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13/04/09
"Homestuck"



A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?


13/04/09
"Enter name."






13/04/09
"Try again."






13/04/09
"Examine room."



Your name is JOHN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?


13/04/09
"John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer."



Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord!


13/04/09
"Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST."



Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.


13/04/09
"John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST."



You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS.

You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though.

There are other items in the chest.


13/04/09
"John: Examine contents of chest."



In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.

You are neither of these things.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.


13/04/09
"John: Captchalogue smoke pellets."



You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least.

You have two empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS remaining.


13/04/09
"John: Equip fake arms."



You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.

Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!

Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.


13/04/09
"John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster."



Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases.

There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon.


13/04/09
"John: Read note on drawer."



This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES.

Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER.


13/04/09
"John: Take poster."



Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. You wonder what is printed on the poster.

You'll need some way to hang it on your wall.


13/04/09
"John: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy."



You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.

But now all of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the NAILS?

You guess it doesn't hurt to try.


13/04/09
"John: Take nails."



You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.

The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!

Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences.

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.


13/04/09
"John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk."



This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

And yet the polished surface of your desk...

It beckons.


14/04/09
"John: Combine the nails and hammer."



You MERGE the top two cards.

The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together.


14/04/09
"John: Use hammer/nails on poster."



You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.


14/04/09
"John: Nail poster to wall."



You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. The old man really came through this time.


14/04/09
"John: Examine Con Air poster."



PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX?


14/04/09
"John: Examine Deep Impact poster."



Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES.

WOW.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a black president??? Now you've seen everything!


14/04/09
"John: Examine calendar."



You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH.

It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you.


14/04/09
"John: Eat cake."



You are sick to death of cake!!! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your COMPUTER. Someone is messaging you.


15/04/09
"John: Examine incoming message."



You pull up to your COMPUTER. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.


15/04/09
"John: Open Pesterchum."



Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. He's sent you a message.


15/04/09
"John: Open message."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:13 --

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today
EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here
EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?
TG: but
TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken
TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory
EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?
EB: try using your brain numbnuts.
TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like
TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous
EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.
TG: ok i can accept that
TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters
TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face
TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it
TG: did you get the beta yet
EB: no.
EB: did you?
TG: man i got two copies already
TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring
TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro????
EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.
TG: yeah
TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now
EB: alright.


15/04/09
"John: Look out window."



You see the view of your yard from your window.

Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL.

And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.


15/04/09
"John: Examine mailbox."



The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up!

What the hell is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. And that means the beta might be here!


15/04/09
"John: Go outside and check mailbox."



You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store.

Oh great. He is beating you to the mail.


15/04/09
"John: Forget it. Check mail later."



If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

And now your chum is pestering you again. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity!

Whatever. The dude can just hold his damn horses.


15/04/09
"John: Examine games on CD rack."



You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles.


16/04/09
"John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT."



You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. Good grief this thing is huge. It could kill a cat if you dropped it.

But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet.


16/04/09
"John: Captchalogue fake arms again."



What did you just say?? You don't want to clog up your...

Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again.


16/04/09
"John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully"."



You don't think the situation is quite dire enough to go all the way to "RANCOROUS", but you still feel the PESTERCHUM client should reflect your mood change in some way.

"BULLY" will have to do. You guess.

This unsurprisingly does nothing whatsoever.

Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.


16/04/09
"John: Answer chum."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: is it there
TG: plz say yes
TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it
TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her
TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything
EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.
TG: thank you
EB: jk haha.
EB: no, i don't have it yet.
EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.
EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.
EB: it's so frustrating.
TG: whats your modus
EB: what?
TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it
EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.
TG: stack?? hahahahahaha
EB: what is yours?
TG: hash map
TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome
EB: what the hell is that?
TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures
EB: i guess.
TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus
EB: no.
TG: it could free up a card for you
TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle
TG: which is never
TG: what have you got
EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.
TG: wow you really suck at this dont you
TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus
EB: how?
TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works


16/04/09
"John: Combine fake arms with cake."



You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.

This definitely makes the CAKE at least 300% more hilarious. You're sure COLONEL SASSACRE would know the precise index of elevated hilarity.


16/04/09
"John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus."



You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.


16/04/09
"John: Select "HAMMER"."



Your STRIFE SPECIBUS has been ALLOCATED with the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS.

The HAMMER has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.


16/04/09
"John: Report progress to TG."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok, i did it.
TG: hammerkind?
EB: yeah.
TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus
TG: i guess i should have mentioned that
EB: uh...
TG: hope you like hammers dude!
EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.


16/04/09
"John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book."



Now that you've got some space in your SYLLADEX to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.


16/04/09
"John: Examine GameBro Magazine."






16/04/09
"John: Read article."






16/04/09
"John: Captchalogue GameBro."



It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.


17/04/09
"John: Captchalogue magician's hat."



You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.


17/04/09
"John: Get funny glasses too."



You don't have a free card in your SYLLADEX!

However, you are able to MERGE the BEAGLE PUSS with the MAGICIAN'S HAT to create a CLEVER DISGUISE.


17/04/09
"John: Wear disguise to fool dad."



John? Who is this "John" you speak of? You are quite certain there has never been, nor ever will be...

Yeah, this is a really shitty disguise.

While you are wearing the items, they remain on the card, but it is temporarily removed from the deck, thus freeing up the cards beneath it.


17/04/09
"John: Leave room."



You exit into the HALLWAY.

On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart. You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera. But your DAD swears on the many HALLOWED TOMBS of Egypt that it is not. You're not sure about that though.

On the other wall is one of your DAD'S stupid clowns. Or HARLEQUINS, as he is quick to correct anyone who would venture such brazen assumption.


17/04/09
"John: Go downstairs."



The accursed odor of fresh baking wafts into your newfound nostrils. Something is brewing in the KITCHEN. It must be the connivings of your arch nemesis, BETTY CROCKER, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stinks to high heaven.

This mission is going to be more difficult than you imagined.


18/04/09
"John: Admire harlequins."



You check out the shelves of FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

Look at this fucking garbage. You hate this stuff. Funny is funny, but your DAD sure can be a real cornball.

Sometimes at night you pray for burglars.


18/04/09
"John: Examine fireplace."



A bright orange flame flickers in the FIREPLACE. It doesn't matter that it's April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a FIREPLACE needs a fire, because that's what FIREPLACE is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception.

As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain

You are almost certain Mark Twain said that.


18/04/09
"John: Toss GameBro into fire."



It doesn't burn as quickly as you hoped.

Each GAMEBRO MAGAZINE is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo.


18/04/09
"John: Fondly regard cremation."



You examine the SACRED URN containing your departed NANNA'S ASHES.

When your father gives her portrait a wistful glance now and then, you can tell it brings back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged COLONEL SASSACRE'S.

He never wants to talk about it.


18/04/09
"John: Topple urn."



You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN. Ash is everywhere.

In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

You'd probably better clean it up before DAD finds it.


18/04/09
"John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise."



You think now would be a good time to beef up your CLEVER DISGUISE.


18/04/09
"John: Examine oversized gift."



Contemplating what could be inside this package is sort of exciting, but it makes you a little nervous at the same time.


18/04/09
"John: Open large present."



Oh hell no.


19/04/09
"John: Captchalogue ashes."



First you prop the HARLEQUIN DOLL up on the couch. Having it in the middle of the floor sprawled out all akimbo like that struck you as unseemly.

You captchalogue the ASHES to your available card.


19/04/09
"John: Combine ashes with urn."



You merge the SACRED URN with the ASHES.

Most of the ASH is back in the URN, but it's a total mess. Really it probably would have been tidier if you just used a broom and dustpan.


19/04/09
"John: Put urn back."



No one will be the wiser.

Except maybe for people with eyes.


19/04/09
"John: Go get fake arms again."



You just got another BRILLIANT idea for something to do with those pointless arms. You pry them out of the CAKE and captchalogue them.

Looks like PESTERCHUM is acting up again.


19/04/09
"John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room."






19/04/09
"John: Check Pesterchum."



Another one of your chums is messaging you.


19/04/09
"John: Check message."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.
EB: that's an ugly rumor.
EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.
EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.
TT: I can't control myself.
TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.
EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.
EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb
TT: John.
EB: what?
TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?
TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.
EB: no, why would you even think that??
EB: that's so stupid.
TT: Ok.
TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?
EB: alright, wish me luck.
EB: oh, btw...
EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.
EB: gotcha! hehehehe
TT: I know, John.


19/04/09
"John: Go back downstairs."



You can now execute that brilliant idea you had.

There should be just enough FROSTING on the FAKE ARMS to serve as an adequate adhesive.


19/04/09
"John: Attach arms to doll."



Hehehehehehehehe.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier.


19/04/09
"John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor."



You put this back in the fire where it belongs.


20/04/09
"John: Throw present wrap in fire."



As long as you're cleaning up...


20/04/09
"John: Captchalogue doll."



You can carry hefty items, but that thing is just way too big. Get real!

Besides, you don't even want it.


20/04/09
"John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text."



You thought about consulting the text to determine exactly how hilarious the doll is now.

But this text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion. You decide to forget it.


20/04/09
"John: Find dad and retrieve mail."



The door on the left leads to the KITCHEN, from which the smell of baking wafts -- a powerful aroma which could lift an especially portly hobo off his feet.

The door on the right leads to the STUDY, where your DAD spends a lot of time.

He could be in either room. Where will you go?


20/04/09
"John: Go in the study."



It doesn't look like he's in here right now.


21/04/09
"John: Examine father's desk."



On the desk is a DECK OF PLAYING CARDS, one of your DAD'S PIPES, the April issue of THE SERIOUS JESTER magazine, and a stray CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.

There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon.

A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.


21/04/09
"John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack."



You swap the MAGICIAN'S HAT with the BOWLER HAT.

This disguise is somewhat less funny, but A LOT more distinguished looking.


21/04/09
"John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise."



Your DAD maintains numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe is like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE IS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASK ME.

You'd rather not take the PIPE, though. The first one tastes bad enough as it is.

How you suffer for your comedy.


21/04/09
"John: Examine captchalogue card."



Yes!!! This will be perfect for expanding the space in your SYLLA...


21/04/09
"John: Captchalogue captchalogue card."



ARGH!!!


21/04/09
"[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain."



(Pages including sound will be preceded by [S] in the command.)


22/04/09
"John: Play 52 Pick-Up."



You play the prankster's favorite card game, even though you are alone in the room, thus rendering it an especially foolish version of Solitaire.

SO STUPID. Look at this mess.

The peanut gallery over there sure is getting a kick out of it. You are allergic to their scorn.


22/04/09
"John: Attempt to leave the house."



You go back into the LIVING ROOM and contemplate checking the mailbox outside. You think perhaps you should exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a DAD encounter.

Your TELEVISION is currently airing a COMMERCIAL.


23/04/09
"John: Exit."



You exit the house.


23/04/09
"John: Check mail."



Predictably, the mailbox is empty. You have already been scooped by your father.


24/04/09
"[S] ==>"



The streets are empty. Wind skims the voids keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note is produced. It's the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It is your thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something feels missing from your life. The game presently eluding you is only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes are those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle is Absence itself. It is a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It is the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." -Walt Whitman

Yes, you are certain Walt Whitman said that. One hundred percent positive.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.


24/04/09
"==>"






24/04/09
"John: Leave a surprise for the mailman."



N...

No!


24/04/09
"John: See if your father left the mail in the car."



The door is locked and your DAD has the CAR KEYS. You peer in through the driver's side window.

You don't see any mail, but you do see a GREEN PACKAGE. There is also something underneath it that looks like a slip of paper.

Could these items have come in the mail? You don't see anything else that's usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. Maybe your DAD forgot to take this stuff inside.


24/04/09
"John: Spy in the kitchen."



You try to get a gander through the KITCHEN WINDOW, but you can't see a whole lot! It seems your DAD has been doing so much baking, the glass has steamed up.

God he is so weird.

But you can see what's on the table just beside the window. It looks like the mail is there! Included among it is a RED PACKAGE, some BILLS, your DAD'S PDA, and an envelope that appears to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB LOGO. Could it be???

Unfortunately, the window is locked.


24/04/09
"John: Go back into the kitchen."



You have no other choice. You are going in.

CLEVER DISGUISE, it's time to work your magic.


27/04/09
"[S] John: Enter."






27/04/09
"==>"



Your DAD sees right through your costume! You don't know what you were even thinking with this foolish ruse!!!

You unequip the CLEVER DISGUISE. Your DAD wields a dreaded ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION. He stands between you and the mail.

There is only one way to settle this.


27/04/09
"[S] STRIFE!"






28/04/09
"John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!"



You cannot ABSCOND! This pesky GUARDIAN is blocking your path! You will need to engineer some sort of distraction.

And now he brandishes yet another ARTIFACT OF CONFECTION! The man is ruthless.

You'd better brace for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible.


28/04/09
"John: Equip disguise for defense."



The BEAGLE AEGIS absorbs the brunt of the treat. Looks like DAD will enjoy the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as is usually the case.


29/04/09
"John: Captachalogue pie tin."



You take PIE TIN and unequip the BEAGLE PUSS.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is pushed back a card. The SMOKE PELLETS are ejected from the deck.

Yes! This could be just the distraction you were...


29/04/09
"==>"



Nothing happens.

What a huge letdown.


29/04/09
"John: Take the cake!"



"When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield." -Oscar Wilde

Wise words by a man who likely could resist everything but temptation.

The CAKE forces COLONEL SASSACRE'S TEXT out of your SYLLADEX.


29/04/09
"==>"



Sassacre you beautiful bastard.

Now's your chance!!!


30/04/09
"John: Abscond."



Now that DAD is busy placating the SMOKE DETECTOR, you can safely sneak away.


30/04/09
"John: Take PDA."



You snag your DAD'S PDA. Maybe later you'll switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later.

Your spare CAPTCHALOGUE CARD is forced out of the SYLLADEX, and consequently integrated with the deck. You now have five cards to work with.


30/04/09
"John: Take package."



This RED PACKAGE is addressed to you.


30/04/09
"John: Take envelope."



You got the SBURB BETA!!!


30/04/09
"John: Exit kitchen."






01/05/09
"John: Get cake on couch."



You captchalogue the CAKE on the couch, expelling the PIE TIN from the bottom card.


01/05/09
"John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake."



You then merge the two CAKES across all five cards.

Everything in your SYLLADEX is smushed between the CAKES. Why don't you think these things through first??


02/05/09
"John: Retreat upstairs!"



You pause at the juncture and head down the hall. You are going to need something to clean up the mess you are about to make by dissecting this CAKE.

To the left is the BATHROOM. To the right is your DAD'S ROOM. It is locked, and you are forbidden from ever entering. He has secrets.


02/05/09
"John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel."



You enter the BATHROOM. You can see your BACK YARD from the window. The jewel in its crown is the SWING SET which has provided you with years of joy. There is also a SPRING-MOUNTED POGO-RIDE, which has been responsible for more than one painful injury, and has provided you with years of lament.

On the sink is your DAD'S RAZOR. On the rack to the side is a FRESH TOWEL.


02/05/09
"John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake."



You take the RAZOR and use it to perform surgery on the CAKE.

You take the TOWEL and clean off the extracted goods.


02/05/09
"John: Retrieve your items."



The items force the MANHANDLED CAKE into the TOILET.

And just like that, your SYLLADEX is full again. God this thing is annoying.


02/05/09
"John: Go to bedroom."






03/05/09
"John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster."



You're not usually into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage.

This is your "McConaughey Wall", a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above that one is a lot better, you think.

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism! Damn you are good!


03/05/09
"[S] John: Check Pesterchum."



|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 --

GG: hi happy birthday john!!!!! <3
GG: helloooooo??
GG: ok i will talk to you later!!! :D

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:56 --


-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:40 --

TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden
TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something
TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies
TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit
TG: dude what are you doing
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --
EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me.
EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.
TG: no stop
TG: just no
TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them
TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold
EB: mcconaughey.
TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make
TG: ie dumb
TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up
EB: those are my dad's.
TG: i was talking about nick cage
EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.
TG: ha ha so lame
TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it
TG: hahaha
EB: i do things ironically sometimes.
EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?
TG: no those are awesome
EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?
EB: wait...
EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?
TG: im wearing them ironically
TG: because theyre awesome
TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome
TG: and vice versa
TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool?? jesus get a fucking pen
EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.
TG: ew yeah
TG: oh well
TG: anyway speaking of which
TG: did you get the mail
EB: yeah.
TG: did there happen to be a package there
EB: yeah, there's a big red one.
TG: you should probably open it
EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.
TG: oh man the beta came
EB: yeah! wanna play it?
TG: haha no way
EB: why not!
TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that
EB: where'd she go.
TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess
TG: probably be back online soon
TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus???
TG: seriously dude
TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous
EB: ok, i will.


04/05/09
"John: Open browser and go to mspaintadventures.com"



You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.

You open the TYPHEUS web browser and direct it to what is indisputably the most amazing website ever created.


04/05/09
"==>"



The new adventure is ok, but you're not sure if you like it as much as the last one.


04/05/09
"John: Install the Sburb beta."



You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA.


04/05/09
"==>"



What the fuck is this.


04/05/09
"John: Bone up on data structures."



You go to your CLOSET, where you keep a lot of clothes and an array of handy COMPUTER PROGRAMMING GUIDES.


04/05/09
"John: Read Data Structures book."



You're not sure you really want to dig into this huge tome. It looks really boring. And kind of ornery.

Maybe you'll just check out that free modus instead.


04/05/09
"John: Get free Fetch Modus."



You turn to the back inside cover, where a free FETCH MODUS is included in a plastic sleeve.

This one is dictated by the logic of a QUEUE DATA STRUCTURE, operating on a "First In, First Out" method, rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a STACK.


04/05/09
"John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex."



Items captchalogued in your SYLLADEX are no longer immediately accessible. You can only use the item on the bottom card, and must wait for items on upper cards to be pushed back to it.

For instance, the RED PACKAGE is now inaccessible. You can only use the RAZOR at the moment.

This modus doesn't strike you as a significant upgrade to your previous one. In fact, it almost seems more inconvenient. You figure you might as well give it a chance though.


06/05/09
"John: Switch back to Stack Modus."



You suddenly wonder if this is even possible. You don't even remember if you ever had a physical card for the STACK MODUS.

You find this all to be a little abstract and you'd prefer not to think about it too much.


06/05/09
"John: Put down razor."



Put it...

Down?

...

You're not quite sure you understand.


06/05/09
"John: Pick up two items."



You captchalogue one of the CAKES.

You've finally found a use for all these loitering pastries: DEAD WEIGHT.


06/05/09
"John: Get other cake."



The second CAKE causes the RAZOR to launch out the front of your SYLLADEX.

Oh good lord.

THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE.

You wish the RAZOR would have failed to launch.


06/05/09
"John: Get more stuff."



You open your MAGIC CHEST and captchalogue one of your favorite books of all time, WISE GUY BY MIKE CAVENEY.

There goes the FRESH TOWEL.


06/05/09
"John: Might as well grab those cuffs."



You take the TRICK HANDCUFFS, expelling the PDA like a bullet.


06/05/09
"==>"



Oh God dammit.


06/05/09
"John: Open up that package!"



You examine the package. It is from one of your internet chums.

It's bound in packing tape though. You'll need something sharp to open it.

Ah, of course! The RAZOR! It's all so simple, you wonder why you didn't...


06/05/09
"John: Get razor."






06/05/09
"John: Pick up package again."



Let's take this from the top.


06/05/09
"John: Captchalogue glass shards."



You take three GLASS SHARDS in quick succession and duck for cover.

Your SYLLADEX rains devastation on your room from above.

And now that your cards are packed with glass, you probably don't want to do that again any time soon.


06/05/09
"==>"



You should probably go get that stuff before you forget.


08/05/09
"John: Use the razor on the red package."



You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.


08/05/09
"==>"



It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.

This is so awesome.


08/05/09
"John: Check status of Sburb beta."



It looks like your computer is trying to get your attention.


09/05/09
"John: Look at monitor."






09/05/09
"John: Check Pesterchum window."



|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:08 --

TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.
TT: I'm going to try to connect.
EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.
TT: The rabbit?
EB: SO SWEET.
TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.
EB: ha ha, what?
TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?
EB: oh the game, ok.
EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?
TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.
EB: oh, ok then.
TT: Why don't we get started?


09/05/09
"John: Press [ENTER]"






09/05/09
"[S] ==>"






12/05/09
"==>"



[Mouseover the interface buttons. -AH]


12/05/09
"TT: Select magic chest."






12/05/09
"TT: Zoom out."






12/05/09
"TT: Drop chest."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: whoa, what are you doing??
TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.
EB: is my magic chest on the roof now??
TT: Yes.
EB: :(
TT: I will try to be more careful next time.


12/05/09
"John: Get the card."



You find your missing STACK FETCH MODUS, and quickly reapply it to your SYLLADEX. You can now opt for either the STACK or QUEUE modus any time.

You toggle between your FETCH MODI with gleeful abandon.


12/05/09
"==>"



It looks like your DAD is leaving again for more baking supplies. You're relieved to have the house to yourself again, if only for a few minutes.

You just hope he doesn't notice the MAGIC CHEST on the roof. Or all the shit you threw out the window, for that matter.


12/05/09
"TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?
EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?
TT: I'll give it a shot.
EB: thx!
TT: No luck.
TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".
EB: :C


12/05/09
"TT: Select John."



You cannot select a PLAYER!

JOHN abjures the meddlesome cursor.


12/05/09
"TT: Select bunny."






12/05/09
"TT: Put the bunny back in the box."






14/05/09
"TT: Revise room."






14/05/09
"==>"






14/05/09
"TT: Open Phernalia Registry."






14/05/09
"TT: Deploy Totem Lathe."






14/05/09
"John: Examine Totem Lathe."



You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!


14/05/09
"TT: Open Grist Cache"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".
TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.
TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.
EB: wow, ok.
EB: what do they do?
TT: I think it's up to you to find out.
TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.
EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!
TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.
TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.
EB: what??
TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail?
EB: no!
TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.
TT: Are you sure you didn't get it?
EB: oh man.
EB: i think i might know where it is.


14/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?
TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.
TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason?
EB: good idea!
TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?
EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.
EB: but i think i have it under control now.
EB: what modus do you use?
TT: I like to use trees.
EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.
TT: It's not exceptionally practical.
TT: But I think they are elegant.


14/05/09
"John: Stand in corner."






14/05/09
"TT: Deploy Cruxtruder."






14/05/09
"TT: Deploy Alchemiter."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: why is the floor shaking?
EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house?
TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos.
EB: sweet!
EB: what is with all these big contraptions?
TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.
EB: huh.
EB: to what end?
EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?
TT: That remains to be seen.
TT: Maybe you should go investigate?


15/05/09
"John: Get PDA."



You grab the PDA, switching back to STACK MODUS so it is readily accessible.

The interface is oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, you mean harlequin wallpapers.)

The SERIOUS BUSINESS application is open. It seems your DAD uses it to keep tabs on various acquaintances... his fellow street performers, maybe?

You guess the performing arts must be pretty serious business after all.


15/05/09
"John: Install Pesterchum."



This should be useful. Now you can keep tabs on your chums while you wander around the house.


15/05/09
"John: Go out to balcony."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.
EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda.
TT: The one you threw into the yard?
EB: no, i am telling you.
EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.
TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?
TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.
TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?
EB: what? no.
EB: those were all accidents.
EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!
TT: Your bathroom is a mess.
TT: Did you do that too?
EB: oh man, see this isn't cool.
EB: all this snooping nonsense!
TT: There's a cake in the toilet.
EB: yes. there is.
TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.
EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.
TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?
TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?
EB: in your case, probably!
TT: Sounds complicated.
EB: anyway...
EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.


15/05/09
"John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner."



You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can't find any controls for it.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn't very cautious of you, actually.


16/05/09
"John: Look through telescope."



It is a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of your own home.


16/05/09
"TT: Grab the soiled toilet."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Whoops.
EB: whoops what?


16/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: what was that noise?
EB: is this something i should go investigate?
TT: No, I have it under control.
TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.


16/05/09
"John: Investigate."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: augh!
TT: I think I can patch it up.
TT: Just give me a little space.
TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?
EB: the what?
TT: The thing I put in your living room.


17/05/09
"John: Hop down the hole."



You jump down to the UTILITY ROOM.


17/05/09
"John: Get sledgehammer and card."



You take the SLEDGEHAMMER and the CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, combine the two, and quickly apply it to your STRIFE SPECIBUS.

You think it's cool that things don't always have to be a federal fucking issue.


17/05/09
"==>"



It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.


17/05/09
"John: Answer chum."



|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25 --

GG: john did you get my package??
EB: oh hey!
EB: no, not yet.
GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box.....
EB: oh!
EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.
EB: he should be back soon.
GG: great!!! so what are you up to today?
EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.
EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.
GG: lol!
GG: whats sburb??
EB: oh, it is this game.
EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.
GG: whoa what was that?????
EB: what was what?
GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!!
GG: it sounded like an explosion!!!!
EB: wow, really?
GG: i will go outside and look....
EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?
GG: i will! :)

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:28 --


17/05/09
"John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?
TT: There's a door there?
EB: um, YEAH???
TT: I didn't see it.
TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.
EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?
EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.
EB: hello?
EB: what are you doing up there now?


17/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Oh fuck.


18/05/09
"John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder."



When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.

But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!


18/05/09
"TT: Put bathtub in driveway."



On the tub's journey to the driveway, the connection is interrupted.


18/05/09
"John: Scold TT."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: you can see me, right.
EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.
TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.
TT: Must be the weather.
TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother.
TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.
EB: haha, yeah I hear you.
TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.
TT: Quite a road to hoe there.
TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.
EB: i know!
EB: what about going outside?
EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.
TT: That presents the same problem.
TT: Also, it's raining, remember?
TT: And dark.
EB: It's dark already?
TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.
TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.
EB: haha, um, ok.


18/05/09
"John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Need some help?


18/05/09
"TT: Pick up sledgehammer."






18/05/09
"==>"






18/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: what is this thing?
EB: and what is that clock counting down to?
TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.
TT: Hold while I read further.
EB: ok.
TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.
TT: None progress much further than this point.
EB: weird.
EB: well, i mean it is a new game.
TT: True.
TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".


19/05/09
"John: Turn wheel again."



You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.


19/05/09
"John: Get cruxite."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.
TT: John?
TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.
TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.


19/05/09
"TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card."






19/05/09
"John: Get card."



A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL.


19/05/09
"John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins."



You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS.

The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the QUEUE MODUS so you can access the PDA.

More glass shrapnel flies from the deck.


19/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: this thing keeps following me around.
EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something.
TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".
TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped".
TT: Twice, actually.
TT: Whatever the hell that means.
TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.
EB: hmm, ok.
EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!
EB: also, fix my bathroom.


20/05/09
"TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite."






20/05/09
"[S] ==>"



The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL.


20/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.
TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".
TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.
TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.
EB: the clock is ticking.
EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.
TT: This unmitigated poppycock?
EB: extravagant hogwash!
EB: ok stop
EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.
EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.
TT: The alchemiter?
EB: ??
TT: Try to learn the lingo.


20/05/09
"John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter."



There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!

The KERNELSPRITE followed you upstairs.


21/05/09
"TT: Explore Atheneum."



Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT.


21/05/09
"John: Captchalogue telescope."



You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the CRUXITE to the last card making it available for tinkering.

The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence.


21/05/09
"John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter."



You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal.

Something is happening...


21/05/09
"==>"






21/05/09
"==>"



You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky.


22/05/09
"John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky."



You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE.

Whatever it is, the KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it.


22/05/09
"==>"






22/05/09
"==>"






22/05/09
"==>"



You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective.

This is a troubling development.


22/05/09
"John: High-five Kernelsprite."



You figure you've left him hanging long enough.


23/05/09
"John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist."



It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane!

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.


23/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Your dad is getting home.
TT: John?
TT: What did you do with your PDA this time?
TT: I'm working on the bathroom.
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.


23/05/09
"TT: Revise bathroom."






23/05/09
"==>"






23/05/09
"John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum."



Two chums have been trying to message you.


