELL ME THEN.
No.
GOD. DAMN IT.