Thank you.
Now what exactly would you like to know?
EVERYTHING.
Everything is a lot.
Care to narrow it down a little?
OBVIOUSLY NOT THE BORING IRRELEVANT THINGS.
DEFINITELY NOT THINGS LIKE. WHO KISSES PEOPLE. WITH THEIR UNPLEASANT NONSKELETAL SMOOSHY LIPS.
JUST ALL THE THINGS THAT I NEED TO KNOW TO WIN THIS GAME.
That's not how adventures work though.
You don't just make some omniscient narrator inside a computer tell you everything all at once.
There's like this whole process to it. You reveal certain things at the right time, depending on whether the hero has met certain requirements and is ready to learn those things.
What you learn and what I tell you is more up to you than it is to me.
WHO CARES.
I DON'T WANT YOUR EXCUSES.
Aren't you excited about your adventure? About being unchained for the first time ever, and getting to explore this mysterious place, and meeting people and solving puzzles that will lead to the realization of who you were meant to be, and how you fit into this epic?
NO.
SO FAR. THE ADVENTURE IS BORING, AND FRUSTRATING, AND CONSISTS OF AN IDIOT IN A COMPUTER, AND A CLOWN WHO WON'T DIE.
I WANT TO KNOW WHEN I GET TO START FUCKING SHIT UP.
You'll definitely get to do that later.
WHEN.
Not long from now.
LIKE. IN A COUPLE HOURS. OR.
That's up to you. There are puzzles to solve all over your planet. Your mentor can help.
The sooner you do that, the sooner the fun will begin.
YOU REALLY AREN'T TELLING ME ANYTHING.
WE HAD A DEAL. I PUT THE CROWBAR DOWN. NOW TELL ME THINGS.
Why don't we narrow the scope of the Q&A then?
Try asking very specific questions, and I'll decide if it would be appropriate to answer at this time.
YEAH. GOOD IDEA.
THEN MY FIRST QUESTION IS.
WHAT IS THE PLACE.
The Medium. You are in your game session.
I KNOW THAT.
WHAT'S THIS PLANET, I MEAN.
It was called Earth.
EARTH. THAT'S IT?
Yes.
Weren't all the Statues of Liberty a dead giveaway?
If you see one or more shitty old Statues of Liberty on any post-apocalyptic wasteland planet, that automatically means it was Earth all along, as a rule.
Then when you realize that, you're supposed to have a mental breakdown.
I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH THIS RULE. AND SKEPTICAL OF ITS VERACITY.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT EARTH.
It's the place humans are from. But that was a very long time ago, with respect to the planet's current age.
Earth has been through a lot. It was even relocated a couple times.
YES. I BROUGHT IT WITH ME, I THINK.
INTO THE GAME.
Yes. But it was relocated once even before that.
It was moved from its native solar system, where it circled around a little yellow sun.
Then it founds its way to a new system, around your big red sun. It stayed there for a good while, until your sun started dying.
WHY WOULD SOMEONE MOVE A PLANET.
Its universe was about to explode. So its proprietor closed up shop and got it the hell out of there.
HOW.
That's not important for you to know. Suffice to say, planets just have a way of scooting around in this adventure.
OK. WHY IS THIS MY PLANET IN THE GAME THOUGH.
Cause your kernelsprite turned into a black hole and sucked it into your session?
NO I MEAN. I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A COOL AND SPECIAL PLACE.
LIKE A LAND OF SOMETHING AND SOMETHING.
You do.
You just have to unlock it.
That is when your real quest will begin.
HOW DO I DO THAT.
You know. Finding keys. Solving problems.
All the potential for extraordinary achievements in your quest must be unlocked first.
We've been over this.
WHERE DO I FIND THE KEYS.
I don't know.
LIES.
Why would I know that? You think I'm like an encyclopedia on key locations??
I got better things to think about than where all your stupid keys are.
Find them yourself. Better hop to it!
NO. MORE QUESTIONS FIRST.
WHAT AM I ULTIMATELY STRIVING TO UNLOCK.
TO MAKE MY REAL LAND APPEAR.
IS IT SOME SORT OF GIANT, FANCY KEYHOLE.
No. More like a big door.
A DOOR TO WHAT.
TREASURE?
Kind of.
If there's any treasure in there, it would be guarded by your denizen.
WHAT'S THAT.
A powerful monster that rules your planet, asleep in the core.
He appeared there the moment Earth got sucked into your session.
WHAT KIND OF MONSTER.
IS IT A DEADLY, CHALLENGING MONSTER?
Yes.
He is the deadliest, most challenging denizen of all.
He very rarely appears in game sessions, and is usually designated for the most naturally gifted warriors.
His name is Yaldabaoth.