23/05/09
"John: Answer chums."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'm working on the bathroom.
TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.
EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!!
TT: I see.
TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?
EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!
TT: I think it's very likely.
TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.
TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.
TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.
TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.
EB: wow, FASCINATING.
EB: ??????
TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.
TT: Try using the lathe.
TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.
EB: ok i'll do that.
TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.
TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.
TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.
TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.
TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --

TG: i heard you got the box
TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you
TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way
TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you
TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon
TG: hey where are you
EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.
EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.
TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game
TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether
EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!!
EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.
EB: in the sky.
EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!!
TG: oh man
TG: how big is it
EB: i dunno.
EB: big, i guess.
EB: i gotta go!
EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.
TG: like the size of texas
TG: or just rhode island
TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us
TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG
TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir
TG: OH SHIT
TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir
TG: OH SHIT
TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick
TG: OH SNAP
TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter
TG: you mean like the planet?
TG: yeah
TG: well its that big sir
TG: hmm that sounds pretty big
TG: i have a question
TG: is it jupiter?
TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter
TG: OH SHIT
TG: anyway later


24/05/09
"John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe."



You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE. Above, the TOOL ARM deploys a configuration of chisels.

Now you just need something to lathe.


24/05/09
"John: Take cruxite to totem lathe."



Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal.

You navigate the hallway leery of your DAD, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway.


24/05/09
"==>"



The perfect crime.


25/05/09
"==>"



You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL.

DAD just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking.

If only he knew you were hard at work saving his ass.


25/05/09
"John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe."



You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe.


25/05/09
"John: Activate lathe."



The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM.

You take the TOTEM.


25/05/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.
EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?
EB: hello???????
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! --
EB: uh...


25/05/09
"==>"






25/05/09
"==>"






26/05/09
"==>"



A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named...

Named...

It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again?


28/05/09
"Enter name."



No, that wasn't it!


28/05/09
"One more time."






28/05/09
"Examine room."



Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOANALYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends.

What will you do?


28/05/09
"Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box."



The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private! No one is allowed to look inside.


28/05/09
"Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed."



Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone makes you sick to your stomach.


28/05/09
"Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'"



You would only resort to such an embarrassing activity while no one was watching!!!

These journals are for your eyes only.


28/05/09
"Rose: Get violin."



You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX.


28/05/09
"[S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin."



You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril.

Nice time management skills there, sweetheart!


30/05/09
"John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact."



Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.


30/05/09
"Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag."



You get the KNITTING BAG. It occupies the LEFT LEAF CARD under the VIOLIN, per the TREE MODUS'S alphabetical sorting method.

K < V.


30/05/09
"Rose: Look out window."



Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your MOM had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

You can also make out a silhouette of the LABORATORY next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong WIRELESS INTERNET SIGNAL. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground?


30/05/09
"Rose: Get laptop."



You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house.

L < V. L > K.

This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your SYLLADEX auto-balances itself. Now the LAPTOP occupies the ROOT CARD, while the other two items comprise the LEAVES.

K < L. V > L.


30/05/09
"Rose: Examine book on desk."



This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk. Of which there are very few.


30/05/09
"Rose: Take book."



You take the GRIMOIRE.

G < L, G < K.


01/06/09
"Rose: Go explore the house."



You leave your BEDROOM.

Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD. Your mother collects these awful things IRONICALLY. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you.

Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there?

Your mother's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step.


01/06/09
"Rose: Tiptoe to observatory."



You approach a juncture in the hallway. Beyond the juncture is the OBSERVATORY.


01/06/09
"==>"






01/06/09
"Rose: Sneak by."






01/06/09
"==>"



This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY. You haven't ventured up there in quite some time.


02/06/09
"Rose: Go through door."



The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance.

You've seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you'll do to help out a friend.


02/06/09
"Rose: Hurry up to that observatory."






03/06/09
"Rose: Try to connect!"



You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated.

But removing it from the ROOT CARD causes all the branches and leaves to be severed! Your items are dumped unceremoniously on the floor.


04/06/09
"Rose: See what you can observe."



You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE.

You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting.


04/06/09
"Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation."



You'll need every advantage you can get.


04/06/09
"Rose: Access laboratory wifi network."



There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength.

One of them is mysteriously and quite conveniently UNSECURED, requiring no password.

You select the signal, and reconnect to the game with John.


04/06/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'm back.
EB: hurry up and open my door!!!!!!
EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!!!!!!
TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.
EB: ???
TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.
EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?
EB: what good will that even do?
TT: We'll see.
TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.
TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.
TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].
EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?
TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.
TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.
TT: Now off you go.


04/06/09
"Rose: Remove door from hinges."



There goes the rest of your BUILD GRIST.


05/06/09
"Rose: Put bathtub back."



You probably should have just done this in the first place.


05/06/09
"John: Take totem to alchemiter."



Got to get those stupid blocks out of the way first!

The KERNELSPRITE is getting awfully worked up about all this!


05/06/09
"Rose: Remove blocks."



You store the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS in your PHERNALIA REGISTRY, potentially to be deployed at a later time.


05/06/09
"==>"






06/06/09
"[S] John: Take bite of apple."






06/06/09
"END OF ACT 1"






09/06/09
"Years in the future, but not many..."



A WAYWARD VAGABOND records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.


10/06/09
"ACT 2 ==>"






11/06/09
"[S] ==>"






12/06/09
"==>"



The KERNEL divides. The two halves go their separate ways, leaving behind the SPRITE portion.


12/06/09
"BOY."



What is left of the SPRITE undergoes a mysterious transformation.

For a moment you thought you heard someone say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of your awareness.

It was probably just your imagination though.


13/06/09
"[S] YOU THERE. BOY."






15/06/09
"BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND."



For the last time, this boy's name is John!!!


15/06/09
"FINE. JOHN. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS."



You go back up to your bedroom, tiptoeing around this weird petroleum-based sludge.


15/06/09
"NOW JOHN. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: John?
TT: Are you there?
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! --
EB: hey, yeah i'm here!
EB: and not dead i think.
TT: I know.
TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.
TT: You should have answered me sooner.
EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!
EB: have you seen him?
TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.
TT: We have more important things to address right now.
EB: yeah, like where am i??
TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.
TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.
TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.
EB: wow, ok.
EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?
TT: Perhaps.
EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!!!
TT: Yes, but wait.
TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.
TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.
TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.
TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.
EB: ok.
TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.
EB: wait, rose! one thing...
TT: What?
EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!
EB: um... hello?
TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.
TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.
TT: That said, happy birthday, John.
EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!
EB: anyway, thanks!


15/06/09
"FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE."



The TOWEL? Why?

Oh well, you're the boss. You captchalogue the TOWEL. What now?


15/06/09
"DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY."



John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.


15/06/09
"WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING."



You whimsically decide to captchalogue the TOTEM which was used to create the APPLE TREE earlier.


15/06/09
"JOHN. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT."



John cannot do anything with the GRIST as of this moment! That is up to the Sburb player.


15/06/09
"I SEE. ==>?"



Yes, that will suffice.

Rose deletes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS. 6 units of BUILD GRIST are restored to your GRIST CACHE.


15/06/09
"==>"



Rose expends the GRIST to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA.


15/06/09
"JOHN RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY."



John isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.


15/06/09
"BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK!"



John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!


15/06/09
"FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES."



You cautiously walk within range of the PDA. Rose retrieves it.


15/06/09
"NOW TAKE IT."



You grab the PDA, launching one of the HARLEQUIN FIGURINES into the night.

You can kiss that one goodbye.


16/06/09
"==>==>"



Just one ==> command will suffice. Thanks.

It looks like you're not the only one trying to locate your father after the disaster.


16/06/09
"THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: John, are you ok?
TT: You seem a bit tentative.
EB: i'm fine i guess.
EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.
EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.
TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?
EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!
TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.
TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.
TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.
EB: Ok. I will go back inside.


16/06/09
"NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR."



What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!


16/06/09
"==>==>==>==>==>"



Now you're just being a pest.

Which turnip truck did you just tumble out of, anyway?

Who are you?


17/06/09
"Years in the future, but not many..."



An unsealed tunnel welcomes hot desert air into its stagnant depths.


18/06/09
"==>"






19/06/09
"==>"



In the distance, meteorites fall with greater frequency. The fire in the forest burns so hot, not even the rain is putting it out!


19/06/09
"Rose: Check status of battery."



Your LAPTOP BATTERY is alright for now, but it won't be for long.

If the power in the house doesn't come back on, you can think of one last resort: the small BACKUP GENERATOR stored behind the MAUSOLEUM.


20/06/09
"Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?
EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!
TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.
EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.
TT: I doubt it matters.
TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.
EB: fine.
EB: i GUESS.


20/06/09
"==>"



The SPRITE is playing hard to get! You guess that's what you get for originally prototyping it with something that engenders mischief and pranksterism!


20/06/09
"DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS."



Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!


20/06/09
"Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: OH YES, SWEET!!
EB: now we're talking!
TT: See if you can distract it.
TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.


20/06/09
"JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER."



The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.


20/06/09
"==>"



The pesky SPRITE eludes you again! Not even the great Colonel himself can outfox it!!!

In narrowly missing with your attempt to create the COLONELSPRITE, you drop the massive tome. The entire house rattles under the astonishing girth of the book.


20/06/09
"==>"



In the other room, NANNA'S ASHES dump onto the SPRITE, which is caught unawares by the dousing.


20/06/09
"INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT."



You find the SACRED URN toppled again. This time you're quite sure it wasn't your fault!

The SPRITE is nowhere to be found.


20/06/09
"Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: aw man, where'd it go?
TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.
TT: No time to worry about it.
TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.
TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.
TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.
EB: what, there's a fire??
TT: There will be soon.
EB: oh jeez!
EB: so move this thing already!
TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.
TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.
EB: how much do you have?
TT: Zero.
EB: oh.
EB: hmm.
EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!
TT: I have a better idea.
TT: Meet me upstairs.


20/06/09
"DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY."



You are about to head upstairs, but you thought you heard something behind you.

It was faint, but you could swear it was a small, lighthearted chuckle. Along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"


20/06/09
"==>"






22/06/09
"IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS."



You're not sure you even saw a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was you might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave you the willies.

You head upstairs on your way to the balcony. Your PDA is acting up again.


22/06/09
"INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes
EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!
TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen
EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!
EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.
EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!
TG: huh
TG: for real
EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!
TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this
EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.
TG: no thisll be dope check it
EB: no, i have to go! bye!
TG: wait wait
TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us
TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous
TG: sending men in space for savin us
TG: see which playa's more couragerous
TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce
TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it
TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it
TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous
TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss
TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous
TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous
TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust
TG: wait
TG: uh
TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he
TG: ill have to make a rap about
TG: i dont know
TG: morgan freeman or something
TG: being the president
TG: itll be called
TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"
TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on
TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies


22/06/09
"ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT."



You head out to the balcony to find out what Rose has in mind. She is messaging you again.


22/06/09
"THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE RED TEXT."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.
EB: whoa, ok.
TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.
EB: but the door is locked!
TT: Then break a window.
EB: but it's my dad's car :(
TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.
TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.
EB: alright.


22/06/09
"Rose: Pick up car."






22/06/09
"==>"






23/06/09
"RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE."



You're inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happen. You double check your PDA to make sure if Rose is really gone. Indeed this seems to be the case.

TG is still pestering you of course. But another chum is now logged in as well.


23/06/09
"WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: im back!
EB: oh hi!
GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard
EB: was it by any chance a meteor?
GG: yes!!!!!
GG: how did you know??
EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!
EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?
GG: no i am fine!
GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it
GG: and its pretty big!
GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it
GG: so i came home
GG: he seems to think its dangerous!
EB: well gosh, he's probably right!
GG: anyway what have you been up to john?
GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O
EB: er...
EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.
GG: oh no!
EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.
EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.
GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!
EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.
EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.
EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!!
GG: O_O
GG: well.....
GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but.....
GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!
GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny
GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!
EB: wow, you think so?
GG: yes!
EB: well ok, BUT.
EB: it's not even that simple!
EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.
EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!
EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!
EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.
GG: hahaha
GG: he is so silly!
EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.


23/06/09
"THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at
TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat
TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"
TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin
TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension
TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned
EB: aaaaaarrrgh!
TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick
TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit
TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint
TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention
EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!
EB: i have something important to talk about.
TG: whats up
EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!
TG: ok
EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.
EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!
TG: my copy?
TG: thats going to be tough
EB: why?
TG: i lost it
TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it
TG: shit be embarrassing yo
EB: i thought you said you had two?
TG: well yeah
TG: one is my brothers copy
EB: ok, well get his then!
TG: alright
TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that
EB: whatever.
EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.
TG: oh man
EB: what?
TG: nothing really
TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?
EB: /ROLLS EYES


23/06/09
"==>"



Your LAPTOP is out of BATTERY POWER. There's only one thing left to do. Time to make your way to that BACKUP GENERATOR.


24/06/09
"Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain."



That would be such a waste of time!

Besides, you already knitted one a while ago. You retrieve it from your KNITTING BAG and apply it to your LAPTOP.

You captchalogue the LAPTOP PLUS COZY.


24/06/09
"Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus."



That would be incredibly ill-advised!

There are some dark forces you just don't want to mess around with. You understand this better than most.

You put the book down.


24/06/09
"Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!"



You grab the KNITTING BAG and the GRIMOIRE, in that order. It's always a logistical puzzle with your TREE MODUS.

The tree AUTO-BALANCES, leaving the KNITTING BAG accesible in the ROOT CARD.


24/06/09
"Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus."



You feel a lot more comfortable with this as a weapon. You're so handy with those needles, you feel like you could probably use them to filet a sword fish.


24/06/09
"==>"



You lose the ROOT CARD in the process, severing the tree.

Hey, careful with all that stuff!


25/06/09
"Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves."



That would also be a preposterous waste of time!!!

Besides, you're quite sure you've never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are however many other specimens of the ZOOLOGICALLY DUBIOUS you're familiar with.

Such as...


25/06/09
"Rose: Consult the grimoire."



FLUTHLU, FOUL PATRICIAN OF MISERY. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle is to know the Epoch of Joy has come to an abrupt end.


25/06/09
"==>"



And NRUB'YIGLITH, SHAMEBEAST KING OF GROTESQUERY, WRITHE-LORD OF THE MOIST BEYONDHOOD. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks causes one's bones to explode.


25/06/09
"==>"



And of course there's OGLOGOTH, THE DEEP ONE. Whenever he grinds his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere will frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He is the first and smallest of the SMALLER GODS, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of MIDDLING GODS which caters to the whims of the NOBLE CIRCLE OF HORRORTERRORS, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the FURTHEST RING.


25/06/09
"==>"



And then there's this strange page containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. You've never been quite sure what these diagrams are getting at.


25/06/09
"Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs."



You re-captchalogue everything the way you want it to appear in the tree, and head downstairs.

You figure that's enough dilly-dallying. Time to get a move on!


26/06/09
"[S] ==>"



You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How you hate this season.

"April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." -American sports legend, Charles Barkley


29/06/09
"Rose: Confront mother in hall."



Surely your mother is lurking nearby. You should be prepared for an unpleasant confron...


29/06/09
"What??"



There's this really cool dude, ok? He's standing around being all chill, like cool dudes are known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably has a real cool name. But he probably wouldn't just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way too busy for that. Busy being totally sweet.

But you could always try to guess his name. And if you were right, he might nod ever so slightly. That's a cool dude's way of letting you know there might just be hope for you yet.


29/06/09
"Enter name."



This guy doesn't have time for this sort of bullshit.


29/06/09
"Try again."






29/06/09
"Examine room."



Your name is DAVE. It is an UNSEASONABLY WARM April day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is open to let some air in, and your FAN is cranked. Arguably even more cranked would be your FLY BEATS, which brings us to your variety of INTERESTS. A cool dude like you is sure to have plenty. You have a penchant for spinning out UNBELIEVABLY ILL JAMS with your TURNTABLES AND MIXING GEAR. You like to rave about BANDS NO ONE'S EVER HEARD OF BUT YOU. You collect WEIRD DEAD THINGS PRESERVED IN VARIOUS WAYS. You are an AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER and operate your own MAKESHIFT DARKROOM. You maintain a number of IRONICALLY HUMOROUS BLOGS, WEBSITES, AND SOCIAL NETWORKING PROFILES. And if the inspiration strikes, you won't hesitate to drop some PHAT RHYMES on a mofo and REPRESENT.

What will you do?


30/06/09
"Dave: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks."



Nah.


30/06/09
"Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life!"



This notion strikes you as nonsensical. You can't imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, you're quite sure no one you know is in any danger.

Anyway, these are your copies of the beta you received in the mail recently. You've labeled them with your name in BOLD RED PRINT to distinguish them from your BRO's copies, who labeled his in kind. Neither of you really gives a shit about this game or has any intention of playing it, but you'll be damned if you'll let that get in the way of your campaign of one-upmanship.


30/06/09
"Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable."



You would never consider allowing any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch your beloved TURNTABLES. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of your godly science just doesn't sound like a place you want any part of. While you're at it, you might as well wipe out human civilization with a meteor or something ridiculous like that which will probably never happen.

That sort of thing only happens in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots.


30/06/09
"==>"



You will however contemplate bleating like a goat for IRONICALLY HUMOROUS purposes at a later date.


30/06/09
"Dave: Examine closet."



This is your closet. This is where you keep a lot of your crap.

Like that BOX. And that bottle of... what is that?

Is that...?


30/06/09
"Dave: Check the blue box."



This is the package that your friend John Egbert sent you for your 13th birthday a little while ago. It now contains nothing except a NOTE and a CERTIFICATE OF AUTHENTICITY vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia which the box originally contained, and which you are now wearing to be IRONIC but also to be INCREDIBLY COOL IN A WAY SOMEHOW INTANGIBLY RELATED TO THE IRONIC NATURE OF THE ACCESSORY. You find it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people.

The BOX also included a signed photo of BEN STILLER which now proudly hangs above your closet. Proudly and IRONICALLY.


30/06/09
"Dave: Take box."



You captchalogue the BOX through your HASH MAP FETCH MODUS.

Your modus's current HASH FUNCTION resolves the index by valuing each consonant at 2, and each vowel at 1. The total is divided by your number of cards, and the remainder is the index.

BOX = 2 + 1 + 2 = 5

5 % 10 = 5

The BOX is captchalogued in card 5.


01/07/09
"Dave: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet."



Oh hell yes. It is an unopened container of APPLE JUICE. You thought you were all out. It is like fucking christmas up in here.

This is so great. You've got to tell John about this immediately. He'll be so excited.


01/07/09
"Dave: Take juice."



You captchalogue the JUICE into card 7.

2+1+1+2+1 %10 = 7.


02/07/09
"Dave: Access Pesterchum and pester John."



In addition to letting your buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, you figure you'll wish him a happy birthday while you're at it. In your own cool, sort of roundabout way of course. Good thing you looked at that box he sent you, or you might have forgotten.

You also might as well ask him about that beta. The kid's been harping about it for weeks. It would be cool if it came on his birthday. He'd be one happy camper.


02/07/09
"==>"






02/07/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:13 --

TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today
EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.
TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here
EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?
TG: but
TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken
TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory
EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?
EB: try using your brain numbnuts.
TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like
TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous
EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.
TG: ok i can accept that
TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters
TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face
TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it
TG: did you get the beta yet
EB: no.
EB: did you?
TG: man i got two copies already
TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring
TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro????
EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.
TG: yeah
TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now
EB: alright.


03/07/09
"Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests."



You open the HEPHAESTUS web browser and direct it to your ironically maintained blog where you post monthly satirical reviews of GAMEBRO MAGAZINE. Your latest post is a review of the MARCH ISSUE.

You've been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but you've been sort of dogging it. Something about the game they're reviewing just doesn't strike you as ripe for satirical purposes.


03/07/09
"==>"



In a new tab you open another one of your sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of your blog. It's called SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You have legions of devoted fans, most of whom are totally convinced of your creative persona's sincerity. Which is just how you like it.


03/07/09
"Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew."



You figure as long as you're chilling at your computer you might as well see how that new MSPA story is going. You haven't looked at it in a while.


03/07/09
"Midnight Crew."



"You are members of a sinister gang called the Midnight Crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in complexity. Your schemes, convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?"


03/07/09
"Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes."



"Spades Slick uses OCCAM'S RAZOR to carve a circular hole into the HEIST PLANS, freeing it from the knife.

You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place."


03/07/09
"SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots"



"You push against the MANHOLE COVER, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your GETAWAY VAN on top of it.

A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage.

It's the sort of rage that'll make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades."


03/07/09
"Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so."



You don't remember where you last left off, so you jump way ahead. You always forget to save your place in the story.

It looks like tempers have become short in this pressure cooker already. You speculate that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 PICKUP.


03/07/09
"Dave: Save your place, read it later."



Even though the adventure began recently, it's already over 3000 pages long. You just don't have time for this bullshit. You'll catch up later.

Besides, it looks like someone's pestering you. You're pretty sure you know who it is.


03/07/09
"Dave: Answer chum."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.
TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.
TG: what oh no
TG: no look
TG: im busy ok
TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate
TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?
TT: I know.
TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.
TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."
TG: seriously
TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right
TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate
TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses.
TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?
TG: yeah!
TG: i mean damn
TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet
TG: an orphan or something i dont know
TG: face flush on the pavement
TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?
TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off
TT: Heavy is the crown.
TG: yeah
TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess
TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!
TG: among other things
TG: i just give and fucking give
TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.
TG: oh for fucks sake
TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game
TT: Baseless accusation!
TG: look i am telling you
TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game
TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it
TT: I know this very well.
TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.
TG: yeah yeah
TG: ill hassle him some more about it
TG: and look how about this
TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play
TG: will that make you happy
TT: More than you know.
TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.


03/07/09
"JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING."



Meanwhile in the present, in a place where the present may be a concept of dubious merit, John is spacing out.

But a vague and forceful thought jolts him to attention.

Or maybe it is that bumping sound coming from the other side of the door. What is that?


03/07/09
"==> ??"



A thick, unpleasant fluid pools from beneath the door.


03/07/09
"TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS."



There is a trail of this fluid in the hall leading to your room.


03/07/09
"Dave: Play some hauntingly sick beats."



You've had enough of the computer for a while. You feel like you've been messing around on it all week. It's time to get your jam on.

You pull up to your trusty AKAI MPC-1000 SAMPLER and prepare to get sicknasty.


03/07/09
"[S] ==>"



Left knob: volume for current sample.
Right knob: master volume.
Store patterns in F1, F2, F3... buttons.


05/07/09
"Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said."



Those beats were so fresh they belong in the produce aisle, is what you're talkin' about. Soccer moms be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'?

After beats that fresh, it would be a crime not to reward yourself with a celebratory SWIG.

2+2+1+2 %10 = 7.


05/07/09
"==>"



You can't do it!

John's got you all twisted up inside now. All you can think about is Mandel's gross monster piss.

Damn you, Egbert!


05/07/09
"==>"



You re-captchalogue the JUICE.


05/07/09
"Dave: Allocate sword to strife specibus."



Your STRIFE SPECIBUS is already allocated with the BLADEKIND ABSTRATUS! There is no need to allocate it.

You can wield your sweet NINJA SWORD as a weapon once it is in your STRIFE DECK. But you will have to captchalogue it first before moving it there.


05/07/09
"Dave: Captchalogue sword."



The NINJA SWORD (2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2 = 17 % 10 = 7) occupies the same card as the JUICE (2+1+1+2+1 = 7 % 10 = 7), expelling the JUICE from your SYLLADEX.

It splashes all over your TURNTABLES and your copies of the BETA.

Argh!


06/07/09
"Dave: Get a towel or something!"



You head out to get a TOWEL from the bathroom across the hall.

You glance at one of the many RADICAL PUPPETS in your BRO'S collection and nod in approval.

Is there anything not awesome about your BRO? No, you think not.


06/07/09
"==>"



You enter the bathroom. There's a damp towel on the floor you can probably use for this crisis.

You stop to pay a little respect to one of your BRO'S boys up there. Hey lil' man. How's it hangin'?


07/07/09
"Dave: Captchalogue damp towel."



You take the DAMP TOWEL (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+1+2 = 15 % 10 = 5), expelling the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5).


07/07/09
"Dave: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp."



Nah, you just decide to wring this towel out into the toilet to make it less damp.

It is now just a TOWEL (2+1+2+1+2 = 8 % 10 = 8).


07/07/09
"Dave: Take towel."



You take the TOWEL, and grab the BOX again while you're at it.


07/07/09
"Dave: Clean up the juice."



You CLEAN (2+2+1+1+2 = 8) up the juice with the TOWEL and hang the damp BETA ENVELOPES on your line to dry off.


07/07/09
"==>"



In the breeze of the FAN, the betas jostle near the OPEN WINDOW.

This arrangement is a little disconcerting. If they fell out, it sure would be a stupid way to lose them.


08/07/09
"Dave: Turn off the fan."



The crisis is easily averted. You can't imagine it will ever resurface later in any way, shape, or form. That beta is as good as yours, forever.


08/07/09
"==>"



You should probably go pester Egbert again. You wonder if he found the beta yet. You also might chat about your respective SYLLADICES and FETCH MODI, if the topic happens to come up. You wonder if he is anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as you are. Probably not. It's probably not even humanly possi...


08/07/09
"==>"



Suddenly a RAMBUNCTIOUS CROW flies in the open window and snatches the beta, possibly to make a nest with, or maybe just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.

You yell at the bird.


08/07/09
"==>"






08/07/09
"==>"



You accidentally launch your NINJA SWORD. Everything goes flying out the window, dead bird and all.


08/07/09
"==>"



No one can ever know about this.


09/07/09
"Dave: Look out window."



Yeah, you can kiss all that stuff goodbye. You feel sorry for the bird, but at least you never planned on ever using that beta, ever.

Anyway, now that that bit of ugliness is behind you, you guess you can look forward to several more hours of messing around in your room WHOA WAIT WHAT???


09/07/09
"==>"



You prepare to descend the stairs to your living room. You are standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, ZAZZERPAN THE LEARNED. Your mother had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane.

Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes is to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face is to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker shall surely have all his dreams fulfilled.


09/07/09
"==>"



You find this grisly abomination utterly detestable.


11/07/09
"Rose: Psychoanalyze mother's love of wizards."



There is nothing to psychoanalyze. Your mother clearly has no real affinity for these damnable things. She only collects them to spite you.

If anything, she finds them even more repellent than you do. She's just a committed woman.


11/07/09
"Rose: Go downstairs to the kitchen back door."



You descend to the living room area of your home's expansive open layout. There is the sound of rushing water beneath the floor. It tends to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it's become hardly audible to you through familiarity.

There's the front door. But hopefully there's no need to make the long trek around the house in the rain. You might as well see if you can slip through the kitchen and out the back unnoticed.


11/07/09
"Rose: View Mother's solid copper vacuum statue."



Ok, but it's bronze, not copper!

But it wasn't always. A while ago you gave this as an ironic gift to your MOM for mother's day. You even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES.

She "liked" the gift so much, she had it bronzed and put on this pedestal. She even left it plugged in so it can still be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never leaves this display.

Sometimes at night when you are in your room, you can hear it wailing from downstairs. She MUST know you can hear it. She's completely deranged.


11/07/09
"Rose: Grab the Eldritch Princess."



It's too big to captchalogue!

Not that you would want to move it anyway. The PRETTY PRINCESS DOLL has been sitting there for months, ever since your mother got this abomination for your birthday as a totally PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE gesture.

You decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms. Now it brings a mischievous smile to your face whenever you walk by. Your mother hasn't removed the doll yet, and probably never will. She would never be the one to blink first.


11/07/09
"Rose: Acquire umbrella for protection from elements."



U > L. U < V.

You're going to have a hell of a time accessing that card when you need it. You guess you'll just cross that bridge later.


12/07/09
"Rose: Peek inside kitchen."



The LIQUOR BOTTLES are out in full force. MOM is surely nearby.


12/07/09
"Rose: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen."



That would be your REFRIGERATOR, whose surfaces have customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE one-upmanship.

This was a drawing you did of your cat JASPERS when you were younger, along with a poem about him. Your mother bought this ostentatious $15,000 frame for it, and had it welded to the door.


12/07/09
"==>"



Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn't find the letter W, so you just stuck two V's together.


12/07/09
"==>"



Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience.

Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, you left her a sincere THANK YOU NOTE, which you had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.


12/07/09
"==>"



But part of it was touching the floor, so your mother was kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a VELVET PILLOW.


13/07/09
"Rose: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache."



This is incredibly silly, and you're not sure how it fits into your campaign against your mother, OR getting your computer back online to escape your doom!

But it's hard to resist getting a little silly sometimes. Especially when you are absolutely positive no one is watching.


13/07/09
"Rose: Captchalogue W."



W > L. W > V.


13/07/09
"==>"



But that unsightly void in the W pack won't do, nor will the gash in the plastic.

You deposit 12 CENTS in its place, which is your approximation of the letter's value. You also make a vow to return later and neatly sew the plastic shut.


13/07/09
"Rose: Think of ways to one-up mother."



You now wonder how to address the pillow situation. It seems the woman has you at a clear disadvantage.

Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow will do the trick? Or maybe spilling a bit of WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE on it, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology note? No, there's no time for anything like that. Or maybe (just thinking out loud here) you could use the entire pack of W's as M's? Oh yes, that would burn.

But you've already done something with that W pack, and there's no need to go back and gild that lily. This is delicate business. And that pillow is screaming for rebuttal.


13/07/09
"Rose: Captchalogue velvet pillow."



You decide to take the VELVET PILLOW and lovingly embroider a poem in praise of MOTHERHOOD on it. Hopefully you can pull this off before she notices it's gone.

Ve > L. Ve < Vi. Ve > U.

But it causes your tree to be pretty badly unbalanced. It surely will AUTO-BALANCE itself in a moment.


13/07/09
"==>"



And just like that, the UMBRELLA becomes accessible in the ROOT CARD. That's one of the things you love about the TREE MODUS. The happy surprises.


13/07/09
"Rose: Head out the back door."



Ok, enough's enough. Time to get goiAUGH


13/07/09
"==>"



You don't know how she does that. You're never safe in this house.

And of all things to be doing during a power outage. She's up to her IRONIC HOUSEWIFE routine again. That mop bucket doesn't even have any water in it! What an absolute madwoman.


14/07/09
"Rose: Hop over counter, landing in a roll."



This bird's gotta fly!


14/07/09
"==>"






14/07/09
"==>"



Lousy goddamn stupid wizards.


15/07/09
"Meanwhile, in the past again."



You're almost done patching up the hole in your window with the GAFFER TAPE.

But it's sort of hard to get any work done when people keep pestering you all day. You guess you better get that.


15/07/09
"Dave: Answer chum."



|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 18:36 --

GG: hi dave!!
TG: hey sup
GG: not much sup with you!!
GG: bro! hehehe
TG: haha
TG: good one
TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes
GG: great! feeling cool today?
GG: mr cool guy?
TG: oh man you know it
GG: sooooo cooooooool!!!
TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here
TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you
GG: :D
GG: so have you talked to john today???
TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex
TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous
GG: lol
GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!
TG: what was it you use again...
TG: wait nm
TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john
GG: :)
GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!
TG: oh yeah
TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet
GG: i think it did!
TG: yeah?
GG: and i think mine came too
TG: so uh
TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?
GG: no!!!!!!!
GG: he will not open it
GG: he will lose it!!!
TG: oh
TG: uh
TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?
GG: no its good actually!
GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it
GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!
TG: see like
TG: i never get how you know these things
GG: i dont know
GG: i just know that i know!
TG: hmm alright
GG: anyway i have to go!
GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking
TG: man
TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off
GG: heheheh!
GG: i dont think i could if i tried!!!
TG: yeah
TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok
GG: ._.
GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain
GG: it is usually........
GG: intense!!!
TG: well yeah isnt it always with family
TG: but he sounds like a total badass
GG: yeah he totally is!!!
GG: anyway gotta go!
TG: see ya
GG: <3


15/07/09
"Dave: Get phone."



It will be handy to have your PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8%10 = 8) on standby so you won't always have to go back to your computer whenever someone pesters you. This way you can TEXT MESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18%10 = 8) people no matter where you are or what outrageously cool thing you're up to.


15/07/09
"==>"



SO.

COOL.


16/07/09
"JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM."



And even meanerwhile, in the present. Sort of.

Once again, the slippery antagonist eludes you. You only find more of these unpleasant oily smears.

Someone is pestering you. Both your PDA and computer register the message.


16/07/09
"THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: alright
TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game
EB: oh, good!
EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok
TG: well if she comes back ill be ready
TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly
TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle
TG: and they always do
EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?
TG: FU
TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword
TG: end of story
EB: ok i don't really care.
EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.
EB: like monsters or something.
TG: howie???
EB: haha I WISH.
TG: dude monsters arent real
TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies
EB: maybe. yeah you're right.
TG: what are you an idiot
TG: of course there are monsters in your house
TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on
TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes
TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"
TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it
TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet
TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"
TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there
EB: ok ok stop!
EB: what do i do?
TG: what do you have a hammer
TG: man so lame
TG: ok whatever
TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex
TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds
TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice
EB: hmm...
EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.
EB: how's it going there?
TG: im out in the living room hes usually here
TG: but i dont see him
TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit
TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far
EB: hahaha.
EB: oh god.
EB: SO LAME.
TG: what
EB: see...
EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.
EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.
TG: oh lil cal? no man
TG: lil cal is the shit
EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.
TG: yeah bullshit
TG: cal is dope
TG: puppets are awesome
TG: john egbert blows
TG: the end
EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!
EB: i'm going to read.
EB: good luck with your bro.


16/07/09
"READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY OF THESE FOES."



Pff. Monsters.

Only retarded babies who poop in their diapers believe in that stuff.


19/07/09
"[S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door."






20/07/09
"==>"



It looks like MOM has satisfied her [S] STRIFE! quota for the day. She simply returns to her housework.

No point in going out the front door anymore. Might as well head out the back, like you originally planned.


20/07/09
"Rose: First, be the pony. Second, trample Mom."



You can't be this stupid pony, and frankly you can't imagine why anyone would want to!

But you give the pony a begrudging pat on the snout anyway.

Her name is MAPLEHOOF.


20/07/09
"JOHN TURN AROUND!!!!!"



You're TRYING to read, ok? This book is already unpleasant enough as it is without weird voices in your head nagging you to do things.

Besides, I thought we already agreed there's no such thing as monsters.


22/07/09
"==>!!!"



Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.


22/07/09
"[S] ==>==>==>!!!!!!!!!"






23/07/09
"Rose: Exit."



You leave through the back door.

Nearby is the TRANSFORMER which distributes electricity from the UNDERGROUND GENERATOR powered by the river flowing beneath your house.

The transformer was struck by lightning though, and no longer works. You wonder if your mother has any plans to have it fixed. You guess she'd rather just play her mind games in a dark house like a weirdo.

You can see the MAUSOLEUM and the PORTABLE GENERATOR across your back yard. You're almost there.


23/07/09
"Rose: Use umbrella."






23/07/09
"==>"



You regather your items and begin the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.


23/07/09
"[S] GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER."






24/07/09
"Rose: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum."



Retrieving the W never even crossed your mind. It's just a stupid magnet.


24/07/09
"==>"






25/07/09
"[S] JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON!"






26/07/09
"YOU SAID"






26/07/09
"PUT THE BUNNY"






26/07/09
"BACK IN"






26/07/09
"THE BOX!!!!!!"



Now why couldn't he put the bunny back in the box?


27/07/09
"NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS."



The amazing victory allows you to scale the first two ACHIEVEMENT RUNGS on your ECHELADDER. You are now a PLUCKY TOT, with a new feather in your cap to show for it.

The ECHELADDER rewards your bold ascent with 125 BOONDOLLARS. You waste little time in storing them in your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW.

Additionally, climbing the rungs has boosted your GEL VISCOSITY and CACHE LIMIT.


27/07/09
"==>"



By expanding your CACHE LIMIT, you've made room for all that nice grist you just collected. You now have 32 fragments of BUILD GRIST, and 10 fragments of SHALE.


27/07/09
"WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD."



It seems the SHALE IMP had allocated the BUNNY to its STRIFE SPECIBUS.

Sort of a stupid thing to use for a weapon, but you might as well grab it, and stick the BUNNY in your STRIFE DECK while you're at it. It will at the very least be safer there.


27/07/09
"OK."



You group the two SPECIBI in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO.

No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.


28/07/09
"GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER."



Oddly enough, it seems breaking the SLEDGEHAMMER altered the ABSTRATUS from HAMMERKIND to HANDLEKIND, even going as far as expelling the head of your smaller HAMMER from your deck to force compliance. You didn't even notice in the heat of the battle.

You grab the SLEDGEHAMMER HANDLE, expelling the useless HARLEQUIN FIGURINE.


28/07/09
"NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER."



You merge the SLEDGEHAMMER HEAD with its HANDLE, and return it to your STRIFE DECK, repairing the HAMMERKIND ABSTRATUS in the process.

The smaller HAMMER HANDLE is ejected from the deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belong in there. Obviously.


28/07/09
"FINE. NOW WHAT"



Dave is pestering you. But you don't have time to deal with his nonsense right now.

Something is amiss in your room. You can't quite put your finger on it...


28/07/09
"==>"






28/07/09
"Rose: Hurry and activate the generator!"



You fire up the GENERATOR and drag a cord into the MAUSOLEUM.

It of course would be foolish to run the GENERATOR inside a confined space. GENERATOR SAFETY is everyone's business.


28/07/09
"Rose: Defile tomb."



Sorry, Jaspers. Have to make space for the LAPTOP.

Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should have decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a tiny, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin built for infants.


29/07/09
"Rose: Plug in your laptop."



You plug in your LAPTOP and connect to the internet signal again.

Everything predictably falls out of your SYLLADEX, but you're not about to get bent out of shape about it. You have bigger fish to fry.

Looks like Dave noticed you're back online. He pesters you like clockwork.

And there's John. What on earth is he up to now?


29/07/09
"THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR."



You're right. Didn't Rose yank the door off its hinges and prop it on your bed?

Someone or something has put it back and left it slightly ajar.


29/07/09
"INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE."



HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!


29/07/09
"[S] WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS"






30/07/09
"Rose: Pester John."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: oh there you are
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.
TG: oh well thats a relief
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now
TT: Working on it?
TG: yeah my bros copy long story
TG: hey
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever
TG: or semi-semi ironic
TG: man i dont even know
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up
TT: I've seen his websites.
TT: I like them.
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that
TG: with those dead eyes jesus
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out
TT: Interesting...
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream
TG: youre going to have a field day with that
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.
TG: yeah im gonna get moving
TG: oh have you heard from john
TG: hes not answering me
TT: He won't answer me either.
TT: But I am watching him.
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.
TG: hahahahaha
TG: alright im out
TG: later


30/07/09
"INTERROGATE THIS MADWOMAN."



|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: um... nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Yes, dear!
JOHN: wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
JOHN: well, i guess it was a really great prank. good one nanna.
JOHN: anyway, are you REALLY my dead nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Of course, John! I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!
JOHN: ok, i guess i will take your word for it. i don't remember you at all! my dad said i was really young when you died.
JOHN: hey speaking of which, do you know where he is??? i looked everywhere for him!


30/07/09
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: Your father was kidnapped!
JOHN: oh no!
NANNASPRITE: When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here has awakened.
JOHN: what? ok, so what is the medium you are talking about?
NANNASPRITE: It is where we are now! A realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe.
JOHN: you mean because we are inside a computer, or in the game software or something?
NANNASPRITE: A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?
JOHN: well, uh, it's like this machine that, uh...
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo! Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg! Hoo hoo hoo!
JOHN: oh, ok.
NANNASPRITE: No, John. You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!
JOHN: i'm not sure i get it, but alright.
JOHN: so what do i actually need to be doing here?
NANNASPRITE: I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!


31/07/09
"[S] GO ON. ==>"



|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: Above The Medium, beyond The Seven Gates, residing at the core of The Incipisphere is a place known as Skaia.

NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that Skaia exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!

NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!


31/07/09
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate.

NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!


01/08/09
"ME?? ==>"



|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: ME??

NANNASPRITE: Yes, you, John!

NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the Sprite's previous incarnation, which resulted from its Kernel's "hatching".

NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of Kernels, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch!

NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an Orb atop a Spire, of which there are three others in kind. The Four Spires are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective Sovereign Powers!

NANNASPRITE: And once the Kernels are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil.

NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!


01/08/09
"A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN. ==>"



|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: wow, really? then what's the point?

NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle!

JOHN: whoa!!!

NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia, and pass through The First Gate situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills!

JOHN: how am i supposed to get up there?

NANNASPRITE: You build!


02/08/09
"==>!"



|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: ok, i think i get it now!
JOHN: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad!
NANNASPRITE: Yes, John!
JOHN: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!!!
NANNASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!


02/08/09
"==>?"



|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that!
JOHN: oh...
NANNASPRITE: Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!
JOHN: and that is?
NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!


02/08/09
"YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT."



|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed.
JOHN: thanks, nanna.
NANNASPRITE: You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!
JOHN: hooray!
NANNASPRITE: I am going to go bake you some cookies.
JOHN: ...


02/08/09
"THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HER."



Oh God dammit, that's just what you need. More baked goods.


02/08/09
"JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM"



You totally abjure the hell out of that idea.

You're so busy abjuring, you don't even notice Rose has been trying to pester you this whole time.


03/08/09
"Rose: Hit John in the head with box to get his attention."



You give John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he is undeterred!

That is some fit he is throwing.


03/08/09
"==>"



Perhaps you will take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It may also behoove you to record your thoughts on these developments in your GameFaqs walkthrough/journal. It can be hard finding time to update it. In fact, you're not even sure where you found the time to write what's already there!


03/08/09
"==>"



Oh is that so, Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin???

The last thing you need is sass from a dead cat. It's pretty much all his fault you're in this mess in the first place, so he can just button it.


03/08/09
"JOHN. COOKIES. NOW."



You refuse outright!


03/08/09
"THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES!!!!!!"



Well when you put it so politely, how can John decline??


03/08/09
"JOHN YOU ARE STUPID."



You really need to work on your manners.


03/08/09
"STUPID STUPID DUMB"



That's not a command. It's nothing.

It's stupid.

You're stupid.


03/08/09
"FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy"



It's just not going to happen buddy!


03/08/09
"Years in the future..."



But really not enough to write home about.

An agitated finger slips mid-keystroke.


04/08/09
"==>"



She's not finished with this yet! Jeez, cut her some slack.

Maybe you could go bug someone somewhere else for a while? Or at the very least, somewhen else.


05/08/09
"Months in the past, but not many..."






05/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: hi happy birthday rose!!! <3
TT: Hello, and thanks.
GG: did you get johns present yet?
TT: I just opened it this very moment. What a stunning coincidence you would ask about it now. I am stunned.
GG: yeah i know!!
GG: what will you make with it?
TT: And who said it was something from which something else could be made?
GG: well john did tell me what it was duh.....
TT: I suppose I'll take a stab at learning the craft.
TT: It's the least I can do in response to the subtle dig concealed in his gesture.
TT: He often tells me I "need a new hobby" when I make perfectly reasonable analytical remarks.
GG: oh but rose i dont think he meant anything like that by it!!
GG: you see not everybody always means the opposite of what they say the way you and dave always do
TT: Maybe.
TT: His birthday is in a few months, isn't it?
GG: yep!
GG: i finally finished a present for him
GG: ive been working on it for years!!!!
TT: Years?
TT: It's so hard to tell when you're joking.
TT: Or if you're even capable of it.
GG: heheheh.... :)
GG: i just mailed it too so it is sure to get there on time
GG: mail takes a while to get anywhere from here!!!
TT: I'll probably craft something with strong sentimental value.
TT: That should burn him.
GG: i dont think you really mean that!
TT: I guess not.
TT: So, shall I expect a green package dropped to my house via airmail from whatever screwball cranny of the globe you're tucked into?
GG: err.......
GG: no :(
GG: sorry but you are sort of hard shop for <_<
GG: besides i have something for you today that i think you will like better than some thing in a box!
TT: Oh?
GG: it is a tip!!!!
TT: This is already intriguing enough to compensate for the grave scarcity of lavish gifts parachuting from the sky. Please go on.
GG: did you have a pet a long time ago that died?
TT: Yes.
GG: ok well how did you feel about your cat, did you love him a lot?
TT: "ok well", I didn't mention it was a cat, or that it was a male. Let's pretend I'm surprised and you're embarrassed and move on.
TT: To answer your question, I would describe my feelings toward the animal as lukewarm.
GG: ummmmm ok....
GG: thats fine!!!
GG: it doesnt really matter i think, just.....
GG: what if someone told you you could play a game that would bring him back to life?
TT: If someone told me that, I would regard the remark with a great deal of skepticism.
TT: If that someone was you, on the other hand, then I would have to ask preemptively:
TT: Is that someone you?
GG: yes that someone is me!!!!!!!!
GG: i just thought you might find it interesting
TT: So what is this game?
GG: oh i dont know
GG: im just saying is all
GG: i think youll hear about it later and maybe you can talk to john and dave about it
GG: they are way more into all that stuff than i am!!!!
TT: I'll see what the word on the street is about it. In due time.
TT: For now I should probably order a copy of Knitting for Assholes. It would be a shame if I ran late with John's present.


07/08/09
"Dave: Get katana."



You captchalogue your KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9%10 = 9) and prepare to venture out into the apartment to retrieve your BRO's copy of the game.

But first, maybe...

Just maybe...


07/08/09
"[S] Dave: Retrieve dead bird."



Dude, that bird is long gone. It probably won't last long in this heat anyway.

You don't even know what's up with this sick heat. The sun threatens to set but won't step off. It's staring you down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seems to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It's meant to rain this season but there ain't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might help to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.

"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little
I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles
Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle
G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo

When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot..."

-English Romantic poet, John Keats


07/08/09
"Dave: Exit your room, and go into the living room."



Sorry little dude, coming through. Gotta put you down for a bit.

You figure you've left him hanging long enough.


08/08/09
"Dave: Hastily enter the room with wild abandon."



You barge in and see a familiar face. A friendly face.


08/08/09
"==>"



You stand in the living room. Your BRO spends most of his days in here. At night he crashes on the FUTON over there. You don't see him anywhere though.

There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs. But when he's home he usually leaves CAL on display somewhere. And with good reason cause CAL is totally sweet.

So sweet.

Man.


08/08/09
"Dave: Pity da fool."



It's your brother's MR. T PUPPET, which of course is kept in the apartment with a sense of profound humorous irony. But as usual with your BRO's exploits, this is no ordinary irony, or anything close to a pedestrian TIER 1 IRONIC GESTURE which is a meager single step removed from sincerity. This is like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke. It might have been funny like eight years ago to joke about Mr. T and how he was sort of lame, but that was the very thing that made him awesome and badass, and that his awesomeness was also sort of the joke. But in this case, the joke is the joke, and that degree of irony itself is ALSO the joke, and so on.

Only highly adept satirical ninjas like you and your BRO can appreciate stuff like this. It's cool taking stuff that other people think is funny but you know really isn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which are utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.

Also, for good measure, Mr. T is wearing a LEATHER THONG and handcuffed to a pantsless CHUCK NORRIS PUPPET.

God you hope you can be as good as your BRO at this some day. You'd never tell him that though.


09/08/09
"Dave: Find Lil' Cal and give fistbumps."



CAL's nowhere in sight. All you see is a bunch of your BRO's weird nude puppets strewn around haphazardly.

You...

You guess these things are kinda cool.

Sort of...


09/08/09
"Dave: Play a game on the Xbox."



It looks like your BRO was playing. It's not like him to leave in the middle of some totally intense gaming.

Not like him to misplace CAL either... man you hope the little guy's alright.


09/08/09
"==>"



Oh there you are dude. Didn't see you there.

We be chill today, Cal? Yeah you better fuckin' believe we be chill.

Cal is the man.


09/08/09
"Dave: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox."



You fail to resist the urge.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.

But you get stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or a piece of the wall? You'll have to reset.

Fuck this shit.


09/08/09
"Dave: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump."



Aw man you almost forgot. Gotta give the C-man some props.


09/08/09
"==>"






09/08/09
"Dave: Check out your BRO's sweet gear."



Your BRO has so much sweet gear it's hard to keep up with it all sometimes. Here's his computer setup. He's usually got a lot of stuff cooking on here at any given moment.

Since he's not around you might as well sneak a peep.


10/08/09
"Dave: Look at your brother's computer."



Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners.

Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.


10/08/09
"==>"



You enter the password. On the desktop is a hodgepodge of unnamed folders to store all the stuff he's working on. No one can decipher his organization system but him.

He also tends to use the application COMPLETE BULLSHIT to keep up with the ludicrous amount of websites and news feeds he monitors to stay hip to the scene.


10/08/09
"Dave: Open Complete Bullshit."



This is COMPLETE BULLSHIT.


10/08/09
"Dave: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update."



Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

You navigate to the LATEST COMIC in one of the many BULLSHIT FEEDBANDS.


11/08/09
"Dave: Mouse over the orange stripe containing PlushRump."



Another one of your BRO's many ironic websites. The difference here is he rakes in thousands of dollars a month through this enterprise.

SMUPPETS are a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it's awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.


12/08/09
"Dave: Stop wasting time and look for Bro's beta."



You guess you've messed around on his computer long enough. Better get a move on before it's too late for Rose, or worse yet, your BRO catches you.

But my God... the rumps. They are transfixing.

You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.


12/08/09
"==>"






12/08/09
"==>"



Oh. Uh...

Hey...

Hey there, Cal.


12/08/09
"Dave: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump."






12/08/09
"==>"



You are sort of starting to flip the fuck out.

Without losing your cool of course.


12/08/09
"Dave: Pester John to ease your nerves."



You get Egbert on the line again to give him the lowdown on your progress. You feel it's important to keep the wires hot.

But he's not answering. You wonder what that guy is up to.


12/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: hey what is up
TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it
TG: where are you man
TG: anyway
TG: things are cool here
TG: totally cool
TG: puppets are still awesome
TG: no problems with them or anything
TG: like
TG: just
TG: really really awesome


12/08/09
"==>"



Looks like Rose is finally logged in again.

Didn't John say her house was burning down? You wonder if she's on fire yet or what.


12/08/09
"Dave: Pester Rose."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: oh there you are
TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what
TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.
TG: oh well thats a relief
TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now
TT: Working on it?
TG: yeah my bros copy long story
TG: hey
TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets
TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little
TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?
TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all
TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever
TG: or semi-semi ironic
TG: man i dont even know
TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up
TT: I've seen his websites.
TT: I like them.
TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD
TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that
TG: with those dead eyes jesus
TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out
TT: Interesting...
TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream
TG: youre going to have a field day with that
TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.
TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.
TG: yeah im gonna get moving
TG: oh have you heard from john
TG: hes not answering me
TT: He won't answer me either.
TT: But I am watching him.
TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.
TG: hahahahaha
TG: alright im out
TG: later


13/08/09
"Seconds in the future, but not many..."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: John, what are you doing?
TT: Snap out of it.
TT: We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think?
TT: Fine. Enjoy your stupor.
TT: I'll go about my business elsewhere.


13/08/09
"Rose: Deploy the Punch Designix."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix.
TT: It is in your study.
TT: I can only drop it though. You'll have to be the one to mess around with it and see what it does.
TT: When you're finished with your weird histrionics, maybe you could give it a try?
TT: I'm updating my walkthrough, and it would help to know what it does.


13/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now. Try to be careful.


13/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: so i can see.
EB: stupid lousy imps.
EB: they're mucking up all my cool stuff!
TT: Oh, there you are.
EB: oh, yeah.
EB: sorry!
EB: i'm not sure what came over me there, i was acting really crazy for some reason.
EB: but my head feels like it's clearing up, i think i'm alright now.


14/08/09
"John: Rebuild the claw hammer and return it to specibus."



You are getting way better at this sort of thing.


14/08/09
"John: Confront Pogo Ride to prepare yourself for Nanna."



Thank God your sanity has returned so you can entertain extremely rational, coherent thoughts like this one.

You examine the POGO RIDE from the bathroom window. You do not like what you see.


14/08/09
"[S] ==>"



Those sons of bitches. NO ONE risks painful injury on your GREEN SLIME GHOST POGO RIDE.

No one but YOU.


15/08/09
"Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps."






15/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: rose my piano!!!
EB: :C
TT: Sorry.
TT: No nuance to these controls at all.
TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can't really do that.
TT: A broken piano isn't the end of the world though.
EB: i guess you're right.
TT: You'll need to pick up the spoils in person. I can't interact with the grist.
EB: so...
EB: that means i have to go out the back door?
TT: Yes. Is there a problem?
EB: well it may sound dumb, but i was hoping to avoid nanna and her spooky ghost cookies.
TT: You're right, that does sound dumb.
EB: can you see her in the kitchen?
TT: Yeah.
EB: what's she doing, is she baking?
TT: You could say that.
EB: are you SURE you can't get that grist up to me somehow?
TT: Maybe.


15/08/09
"Rose: Use pogo ride to fling grist through window."



Doesn't look like that GRIST is going anywhere.

You just never know with these gaming abstractions.


15/08/09
"==>"






15/08/09
"Rose: Drop pogo ride in John's bathroom."






15/08/09
"John: Get grist."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: There you go.
TT: Now why don't you check out the Designix?
TT: You can do that while I get to work.
EB: on what?


15/08/09
"Piano: Level up for slaying the imp."



The piano in its valiant effort has unfortunately been slain.

But if it hadn't, it would have raked in so many BOONDOLLARS, you have no idea.

SO MANY.


15/08/09
"Rose: It's time to build."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing.
EB: oh yeah. ok.
TT: But this sure is going to take a lot of grist.
TT: Looks like you're going to be busy, John.
EB: blargh!
EB: well, what are you building?
TT: Stairs.
TT: They are fairly expensive actually.
EB: oh man...
EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!


15/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.
EB: IT KEEPS HAPENING
TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations.
EB: i told you rose
EB: i TOLD you about stairs!
TT: Ok.
TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs.
TT: Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider's non sequitur.
EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool?
TT: Does he?
EB: he's so dumb!!


15/08/09
"Rose: Use build grist to construct observation tower on roof"



Ok, you obviously don't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious. But you can get started with something of a foundation for upward construction, at least.


16/08/09
"John: Check cabinets for imps or useful items."



No imps in here. Just a lot of SHAVING CREAM.

Dads love shaving. It's basically all they do. (When they're not baking, that is.)


16/08/09
"John: Bring 2 cans of shaving cream."



You captchalogue two cans of SHAVING CREAM just in case. You never know when you'll need to bust out a hilarious SHAVING CREAM SANTA BEARD to ratchet up your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT.

Your TELESCOPE goes flying out the window.


16/08/09
"John: Ride pogo ride."



It's a little cramped in here for any sort of proper reckless pogoing. You'll just grab it and hang on to it until the right moment presents itself.


16/08/09
"==>"



The TOWEL floats back down to the rack.

The circle of stupidity is complete.


16/08/09
"Rose: Check up on Nannaquin, see what's cookin'!"






16/08/09
"==>"






17/08/09
"John: Make your way to the study."






17/08/09
"==>"



It looks like the imps have taken a shining to the CRUXTRUDER.

Cruxite and black goo. Everywhere.


17/08/09
"John: Ride Slimer pogo and one-up that imp."



Well ok, it's not a Slimer pogo, but you mount it anyway and brandish your deadly armaments.


17/08/09
"John: Ride your steed to victory."






17/08/09
"==>"



This is incredibly dangerous!


17/08/09
"John: Flip the fuck out."



Let's see how they like the old doublebarrel latherblaster WHOOPS OH SHIT.


17/08/09
"==>"






18/08/09
"mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up."



DON'T MOVE OR THE POGO GETS IT


18/08/09
"now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste."






18/08/09
"==>"






19/08/09
"Refrigerator: Level up for slaying the imp."



The REFRIGERATOR skyrockets up the ECHELADDER to a new rung: FIVESTAR GENERAL ELECTRIC and earns 285 BOONDOLLARS.

Things are really looking up for this feisty appliance.


19/08/09
"well done, john. polite congratulations."



For some reason you feel a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling is coming from, it sure is a welcome change from your erratic moods earlier.


19/08/09
"now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.
TT: John, imps behind you.
TT: Should I take care of it?
TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you.
TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream?
TT: So pointless.


19/08/09
"Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps."






19/08/09
"john might i bother you for a can opener?"



Oblivious to the commotion behind you, suddenly you find yourself pondering the whereabouts of a CAN OPENER.

You think there is probably one in the kitchen, but the path is blocked by your REFRIGERATOR.


19/08/09
"==>"



John is completely unresponsive.

What the hell is that nincompoop doing???


19/08/09
"Years in the future..."



But let's not get totally carried away here.

A studious eye darts about a page like a honeybee gathering the nectar of wisdom.


20/08/09
"==>"



http://tinyurl.com/0413sprite
http://tinyurl.com/0413power
http://tinyurl.com/0413internet
http://tinyurl.com/0413build
http://tinyurl.com/0413prototype
http://tinyurl.com/0413disconnect
http://tinyurl.com/0413nanna
http://tinyurl.com/0413weirdo
http://tinyurl.com/0413designix
http://tinyurl.com/0413grist
http://tinyurl.com/0413up
http://tinyurl.com/0413steed
http://tinyurl.com/0413barbasolbandit
http://tinyurl.com/0413really
http://tinyurl.com/0413hmm


21/08/09
"Rose: Construct loft above John's room."






21/08/09
"==>"






21/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.


21/08/09
"fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse"



Yes, it seems so.


21/08/09
"the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately"



It is unfortunate.

I guess.

What are we talking about again?


21/08/09
"but it has been a pleasure nonetheless."



Thanks for the courtesy.

It's not really necessary, but thanks anyway.


21/08/09
"oh, but thank you"



Ok.


21/08/09
"thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate"






21/08/09
"i shall take my leave now john. until next time"



Wait, where did all this sweet loot come from?

And why is there suddenly a crumpled hat on your head?


22/08/09
"John: Gather grist, examine designix."



Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop.

The device features a counter-top station design with a KEYBOARD SETUP, not unlike an old fashioned computer. There is a blinking red light, and a DIAGRAM etched into a panel.


22/08/09
"==>"






22/08/09
"Rose: Answer Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass
TT: What is the specific problem?
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.
TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face
TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.
TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock
TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses
TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here
TG: like
TG: the proboscalypse i guess
TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?
TG: what no
TG: no listen
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home
TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.
TG: no oh jesus
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse
TT: A painted pair of parted lips
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.
TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.
TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second
TG: this is serious
TG: i am just saying
TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like
TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever
TG: im gonna fly off the handle
TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit
TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.


22/08/09
"John: Observe back of the first visible captchalogue card."



You flip over the top card containing your POGO RIDE. Any time you captchalogue something, a new code appears on the back of the card. You've always wondered what the code was for.

Damn these things are hard to read. But then, you've never really found any reason to decipher them.

Until now, perhaps?


22/08/09
"John: Examine reverse side of hammer card in strife specibus"



Looks like cards from your STRIFE DECK have codes too.


22/08/09
"John: Enter captcha code as seen on back of pogo ride card."



You enter the code "DQMmJLeK" into the KEYBOARD. At least you think that's what the code is.

The red light switches off. A green light begins blinking.


22/08/09
"John: Insert card."






23/08/09
"John: Type in nZ7Un6BI"



In the interest of due diligence, you enter the other code and repeat the process with that card too.

Both cards are now punched with different hole patterns.


23/08/09
"John: Attempt to retrieve pogo from card."



Oh, well that should just be a simple matter of...

Uh oh. It looks like it's trapped now. You don't see how you can access the item anymore, or store a new item there for that matter. These cards are pretty much useless now, and the items they contain are toast!

But maybe all is not lost. Recalling from your experience with the PRE-PUNCHED CARD, you may be able to use the cards to replicate the items in question.

Assuming you got the codes right, that is...


23/08/09
"John: Mash keys heedlessly."



Not quite through with your cowboy empiricism just yet, you mash at the KEYBOARD to generate a random code.

You enter "dskjhsdk". The DESIGNIX stops you after eight characters, which appears to be the maximum length for a code. The green light goes on, signaling its readiness for a card.


23/08/09
"==>"



You figure you might as well burn the SHAVING CREAM since the product is not exactly at a premium in your household. You also figure you might as well merge the two cans on to one card.

You're a little sad that your DAD isn't around for this. You have a feeling he would get a real kick out of the idea of duplicating more SHAVING CREAM.


23/08/09
"==>"



You punch the card with a pattern that is in no way related to the code for the item it contains. This should make for an interesting experiment.

Mad science is a lot of fun.


23/08/09
"==>"



Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process. Your deck is really dwindling now. Maybe you should have thought this through a little better.

On the plus side, you just freed up your PDA, which is overflowing with the pent-up chatter of anxious pesterers.


24/08/09
"==>"






24/08/09
"==>"






24/08/09
"==>"






24/08/09
"==>"






24/08/09
"John: Answer your chums."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: PUPPETS
TG: AWESOME
TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER
-- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS --

TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.
TT: Watch out.


25/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary!
TT: I made a shortcut upstairs. I thought it would be a good idea to get up there and try the cards as soon as possible.
TT: Also, you weren't being terribly responsive.
EB: you mean these stairs?
EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...
EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those?
TT: They're perfectly navigable.
TT: I'm saving on grist for now.
TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future.


25/08/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room?
TT: Have you ever been in there?
EB: no.
TT: Exactly.
EB: huh?
TT: I'd rather not get sidetracked.
TT: I'm more interested in further exploring the mechanics of the game than watching you discover what sort outlandish harlequin decor your father keeps in his room.
EB: oh come on. what's the big deal, i'll just climb up and go right through!
TT: Will you?
EB: yeah, why not?
TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you?
EB: well, i mean yeah...
TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through."
EB: wait, are you saying there's something, like...
EB: troubling in there?
TT: I don't know.
EB: what do you mean? what do you see in there?
TT: I can't see in there.
EB: oh.
TT: But I don't have a very good feeling about it.
EB: pfff...
EB: whatever!
EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.


25/08/09
"Rose: Move punched cards to John's room."






25/08/09
"Rose: Drag some cruxite dowels up to John's room."






26/08/09
"John: Collect grist, examine safe."



You swoop up the bountiful supply of grist generated by your co-player's recent exploits. From now on it will probably go without saying that you'll nab any grist lying around without making a big fuss over it.

You check out the busted SAFE, which has made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of your father's odds and ends have spilled out, including some old NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS, and two rather hefty TOMES. It's a fair bet that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe.


26/08/09
"John: Examine family tome of humour."



It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY. This one looks really old, perhaps an original printing. Could it be the same one involved with your grandmother's unfortunate accident on that fateful day? DAD would never speak a word about it, but maybe NANNA wouldn't be so tight-lipped?

You give it a cursory perusal. It appears to be similar to your reprinting, listing all the japes and chicanery you have come to know and love. You captchalogue it, thinking you may give it a closer look later.


26/08/09
"John: Examine contents of safe."



You take a look at the other book. You're sure DAD thought this was a scintillating read, but it looks pretty boring to you. Maybe you'll crack into it some day when you're old enough to shave.

Everything in this safe was obviously very important to your father. You wonder why he kept it locked away from you?

Some things about him you will never understand.


26/08/09
"==>"



It seems he has been collecting scraps from the news over the years. These articles go back decades.


27/08/09
"John: Look at the piece of paper taped to the wall."






27/08/09
"John: Turn the card over."



You guess this is the combination to the safe.

This is completely useless.


27/08/09
"John: Examine back of captchalogue card on floor."



You guess these are all zeros? Or are they capital O's? Zeros would probably make more sense for an empty card, you think.


27/08/09
"John: Captchalogue the card."






27/08/09
"John: Enter code on back of card into designix."






27/08/09
"John: Punch card."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.
TT: Oh.
TT: I was about to say.
TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one.
TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two.
EB: oh yeah, you're right.
EB: dammit!


27/08/09
"John: Throw hat down in disgust."






28/08/09
"John: Captchalogue punched captchalogued captchalogue card."



What?


28/08/09
"John: Take PDA."



The two card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.


28/08/09
"John: Level up!"






28/08/09
"Colonel Sassacre: Level up for slaying the imp."



The Colonel soars to new heights on his ECHELADDER, reaching the rung: ONE MAN JULEP VACUUM, and pockets 9550 BOONDOLLARS.

Chump change for the genteel, aristocratic southern colonel.


28/08/09
"Bathtub: Level up for slaying the imp."



The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpasses the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER. The tub makes off with a cool 490 BOONDOLLARS.

The tub's BASIN CAPACITY remains unaffected.


28/08/09
"Safe: Level up for slaying the imp."



The SAFE was slain in battle. A great flaming nautical pyre carries it off to VAULTHALLA.


29/08/09
"John: Make your way up those stairs, posthaste."



You're not sure. They look pretty precarious to you.

But you've been assured the stairs are perfectly navigable.


29/08/09
"==>"



Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!


29/08/09
"==>"






29/08/09
"Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta."



You wander over to the place where your BRO keeps his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup is sweet. You feel pangs of jealousy whenever you walk by it. Really cool jealousy, though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, you don't actually give a shit.

One of your brother's rad and extremely expensive NINJA SWORDS is missing though.

You know this drill all too well. Trouble's a brewin'.


31/08/09
"Dave: Take expensive ninja sword."



What sword?


31/08/09
"Dave: Exit your bro's room."



You approach the exit.

There's something on the door you haven't seen before. Looks like one of your BRO'S ironic comics he left for you to check out.


31/08/09
"==>"






31/08/09
"==>"



Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time).

You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT".

But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this shit right now.


01/09/09
"Dave: Go into the kitchen."



No sign of BRO in here either.

Well, aside from the absurd quantity of awesome dangerous stuff he leaves lying around.


01/09/09
"Dave: Transfer katana to strife specibus."



With an escalating sense of threat, you think it's time you SHIFT (9) your KATANA (9) to your specibus.

You figure it's better to free up the card anyway, since you might need to grab some of this stuff.


01/09/09
"Dave: Set Blender to "Mix"."



You guess BRO stuck some FAKE BLOOD CAPSULES in that puppet? Pretty gross.


01/09/09
"==>"



You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident.

It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.


02/09/09
"==>"






02/09/09
"Dave: Captchalogue Buster Sword from behind microwave."



This might be the only thing in the whole apartment that's a bigger piece of shit than your own sword.

You put it back behind the microwave where it belongs.


02/09/09
"Dave: Set blender to "Crush Ice"."



It's just sort of bouncing around in there.

You're making a bit of a mess now.


02/09/09
"Dave: Hide evidence in microwave."



See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something?

This kitchen is pretty much useless.


02/09/09
"Dave: Grab those fireworks."



You captchalogue all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) the sink has to offer.

You just KNOW these are going to come in handy. Why would they be in the sink if they weren't?

Looks like one of them is still stuck in the GARBAGE DISPOSAL.


02/09/09
"Dave: Captchalogue Shurikens."



You grab the SHURIKENS (5) and...

Hey! Careful where you're putting stuff, especially if you're looking to turn your sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things.


02/09/09
"==>"



You put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (3) back into card 5 and prepare to start ov...

Or card 3, apparently. That settles that, you guess.


02/09/09
"Dave: Take nunchaku."



You take the NUNCHAKU (3), once again grabbing without thinking ahead.


02/09/09
"==>"



First you captchalogue the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the SHURIKEN trap, which you yourself set only moments ago.


02/09/09
"==>"



You again round up all the FIREWORKS. Time to regroup here.


04/09/09
"Dave: Captchalogue each shuriken individually."



You grab each SHURIKEN (3) one at a time, knocking out those NUNCHAKU.

But no worries. You've got a plan.


04/09/09
"Dave: Captchalogue nunchucks."



You take the NUNCHUCKS (6). Everything seems to be in order now.

It would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes you've just got to compromise with this modus.


04/09/09
"Dave: Examine fetch modus."



You flip over your FETCH MODUS and check out the back.

You're not really sure where it is you're keeping this thing. Oh well, who cares.


04/09/09
"Dave: Press EJECT button."



Oh hell no. Not after all that trouble you went through to get that stuff situated.

This is potentially a very dangerous button.


04/09/09
"Dave: Change to Scrabble Points Hash Modus."



First you program your modus with a SCRABBLE POINTS HASH FUNCTION, adding it to the list.

A=1; B=3; C=3; D=2; E=1; F=4; G=2; H=4; I=1; J=8; K=5; L=1; M=3; N=1; O=1; P=3; Q=10; R=1; S=1; T=1; U=1; V=4; W=4; X=8; Y=4; Z=10;

This might be a cool function to use, but it looks like you'll have to empty your sylladex to select it. You're just not gonna do that yet. No way.


04/09/09
"Dave: Check the box "detect collisions"."



Ok.


04/09/09
"Dave: Take the skateboard."



And just what is this guy so happy about? What's he looking at up there?

You think if you see one more soft, bulbous bottom being like

kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever

you're gonna fly off the handle.


04/09/09
"==>"






04/09/09
"==>"



You take the SKATEBOARD (6).

Actually, no you don't. A collision has been detected.

You take the... uh...

WHEELED...

uh...

RIDE (7).

Man, your inventory's nomenclature is getting lamer by the minute.


05/09/09
"Dave: Captchalogue the unplugged powercord."



You take the POWER CORD (5)... wait, no. Not going to work.


05/09/09
"Dave: Think of a new word for powercord."



You take the BATTERY PACK (8). Dammit.

You take the BATTERY PACK (9), using the 'Y' as a consonant. Your sylladex reluctantly accepts.

It's a tactic notoriously employed by hashmap noobs, but you just don't care about that now. Besides, it's not like your BRO is around to see.


05/09/09
"==>"






05/09/09
"==>"






05/09/09
"Dave: Search for some MAD SNACKS YO."



Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again. You can never stay mad at him.

Anyway, you've got to get this way rude hunger under control. You figure you oughta scope the fridge for some grub. This hunger is so ill-mannered it would make a room full of snooty dowagers commit mass suicide.


05/09/09
"Dave: Open refrigerator."



Oh god more shitty swords.

Of course you knew these were in here. You're not even sure why you looked.

If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.


05/09/09
"Dave: Take swords."



The hell with it. You try to take the entire JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS and brace yourself for...

Looks like that works, actually. (2)

You captchalogue the JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS.


05/09/09
"Dave: Use ice maker, it's still hot around here."



You dispense several CHERRY BOMBS.


05/09/09
"==>"



Wait...

Who's that looking at you in the reflection?


05/09/09
"==>"



Where'd the little dude scamper off to this time?


06/09/09
"Dave: Captchalogue CHERRY BOMBS."



You go for the CHERRY BOMBS (9) unsuccessfully.

After mulling it over a bit, you take the RED SPHERICAL SALUTES (1).


06/09/09
"Dave: Take blender."



BLENDER (2) is a pretty simple word, and you can already tell that's not going to work.

Instead you take the...

WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (4).

That's really a much better name for it anyway, you think.


06/09/09
"Dave: Activate garbage disposal."






06/09/09
"Dave: Stuff down mr. purple guy into the garbage disposal."



You're still not sure what he's so happy about, or what he's looking at up there.


06/09/09
"==>"



While you're at it, you dump the contents of the BLENDER, oops I mean WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER, into the disposal. But you suffer an unfortunate GARBAGE DISPOSAL HEAD JAM.

You notice something in the reflection. Something above you.


06/09/09
"Dave: Look up."



It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment. BRO'S always tucking away in there when he's busting out his rad stealth stunts. He's so slick that dangling cord never even jostles.

You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.


06/09/09
"Dave: Use the turntables and cinderblocks to make a fort."



It's a pretty sweet fort you just made and you're pretty sure your brother would agree. Under different circumstances, you might be high-fiving over it right now.

But rather than get inside and take her for a spin, you really just need to use it to get up to that hatch.


07/09/09
"Dave: Yank cord."



It is time to face your destiny. No going back now.


07/09/09
"==>"






07/09/09
"==>"






07/09/09
"==>"



Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there.


07/09/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you
TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass
TT: What is the specific problem?
TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong
TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.
TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis
TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face
TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.
TT: Also, coarse is a good word.
TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock
TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses
TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here
TG: like
TG: the proboscalypse i guess
TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?
TG: what no
TG: no listen
TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home
TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.
TG: no oh jesus
TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse
TT: A painted pair of parted lips
TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air
TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.
TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,
TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.
TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second
TG: this is serious
TG: i am just saying
TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like
TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever
TG: im gonna fly off the handle
TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit
TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.


08/09/09
"Dave: Read the note on the hatch."






08/09/09
"Dave: Burst out of the puppet pile like "the one"."






08/09/09
"Dave: Be the other guy."



You are now the other guy.


09/09/09
"John: Take dowels and sheets from bed and make a tent."



This is so much fun.

A huge waste of time, yes. BUT SO MUCH FUN.


09/09/09
"==>"






09/09/09
"John: Carve a totem of the punched pogo card."



You put the punched card containing the POGO RIDE in the slot, and carve a TOTEM from one of the CRUXITE DOWELS.


09/09/09
"John: Repeat process with other cards and dowels."



You use the card containing the code for the HAMMER, as well as the one with the random code you punched over the SHAVING CREAM card for the hell of it. You carve the respective TOTEMS for the cards.


09/09/09
"John: Do same thing with captchalogued captchalogue card."



You make a TOTEM for a CAPTCHALOGUE CARD.

Pretty bare bones looking totem, if you ask you.


09/09/09
"Rose: Collect totems."



You stow the totems in your ATHENEUM.


10/09/09
"Rose: Produce captchalogue card."



The ALCHEMITER requires one unit of any type of grist to produce one card.

You decide to use SHALE, since it seems less generally useful than BUILD GRIST as of now.

You make a whole bunch of them.


10/09/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: whoa, did you just make all these??
TT: Yes.
EB: sweet, thanks!
EB: what did you do with all the blue wobbly vase-looking things?
TT: I brought the totems out to the alchemiter to test them.
TT: I'm taking some things into my own hands to save some time.
EB: ok.


10/09/09
"==>"



You create a HAMMER at the expense of 2 units of BUILD GRIST.


10/09/09
"==>"



You make a POGO RIDE too. Minus 5 BUILD, 1 SHALE.


10/09/09
"==>"



You use the TOTEM carved with the random code. You create a...

A ROCKET PACK?

With some random crap stuck inside it. Looks like a CINDERBLOCK, a VIOLIN, and a FLOWER POT. The items have rendered the device completely inoperable.


10/09/09
"==>"



You figure you might as well put this piece of junk to use.


11/09/09
"John: Collect cards."



Using a little strategy, first you grab HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY, then the cards, then your ejected PDA, then the book again to flush the cards into your deck.

Nice going!


11/09/09
"John: Turn on "detect collisions"."



You flip your FETCH MODI but find no such option.

This is idiotic.


11/09/09
"John: Read book. Be the wise guy."



You never really understood what Caveney's relation to Anderson was, or why he wrote this book about him. His ambivalent attitude toward your favorite magician in these anecdotes always struck you as a little weird, and to be honest, you tend not to read much of the text in the book. You mostly like to look at the diagrams for all the cool tricks.


11/09/09
"==>"



Oh yeah, that's right. The old HOLE IN THE ACE trick, interestingly enough, pertaining to punching holes in cards and making them "disappear" and stuff. Your hands were never really strong enough to make this one work all that well either.

But actually... this gives you an idea.


11/09/09
"==>"



You overlap two of the punched cards. They mask each other's hole patterns.


11/09/09
"John: Put both cards in totem lathe."



You carve another TOTEM using the new combined hole pattern.


11/09/09
"John: Take it to the alchemiter."



Oh man, looks like Rose made like a million hammers for some reason.

Get all this shit out of the way, you're about to make something sweet!


11/09/09
"==>"






11/09/09
"==>"



You got the POGO HAMMER.


13/09/09
"John: Practice with new weapon."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: What did you do?
EB: i combined the cards in the lathe thingy and made this!
EB: it is so sweet, man look at me go.
TT: I see.
TT: That was a really good idea, John. Nice work.
EB: thanks!
EB: i got the idea from harry anderson.
TT: Who?
EB: uh, you know the show night court?
TT: No.
EB: oh.
EB: well bottom line is...
EB: he's awesome
EB: that's really all there is to say on the matter!


14/09/09
"John: Attack the nearest imp to test pogo hammer's strength."



You get a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slay the imp in one blow.

You and the POGO RIDE are catapulted sky-high in the process.


14/09/09
"==>"






14/09/09
"==>"






14/09/09
"==>"






14/09/09
"==>"






14/09/09
"==>"






14/09/09
"Rose: Pester John."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh...
EB: nice...
EB: uh...
TT: Sweet catch?
EB: ... save.
EB: oh, yeah.
EB: that.
EB: this is pretty comfy.
EB: why don't you just like,
EB: carry the bed around with me on it?
EB: up to the gate up there!
TT: I can't interact with you directly, or anything that you are touching, if it will result in moving you.
TT: See?
EB: oh.
EB: lame!
TT: The game probably regards that as a kind of cheating.
TT: In a way, thieving you of your free will as an adventurer, and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity.
TT: The server player is just a facilitator.
EB: well, ok.
EB: all that scurrying around kind of wore me out, i think i'm going to rest here for a bit.
EB: rose, can you keep the imps at bay? like, drop some stuff on them if they sneak too close.
TT: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.
EB: what, come on!
TT: I have no idea what the hell Dave is up to, or if he's any closer to recovering the game.
TT: There's some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through.
EB: oh alright.
EB: i'm just gonna rest my eyes here a second though.


14/09/09
"[S] John: Sleep."






15/09/09
"Rose: Check Alchemy Excursus."



Looks like a sort of index documenting all the known results for punch card alchemy combinations.

This could be a convenient resource as you start to stumble on more useful card combinations. But ever since John started punching cards, you've been contemplating other ways this item manufacturing system could be put to use. In particular, if you obtain the code for any item at your disposal, you think you could theoretically send the code to John and he could make it himself.

That is, if you can think of anything that would be worth sending to him.


15/09/09
"Rose: Captchalogue Sburb Server CD."



You eject the disk and captchalogue the SERVER CD.


15/09/09
"Rose: Message John the Captcha code."



Oh God damn it.


15/09/09
"==>"






15/09/09
"==>"






15/09/09
"==>"






17/09/09
"[S] John: Wake up."






17/09/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: hey!!!!
EB: whoa, there you are!
GG: how is your adventure going john?
EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.
GG: thats good!!
EB: oh but, like...
EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(
EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.
GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!
GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive....
GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!!!
EB: yeah, you're probably right.
EB: but, um...
EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?
GG: oh uhhh.......
GG: i dont know didnt you???
EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked to rose or dave about it or something.
GG: yeah maybe that was it!!
EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!
GG: heheheh :D
EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?
EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.
GG: oh well john
GG: i want to explain lots of things to you....
GG: some things that i know
GG: im just......
GG: waiting!
EB: waiting for what!
GG: oh! john!!!
GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!
EB: oh yeah.
EB: what ever happened with that?
GG: oh boy.... well........
GG: it turns out i was confused about it...
GG: really confused! o_o;
GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and.....
GG: lost track of time
GG: that happens!!
EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!
EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.
EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?
GG: well.....
GG: its hard to explain!!!
GG: but...
GG: i know what it is now!
GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!!!
EB: so what is it???
EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me???
GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!!!
GG: but i cant yet
GG: i really think you need to wake up first!
EB: huh?
GG: well ok not literally
GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!!
EB: AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EB: stop being so confusing!!!!
GG: lol :)
GG: anyway time for you to go john
GG: i think you have some company!!!
GG: <3

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ??:?? --


18/09/09
"John: Quickly grab the pogo hammer."



You stick the POGO HAMMER back in your STRIFE SPECIBUS and get ready to kill some more of these pesky little...

Huh? What's that?


18/09/09
"==>"






18/09/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at ??:?? --
EB: rose, why aren't you dropping something on that thing??
EB: oh no
EB: D:


18/09/09
"John: Be the imp."



You be the imp and quickly abscond the fuck outta there!!!

This is what weaker adversaries do whenever things get too hot to handle, which is frequently.


18/09/09
"John: Prepare for a boss battle."



You stop being the imp because that was stupid, and scurry over to your MAGIC CHEST that you suddenly remembered was on the roof. There are some things in here that would be good to stock up on for a major battle.

But it looks like someone has plundered your chest!!! This is so outrageous.


18/09/09
"==>"






18/09/09
"==>"



You are being ambushed!

There isn't much room to maneuver on this sloping roof. Maybe you should consider making your way to higher ground.


19/09/09
"John: Ascend to the highest point of the house."



You go up here.


19/09/09
"John: Look down."



You peek over the edge.


19/09/09
"==>"



It already seems like a long way down to your yard. Not even to speak of whatever's below.

Hey, weren't your TRICK HANDCUFFS dangling from that branch earlier? Dammit, why do imps got to be making off with all your sweet gear??


19/09/09
"John: Turn around..."



You are confronted with a pair of enormous foes.

This is it. You have no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This is totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden shift in our attention. It's go time. It's time to do this thing.






21/09/09
"Dave: Stop being the other guy."



You stop being the other guy. You're not even sure what that meant anyway.


21/09/09
"[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building."






21/09/09
"==>"



You are now the Wayward Vagabond.


21/09/09
"WV: Retri..."



Got em already.


21/09/09
"WV: Examine rotten pumpkin."



What pumpkin?


21/09/09
"WV: Check the little red bar."



It appears to be a gauge for a large POWER CELL, perhaps fueled by some type of nuclear reaction. If this is the case, it is relatively low on fuel. But who knows how long it has been running here?

You do not care about this sort of nonsense and you will disregard it at once. You are very hungry.


21/09/09
"WV: Captchalogue can of gravy."



Captchalogue? You have no idea what that means. It is total nonsense and you do not know what to make of it. You will not give the foolish notion a second thought.


21/09/09
"WV: Pick up the can of gravy. Just pick it up."



You just pick it up.

You are now holding the CAN OF GRAVY.


22/09/09
"WV: Use sharp teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can."



Your teeth are useless for the task! They are blunt like that of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant matter, and not for puncturing metal.


22/09/09
"WV: Attempt to open can with your weak pathetic digits."



Your WEAK PATHETIC DIGITS are not strong enough to penetrate the can!!!

Your fingers are certainly pointy enough, and your black carapace is suitably rigid, but you just don't have enough muscle for the task.


22/09/09
"WV: Take the can labeled BEANS."



Ok, you take that too.


22/09/09
"WV: Examine can of custard."



The can clearly reads "MUSTARD", a fact of which you were perfectly well aware.

It is sort of cumbersome holding all these cans at once. You doubt you can hold many more than this. Maybe one or two.

You'll need to find something to put stuff in if you want to carry a lot of things around.


22/09/09
"WV: Examine marking on wrist."



You drop all the cans and take a look at your wrist.


22/09/09
"==>"



It is a sort of specialized BAR CODE PATTERN.

This brings back unpleasant memories and you would prefer not to dwell on it.


22/09/09
"WV: Examine the small potted plant."



What plant?


23/09/09
"WV: Check book on Human Etiquette."



It appears half the pages of this book have been eaten. The daunting volume is considerably lighter than it once was.


23/09/09
"==>"



You are somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages. However, of the practical wisdom they contain there can be little doubt. You have learned so much.


23/09/09
"WV: Clear out all the cans inside the purple machine."



You empty the peculiar cabinet and take a quick inventory of your canned goods.

You have BEANS, MUSTARD, GRAVY, BREAD, SHRIMP, ASPARAGUS, CHEESE, RICE, CORN, PEAS, FLOUR, CHESTNUTS, MAYO, HAM, POTATOES, and SQUASH.

Such bountiful plenty. And yet the delights taunt you from within their small metal prisons.


23/09/09
"WV: Search room for can opener."



You have already looked all over the place for a CAN OPENER, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail.

Nothing else inside the purple thing either.


23/09/09
"WV: Locate a nearby sharp object."



You wield your TRUSTY KNIFE.

It is actually a...

You're not sure what they're called. It's an old rusted one of those red mailbox arm-swing flappy doodads, either for letting you know there is mail in the box, or maybe for alerting the mailman to outgoing mail to be collected. You don't know, really. You've wrapped a little piece of cloth around it for the grip.

It is useless for opening cans.


23/09/09
"WV: Be the imp."



This means nothing to you. You are not an imp, you have no idea what an imp is, and you will not entertain such frivolous and childish ideas ever again. You feel stupid and hate yourself a little for even considering it.


23/09/09
"WV: Become the mayor of Can Town."



As the glorious founder and mayor of CAN TOWN, you erect a dignified, majestic CITY HALL out of cans, fittingly capped off with a tome of good manners for the roof. You have given yourself a very official and important looking MAYORAL SASH made out of old cables to complete your look of authority. A number of rather civic-minded CITIZEN CANS gather in front of the building to offer adulation to their fair and magnanimous leader. All is well.


23/09/09
"==>"



You immerse yourself in this beautiful dream as you whittle away the minutes, or perhaps hours.

You love the idea of being a mayor. You love everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civil democracy. It all seems so mannerly and reasonable to you. Everyone is friendly and happy, and the city runs like clockwork. The foundation of the government is based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It is also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loves who is totally amazing and heroic and brave.


23/09/09
"==>"



Mayors are so much better than kings. You hate kings and you think kings are really stupid. They are petty, bossy tyrants and are really full of themselves and are basically awful in every way.

God do you hate kings.


24/09/09
"WV: Explore west of Can Town."



Over here is the other side of the room. There is another one of those purple storage boxes, and some useless objects scattered on the floor.


24/09/09
"WV: Use glowing green rock to open cans."



You pick up the nugget of URANIUM and...

Oh that was so stupid. Why would you do that?


24/09/09
"WV: Examine box of crayons."



It's chalk numbnuts.


24/09/09
"==>"



Inside the box, there are 12 pieces of CHALK in every color of the...

10 pieces of chalk. In most colors of the rainbow.

You are excited by this.


24/09/09
"WV: Try to open the storage box."



It's locked!

There must be some sort of release mechanism for this thing.


24/09/09
"WV: Examine contents of yellow container."



The container is full of MOTOR OIL. This does not seem useful to you right now.


24/09/09
"WV: Rescue that poor lightning bug."



There is nothing you can do for this new little friend. Attempting to crush the AMBER encasing the FIREFLY would likely cause it harm.

It nevertheless bravely flashes on. You find its light alluring. Inspiring.

To you it seems as if it could quite easily serve as the light of...


24/09/09
"==>"



Democracy.


25/09/09
"WV: Use the chalk to draw some roads."



You sketch a handsome network of sprawling thoroughfares for your citizens to traverse. The adoring population applauds its mayor's keen instincts for city planning.

You even add some lush vegetation to your city with a piece of blue chalk, because you can't seem to find a more suitable color for some reason.


25/09/09
"WV: Lay a chalk foundation for Can Town's civic growth."



You develop westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for your city.

You section off a number of RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL ZONES for civic growth, arranged in the only logical pattern that occurs to you.

You color the RESIDENTIAL ZONES with your piece of white chalk, but for some reason none of the colors in the box strike you as suitable for the COMMERCIAL ZONES. Perhaps there is an alternative.


26/09/09
"WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones."



You cannot urinate because you have not had anything to drink in quite some time. You are very thirsty.

Also that is a really terrible idea and you would not consider befouling your wonderful city in that way for even a moment.


26/09/09
"WV: Use motor oil to designate commercial zones."



You fill each empty square with a bit of MOTOR OIL to complete the zoning. It looks rather striking to you. You can hardly imagine that an up and coming young can trying to make it in the world would not be delighted to live in your fair district.

You are very careful not to get any of the unpleasant fluid on your person.


26/09/09
"WV: Peel label from can of MAYO and affix to sash."






26/09/09
"WV: Survey surroundings in search of more terrain for city."



It seems you have run out of territory for your western expansion. But there is still a lot of empty wall space. Perhaps your citizens would be happier with a colorful backdrop that would make them feel more at home.


26/09/09
"==>"



Using most of your imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, you render a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds.

You have decided that very closely orbiting your city is a LUMINOUS PLANET, about which orbits a single MOON.

You switch to another shade of blue and continue rendering on the western wall.


26/09/09
"==>"



Orbiting much further from your city are FOUR PLANETS. None of these have satellites, you have decided. Yes, that makes sense, you think.


26/09/09
"==>"



And on the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, occupying the furthest orbit yet, there is an OMINOUS PLANET. A MOON circles this one too.


27/09/09
"WV: Check that rampaging boy on the screen."



Oh yeah, it's that guy. You had almost forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans.

It seems like he has things well in hand at the moment. He does not appear to need your help, and you have already concluded that he cannot help you, at least for the time being.


27/09/09
"WV: Turn on the other 3 screens."



You have no idea how to turn these on!

There is no mouse for this weird quadra-monitored computer. It can only be operated through text commands from its keyboard.

Perhaps there is a special key or command which will allow you to switch to another monitor?


27/09/09
"WV: Press Tab."






27/09/09
"==>"






27/09/09
"==>"






29/09/09
"WV: Consume several cans."



You free the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibe like the wind.

It is so sweet and sugary. You wonder how so much sugar can fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard concocted this potion is truly deserving of your fear and respect.


29/09/09
"WV: Welcome the rest into the city."



The TABS are naturalized as loyal new citizens of CAN TOWN. All cans are welcome and equal in your city, regardless of can content, and whether empty or full.

It's not like emptying a can kills it or anything. They are just cans after all.


29/09/09
"WV: Hit escape."



Feeling refreshed and heavily caffeinated, you go back to work on the big computer.

You hit ESCAPE, which seems to minimize the action window thingy and reveals a history of all the commands you've entered.


29/09/09
"==>"



You use the arrow key to scroll up a bit. You can't believe how much you've already typed into this stupid contraption. What a waste of time.


29/09/09
"==>"



You scroll all the way up to your first command.

It looks like there are more commands above it. Maybe someone was entering commands on this thing before you?

There aren't many more. At the top of this list appears to be the very first command.


29/09/09
"WV: Type => SWITCH 2."



You activate SCREEN 2.

The signal is garbled, and you have no idea what you're looking at. Some sort of filthy beggar pleading for help?

No one is around, And nothing is happening. You seem to be locked out of any sort of interaction with whatever's happening on this monitor.


29/09/09
"WV: Type => SWITCH 3."



It's another one of these rapscallions. This monitor is locked too. You can't tell him what to do. Not that you really want to, since it just looks like more confusing nonsense to you.

You consider switching to SCREEN 4, but decide against it. You have a feeling that whatever's there would just confuse you even more, and you don't even really care all that much anyway.


29/09/09
"WV: Type => HOME."



All four screens activate. Together they display a countdown, starting at four hours and thirteen minutes.


29/09/09
"WV: Type => REBOOT."



You can't! Nothing is working anymore. The timer seems to have disabled the keyboard.


29/09/09
"WV: Be the mayor."



Enough of this nonsense. You are an important mayor and this absurd contraption has wasted enough of your time. You've got a city to govern with a carapaced fist! (Which is to say firm, yet polished, and supple as the situation demands.)

Anyway this will help you kill some time while you wait for that clock to count down.


29/09/09
"WV: Create employment opportunities for the citizen cans."



You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA. You divide them into two groups, marking them with distinct teams and ranks using the piece of white CHALK and the MOTOR OIL. You then organize them in phalanx across the countryside, preparing for a stiff training regimen. When you are through with them, your forces will be a well oiled machine. Chalk another one up to bold leadership!


01/10/09
"[S] WV: Lead your men to victory!"



You waste more than four hours on this tomfoolery.


02/10/09
"WV: Mourn the loss of citizen tab."



Your caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can. You speculate this is why it exploded as you nervously eye the timer.

You are starting to wonder what will happen when it reaches zero. Maybe it would be best not to be near it when this happens.


02/10/09
"Minutes in the future..."



Though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance...

A PEREGRINE MENDICANT trundles precious cargo beneath the gleam of the celestially ominous.


02/10/09
"WV: Go outside and get some sun."



You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city. It is time to move on to greener pastures. By which of course you mean an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green has grown in years.


02/10/09
"==>"



The door shuts behind you. A panel on the door becomes illuminated.

As you ponder over the marks on the panel, you hear another mechanical sound overhead.


02/10/09
"==>"






02/10/09
"==>"



The LCD PANEL appears to have a touchscreen interface.


03/10/09
"WV: Curiously prod the funny-looking spirograph."



It appears the funny-looking spirograph room is locked!


03/10/09
"==>"



The floor rotates a full 360 degrees beneath you, while the surrounding wall seems to stay put.


03/10/09
"WV: Select the triangley fractal."



The triangley fractal room does not appear to be locked.


03/10/09
"==>"



The floor turns 120 degrees and the door opens.


03/10/09
"==>"



You go through the door to find another room. It's the same size as the other one you just wasted all that time in, while a clock was ticking down to something which may or may not be your doom. Maybe there is something in here that will help you escape.

Against the wall there is another perplexing contraption.


03/10/09
"==>"



Against the opposite wall is some sort of CONTROL PANEL which catches your eye.

It has two large screens, but only one appears to be active. There are fields for numbers which appear to be modifiable with the dials to the right. Some numbers are already supplied by default, perhaps entered by the previous user. There are a few buttons below, the largest one bearing the symbol marking this room.

Also it looks like there is a METER STICK propped up there for some reason.


03/10/09
"WV: Attach your trusty knife to the meter stick."



You immediately craft a MEASURING SPEAR through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thusfar. This is obviously the most important thing to do first.

OBVIOUSLY.


03/10/09
"==>"



Or it WOULD obviously be the most important thing to do if you had remembered to bring your TRUSTY KNIFE.

You feel so insecure without your TRUSTY KNIFE, it makes you want to slit your wrists. Or at the very least, flog your carapace with some sort of measuring apparatus.


03/10/09
"WV: Look at the other wall."



You examine the perplexing contraption across the room. You of course have no idea what it could possibly do.

You adopt the only obvious course of action which is to poke and prod it with your HANDY RULER. You are quite sure this is what science is all about.


03/10/09
"WV: Press the triangle pattern."



You go back to the CONTROL PANEL which probably obviously controls that gizmo and you push the big blue button which is obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.


03/10/09
"==>"



You appearify a PUMPKIN.


04/10/09
"WV: Examine pumpkin."



It seems this mysterious gourd was transported (appearified!!!) from a specific time and location somewhere on this planet you are on. You wonder if the machine (APPEARIFIER!!!) will take any object that exists at whatever time and location you supply.

There is a symbol carved on the PUMPKIN. You don't know what it means, and you doubt it will ever prove to be relevant in any way.


04/10/09
"WV: Devour pumpkin."



You consider dining on the ripe flesh of the plump vegetable, but your curiosity about the APPEARIFIER gets the better of you.

You try to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless.


04/10/09
"WV: Inspect green buttons."



You first examine the attractive GREEN BUTTONS.

The icon for the one on the left is that house shape you've seen plenty of times before.

The right one on closer inspection appears to be the map for this underground facility, with an X marking its center.


04/10/09
"WV: Press green button on right."



You push the button. All of the numbers change.

Perhaps these are the coordinates for the location of the center of this facility, along with the local date and time? If this is the case, it would make a useful reference point for your current bearings.


04/10/09
"WV: Fiddle with the dials."



One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from this facility.

It should be easy to zero in on a location relative to the center because you have an uncanny knack for tracking precise distances you have already traversed, in whatever units you choose.

Your HANDY RULER gives you a good clue as to the BASIC UNIT OF HUMAN MEASUREMENT. You will go with that.


04/10/09
"WV: Appearify your trusty knife."



You nudge the coordinates very slightly and bump up the elevation by 0.5 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS. You make sure to keep the time approximately what it was to begin with.

You appearify your TRUSTY KNIFE.


04/10/09
"WV: Appearify Can Town."



You nudge the numbers a bit more and appearify a bunch of cans. This is so much more efficient than walking back to the other room to get them.

You are to believe that time is at a premium, after all.


05/10/09
"WV: Deappearify the pumpkin."



Does this machine look like a DEAPPEARIFIER to you?? Honestly, the idea that an APPEARIFIER could both APPEARIFY and DEAPPEARIFY things is so laughably ridiculous, you would wish someone would DEAPPEARIFY your brain and REAPPEARIFY it with a brain that is more smart and less dumb.


05/10/09
"WV: Use trusty knife to carve spook schema in pumpkin."



What the hell are you talking about? That idea makes no sense at all and is basically meaningless. Try using that mushy stuff in your gourd next time.

Instead you just carve off the top, exposing a decadent cache of gorgeous, seed-laden ambrosia.

Needless to say you consume all of it rather quickly. But it turns out to be too gross for us to watch.


05/10/09
"WV: Move spirograph switch."



You cannot move it! It has a spirograph-shaped indentation, and possibly will require a special kind of key to turn it.


05/10/09
"WV: Appearify firefly out of the amber."






05/10/09
"==>"



You release your blinky new friend. You will give her a name when something suitably whimsical occurs to you.


05/10/09
"WV: Adjust time dial to appearify rotten pumpkin."



You and SERENITY consider new ways to waste more time with the APPEARIFIER. You are assuming she is a girl firefly even though you are not really sure that fireflies can even be girls.

You target the extremely tasty ROTTEN PUMPKIN that was sitting in the other room hours ago.


05/10/09
"==>"



It seems the APPEARIFIER cannot appearify something if it will create a TIME PARADOX.

A GELATINOUS GHOST PUMPKIN appearifies and quickly dissolves into a pile of UNAPPETIZING SLUDGE.


05/10/09
"WV: Appearify the grate over the entrance to the facility."



Serenity blinks a message of urgency. You nearly forgot that while trapped in amber she was witness to all your tomfoolery and dillydallying in the other room, and knows the timer is about to expire. It is time to get this show on the road and escape.

You reset the coordinates with the RIGHT GREEN BUTTON again, and this time only adjust the elevation by approximately 10 HUMAN MEASUREMENT UNITS.


05/10/09
"==>"






09/10/09
"[S] WV: Hasten to the exit post-haste!"






10/10/09
"oh wait"



You attempt the rare and highly dangerous 5X CLIFFHANGER COMBO, and fail.

We are doing it, man.

We are making this happen.


10/10/09
"[S] WV: Ascend."






10/10/09
"==>"



END OF ACT 2


12/10/09
"Dear John,"



You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson!

How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready.

But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, the Knight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend.

John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again!

Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed!




13/10/09
"ACT 3 ==>"



A silly girl naps by her flowers. It is quite likely that she tired herself out with a variety of silly antics, as silly girls are often known to do. She may have a silly name too. Or maybe not. It is hard to say for sure without asking her.

But since she's slumbering peacefully, it would be a shame to wake her up. You might as well just give her a name right now.


13/10/09
"Enter name."



Uh...

I guess...

I guess her name is Farmstink.


13/10/09
"Wake up!"



You try to roust Farmstink from her slumber, but she is really down for the count!

It looks like she is holding some sort of NOTE.


14/10/09
"Retrieve arms from..."



THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.

IN PLAIN SIGHT.

LOOK, THEY ARE FLASHING RED.


14/10/09
"Drop pumpkin on Farmstink."



What pumpkin?

You see no pumpkin, and frankly it is hard to imagine there ever was a pumpkin, in plain sight or otherwise.

Anyway, that would be a really terrible thing to do to poor, sweet Farmstink.


14/10/09
"Read note."






14/10/09
"Try again."






14/10/09
"==>"






14/10/09
"Examine room."



Your name is JADE. You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep. You have quite a number of INTERESTS. So many in fact, you have trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of COLORFUL REMINDERS on your fingers to help you sort out everything on your mind. Nevertheless, when you spend time in your GARDEN ATRIUM, the only thing on your mind is your deep passion for HORTICULTURE.

What will you do?


14/10/09
"[S] Jade: Play a silly flute refrain."






15/10/09
"==>"



Wow, you really suck at this thing!

Maybe you should try playing an instrument you actually know how to play instead, like the one in your bedroom. Honestly you have no idea where this flute even came from. Things seem to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to your unending chagrin, any sort of large orange gourd that might be lying around.

You consider throwing the flute down in disgust.


15/10/09
"Jade: Captchalogue flute."



On second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there is no reason to take your frustration out on it. You just need some practice.

But before you captchalogue the FLUTE you will need to set your FETCH MODUS first!


16/10/09
"Jade: Set modus."



[rollover above with mouse]

You have a wide variety of FETCH MODI to choose from. You were really excited when your GRANDPA bought you this MODUS SET for Christmas. He is a total badass, even if a little strict.

You typically opt for the MEMORY MODUS when it comes to matters of day-to-day practicality.


16/10/09
"Jade: Select Memory."



You set your modus to MEMORY, and captchalogue the FLUTE. You allot 9 cards to the modus from your deck, since that will be more than enough for your needs at the moment. The modus grabs 9 more cards for matching purposes.

The FLUTE is split up on two blank cards, and mixed randomly into the grid. To retrieve the item you must first pick one card, and then pick its matching card.

For the typical sylladexer this modus presents a frustrating guessing game and a lot of wasted time on mismatching. But you like it because you seem to have a knack for always guessing right on the first try!


16/10/09
"Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants."



It is an awfully silly idea and is basically a waste of everyone's time. You will predictably disregard this thought and focus on more sensible objectives at once.


16/10/09
"==>"



oh my god this is so much fun


16/10/09
"==>"



You captchalogue the BAG OF FERTILIZER.


16/10/09
"Jade: Consult colourful reminders."



You tend to have a lot of things on your mind at once, and you can be a little forgetful. So you keep a variety of COLORED STRINGS on your fingers as reminders. Each one means there is something different to remember at a certain time.

In fact, looking at your index finger reminds you that there is something important to remember now! It is your friend John's birthday. The green string reminds you that John's birthday package will arrive today. The blue string ALSO reminds you that John's birthday package will arrive today, though in a way that means something slightly different.

You are further reminded that you have some things to do outside your house soon. But you should stop by your room first for some supplies, and most importantly, to see if John is online and wish him a happy birthday!


16/10/09
"Jade: Captchalogue the pumpkin growing next to you."



You snap up that PUMPKIN which seems suitably ripe for the taking. Hopefully the safety of your sylladex will prevent it from being spirited away like so many of its ephemeral predecessors.


17/10/09
"Jade: Exit this room."






17/10/09
"==>"



You make your way to the middle of the GARDEN ATRIUM, where a stairwell joins the four ATRIUM WINGS.

Upstairs is your grandfather's LABORATORY as well as your BEDROOM.


18/10/09
"Jade: Captchalogue something."



Your MEMORY modus is hardly any fun without much stuff in it, so you decide to stock up on fresh produce to fill some more cards.

You pick a juicy red CRAB APPLE.


18/10/09
"==>"



You go pick a nice looking KEY LIME.


18/10/09
"==>"



Then a delicious MANDARIN ORANGE. Those are your favorite.


18/10/09
"==>"



And finally a ripe yellow EUREKA LEMON.


18/10/09
"==>"



Modus fun aside, you feel it is impossible to have too many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.


19/10/09
"Jade: Go upstairs to bedroom."



You almost never use the stairs.


19/10/09
"==>"



You TRANSPORTALIZE upstairs. Just above is your room.


20/10/09
"Jade: Ascend."



You enter your bedroom. On this side of the room you are immediately confronted with numerous artifacts highlighting your various INTERESTS.


20/10/09
"==>"



You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL. You have a profound zeal for marvelous and fantastical FAUNA OF AN ANTHROPOMORPHOLOGICAL PERSUASION. You have an uncanny knack for NUCLEAR PHYSICS, and not infrequently can be found dabbling in RATHER ADVANCED GADGETRY. You enjoy sporadic fits of NARCOLEPSY; your love of GARDENING transcends the glass confines of your ATRIUM; and you are at times prone to patterns of PRECOGNITIVE PROGNOSTICATION.

You consider very briefly the question: What will you do?

But you quickly realize this is only one half of your room, and is therefore host to only half of your INTERESTS to choose from.


20/10/09
"Jade: Explore the other half of your room!"



Over here there are yet more articles of your aforementioned INTERESTS, and then some.

Additional telltale signs of your enthusiasm for NOSTALGIC TELEVISION mingle with your assortment of GAME HUNTING FIREARMS. You are a SKILLED MARKSWOMAN, though your cross-hairs would never settle on an innocent creature, ANTHROPOMORPHICALLY PERSUADED OR OTHERWISE.

Your worktable is littered with equipment to facilitate your tinkering. For you, experimentation is not a particularly exact science, and you lean heavily on SHARP INTUITION for consistently and eerily optimal results. Nevertheless, you have still not been able to get that broad, flat gizmo there to work, which is a design you have borrowed from one of your GRANDPA'S more mysterious inventions.

You are a great admirer of his, and you are not alone. Your grandfather is a WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE. He has taught you everything you know.

But in spite of all his lessons, it is still difficult to escape his stern lectures when you are on the way out of the house to run your errands. He spends most of his time in the GRAND FOYER, stewing in his own intensity and charisma.


20/10/09
"==>"



And today will likely be no exception. Among the errands you have planned is to venture out to find your pet and best friend named BECQUEREL. This animal must be fed and he will not be happy if he is not. And if he is not happy then you will not be happy.

But first you really should dig out your COMPUTER and say hi to John!

NOW...

What will you do?


21/10/09
"Jade: Quickly retrieve firearms from wall."



You equip your trusty HUNTING RIFLE. There would be hell to pay if grandad caught you leaving the house without it.


21/10/09
"Jade: Wonder why the design on your shirt changed."



There isn't much to wonder, really. You left the WARDROBIFIER on its randomization setting.


21/10/09
"==>"



You may contemplate which shirt design you favor the most and commit to that setting in the near future.


21/10/09
"Jade: Captchalogue nearest Squiddles doll and hug it."



Just before you can grab one, the powerful ELECTROMAGNETS concealed in their underbellies become activated, and two of them get all tangled up with each other playfully.


21/10/09
"==>"



You captchalogue the TANGLE BUDDIES.


22/10/09
"Jade: Lose interest in fauna and never speak of it again."



Oh, but you could NEVER do that.

What marvelous creatures they are. What a daring dream, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom. How you wish you could know their world. To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up your stairs. A low but friendly growl unsettles your slumber, and as the sopor seeps from your eyes they detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight. A mysterious wolven tongue invites. Wouldn't these ears suit you? Would not this proud long snout assist you in the hunt?

No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane as a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal tow. It now drives you through the midnight brush, your paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation. But not for long, as you and your new friend must claim the night with piercing howls moonward.

You eat a weird bug and don't even care.


22/10/09
"Jade: Pick up your toys!"



Speaking of which, you pick up and admire one of your MANTHRO CHAPS. They are wonderful friends and are always cheerful and pleasant fellows.

Why dear Mr. Coxcomb, how ever will you be received at the BARNYARD GALA without the trappings of a proper gentleman?

Each MANTHRO CHAP comes with a number of accessories, including articles of FORMAL ATTIRE, a VACCINATION KIT, and a DISHWASHER-SAFE SLOP TROUGH.


22/10/09
"Jade: Organize all your dolls."



You gather all your dolls into a rather cozy looking pile.


22/10/09
"Jade: Change wardrobifier setting."



You deactivate the WARDROBIFIER'S randomization mode and set it to cycle through these three shirt designs.

The decision was tough, but you think you came to the best possible conclusion.


23/10/09
"Jade: Look out window."



It is another beautiful day in your neighborhood. It is peaceful and quiet as usual. A rather imposing VOLCANO looms over your house, which has been inactive for centuries.

Though dormant on the surface, the volcanic activity deep underground provides your house with a source of GEOTHERMAL POWER. You are not sure why your grandfather decided to draw from this source of energy when he had the UNLIMITED POWER OF THE ATOM at his disposal. But it has been this way for as long as you can remember.

You have chalked it up to your family's longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits wait you mean pursuits.


23/10/09
"Jade: Retrieve fursuit from magic chest."



What is this nonsense about fursuits!!! You do not own a fursuit. You think ANTHROPOMORPHIC FAUNA are really cute and enchanting and all, but it has never occurred to you to dress as one. Sure, it is fun to imagine what it would be like to run wild with a pack of wolves, or purr and frolic with a litter of kittens, but dressing up as an animal just seems ridiculous. It would still just be a silly girl draped in a raggedy synthetic tufty piece of crap, and seriously who are you trying to kid with that sort of baloney!

Anyway it is not a MAGIC CHEST, it it your GADGET CHEST, which you have adapted for storing a number of USEFUL GIZMOS. It was once your ORACLE'S TRUNK, a gift from your grandfather of course, and still contains many silly FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS, all of which are completely bogus.


23/10/09
"Jade: Open chest."



Among the FORTUNE TELLING KNICKKNACKS are these items: a CRYSTAL BALL plus compulsory VELVET PILLOW, a TAROT DECK, a MAGIC 8 BALL, a MAGIC CUE BALL, and one of your favorite books of all time, PROBLEM SOOTH.

Among the USEFUL GIZMOS are of course your COMPUTER, which you keep inside a FUN LUNCHBOX for easy transport, and a couple of gizmos you keep handy so you don't always have to make the long trip to the kitchen. There is a COOKALIZER for preparing delicious meals, and a REFRIGERATOR, a name which clearly is a wacky variation on the much more common household item, the REFRIGIFYIFICATOR.


24/10/09
"Jade: Examine magic 8-ball and magic cue ball."



These things are stupid and useless!

When the MAGIC 8 BALL isn't being frustratingly ambiguous, its forecast is always wrong! You have tested it numerous times with certain facts you know to be true. This is its reply when you ask if it is your friend John's birthday today. See? Stupid!

You guess maybe it could be used as a reverse-prediction device, and always trust the opposite of what it says. But that seems dumb to you. And anyway, the thing gives you a bad vibe. You might consider smashing it, but you are a little superstitious about whatever ominous consequences that might have, even if the occult talisman in question is a cheap piece of garbage.


24/10/09
"==>"



The MAGIC CUE BALL on the other hand is said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacks a portal on its surface that allows you to view the prediction.

You put both of these pieces of junk back in the box.


24/10/09
"Jade: Captchalogue refrigerator."



You take the REFRIGERATOR.

You might as well grab the COOKALIZER too. No portable kitchen is complete without it.

You take your LUNCHTOP too, because obviously you're going to be using that pretty soon.

Whoops, there goes your FLUTE. But who cares.


24/10/09
"Jade: Feed your friend."



Before you go out to feed BEC, you will need to prepare a meal for him.

You clear some space on your work table so you can set up your REFRIGERATOR and COOKALIZER.


24/10/09
"==>"



Just for fun, Jade allows you to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos. It doesn't present much of a challenge for her, so she figures she might as well step aside, while providing a few generous hints.

No, no... warmer. Warmer. Cooler. Cooler.

COLD.

Warmer...

Yes. NO. Cold. ICE COLD.

Warmer. Warmer...


24/10/09
"==>"



You have selected the KEY LIME.

Way to go.


24/10/09
"Try again."



HOT. Wait...

No. Cold. Really cold. FROZEN FUCKING TUNDRA.


24/10/09
"Take another crack at this."



Congratulations, you advance your matching skill to the new level: YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE.

Jade is beginning to regret breaking the fourth wall for this ill advised escapade.


24/10/09
"Ok, one more time."



If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive Flash application.

Look at all these fruits on the loose. Good luck trying to settle them down.


24/10/09
"==>"



You just deploy the gadgets yourself.


24/10/09
"Jade: Stick fruits in the refrigerator to keep them fresh."



These fruits are unlikely to become less impudent any time soon regardless of where they are stored, but you stick them in anyway.


24/10/09
"==>"



You take a look at the REFRIGERATOR'S rotary interface. You wonder what he is in the mood for today?


24/10/09
"Jade: Press the steak button."



Ok, well it's a rotary dial so there are no buttons to press, but whatever that doesn't really matter.

You dial up a thick T-BONE STEAK, which you are sure Becquerel is in the mood for because he is in the mood for steak every day and is never in the mood for anything else.

But he does like his steak well cooked.


24/10/09
"==>"






24/10/09
"Jade: Lightly irradiate steak."



He does prefer his steak rare after all.

But you will not dignify the thought of turning the knob much further because you are not retarded.


24/10/09
"==>"



You captchalogue the IRRADIATED STEAK and save it for your trip outside.

You probably shouldn't waste much more time. You wouldn't want all those nice depleted steak isotopes to settle down.


27/10/09
"Jade: Examine the atomic bass by your bed."



You wouldn't exactly call it an atomic bass, but it is heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited.

You've tuned the strings way down of course because your stumpy arms can't reach the low notes.


27/10/09
"==>"



You switch your ECLECTIC BASS to its advanced setting.

But you promptly switch it back, since obviously it's too complicated to play it in person like this. The default setting is your preferred mode for casual jamming.

And since you can't possibly waste enough time playing music, casually jam is exactly what you're gonna do.


27/10/09
"[S] Jade: Play a hauntingly relaxing bassline."






27/10/09
"Jade: Captchalogue bass."



You take the PORTABLE AMP from the WALL SOCKET too.


27/10/09
"Jade: Open lunchtop."



You like to make yourself comfy in your plushy pile before getting down to business with your computer.


28/10/09
"Jade: Get down to business."






29/10/09
"Jade: Activate Pesterchum."



Hey look, John is online! Hooray!

Also it looks like Dave pestered you about something yesterday but you missed it.


30/10/09
"Jade: Pester John."



You greet John but he does not respond. He is undoubtedly gallivanting around his house in a state of barely restrained birthday mirth. He may also be retrieving the two packages and the two envelopes which you are certain came in the mail for him earlier.

You will wait a little while and see if he returns before you head out.


30/10/09
"Jade: See if Dave left you a sweet new rap."



It does not appear so, but you just never know with that crazy and cool guy.

Sooooo cooooooool.


30/10/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 2009-04-12 -- 23:14

TG: hey
TG: oh
TG: youre asleep again arent you
TG: or do you even know if you are
TG: i still dont know how that works
TG: its like nothing means anything
TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time
TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage
TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton
TG: assitant director of chumpography
TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway
TG: wait weak
TG: chumpelstiltskin
TG: uh
TG: chumpeldipshit
TG: yeah
TG: youre asleep y/n?
TG: a/s/l?
TG: s = species
TG: baboon?
TG: kangaroo rat?
TG: if kangaroo rat yiff twice plz
TG: ok well youre not saying anything so i guess whether youre nonawake or unasleep or whatever youre just not around and im wasting good material
TG: even worse im wasting a killer fursona here
TG: like
TG: i dont know like a wide open v shaped leotard and a fuck ton of body paint
TG: some like sinewy back arching cirque du soleil looking motherfucker
TG: always low to the ground gettin a good prowl on
TG: like i dropped my keys in the dark
TG: nimblest son of a bitch who had the gumption to glue a nasty pair of latex cat lips to his face
TG: for a reason that wasnt a joke
TG: jade hey
TG: where are you
TG: seriously im sitting here tonight with a fucking bag of kibble jacked open on my lap and primed for goddamn bear
TG: and youre gone
TG: btw my name is Akwete Purrmusk
TG: hardest buttock in the jungle
TG: tempered steel
TG: hey yeah just wanted to give you this remix i finished
TG: here
turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] file "explore remix.mp3"
TG: so yeah
TG: you dont have to respond to any of that btw
TG: ill probably forget half the shit i said anyway
TG: talk to you tomorrow


31/10/09
"[S] Jade: Open FreshJamz!"



You open the FRESHJAMZ MEDIA PLAYER and add Dave's remix to the playlist.


02/11/09
"Jade: Open Echidna and go to mspaintadventures.com"



You open your web browser and visit MSPA.

You navigate to a random page in the middle of the latest epic.

Looks like he was just finishing up some sort of weird tangential intermission here. Whatever it was, it clearly advanced the plot in no relevant way whatsoever.


02/11/09
"END INTERMISSION."






02/11/09
"[S] MIDNIGHT CREW: ACT 1031"






02/11/09
"==>"



You've killed a little time, but still no sign of John.


02/11/09
"Jade: Pester Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2009-04-13 -- 12:36

GG: hi dave!!
TG: hey sup
GG: not much sup with you!!
GG: bro! hehehe
TG: haha
TG: good one
TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes
GG: great! feeling cool today?
GG: mr cool guy?
TG: oh man you know it
GG: sooooo cooooooool!!!
TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here
TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you
GG: :D
GG: so have you talked to john today???
TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex
TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous
GG: lol
GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!
TG: what was it you use again...
TG: wait nm
TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john
GG: :)
GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!
TG: oh yeah
TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet
GG: i think it did!
TG: yeah?
GG: and i think mine came too
TG: so uh
TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?
GG: no!!!!!!!
GG: he will not open it
GG: he will lose it!!!
TG: oh
TG: uh
TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?
GG: no its good actually!
GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it
GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!
TG: see like
TG: i never get how you know these things
GG: i dont know
GG: i just know that i know!
TG: hmm alright
GG: anyway i have to go!
GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking
TG: man
TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off
GG: heheheh!
GG: i dont think i could if i tried!!!
TG: yeah
TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok
GG: ._.
GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain
GG: it is usually........
GG: intense!!!
TG: well yeah isnt it always with family
TG: but he sounds like a total badass
GG: yeah he totally is!!!
GG: anyway gotta go!
TG: see ya
GG: <3


06/11/09
"[S] Dave: STRIFE."






06/11/09
"==>"



Rose is online.


06/11/09
"Jade: Pester Rose."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.
TT: Do you know where I can find a wellspring of this sort?
GG: hahaha yes ok but we cant talk for long!!!
TT: You have plans?
GG: well yes i do but its just that you will lose your internet connection soon!!!!!
GG: and we wont talk again for a pretty long time
GG: not until you enter!
TT: Enter?
GG: yeah!
TT: This is what I was talking about.
TT: This was the itch that needed scratching.
TT: My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless.
GG: lol what did you want to know?
TT: You've been insisting today was the big day.
TT: We would all play a game you didn't know the name of.
TT: A game you said I'd get in the mail, and did.
TT: One that would help me answer some questions.
TT: But Strider is being obtuse, I can't catch John at his computer, you don't even have the game yourself, and on top of all that, my internet is unstable.
TT: So are you sure today is the day?
GG: there sure are a lot of challenges but yes i am sure!!
GG: dave is cool, you know he will come around when the time is right
GG: he just has a lot of work to do first
GG: and so do you!
GG: youll need to keep searching for a stable signal and power source, it will be hard but dont give up!!!
GG: and dont worry about me either, focus on playing with john first
GG: it all starts with you two!
TT: Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this?
TT: I'm sure you think little of blithely upsetting dark forces with Grandpa Moreau over there on Hellmurder Island, but honestly I've only read a few books on it.
GG: haha dark? thats ridiculous!
GG: i dont really know what to tell you other than its not going to be what you think it is
GG: and most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you havent thought to ask yet!
GG: just be patient and be brave youll see
GG: it will be fun!!!!!!
GG: uh oh looks like youve got to go
GG: take care rose! <3<3<3

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:54 --


06/11/09
"Jade: Be the other girl."



You are now the other girl several hours in the future.

It appears a secret passage in the mausoleum has been opened.

It's getting awfully toasty in here. You gather up your belongings, including your dead cat.


06/11/09
"Rose: Descend."






06/11/09
"Jade: Stop being the other girl and pester John again."



You've spent enough time for now concerning yourself with the future of your friends.

John will not be available until later. By then he will have his hands full, as will you.


06/11/09
"==>"



You pack up your LUNCHTOP and get ready to take care of some business downstairs.


08/11/09
"[S] Jade: Descend."



Try as you might, you can't stop your mind from drifting to the fate of your friends. You dwell on a particular configuration of REMINDERS on your finger.


09/11/09
"Also in the future..."



But years, not hours...

Under bare white branches a sentry wakens.


09/11/09
"==>"



PUNCH CARD CALCULATOR

[By Gankro]


09/11/09
"==>"






09/11/09
"==>"



You enter the LABORATORY.


09/11/09
"Rose: Look for mad scientists."



There are no scientists to be found, mad or otherwise. Or anyone for that matter. The lab appears to be deserted.

There is a KIOSK though.


09/11/09
"==>"






09/11/09
"==>"



It looks like the kiosk monitors the lab's enormous HUBGRID.


10/11/09
"Jade: Transportalize as far down as you can go."



This is as far down as you can go.

The GRAND FOYER is still a few floors down, but the TRANSPORTALIZER on that level is blocked by one of GRANDPA'S impressive BIG GAME TROPHIES, and you just don't think he would cotton to someone moving it.

Speaking of which, here are some of his TROPHIES now. He has a million of these ghastly things. You really dislike them.


10/11/09
"Jade: Proceed."



You hop down a level.

Granddad also likes to accumulate VALIANT KNIGHTS from his travels. These are pretty cool, you guess.


10/11/09
"Jade: Keep going."



Oh yeah. How could you forget about his stash of DECREPIT MUMMIES.

God you hate these things.


11/11/09
"Jade: Don't stop."






11/11/09
"==>"



This is your grandfather's collection of what he refers to as his BEAUTIES. No lovely lady will be fit for his collection unless her portrait has spent at least 20 years bleaching in the front window of a beauty parlor, a sort of establishment he's plundered no less frequently than ancient tombs.

You guess they were sort of like your sisters while growing up, and you were always encouraged to look up to them. They are all awfully pretty ladies you suppose, but it was always hard to get as excited about them as grandpa.

"Jade, study hard and keep your rifle at the ready. When adventure summons, I know you will rise to the task and take your rightful place among the DAUGHTERS OF ECLECTICA."

That old coot sure is a bag of wind!


11/11/09
"Jade: Complete your descent."






11/11/09
"==>"



You reach the ground level. This is the stupid thing blocking the transportalizer. It is unspeakably hideous.

Down the southeast hall is the GRAND FOYER. You'll have to cross through it to leave the house.


11/11/09
"==>"



Looks like someone's pestering you.

Even though you thought you logged off... ?


11/11/09
"Jade: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:04

CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.
GG: oh nooooooo
CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.
GG: >:O
CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?
GG: you can leave me alone!!!!!
GG: how can you even be talking to me after i blocked you....
GG: AND after i logged out????
CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT I AM BETTER AND SMARTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER.
CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID.
GG: i get that youre a jerk and you should shut up!
GG: goodbye you jerk!!!!!!!!!

gardenGnostic [GG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:06


11/11/09
"Rose: Look at that kiosk."



Looks like a mapping of each hub's index.

It appears one of the hubs was recently unlocked.


11/11/09
"Rose: Go to the center and do a goofy dance."



At the center, you find a little stage that looks perfect for supporting a spectacularly silly dance. Or it would if standing on it didn't make you a little nervous, and also if that didn't sound like a retarded idea given the circumstances.

It looks sort of like the various contraptions you've been deploying in John's house. You wonder what it does?


12/11/09
"Rose: Attempt to plug laptop into nearby hub."






12/11/09
"==>"



Great, you just vaporized your dead cat. Oh well. Ashes to ashes you guess.

There's got to be a better way to deal with this lousy tree.


12/11/09
"Rose: Examine fetch modus."



Looks like you can choose between picking leaves, or awkwardly uprooting the whole tree, as you've been doing.

You select LEAF. You also turn off AUTO-BALANCE, since its consequences can be a little mystifying sometimes.


12/11/09
"==>"



You gather up all your items again in an order that places your LAPTOP in a conveniently accessible leaf. You're not sure why you didn't do this a lot sooner.

Kind of a funny looking tree now, but your concern for structural elegance is at an all time low.


12/11/09
"Rose: Find the unlocked hub."



As long as you're going to plug in your computer, you might as well find that hub.

Here it is. HUB SN_LAB0413. It is unlocked, and thus removable from the grid.

You suspect this was the same beacon transmitting the unsecured signal you were using earlier.


12/11/09
"==>"



You pick the LAPTOP leaf from the tree.


12/11/09
"==>"



You plug your LAPTOP into the HUB, then captchalogue the HUB and then the LAPTOP.

There must be a better place around here to set up your computer. This huge grid of electronics is sort of uninviting. You look around.

Hey, what's that?


12/11/09
"==>"



It's another one of these ominous countdowns. You didn't notice it when you first entered the lab about a minute ago. It looks like this one may have been ticking for years.

Whatever it's ticking down to, there isn't much time. You can only hope that when you turn on your computer again, there will be a connection invitation from one Mr. Strider.


13/11/09
"Again in the future..."



Another timer winds down, sideways.


17/11/09
"[S] Dave: Abscond."






18/11/09
"IT KEEPS HAPPENING"



What does?

You don't have time to humor every random thought that pops into your head. The clock is ticking.


18/11/09
"Rose: Look around for anything else of importance."



This looks like something of importance.


18/11/09
"==>"



It appears to be Skaianet's primary SESSION TERMINAL, monitoring a great number of SBURB SESSIONS in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada. Upon further investigation you draw some logical conclusions.

It looks like each SESSION consists of an IP address and a physical location. The colored dots on the map appear to be METEOR IMPACT SITES. It seems each session corresponds with a meteor, but not all meteors have sessions.

The color of the dot appears to indicate the status of the meteor's descent. The red dots indicate meteors that have already landed. Yellow dots are imminent collisions. Green will impact later, and blue will take the longest to touch down.


18/11/09
"==>"



You use the panel to center on your present location and zoom in. Surrounding the lab are of course the hundreds of smaller meteors that have been raining down steadily throughout the evening. Most of these meteor(ite)s have either landed already, or will shortly.

Centered over the lab is a significantly larger imminent collision. You can't say precisely how imminent, but you could certainly take an educated stab at it.

Just southwest of the lab, centered suspiciously near the location of your house, is an even larger looming collision. Though this one appears slightly less imminent.

The terminal looks like it can monitor any meteor or session around the world. Search filters can be applied as well, restricting results based on size, time of impact, location, and so on.


18/11/09
"==>"



You zoom way out and narrow the search based on size. The two at the top of the list appear to be the biggest by far. You examine only their coordinates.

The second biggest is centered over a U.S. city. The biggest by a landslide is, luckily for the Earth you suppose, way out in the middle of the Pacific ocean.


20/11/09
"Rose: Turn on your laptop and check on John."



You plug the laptop into the hub again and turn it on. It is now powered and connected to the wireless signal the hub is broadcasting.

Your Sburb session reconnects.


20/11/09
"==>"



No sign of John here. You wonder why the house is shaking.

Last time you saw him he was on one of the roof platforms. You will have to navigate via the Sburb interface to find him.


20/11/09
"[S] Rose: Ascend."






21/11/09
"John: High-five Nannaquin."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Good work, John!
EB: oh, hey!
EB: you're back.
TT: For now. I'll have to leave again shortly.
TT: It looks like there's another large meteor headed for...
TT: My present location.
EB: oh, so you mean dave connected with you?
TT: Not yet.
TT: I'll explain later.
TT: But I think I've determined that activating the timer in the game is not directly responsible for summoning a meteor to your location.
TT: The countdown seems merely to exist as a kind of warning to the player.
TT: As well as a strange coincidence.
EB: um, ok.
EB: i don't really think i get it.
EB: is this relevant?
TT: Probably not at the moment. And certainly not to you.
TT: I have to go.
EB: ok, later!
TT: P.S. Try not to waste too much of that grist while I'm gone.


21/11/09
"John: Climb that echeladder."



You rocket up the ECHELADDER to the dizzying heights of the vaunted BOY-SKYLARK rung!!! Your new feather is hard earned and well deserved. And alarmingly fashionable.


21/11/09
"John: Collect phat lewtz."



You and your CERAMIC PORKHOLLOW rejoice in the mound of wealth yielded from your meteoric ascent up the ladder.

You are still not sure what all these BOONDOLLARS can actually get you. But when pulling in such insane loot hand over fist like this, who cares?

Not you.


21/11/09
"John: Pick up as much grist as you can hold."



Your expanded CACHE LIMIT is more than enough to accommodate the grist windfall.

You gather up 2260 pieces of BUILD GRIST, 1040 pieces of SHALE, 490 drops of TAR, and 350 drops of MERCURY.

You can't wait to find out what amazing items this new supply of grist will be just barely insufficient to produce.


21/11/09
"==>"



Oh god, there's grist littered down there too. Those stupid ogres were like huge grist pinatas.

One of those big SOUR GRAPE ELECTRIC HOLOCAUST FRUIT GUSHERS is jammed in the hole in the platform. You guess there's only one way to get it.


21/11/09
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
NANNASPRITE: John, don't forget your book!
NANNASPRITE: It is your birthright! You ought to give it a read when you have a moment. Particularly the first several pages!
JOHN: ok nanna, i will.
JOHN: hey, nanna?
NANNASPRITE: Yes, dear?
JOHN: since i am trying to get up to that gate, and since you can sort of conjure floating beds and throw me around and all...
JOHN: couldn't you just throw me up to the gate?
NANNASPRITE: Yes, of course, John!
NANNASPRITE: But that would not serve your purpose well!
NANNASPRITE: There is a very good reason why you should build up to it. And then keep building!
JOHN: oh, ok, i guess that's what i figured.
JOHN: so just one more thing...
JOHN: do you think that instead of telling me exactly why that is with a clear explanation, you can give me a series of really coy riddles about it and then sort of giggle?
NANNASPRITE: John, you are a very fresh young man!
NANNASPRITE: Your father has done such a wonderful job raising you. I am so proud of you both.
JOHN: ha ha, i guess.
NANNASPRITE: When you pass through the first gate, everything will change. You will find the place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds. And then your true work may begin.
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
JOHN: i suddenly understand everything!


21/11/09
"Elsewhere, we find a place..."



Where a kingdom lies entrenched beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness.


21/11/09
"==>"






21/11/09
"==>"






21/11/09
"==>"






21/11/09
"==>"






21/11/09
"==>"



Graveyard stuffers.


22/11/09
"You are now..."



The Peregrine Mendicant.

You are flying westward in your peculiar mobile station. You have no sense of your bearings presently. The door is blocked by a metal column which extended through the entry shaft before liftoff.

What will you do?


22/11/09
"PM: Check mail."



This message to Dr. Brinner looks pretty serious.


22/11/09
"PM: Open envelope."



NEVER.

The mail is sacred, and sacred is the trust between the Post Man and the recipients of his precious parcels. You have made a solemn pledge to deliver this letter to the doctor, just as soon as you determine where this address is, or find any sort of discernible mailing address in this wasteland, for that matter. The mail is freedom. The mail is life. The mail is the very fabric of civiliz...

Wait.

Hold that thought for one moment...


22/11/09
"==>"






22/11/09
"==>"



The mail is the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers are the brave soldiers of God in this righteous crusade. They are the defenders of the light of knowledge, free communication, and the exchange of ideas. They are the bold toters of all those little papery conduits of freedom, the white postmarked angels that whisper a message on their deliverance, a promise to the yearning: "There is hope yet."

Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection.

MAIL.



22/11/09
"PM: Examine keyboard and screen."



It's the terminal you used to activate the station's homing mechanism. It looks like it has now returned control to you.

The default viewport displays commands previously entered, including your last and only command "=> HOME".


22/11/09
"PM: Type => VIEW"



You type another one of the previously entered commands. It switches to the view of a young girl standing alone somewhere. There is a heavy amount of video interference of some sort.

The girl seems familiar to you.


22/11/09
"Greetings."






22/11/09
"Don't I know you?"






22/11/09
"==>"






22/11/09
"==>"






23/11/09
"==>"






23/11/09
"Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd tea set."



You successfully disregard the TEA SET because it's stupid and shouldn't be in a place like this. You probe further into the lab.


23/11/09
"==>"



Looks like a little girl's room. This all strikes you as a bit odd.

No time for messing around in here though.


23/11/09
"Rose: Wear the scarf. Be the Rider."



Ok, maybe you'll do a LITTLE messing around. You are only human after aAUGH WHAT'S THAT


23/11/09
"==>"



You are accosted by a friendly MUTANT KITTEN.


24/11/09
"John: Resist great urge to take the wedged shale."



You know you should grab this thing, but...


24/11/09
"==>"



You are suddenly feeling apprehensive about entering your father's room. With all the scamperin' around it almost slipped your mind how much you hate his hideous clowns.

No use putting it off any longer. There is only one thing left to do.

Give me a 'D'.

Give me an 'E'.

Give me an 'S'.

Give me a 'C'...


24/11/09
"John: Jump down."






24/11/09
"==>"






24/11/09
"Jade: Scamper into grand foyer with wild abandon."



You scamper your heart out and bump into something. You don't know why he always insists on keeping it so dark in here.

Oh look, it was one of his dumb GLOBES. These things make it awfully difficult to navigate the foyer. We get it, granddad. You like to travel around the world going on adventures and stuff!

Lousy goddamn stupid globes.


24/11/09
"Jade: Arm yourself."



GRANDPA will surely have stern words for you if he catches you without your trusty RIFLE at the ready. That's just what you need, another one of his blustering mustachioed diatribes. You are rolling your eyes in advance, getting them warmed up.

But ideally you can evade him altogether. All you have to do is get past the FIREPLACE and out the front door, and you will be scot-free.


25/11/09
"Jade: Examine those chaps on the sofa."



These are the manor's four DISTINGUISHED HOUSEGUESTS. They like to gather here by the FIREPLACE for TEA TIME. As well as pretty much all other times. It's all very mannerly and civilized.

You know exactly what's going to happen when you try to sneak by. The FIREPLACE is going to light up and your GRANDPA'S silhouette is going to appear in front of the fire to give you a good spook. He is so predictable.


25/11/09
"==>"






25/11/09
"==>"



You suppose you could still manage to sneak by the crafty old man if you are fast enough. Avoiding an encounter would be ideal.

Encounters with him are usually........

Intense.


27/11/09
"Jade: Leap dramatically across the divide."



WHOOPS.

You guess an encounter with him is almost certain now.

But most likely not for a while. Time to see what someone else is up to.

Oh, let's say... Dave.


27/11/09
"[S] Strife!!!"






27/11/09
"==>"



YES i am going out with this gun!!! no i will not go get a bigger one!!! no i will not take yours! I can't even lift it!!!!!! oh that is so preposterous. do you even hear what youre saying? i will be fine! this is a perfectly deadly gun and it shoots lots of incredibly deadly bullets! oh will you just stop it. i am going now. Goodbye!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



27/11/09
"Jade: Abscond!"



He was so much easier to deal with when he was alive.


28/11/09
"PM: Miraculously survive."






28/11/09
"PM: Peer out explosion hole."






28/11/09
"==>"






28/11/09
"==>"






28/11/09
"==>"






28/11/09
"Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd kitten."



You fail miserably.

Oh look, there's some more mad science crap over here.


29/11/09
"Rose: Insert coin."



This weird arcade gizmo adapted to this setup obviously doesn't take coins anymore, assuming it ever did.

Besides, you left all your coins on the fridge, remember?


29/11/09
"Rose: Let's play a game."



This doesn't appear to be a game.

It appears to be an APPEARIFIER.


29/11/09
"Rose: Screw around with the appearifier."



You mess with the controls...

Hey, Jaspers is alive!!!

Or, at least he was in the past. According to the time-stamp this was almost nine years ago.

You try to move the crosshairs with the joystick, but it seems to be permanently locked on a specific target. You might be able to unlock it, but you clearly don't have much time to horse around with this thing.


29/11/09
"==>"



You zoom out.

It looks like you and Jaspers were having one of your sessions. You weren't making a lot of progress though, because Jaspers was no doubt being characteristically recalcitrant. You possibly jotted this phrase down in your pad. It's hard to remember though.

Wait...

Could this be THAT day??


29/11/09
"Rose: Cause time paradox."



You attempt to appearify Jaspers. This would surely cause a time paradox, because you can plainly see that he has not told you his SECRET yet.

But it seems the machine has a safety mechanism to prevent such irresponsible appearification practices.


29/11/09
"==>"



The PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of Jaspers appearifies instead, and quickly settles into a mound of sludge.


29/11/09
"==>"



The machine beside it sucks up the paradox sludge and begins some kind of automated procedure.

It seems whatever sort of primordial biochemical properties the sludge possesses is being evaluated by the device.


29/11/09
"==>"



The device generates a fetal PARADOX CLONE of Jaspers.

The wretched creature exhibits a number of unfortunate mutations though. The good news is that it will be mercifully UNESTABLISHED along with this facility shortly. This is also the bad news.

Whoever was operating this machine in the past may have been making unsuccessful attempts to perfect the science of ECTOBIOLOGY.


29/11/09
"Rose: Have a flashback."



There is no need for a flashback. Conveniently, you can watch what happened right here on the monitor.

You roll the clock forward a few seconds. Jaspers reveals his stunning SECRET to you in strict confidence.


29/11/09
"==>"



Before you could ask him to clarify, he vanished into thin air. You now believe you understand why.

However, you were not the one to appearify him from this moment. Your hand was nowhere near the controls just now.

A couple weeks after he vanished, his body washed up along the riverbank. His suit was a mess. Your mother fitted him with a new one just before the absurd funeral service she insisted upon.


30/11/09
"Rose: Trace Jaspers' whereabouts on the machine."



You roll the clock forward to a week after he vanished. It seems there is no accessible feed tracing his whereabouts during that timeframe.

You fast forward another week. There he is, just as you found him.


30/11/09
"[S] Rose: Fast forward to now."






30/11/09
"==>"



IT'S JASPERS. HE'S ALIVE.

Well ok, he's still dead. But his body is intact. Turns out it wasn't some kind of DISINTEGRATIFICATOR like you thought.

It's more like...

AN ESCAPILIZER.


30/11/09
"Rose: Appearify Jaspers immediately."



Good thing you finally got all this sorted out. You only have 10 seconds to spare.

Time to stash the dead cat and amscray.


30/11/09
"Rose: Stop fooling around and transportalize out of there!"






01/12/09
"Jade: Locate and feed the devilbeast you call a pet."



Good luck finding him! If he wants to be found, he will find you.

Becquerel has always managed to elude your prognosticative faculties. He is completely invisible to your intuition somehow, a property almost totally unique to him.

It used to freak you out a little, but you have long since grown accustomed to it.


01/12/09
"==>"






01/12/09
"==>"



HUH???

Oh, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Moving right along.


01/12/09
"Jade: Retrieve the package you expected to arrive."



The birthday package you were expecting from John arrived months late. And yet, right on time.

It landed over there past the crumbling monument, a satellite to the great MYSTIC RUINS at the center of the CRATER LAGOON.


02/12/09
"John: Triple somersault into room, etc. Stick the landing."



Ok, you do that. You are now in your DAD'S room.

Hmm... Where are all the clowns?

You spot your DAD'S BRIEFCASE beside you. It probably contains all sorts of clues, or at least various forms and paperwork critical to his trade as a hilarious street performer.


02/12/09
"John: Snoop."



Aw yeah, here come the secrets. Get ready for some MAJOR revela...

Wait a minute. These are just boring business documents and spreadsheets.

What the hell is going on here???


02/12/09
"[S] John: Examine your dad's room."






02/12/09
"John: Calm down, it'll be alright."



So all those years, while you believed he was out busking up the corners with hilarious antics, he was working as an ordinary business man all along. He was just a man trying to make a good honest living for his son. Maybe he was too embarrassed to tell you the truth? Or maybe it was just that you'd never bothered to ask?

You guess you always just assumed...


03/12/09
"==>"



The human prisoner has broken out of his jail cell yet again. Attempts to block the cell door with heavy objects have proven futile.


03/12/09
"==>"



You're going to need a bigger safe.


03/12/09
"==>"



Who's this guy?


03/12/09
"Enter name."



Spades Slick?

Got a nice ring to it.

But you know your own name. And that damn well ain't your name.


03/12/09
"Take another stab at it."



Ok.


03/12/09
"State name and rank."



You are ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR. You oversee various affairs of a DARK KINGDOM. Presently you are determining how to deal with this prisoner, who has been a thorn in your side since he was apprehended.

You view the affairs of the kingdom through a series of FENESTRATED WALLS. You have three walls, nearly enough to form a CUBICLE OF VIGILANCE, which is a full and proper enclosure for an agent of your stature.

However, much to your utter contempt, your FOURTH WALL was stolen some time ago.


03/12/09
"Jack: Don comical hat."



This frivolous headdress turns your stomach. You'd sooner stick your head in a furnace than coax it into this monstrosity's loathsome colorful maw.

It's bad enough that your EXALTED RULER ordered everyone to drape themselves in these hideous rags the moment the troublesome human with the pipe and his child showed up.

But you draw the line at the hat.


04/12/09
"Jack: Call a minion."



You order one of your burliest agents to the scene. He brings something heavier this time.


04/12/09
"==>"



Your transmission is interrupted.

It seems your GLORIOUS MONARCH has concerns over your wardrobe.


04/12/09
"==>"



FINE.

You begrudgingly don the COMICAL HAT.

Stupid lousy WISE AND JUST LEADER. What a royal pain in the ass.


04/12/09
"Jack: Throw down hat in disgust."



You fully intend to once your superior stops breathing down your neck for a second.

Wait...

What now?


04/12/09
"==>"






04/12/09
"==>"



Your blood is boiling so hot you could cook an egg on your carapace.

Looks like you'll have to go handle this yourself.


04/12/09
"John: Investigate room for anything dad may have left behind"



It seems there are some unopened BIRTHDAY PRESENTS which DAD didn't get around to giving you yet.


04/12/09
"John: Present time! Open a present see what's inside!"



The one on the right seems promising.

You open it to see what is inside and oh god yes.


04/12/09
"John: Obtain SW33TL00T."



You tear into this thing and put a mean peep on the sw33tloot.

In addition to the MODUS CONTROL DECK, you got a bonus ARRAY FETCH MODUS. Plus another 12 cards, which are practically worthless by this point, but hey you'll take 'em.


04/12/09
"==>"



First thing you do is flush the extra cards into your deck.

Ok really this is just way too many cards.


04/12/09
"John: Equip array fetch modus."



The ARRAY MODUS allows you to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time. It seems exceptionally serviceable, albeit difficult to weaponize.

BOOOOOOOORING.


04/12/09
"John: Read instructions for control deck."



There's nothing to read, really. You just pop some MODUS CARTRIDGES in the slots, fire it up, and see what happens.

You start by putting the STACK and QUEUE MODI in the slots.


04/12/09
"==>"



Your sylladex now behaves like both a STACK and a QUEUE. Items can be removed from either the top card or the bottom card.


04/12/09
"==>"



You see no reason at all not to jam the ARRAY CARTRIDGE in there too. You make sure to blow the dust out first of course.

The sylladex reconfigures itself into an ARRAY of distinct QUEUESTACKS.

Now we're talking. This is just the sort of needless complexity you have come to expect from your INVENTORY MANAGEMENT SYSTEM.


04/12/09
"John: Unwrap the smallest present first."



You have a staunch policy of always saving the biggest present for last.

ALWAYS.


04/12/09
"==>"



You receive a box of delicious FRUIT GUSHERS.

Could this birthday get any better? You don't think so.


04/12/09
"John: Open the big one."



You thought wrong.


05/12/09
"John: Fill up an entire queuestack with shoes."



Ok, awesome. Queuestack full'a shoes.


05/12/09
"John: Captchalogue Fruit Gushers."



Dang! You spaced out and put it in the wrong queuestack. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of this thing.


05/12/09
"John: Closely inspect Fruit Gushers box."



So delicious. You can't wait to captchalogue one of these packs and make like a million gushers. Screw all this building nonsense! You'd rather make candy.

Wait a minute...


05/12/09
"==>"



It...

It can't be...


05/12/09
"==>"



THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING.

What do Gushers have to do with baked goods anyway??

How does this make sense???

Why????



WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????????


05/12/09
"[S] John: Mental breakdown."






08/12/09
"[S] Jade: Retrieve package."






08/12/09
"==>"






08/12/09
"==>"






08/12/09
"==>"






09/12/09
"Rose: Check self for any mixed atoms with cat."



Nope, no mixed atoms. Looks like you and the kitty kept your genes to yourselves.

Your new kitty whose name is...

You'll think of one later.

Hey where the heck are you anyway?


09/12/09
"Rose: Look around room."



Oh, you're back home. The well-stocked bar and the vantage from the window tells you this is your MOM'S room. Or at least what you thought was her room.

You decide not to be especially melodramatic about this revelation.


09/12/09
"Rose: Watch the meteor impact."



Huh, that's funny. Shouldn't that place be unestablished by now?

The downpour of smaller meteors has stopped...


09/12/09
"==>"






09/12/09
"==>"



Better get out of here. This room is a powder-keg with all this booze lying around.


09/12/09
"John: Get down to business."



Suddenly you are feeling very businessmanlike for some reason.

You just punched a shitload of cards in anticipation of making a whole lot of cool stuff. This time you didn't foolishly destroy any items. You just looked at the codes for some objects you rounded up, and punched them on blank cards.

You wonder how much alchemizing you can get away with before Rose gets back? As if she's got any right to tell you what to do with your hard earned grist. You're the one running around here putting your ass on the line. All she's got to do is mess around with her computer!

Anyway, you better hurry.


10/12/09
"Jade: Dream."






10/12/09
"==>"






10/12/09
"==>"






10/12/09
"==>"



You are now dreaming.

Your DREAMBOT is awake and active.


11/12/09
"Jade: Obliquely foreshadow future through interpretive dance"



Your silly dance foreshadows nothing and is essentially meaningless.

But it sure is a lot of fun.


11/12/09
"Jade: Quick! Get into bed!"



You climb into bed and try to get comfortable. But some sort of invisible force is pressing down on you, a strange feeling of cold heavy metal.

This happens every time you try to get into bed! No wonder you can never get any sleep.


11/12/09
"Jade: Realize you can fly!"



There is not much to realize.

Of course you can fly.


11/12/09
"Jade: Open the Package."



You stop all this flying around nonsense and examine John's birthday package.


11/12/09
"==>"



Unfortunately you cannot open it yet! This package has an important journey to make first. You are planning on delivering it momentarily.

Good thing you already know what's inside. Otherwise you would surely be consumed by curiosity and suspense. You sincerely pity anyone who might be forced to endure such a fate.


11/12/09
"Months in the past..."



Enough for the above weather to be seasonably reconcilable...


11/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D
GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.
GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.
GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged!
GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!
GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.
GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)
GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!!
GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!
GT: oh man.
GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.
GT: ARGH.
GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!
GT: ok well i hope so.
GG: <3......
GG: uhhhh hold on
GG: ok im back sorry
GG: i had to tell someone to go away!
GT: oh god.
GT: the trolls again?
GG: yup :o
GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.
GT: it seems like there are so many.
GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.
GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!!
GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy
GG: i have counted twelve
GT: what do they want with us!!!
GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john
GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!!
GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.
GG: but i think they are mostly harmless
GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe
GT: oh wow, what? years??
GT: ok, well i am sick of them.
GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off the trail.
GT: so...
GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.


11/12/09
"John: Make totems."



You have already carved a few TOTEMS, but you have had to return to the living room for more CRUXITE DOWELS. Your carving work is not nearly complete.

Every time you reenter your room, you shudder at the recent handiwork of some mischievous imps. You just can't turn your back on them for a second!

Rotten imps. Those posters were like children to you.


11/12/09
"Rose: Flee room."



At long last, you have returned to your bedroom with a stable power supply and internet connection.

VODKA MUTINI purrs at your side.

You SUPPOSE you will call it Mutie for short.


11/12/09
"Rose: Pester John."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: That's quite a totem collection.
TT: What are you planning?
EB: oh whoa hi!
EB: oh...
EB: gonna make some stuff.
EB: are you ok? hasn't your house been on fire for like...
EB: five hours now?
TT: No, that was the nearby forest, which up until quite recently would have been best described as "on fire".
TT: But you may be excited to learn that just as recently, my house finally notched that achievement.
EB: wow, congrats i guess?
TT: Thank you. Have you seen Dave?
EB: nah.
EB: his bro is probably busy kicking his ass.
EB: that's probably all there is to say on the matter.
TT: Ok.
TT: I'm going to start putting this grist to use too.
TT: Let's be sparing with the frivolous knickknack breeding and focus on getting you up to the gate, ok?
EB: yeah, ok i hear you, but...
EB: i think we'll have plenty. i've been killing imps all over the house and now its lousy with gushers.
TT: Gushers?
EB: i mean grist.
EB: serves them right for ruining my posters. the bastards.
TT: Which posters?
EB: don't you see? my sweet movie posters. look at them, they're fucking ruined.
TT: John.
EB: ??????
TT: Are you suggesting that imps are responsible for defacing your movie posters?
EB: uh, YEAH?
TT: Your posters have looked like that ever since I first saw your room.
TT: The moment we started playing this game.
TT: I thought you had defaced them ironically to mock your father's interests.
TT: John?
TT: ...?
EB: VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


11/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: NICE JOKE
EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE
EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK
EB: HE HE
EB: HA HA HA HA HA
TT: This is good.
TT: Laughter is probably the best way to avoid being especially melodramatic about the revelation.
EB: yes
EB: YES
EB: LET'S KEEP THIS JOKE GOING
EB: BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A GOOD ONE
EB: HA HA HA HA
EB: OH MY
EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA
EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA


12/12/09
"==>"






12/12/09
"WV: Descend."



You cannot descend from the top of your mobile station. The loose cable you gathered up and tied together is not yet long enough to allow you to reach the ground safely.

You have used all the cable you can find. You will have to come up with another plan.


12/12/09
"WV: Sacrifice your MAYORAL SASH for more CABLES."



ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY

A MAYOR DOES NOT RELINQUISH HIS MAYORAL SASH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER PERIOD


12/12/09
"WV: Appearify the temple."



That's such a dumb idea. Not as dumb as using your sash, but it comes close. That temple is way too big. You'd probably just end up appearifying a chunk of useless boring rock.


12/12/09
"==>"



Wait, what's that?

There's something dangling from the top of one of the towers near the temple.


12/12/09
"WV: Command Serenity to carry the rope to you."



She is a tiny insect and cannot possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!!!

She does however inform you of what the ledge contains through a series of informative blinks. There is an old rusty HARPOON lodged into the crumbling rock. Tied to it is a bunched-up jumble of HANDY CABLE. This strikes you as convenient! It is almost as if someone knew you would need a bunch of cable, and that you would have a MAYORAL SASH made out of cable, and that you were particularly attached to that MAYORAL SASH and would stubbornly refuse to use it.

Anyone who knew that much would surely possess a special gift! Alas it seems a bit far fetched.


12/12/09
"WV: Get ye rope."



Ok, we just established it was a cable and not a rope, but that's ok.

You take a hasty swig from one of your DELICIOUS PAWNS and put down.

You then quickly adjust the coordinates to appearify the jumble of HANDY CABLE.


12/12/09
"==>"



Uh...


12/12/09
"==>"



Oh, of course. The time wasn't set to the present moment. Somehow it got reset to a few hundred years ago.

It is some sort of present from the past... in the present.

Attached is an envelope. It looks extremely important.


12/12/09
"==>"



You open the envelope. Inside is a letter and another envelope.

This is all highly confusing and you do not know what to make of it.

Still it is obviously critical MAYORAL BUSINESS which you take very seriously and you will defend this package with your life.


14/12/09
"WV: Try to appearify the cable again."



You set the time to the present, and appearify the JUMBLE OF CABLE.


14/12/09
"WV: Take obvious course of action."



You tie all the cable together and carefully lower your precious PUMPKIN BINDLE.

You then rappel down the station with the PACKAGE, which must not leave your side.


14/12/09
"Years in the future..."



Which is to say, THE PRESENT MOMENT PRECISELY...


14/12/09
"==>"






14/12/09
"==>"






14/12/09
"==>"






14/12/09
"==>"



An AIMLESS RENEGADE prepares for company.


16/12/09
"Rose: Build as much as you can as fast as you can."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps?
EB: just keep the safe or tub handy or something.
EB: it'll serve them right for trashing my posters.
TT: I keep telling you the posters were always like that.
EB: AND I KEEP TELLING YOU HA HA VERY FUNNY
TT: Here, look.
TT: http://tinyurl.com/O413nanna
TT: http://tinyurl.com/O413weirdo
EB: yeah, i saw those, but...
EB: they didn't look like that before. you must have changed them.
TT: Even if I had the motive for such a bizarre and pointless deception, where would I find the time?
TT: I don't even have Photoshop.
EB: then why didn't you TELL me they were there???
TT: I had no reason to think you were not aware of them.
TT: I thought they were strange, certainly, but was not struck by any particular impulse to discuss them.
EB: ok, it still doesn't make sense though.
EB: implying that i drew them a while ago and then forgot and couldn't see them and now suddenly see them.
EB: that's stupid, what would that even mean.


16/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: It looks like you were in your father's room recently.
EB: yeah.
TT: And how did it make you feel to discover what was in there?
EB: oh no, i just realized!
EB: you are going to psycho-therapify me.
EB: well don't bother!
TT: Maybe I am just being a friend?
EB: maybe...
EB: /EYES SUSPSICIOSLY
EB: anyway i guess you saw what's in there, it's boring and there's not much to even see.
TT: That doesn't matter.
TT: What matters is how seeing it affected you.
TT: I think it clearly has in some way.
EB: well...
EB: i don't know, at first i was nervous to go in and find more of his weird clowns, because of course they are stupid and i hate them a lot.
EB: but then when i didn't see any, it was weird.
EB: i felt weirdly, like... disappointed almost.
TT: Is it fair to say this changed your perception of your father?
EB: yeah, i guess.
TT: Is it such a stretch to conclude it changed your perception of other things as well?
EB: uh no, maybe not.
EB: but what are you getting at?
EB: it sounds like you're saying i'm crazy!


16/12/09
"John: Alchemize."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I don't like to use the word "crazy".
EB: oh god.
EB: see?? this is therapy bullshit!
TT: That was a joke.
TT: But anyway, whether it means you are crazy or not, consider this theory:
TT: Your presumably longstanding tendency for scrawling this imagery is really your subconsious trying to express something disturbing within you.
TT: Possibly something from your past, which you have blocked out.
TT: And since you have supressed it, your conscious self cannot acknowledge the drawings, therefore they have been invisible until now.
EB: why now?
TT: Perhaps because you have seen evidence that conflicts with the worldview your subconscious has constructed to obfuscate the truth.
TT: That your dad is not necessarily the clown-loving maniac you thought he was.
TT: All along, this negative attribute buried in your psyche may have been projected on to him, and subsequently reviled, as a sort of defense mechanism.
EB: but this is absurd, my dad LOVES these shitty clowns.
EB: he's got all these statues and paintings EVERYWHERE.
TT: Is it unthinkable that over the years it was he who believed you were the one with a passion for clowns? Because of the all the strange drawings in your room?
TT: A father then embraces a son's hobby to establish a stronger bond.
TT: Or wages a campaign of passive-aggresive mockery of your interests.
TT: Either is plausible. I don't know your dad that well.
EB: i dunno.
EB: not sure about all this.
EB: but i think we need to stop and acknowledge the bunny sassacre fedora i just made.
TT: It's awesome.
EB: yeah.


16/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: wow, what are you doing by the way?
EB: rose, sorry to say but this is all looking kind of silly!
TT: I'm trying to spread the upward construction around so there is a more substantial foundation for later on.
TT: But I'm starting to wonder if it will be strong enough.
TT: It's kind of starting to wobble a little.
TT: I don't think brick chimneys were meant to serve this architectural purpose.
EB: yeah no shit!
TT: I might have to adopt a different building strategy.
TT: Stick to more load-bearing walls, and blockier shapes, especially since grist has been easier to come by lately.
EB: ok, but you really must be running low on time by now, right?
TT: Right.
EB: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!


18/12/09
"[S] Jade: Dream up extra arms and play advanced bass solo."






18/12/09
"Jade: Change wardrobifier to cycle thru STAR HEART HORSESHOE"



Ok, good idea.

You leave the MOON in the cycle though cause you like it.


18/12/09
"Jade: Go explore the golden city."






18/12/09
"==>"






18/12/09
"==>"






18/12/09
"==>"






18/12/09
"Jade: Go and make a new friend."






18/12/09
"==>"






18/12/09
"==>"






18/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"WV: Eat letter and envelope."



Will you cut that out! You have company.


19/12/09
"WV: Look behind you!"



See? Over there.


19/12/09
"WV: Read letter."






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"==>"






19/12/09
"WV: Give present! Hooray!!!"






20/12/09
"Jade: Gracefully fly to the other golden tower."



You decide to check on your neighbor.


20/12/09
"Jade: Inspect neighbor's tower."



It is very much the same as your own! The only difference is that this one is home to a young boy instead of a young girl.

You peer through the window.


20/12/09
"==>"



John is of course sound asleep. It looks like he is having troubled dreams as usual.

You cannot disturb his slumber though. He will wake up when he is ready!


20/12/09
"==>"



Speaking of John, you wonder if he got the birthday present you sent him? Or for that matter, if you even remembered to send it?

Darn! You get so confused sometimes. If only you had some system in place to help you remember things.


20/12/09
"==>"



Your MOON is getting very close to SKAIA. You had better go inside soon. It is never a very good idea to be outside during the ECLIPSE.

Maybe you can take the opportunity to log onto your computer and ask John about his present. You just know he will think it is awesome, and it will be a great way to thank him for the wonderful present he got you!


21/12/09
"John: Alchemize in a 1980's time-lapse montage."



That would be pretty cool, and would promote the appearance to the audience that a whole lot was getting done in not much time, but it also sounds like kind of a pain in the ass so you decide to play it straightup this time.

Rose has moved the ALCHEMITER back down to the deck while she reworks the building project up there. Just as well because it will save you a lot of legwork. Between this thing, the designix and the lathe, that's a whole lot of scrambling around!


21/12/09
"John: Recombine hammer and pogo ride."



This time instead of overlapping (&&) the two cards which created the POGO HAMMER, you use the two codes to double-punch (||) a blank card, producing a different hole pattern.

The result is the HAMMERHEAD POGO RIDE. It doesn't look like it's as much fun as the original ride, but to be fair it's probably a lot safer.

Double-punching cards creates patterns with more holes, rather than less holes by overlapping cards. This strikes you as a viable method for combining more than two items without whittling down to too few holes, or too many! Just mix up the overlaps and double-punches, and the sky's the limit.


21/12/09
"John: Combine ghost shirt and suit."



You make the GREEN SLIME GHOST SUIT.

Pretty swanky, but you are not completely satisfied with the wardrobe upgrade yet.


21/12/09
"John: Combine ghost suit and Wise Guy book."



You make the WISE GUY SLIME SUIT.

This is so much better. It seems there are lots of secret trickstery gimmicks concealed in OH SHIT THERE GO THE CARDS


21/12/09
"John: Combine glasses and PDA."



You make the SERIOUS BUSINESS GOGGLES.

This is a pretty nice hands-free communication solution, and it makes you look way cooler, like one of the kids from SPY KIDS or something.

God that was a good movie.

REAL SPIES...only smaller


21/12/09
"John: Combine sledgehammer, telescope, and Sassacre text."



You make the TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER, at pretty considerable expense. This thing could probably pound an ogre into crudeburger.

Of course you have no hope of lifting it whatsoever.


21/12/09
"John: Combine gushers and blue ectoplasm."



You mix your Gushers with some of the blue slime Nanna left on the wall to make a box of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS (WITH GHOSTLY HEALING PROPERTIES!)

THESE SHOULD BE CONVENIENT, IF SOMEWHAT UNAPPETIZING.


21/12/09
"John: Combine fake arm, blue ectoplasm, and PDA."



You make the REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLET.

It looks like when you put on the special computer-glove it lets you control the big slimy ghost hand.

The GHOST GAUNTLET appears to have a considerably higher lift capacity than your own puny arms.


21/12/09
"John: Combine ghost gauntlet and bathroom mirror."



You make a LEFT HANDED REMOTE GHOST GAUNTLET to complete the pair.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE WHY THE HELL NOT.


21/12/09
"John: Combine umbrella and straight razor."



You make the BARBER'S BEST FRIEND.

It suddenly seems worthwhile to you to go nab that UMBRELLAKIND STRIFE SPECIBUS that's been lying in the study for a while.


22/12/09
"John: Combine gushers and shaving cream."



You make a deadly BETTY CROCKER BARBASOL BOMB.

Be careful with that thing! Jesus!!


22/12/09
"John: Combine Ghost Dad poster with..."



Ok, you have a cool idea for something to do with your GHOST DAD POSTER, but it looks like you drew shit all over that one too without realizing it.

Lousy goddamn stupid subconscious!

Anyway, you think you have an idea how to clean it up.


22/12/09
"John: Captchalogue/punch Heath Ledger Joker figurine."



If you can somehow "subtract" the code of the JOKER FIGURINE from the code of the poster, it might work.

Luckily, the Joker code only has two holes, making the task very simple. The defaced Cosby poster shares those holes. You determine that the defaced Cosby could only result from a double-punching with the Joker, if your theory is correct. This means the original Cosby poster had one of those holes punched, or the other, or neither, making three total possibilities.

You try out all three possible codes, yielding:

- 1 POTTED PLANT
- 1 PAINTING OF A HORSE ATTACKING A FOOTBALL PLAYER
- 1 CLEAN COSBY POSTER

SUCCESS.


22/12/09
"John: Combine Cosby poster with computer."



You make the COSBYTOP COMPUTER.

This thing is probably a useless piece of shit, but making it has caused you to feel an alarming sense of satisfaction.


22/12/09
"John: Combine Dad's hat and Problem Sleuth game."



You make another ordinary FEDORA with FOUR PIECES OF CANDY CORN inside.


22/12/09
"John: Combine Hammer and Problem Sleuth game."



Whatever this item is, you cannot make it yet! It requires a ludicrous amount of grist, some types of which you have not even encountered.


22/12/09
"John: Combine iron and pogo hammer."



You make the WRINKLEFUCKER.


22/12/09
"==>"



So much sweet loot. You'd almost think it was simultaneously your birthday, AND Christmas or something.

Of course you know that is ridiculous and could never conceivably happen.


24/12/09
"[S] Dave: Strife!"






24/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: bro just kicked my ass


24/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter


28/12/09
"[S] Jade: Pester John."



|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:25 --

GG: john did you get my package??
EB: oh hey!
EB: no, not yet.
GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box.....
EB: oh!
EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.
EB: he should be back soon.
GG: great!!! so what are you up to today?
EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.
EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.
GG: lol!
GG: whats sburb??
EB: oh, it is this game.
EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.
GG: whoa what was that?????
EB: what was what?
GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!!
GG: it sounded like an explosion!!!!
EB: wow, really?
GG: i will go outside and look....
EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?
GG: i will! :)

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

GG: im back!
EB: oh hi!
GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard
EB: was it by any chance a meteor?
GG: yes!!!!!
GG: how did you know??
EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!
EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?
GG: no i am fine!
GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it
GG: and its pretty big!
GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it
GG: so i came home
GG: he seems to think its dangerous!
EB: well gosh, he's probably right!
GG: anyway what have you been up to john?
GG: oh!!!! did you get my package yet? :O
EB: er...
EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.
GG: oh no!
EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.
EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.
GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!
EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.
EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.
EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!!!
GG: O_O
GG: well.....
GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but.....
GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!
GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny
GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!
EB: wow, you think so?
GG: yes!
EB: well ok, BUT.
EB: it's not even that simple!
EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.
EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!
EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!
EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.
GG: hahaha
GG: he is so silly!
EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.


29/12/09
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

GG: hey!!!!
EB: whoa, there you are!
GG: how is your adventure going john?
EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.
GG: thats good!!
EB: oh but, like...
EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(
EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.
GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!
GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive....
GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!!!
EB: yeah, you're probably right.
EB: but, um...
EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?
GG: oh uhhh.......
GG: i dont know didnt you???
EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked rose or dave about it or something.
GG: yeah maybe that was it!!
EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!
GG: heheheh :D
EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?
EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.
GG: oh well john
GG: i want to explain lots of things to you....
GG: some things that i know
GG: im just......
GG: waiting!
EB: waiting for what!
GG: oh! john!!!
GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!
EB: oh yeah.
EB: what ever happened with that?
GG: oh boy.... well........
GG: it turns out i was confused about it...
GG: really confused! o_o;
GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and.....
GG: lost track of time
GG: that happens!!
EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!
EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.
EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?
GG: well.....
GG: its hard to explain!!!
GG: but...
GG: i know what it is now!
GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!!!
EB: so what is it???
EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me???
GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!!!
GG: but i cant yet
GG: i really think you need to wake up first!
EB: huh?
GG: well ok not literally
GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!!
EB: AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EB: stop being so confusing!!!!
GG: lol :)
GG: anyway time for you to go john
GG: i think you have some company!!!
GG: <3


29/12/09
"Jade: Update colourful reminders."



You take a moment to gather your thoughts after your dream. While you are asleep it can get very confusing figuring out what is really happening and what isn't. Especially during the ECLIPSE, when you are exposed to many visions of the past, present, and future through a variety of CLOUD MIRAGES. It is only after you wake up that you are able to start making sense of it all, and your REMINDERS help you do this!

But on reflection, there wasn't much in the dream about the future. You were quite surprised to see your DOG in your dream though. It was the first time the crafty guardian has ever appeared in a dream! You have learned that today is his birthday, just like it is for your other best friend. You have always wondered about this, and never had the chance to throw him a party and bake him a cake. Now you can!

But if you do, it seems that you will need A LOT of candles.


29/12/09
"==>"



Bec has never allowed you to enter the MYSTIC RUINS for reasons you never understood. You always assumed it was on account of your protection. But your dream has strongly suggested to you that is where you need to go now!

Since your DREAMBOT is secured in its chamber and does not need to be looked after, Bec is taking a nap in the GRAND FOYER as he usually does. Perhaps you can take advantage of this and sneak out of the house another way?


29/12/09
"Jade: Grab your harpoon gun."



Oh yes, of course! One of your REMINDERS reminds you that you still have a package to deliver too. This way you can kill two birds with one harpoon gun.


30/12/09
"Jade: Use harpoon to zip-line into the great outdoors."






30/12/09
"==>"






30/12/09
"==>"






30/12/09
"Rose: Finish building."



Architectural perfection.


31/12/09
"Dave: Mourn the loss of Cal."



See you little dude.

If you had any more APPLE JUICE you would pour some out for your homie.

You'll have to remember to double-check your closet for more juice.


31/12/09
"Dave: Go get a god damn new sword."



Perhaps you will. But if you do, it looks like you'll have to break it first.

Perfectly good STRIFE SPECIBUS, down the toilet. Thanks BRO.


31/12/09
"Dave: Captchalogue beta."



You try to grab the BETA (6) but you forgot your sylladex is completely packed.

You wonder why you jammed all this useless crap in here in the first place. Maybe you assumed you would weaponize it all during one of your customary HASHRAP battles with your BRO. But in retrospect that probably just would have been a huge chore and would have made the battle drag on forever.

It's like what are you made of time.


31/12/09
"Dave: Eject your modus and set it to Scrabble values."



You dump all this crap all over the roof.

You then set your modus to the SCRABBLE HASH FUNCTION for some reason. This function always makes it a little less intuitive to calculate hash values for items, and therefore more cumbersome to rap with. But you guess that's kind of a moot point now that your BRO flew off fuck knows where. His mysterious ways transcend irony once again.


31/12/09
"Dave: Get beta."



You get the BETA (3+1+1+1), now yielding a radically different hash value with the Scrabble function.

Which is to say a radically exactly the same value.


31/12/09
"Dave: Pester Rose."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: ok i got it
TG: i hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis i had to fellate to get this game
TG: hello
TG: what are you doing
TG: anyway im going down stairs now and installing this thing
TG: later


31/12/09
"==>"



You have finally finished your building project. You have done about all you can do for John. You don't think you can provide much assistance against all those ogres this time, but at least now John appears to be armed to the teeth.

All there is left to do is wait for Dave.


01/01/10
"Rose: Captchalogue and send John code for his present."



That would certainly hasten the parcel's delivery, but the gift is not finished yet!

You have spent months accelerating your knitting skills to be able to make the gift of perfect sentimental appeal. You even incorporated a cherished heirloom you have had as long as you can remember.

When he sees your staggering gesture of sentimentality he will finally understand. He will understand that in the game of facetious sentimental gestures, no one gets the best of Rose Lalonde.


01/01/10
"Months in the past..."






01/01/10
"dear rose,"



dear rose,

happy birthday!!!

thanks for being such a great friend all these years. i know you like to make it out like you're playing it cool and don't care much about the people in your life, but i know deep down you really do. hell, not even that deep down. it's like, um, like your subconscious is having a wet t-shirt contest, and you being all aloof is this totally soggy shirt doing no good at all at hiding nothin'. oh wait, it looks like two can play at this game of cracking all these high falutin psychology books! AW SNAP!!!

but yeah, i got you this because i think you're really creative and you could make something nice with it if you put your mind to it. and it might help you take your mind off a lot of all this serious business you're always absorbed in. you know, all this weirdo pseudo-gothy stuff or whatever. frankly it's kind of depressing.

anyway you're the best rose! have a rad 13th! (i will catch up with you guys soon. god you're all so old.)

~ghostyTrickster
(john)



01/01/10
"==>"






01/01/10
"Rose: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable
GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand
GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity
GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case
GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian
GA: But No
GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings
GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge
TT: Have we spoken before?
GA: Yes
GA: In The Future
TT: You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions.
GA: Oh My It Is Your Human Sarcasm Again
GA: I Enjoy Listening To It And I Wish Doing So Could Serve As My Primary Form Of Recreation
GA: There See I Just Did It Too
GA: Saying The Opposite Thing To Emphasize My Contempt
GA: But Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More
GA: It Was Like This Funny Miracle That Just Happened In My Heart
TT: I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction.
TT: But I won't be rude and change the subject.
TT: There's a still a bit of unflagellated straw poking out of your rhetorical effigy over here.
GA: Oh Dear
GA: No We Arent From "The Future"
GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will
TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future.
GA: We Did
GA: Your Future
GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago
TT: I understand.
TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline.
TT: It's not that complicated.
GA: Yes Thats Right
GA: Will You Try To Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot Friends
GA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms
TT: I try to every day, with mixed results.
TT: But you see, it's not that I don't understand you.
TT: It's just that I don't believe you.
TT: Because it's nonsense.
TT: Albeit persistent and coordinated nonsense.
TT: Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time?
GA: I Will Admit This Campaign Of Provocation Wasnt All That Well Thought Out
GA: Dont Tell Anyone I Said That
TT: Alright.
TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.
TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.
GA: Yeah Maybe
GA: Why Dont We Be Friends
TT: You want to be my friend?
GA: I Think So
GA: I Think Were Supposed To
GA: You Suggested As Much Earlier
TT: You mean I did in the future?
GA: Yes A Couple Minutes Ago
TT: Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now?
GA: Thats Likely
TT: Hmm.
TT: Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing.
TT: What choice do I have but to accept?


01/01/10
"==>"






01/01/10
"==>"






01/01/10
"==>"






01/01/10
"dear dave,"



dear dave,

happy birthday!!!

i just wanted to take a break from telling you how much your gay butt stinks all the time and say what an awesome friend you are. seriously, on any other day i would be downplaying how you aren't really as cool as you think you are, but just between you and me i think you might actually be that cool. i think you just gotta get out of your bro's shadow and spread your wings dude!!!

so i got you these. they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i'm sure you'll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie. ok so for real, this is sort of a shitty present, but it is an ironic present because i know you wouldn't have it any other way. maybe you can wear them ironically some time. they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.

anyway, have a good one buddy! and stay busy being totally sweet!

~ghostyTrickster
(john)



01/01/10
"==>"






01/01/10
"Dave: Answer."



|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AT: hEYYY,
AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE AWFUL,
AT: lET'S PUT THAT FACT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT,
AT: nOW YOU HAVE BEEN PRIMED FOR THE DIGESTIVE RUINATION THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, aND THE COMPREHENSIVE SOILING OF THE LAUNDRY ENVELOPING YOUR PERSON,
TG: oh my god you type like a tool
AT: yEAHHH,
AT: nOW YOU'RE GETTING IT, wHAT YOU ARE IN FOR,
AT: aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED,
AT: wITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE HUMAN CORTEX,
TG: this is so weak im almost getting tired of wasting good material on you guys
TG: its like
TG: youve got nothing
TG: its always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard im about to get trolled
TG: with no ensuing substance
TG: you dont even know anything about us
TG: one of you fuckers thought i was a girl
AT: oK, yEAH, bUT,
AT: tHE THING IS, tHAT i DON'T CARE,
AT: aBOUT YOUR ANATOMICAL DETAILS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT,
AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE,
AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY,
AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO,
TG: sorry i wouldnt cyber with you dude
TG: in the future or whatever
AT: wHAT, wAIT,
AT: oH,
AT: oK, yOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES TO SUBMIT INNUENDO,
TG: human innuendo
AT: yES, hUMAN iNNUENDO,
AT: sORRY FOR THE LACK OF CLARITY,
TG: so at what point in the future am i supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankerin for my knob
AT: uH,
TG: be honest with me
TG: cause im busy
TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon
AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS,
TG: no man
TG: look
TG: i just need to know when to be there
TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund
TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something
TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise
AT: uHHH,
AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME,
TG: jesus you are such a shitty troll
AT: i GUESS i'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,
AT: aND FIND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU,
AT: wHEN, i GUESS,
AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, aND DON'T HAVE ALL THESE BEES IN YOUR BONNET,
AT: aBOUT YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY,
TG: oh no
TG: no dude
TG: you sassed me up
TG: we are in THE SHIT now
TG: together
TG: for the long haul
AT: i,
AT: wHAT,
TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch
TG: you and me
TG: welcome to nam
TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop
AT: uHHH, wHO,
AT: wHO'S CHARLIE,
TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows
TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden
TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle
TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire
TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt
TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train
TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling
AT: oH MY GOD,
TG: bro look in my eyes
TG: that twinkle
TG: that be DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestlers sweaty purple taint
TG: sparklin like a visit from your fairy fuckin godmother
TG: shit be PURE AND TRUE
TG: thats what you see
TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together
TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine
TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong
TG: this is how we do this
TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo

-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --


02/01/10
"You are now..."



The Aimless Renegade.

You have identified a couple of unwelcome rogues outside your present stronghold. They are in violation of your jurisdiction. Despite your ordinarily striking marksmanship, you have spent your entire ammo clip without recording a single killshot.

What will you do?


02/01/10
"AR: Realize that your weapon is magazine-fed, not clip-fed."



You don't give a shit about that.


02/01/10
"AR: Examine the wall behind you."



The wall exhibits rows of ancient hieroglyphs depicting an array of amphibious and reptilian life forms.

This is illegal pictography. It makes you angry.


02/01/10
"AR: Go search for more ammo."



There is plenty of ammunition stored in the various AMMO CRATES which you have spent a great deal of time unearthing from nearby dunes and hauling back to your stronghold. You have a large variety of weaponry and ammunition at your disposal.

Whether you can locate some more AK47 rounds quickly enough is a different matter.


02/01/10
"AR: Quickly retrieve side arms."



You retrieve a pair of deadly SIDE ARMS.

But you will need a longer-ranged weapon if you are to continue your enforcement.


02/01/10
"AR: Find a rocket launcher."






02/01/10
"==>"



Here's one.


03/01/10
"AR: Befriend the unwelcome rogues."



You wonder if you should reconsider your grievance with the offenders. Perhaps you should let it slide? They seem friendly enough, and it's been so long since you've had company. It would also be quite a pity to blow up that tall attractive female.

But then again...


03/01/10
"==>"



They are both in flagrant violation, trespassing through several zones which you painstakingly marked as off-limits while you conduct your investigation of this crime scene. It is your duty to investigate this ILLEGAL MONUMENT and get to the bottom of its ILLICIT AMPHIBIOUS IDOLATRY. Just thinking about all the sloppy footprints they are leaving in the sand makes your carapace steam.

The law is all that's left to hold on to in this unforgiving dust bowl. You cannot afford to loosen your black claw's grip lest justice slip through your fingers. Law is beauty. Order is peace. Judgment is the very basis for all that is pure and...

Hold that thought.

You need to take a moment to wear something ridiculous before you continue your spiel...


03/01/10
"==>"






03/01/10
"==>"



ORDER IN THE COURT. YOU WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURTROOM. IF EVERYONE DOES NOT SETTLE DOWN YOU WILL CLEAR OUT THIS COURTROOM, YOU SWEAR TO GOD.


03/01/10
"AR: Examine moving platform."



It appears to be a large stage serving as a kind of elevator. But it can't go down because there's something jammed in it. Looks like a peculiar musical instrument, probably centuries old.

But yeah, the jury agrees. You've got to go blow up those trespassers.


03/01/10
"Jade: Place present on monument."



You put John's present down in just the right spot, along with a letter you prepared a little while ago after a particularly interesting series of dreams.

Should be any minute now...


03/01/10
"==>"






03/01/10
"==>"



You put down the time-bait. It's out of your hands now.


03/01/10
"==>"



You guess you could swim.

Maybe you can think of a better way across though.


03/01/10
"PM : Read the letter."



This is kind of confusing.


03/01/10
"==>"



But you guess it's straightforward enough, even if the drawing is somewhat inaccurate...


03/01/10
"==>"



Oh no!


04/01/10
"AR: Berate self for unauthorized demolition."



STUPID STUPID STUPID

You had them right in your crosshairs. You have no idea how a crack shot like you could have missed. It is practically inconceivable.


04/01/10
"AR: Be the law."



You reload and take aim.

That fair carapace... how it sparkles in the desert light.

No. You cannot afford to be distracted by such thoughts. You are busy being the law.


04/01/10
"==>"



YOU ARE THE LAW WHOOPS


04/01/10
"WV: Wave about in a distracting manner."



Oh it's this guy again and his little blinking bee. So outrageous.


04/01/10
"==>"






04/01/10
"PM: Scamper quickly to the newly created hole."






04/01/10
"==>"






04/01/10
"PM: Read the next step of the letter."



At the bottom of the letter is a series of coordinates along with further instructions.

You know what you must do.


04/01/10
"==>"



Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection.


04/01/10
"==>"






05/01/10
"Years in the past..."






05/01/10
"==>"






05/01/10
"==>"






05/01/10
"==>"



Today is your BIRTHDAY. Your grandfather has decided to celebrate by introducing you to THE THRILL OF THE HUNT.

But suddenly you and Bec are wandering off. Where is this silly DOG taking you?


05/01/10
"==>"



You find a PRESENT.


05/01/10
"==>"



You open it to find a shirt that is way too big for you, and... pumpkin seeds?

There is also a letter.


05/01/10
"dear jade,"



dear jade,

happy birthday!!!

it's hard to thank you enough for your friendship over the years. heck, if it weren't for you i wouldn't even have met rose and dave, so that is like, THREE TIMES the friendship! that is almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP. ha ha. i only wish i could get you something for your birthday that could remotely make up for what you've given me, but of course that's impossible. so here are a couple silly things anyway!

i went to a weird asian store the other day and saw this rad shirt, so i got it and i'm wearing it now! but there was a blue one too which was way more awesome, and i wanted you to have it. i know you like green a lot, but maybe you'd like to try wearing blue sometimes? i bet you'd look like a million bucks! also i know you've been frustrated lately about how your pumpkins keep disappearing. well, i can't begin to explain why that's happening! all i can do is give you these so you can plant some more. don't give up, jade! wherever those dumb old pumpkins went off to, i'm sure you know the fun is in growing them and taking care of them until they're ready!

whew, got to head out to the post office now so this doesn't get to you TOO late! talk to you soon!!!

~ghostyTrickster
(john)



05/01/10
"==>"



Who is this John claiming to be your friend? And these other friends he mentions?

Whoever he is, you think he might be on to something. Blue is a very pretty color! Also, growing some pumpkins sounds like it could be fun. Maybe you will ask Grandpa if you can use the atrium to do some gardening. This will be exciting.


06/01/10
"WHOP"






06/01/10
"==>"



You bear the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face.

You are getting really tired of this feisty man and his busy fists.


06/01/10
"Jack: Kill John's dad yourself."



Here, stick this in your pipe and bleed to death slowly.


06/01/10
"==>"






06/01/10
"==>"






06/01/10
"==>"






06/01/10
"==>"






06/01/10
"==>"



You release the prisoner. He is free to go.


07/01/10
"Jade: Play guitar to summon giant lily pads."






07/01/10
"==>"






07/01/10
"==>"






08/01/10
"Dave: Install beta."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: alright im installing this game finally
TT: Where doing this man?
TG: yeah
TG: you could almost say
TG: where making this
TT: Go on.
TT: What is it where making this?
TG: TRANSPIRE
TG:
TT: Excellent.
TT: Let's make shit take place.


14/01/10
"[S] Enter."






14/01/10
"==>"






14/01/10
"==>"






14/01/10
"==>"






14/01/10
"END OF ACT 3"






15/01/10
"INTERMISSION"






15/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Your name is SPADES SLICK. You are the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of mobsters called the MIDNIGHT CREW. A rival gang known as THE FELT recently knocked over one of your favorite casinos. Your long quest of revenge has finally taken you through the front door of the mansion belonging to their loathsome boss, LORD ENGLISH.

Your subordinates, CLUBS DEUCE, DIAMONDS DROOG, and HEARTS BOXCARS have been dispatched to various locations throughout the mansion to begin carrying out your mission. Your objective is to locate and crack English's SECRET VAULT, and plunder its mysteries.

That's the business end of it. The pleasure will be painting this ugly house red with the blood of those miserable green motherfuckers.


16/01/10
"[I] SS: Inspect timekeeping devices."



Stupid gang and their lousy obsession with clocks. The sooner all these idiots stop being alive the better.

You wonder where they are. It's awfully quiet in the mansion, sans all the dreadful ticking.


16/01/10
"[I] SS: Captchalogue carriage clock."



You obviously have no idea what that means.

If it's some smartass way of saying to pick it up, forget it. You are already carrying an item. It is your trusty DECK OF CARDS.


16/01/10
"[I] SS: Build fort with clocks."



You have an idea that is so much better.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 4/1000


16/01/10
"[I] SS: Check for traps under the billiards rug."



What is under the rug is much worse than any trap you can imagine.

It is a member of a species that you do not recognize, with a ghastly furred upper lip.


16/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You cover the unsightly individual back up and try to forget it ever existed.


16/01/10
"[I] SS: Play 52 pickup."



You would need a DECK OF CARDS to play that infernal game.

Fortunately all you have is your WAR CHEST, which you deploy on the floor.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Open war chest."






17/01/10
"[I] SS: Shuffle contents of war chest."



You rummage around. It's no unusual assortment of belongings, and nothing any mobster worth his salt would be caught plotting and scheming without. Certainly nothing eyebrow raising.

Bunch of blades, some playing cards, and a variety of other miscellaneous stuff.

Also your VENDETTA ITINERARY and your HEIST MAP.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Scavenge war chest for fancy headwear."



If there are any elaborate headdresses in here, you'll eat your haberdasher.

But of course there is only a plain and serviceable BACKUP HAT, which naturally conceals two LICORICE SCOTTY DOGS.

Which makes you think that maybe you are wearing your BACKUP HAT, and this is your usual one? Hell if you know. They are the same damn hat.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Hide inside your war chest."



You cannot hide properly inside the chest because you cannot close it while you are inside.

Instead you momentarily pretend it is a really cool automobile that commands the fear and respect of larcenous adversaries everywhere.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

All aboard the idiot wagon!


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Start up the Crosbytop."



Is that what this thing is? You've had it for some time, and don't quite remember how you got it. You never knew the identity of this pipe-smoking creature.

Perhaps it could be the same species as the character you just saw under the rug. But you know that is impossible, because this one does not feature the same bizarre furred lip. They are probably differing species within the same genus.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Go to mspaintadventures.com."



You don't know why you are wasting time on this website. It is for little children who poop hard in their baby ass diapers.

Also you don't understand what the hell is going on or who all these characters are. It's all a lot of nonsense.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Delete the time setting on the crosbytop."



CLOCKS DESTROYED: 5/1000


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Take the spade key."



You take the RULES CARD FOR BLACKJACK.

You have possessed this item for as long as you can remember. You do not yet know its significance. Though you can hustle up a mean game of blackjack when you need to.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Examine vendetta itinerary."



These are the mugshots of everyone you are going to kill.

You got a head start. You already offed CROWBAR (7), MATCHSTICKS (11), and QUARTERS (14), depleting them of some of their muscle. You've still got to watch out for the others, and stay wary of their despicable time shenanigans.

ITCHY (1) has given you the slip repeatedly. DOZE (2) you've captured and interrogated just as repeatedly, to no avail. TRACE (3) has broken into your secret hideout more times than you can count, while FIN (5) always seems to be a step ahead of you and scoops your heists. CLOVER (4) has all the intel and is highly cooperative. You might need him to crack the vault. He'll be guarded. Best to avoid DIE (6) in any direct confrontations unless you want a temporal mess on your hands. But if you need any repairs, you could always get to STITCH (9) and "persuade" him. And you might need to if you can't kill SAWBUCK (10) with a clean shot. EGGS (12) and BISCUITS (13) are morons. But they are dangerous morons. CANS (15) is a tank and your crew'll probably need more ammunition than you packed to take him down.

No one knows what LORD ENGLISH looks like. But that'll be corrected tonight.

You've got dibs on English. He's all yours.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Wonder where the number 8 mugshot went."



It's right here.

But you aren't gonna kill SNOWMAN (8).

It's out of the question.


17/01/10
"[I] SS: Examine heist map."



On review, your schemes seem a bit convoluted. But you wouldn't have it any other way.

Deuce and Droog split up to neutralize as many Felt as they can find. Your heavy muscle and expert safecracker, Boxcars, is headed straight down to the vault.


18/01/10
"[I] SS: Use radio device to check on unscrupulous cohorts."



You put the word out to your cronies for a status report. No response yet.

You clean up all your junk and prepare to get this show on the road.


18/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You slip the SPADE KEY back into the DECK OF CARDS, then pocket the WAR CHEST.

Smooth as clockwork, and every bit as logical.


18/01/10
"[I] SS: Enter the hallway near the main entrance."



Funny, you didn't hear any commotion or gunplay. But it looks like there's already been some action in here. Or there will be. You can never take tense for granted with these goons.

13/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED. Apparently.

Looks like Clubs Deuce is getting back to you.


18/01/10
"[I] ==>"



He says he's got Doze tied up for interrogation.

You ask him what else is new. Capturing that guy is like shooting a paralyzed monkey in the face.


18/01/10
"[I] SS: Be Hearts Boxcars."



You are now Clubs Deuce.


18/01/10
"[I] CD: Rough him up."



He remains tight-lipped, so you deal him a senseless shin-drubbing with your CROOK OF FELONY.

Oh the humanity. You can barely watch.


18/01/10
"[I] ==>"



He's probably still using his special ability to slow time down for himself.

He can't feel a damn thing, and certainly isn't saying anything. Apart from a very low noise which could be him saying "ow" very, very slowly.


18/01/10
"[I] CD: Punch clocks in faces to establish chronology."



Why would you do that? All of these clocks are lovely. You see no reason to harm them.

987/1000 CLOCKS UNHARMED


18/01/10
"[I] CD: Swap hats with Doze."



You begin a feeble campaign of psychological warfare. Perhaps compromising his fashion motif is the way to get to him.

Nope. Looks like he's still in his weird state of stasis and doesn't care.

Either that or it's driving him nuts. Just very slowly.


18/01/10
"[I] CD: Dump the contents of your war chest over him."



War chest? What are you talking about. All you've got is this simple, unassuming DECK OF CARDS.


18/01/10
"[I] CD: Play some solitaire."



Don't be stupid. To play solitaire you'd need a DECK OF CARDS.

I don't see a DECK OF CARDS, do you? All I see is your BATTLEDROBE.


18/01/10
"[I] CD: Throw the hat down and stomp it mercilessly."



Oh no. It's Itchy, and it looks like he's all wound up.

He unties Doze and quickly swaps everyone's HATS around.


18/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Doze proceeds to make a fleetfooted getaway.

THE CHASE

IS ON


18/01/10
"[I] SS: Stop being Hearts Boxcars."



Alright, you're the boss. Hearts Boxcars you ain't.

Someone has replaced your plain and serviceable HAT with a silly and undersized one. An outrage beyond compare.

You're sure you know who the culprit was. You can still smell his overly caffeinated blood...

986/1000 CLOCKS SHOWN MERCY


19/01/10
"[I] SS: Lift left leg and hold it a little ways in the air."



Oops.


19/01/10
"[I] ==>"



4/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD


19/01/10
"[I] SS: Wear CD's hat on top of your current one."



You are already wearing Deuce's hat you fool. The one on the floor is Droog's hat. This is exactly why you always keep a BACKUP HAT on hand.

This son of a bitch on the floor here has played his last game of musical hats. Soon these lugs will learn to show you some respect. You made this town what it is after all. Wasn't nothin' but a bunch of dust and rocks before you got here.


19/01/10
"[I] SS: Wear backup hat."



You deploy your chest and swap this dinky little hat for one more suited to your tastes.

Wait a minute...

Thank god. Your precious SCOTTY DOGS are still here. You don't know what you'd do without them. You don't want to even think about it.


19/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Die makes his usual sort of entrance. The nonplussed, vaguely bewildered sort.


19/01/10
"[I] SS: Be Diamonds Droog."



You got it. Clubs Deuce it is.

You have opened your BATTLEDROBE in search of your BACKUP HAT. You also need some more ROPE to retie Doze, who is absolutely tearing through the mansion as we speak. If you don't hurry, he may clear the chair within the hour.

But it's a big mess. You mostly just see a bunch of bombs and cards.


19/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You're not sure what's what. You can never remember which card to pick up.

You can't believe how shitty your memory is.


19/01/10
"[I] CD: Grab the deuce of clubs."



You pick up two LICORICE GUMMY BEARS.

These need to be stored for safe-keeping as soon as possible. Finding your BACKUP HAT has never been more urgent.


19/01/10
"[I] CD: Pick up all of the cards and throw them at Doze."



You pick up a bunch of cards and fling them Doze-ward.

Didn't accomplish a whole lot, other than put some of your private reading material on embarrassing public display.


19/01/10
"[I] CD: Pick a card, any card."



You're a busy guy so you just pick up any old thing and put it on your head. Since you are in a big hurry you will assume that it is your BACKUP HAT.

You stand nearby the two remaining cards on the floor. An OFF-SUITED KING AND JACK.


19/01/10
"[I] CD: Pick up card depicting stately blonde-haired fellows"



You aren't going to stand around jack king off all day long, so you grab the JACK OF DIAMONDS.

Oh.

Here's your BACKUP HAT. Problem solved, you guess.


20/01/10
"[I] CD: Forget you are CD. Believe you are Hearts Boxcars."



You suddenly remember you are Diamonds Droog.

Whoever took your hat is about to discover he's the unluckiest man on earth. He better hope you find him dead. What you're gonna do to him will be much less painful that way.


20/01/10
"[I] DD: Wear backup hat."



You don't have a BACKUP HAT all you got is this DECK OF CARDS oh wait yes you do.

It's stashed away in your BRAWLSOLEUM.


20/01/10
"[I] DD: Retrieve hat from brawlsoleum."



You are the only member of this band of thugs who is civilized enough to keep more than one BACKUP HAT, as well as an extensive array of FINELY TAILORED SUITS.

The BRAWLSOLEUM seemed like the best storage option for your exceptional wardrobe. If there's any better sort of compartment to keep your wardrobe in, you'd love to hear it.

Also there's a shitload of guns and cards in there too.

You put on a BACKUP HAT.


20/01/10
"[I] DD: Withdraw licorice fish from backup hat."



Whew. Your SWEDISH FISH are there.

This is why it's a good idea to always store your candy in your BACKUP HAT rather than your usual one. Other members of your gang have learned this the hard way and they're finally starting to catch on.


20/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Suddenly you get coldcocked in the face from the future.

You'd know the knuckles belonging to that suckerpunch anywhere.


20/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Trace always knows where you've been.

The spineless rat likes to follow your PAST TRAIL around and mess with you.


20/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Trouble is, whenever he does, he lets you know exactly where he's going to be in the future. This time you'll be ready for him.

You radio Deuce for backup. Give him a time and place, and exactly what path through the mansion to take.


20/01/10
"[I] DD: Resume pursuit of wounded felt member."



You don't know if the wounded guy went up the stairs, or came down. Or who wounded him, and when. Might have even been you, for all you know.


20/01/10
"[I] DD: Follow trail of blood up the stairs."



Can't overthink this time stuff.

You go with your gut and head upstairs.


20/01/10
"[I] CD: Follow Diamonds Droog's instructions."



After giving a quick 10-4 over the RADIO, you take another look at your prisoner. He lucked out. Looks like round two of your brutal interrogation will have to wait.

You couldn't find any ROPE, so you tied him up with a STRETCH ARMSTRONG DOLL which you happened to have lying around. You don't remember how you got it.

It looks sort of dumb, but it will have to do.


20/01/10
"[I] CD: Just lock Doze in the battledrobe."



Time to hit the road. You beat your hostage into the back of your BATTLEDROBE with the BULL PENIS CANE.

Wait this is a BULL PENIS CANE?


20/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You flip the fuck out over the fact that this is apparently a BULL PENIS CANE.


20/01/10
"[I] Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events."






20/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Itchy always cheats. But he's always cheated for the last time.

You're gonna jump to a timeline where he's dead.


20/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Looks like he got what he deserved.

But, uh...

As usual, you find yourself in a bit of a predicament.


21/01/10
"[I] SS: Make friends with Die."



You introduce your CAST IRON HORSE HITCHER to your new friend.


21/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Die scrambles for a PIN he's been saving for a special occasion.


21/01/10
"[I] ==>"



How many times does he have to tell you. He made this town.


21/01/10
"[I] HB: Stop being SS."



You stop not being Hearts Boxcars.

You have made your way to the Felt's SECRET VAULT. It's bigger than you were expecting. You doubt you will be able to rely on your usual safe-cracking method, which is prying it from the wall with your bare hands. You'll have to think of something else.


21/01/10
"[I] HB: Do a silly dance."



This is just absolutely the most ridiculous thing you could possibly choose to do right now. I mean come on.

Why don't you take a closer look at that safe...

Seriously stop that.


21/01/10
"[I] HB: Pry the wall from the safe."



That notion is even more ridiculous than the last one. Wait who are you kidding no it isn't.

Looks like the combination to the safe is entered via the hands of the clock. And you somehow doubt spinning the hands around manually is going to cut it. Knowing these guys, you've got to alter the flow of time itself to make it work.

Which of course is bullshit. You think you'll just blow it up instead. Time to get Deuce on the radio.


21/01/10
"[I] HB: Deploy PUNCHBOX."



You deploy the WRATHTUB.


21/01/10
"[I] HB: Retrieve two of hearts from backup hat."



You retrieve your pair of WAX LIPS.

If anyone tried to steal your WAX LIPS, you would eat their eyeballs and deliver an angry lecture into their empty sockets.


21/01/10
"[I] HB: Peruse Red Cheeks magazine."



Just glancing at it gives you palpitations.

Literature for avid CARDIOFICIONADOS such as your self. Those burgeoning red humps... that miscievous little tail... the snug, welcoming cleft...

The saucy imagery is hard to beat. Harder than what you beat inside your chest now. Your heart is what you're beating.

You beat it to RED CHEEKS MAGAZINE pretty regularly, you'd say.


22/01/10
"[I] HB: Call Clubs on nearest card."



You radio Deuce on the 10-4 cards. Let him know you you need a powdermonkey on the double.

You hear ticking. And it's not coming from the big VAULT CLOCK above.

You hope it's not what you think it is...


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Oh no. Oh God.

It's Biscuits. His OVEN TIMER is ticking. This is no good.


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Ugh, there he is.

This idiot thinks his special oven transports him into the future by the amount he sets on the timer. Well, he's sort of right. But in reality, all that's happening is that he's hiding in there until the timer's up, then pops out.

You guess he's relatively harmless if he's alone. You can take him. What you really have to worry about is if he teams up with...

Oh no. That ringing. That godawful ringing. You can hear it...


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Eggs.

Son of a FUCK.

You might as well just grab one of your axes and kill yourself now.


22/01/10
"[I] CD: Follow path."



In the future, you've already followed the path through the mansion that Droog told you to.

Trace followed Droog's PAST TRAIL even further back, but found a much fresher trail crossing his path.

Looks like this little guy's talking on the radio. Says something about how he'll be right there once he gives Droog a hand.

Trace decides he'll trace this guy for a while, see what he's up to. And then mess with him of course.


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



In the present, you talk on the radio. Say something about how you'll be right there once you give Droog a hand.


22/01/10
"[I] DD: Take a good look around the new room you're in."



Looks like the trail of blood ends here. Or originates. Whatever.

Something went down here in the past. Or... is about to go down in the future? You know what, never mind.

21/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED, APPARENTLY


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Hang on. There's a tooth on the floor. You know that tooth. You've felt its bite before.

Fin was here.

And judging by the forensics of the scene, the angle it hit the floor, the direction of the blood splatters and how dry the blood is, you think you know EXACTLY what he's about to pull.

Or more specifically, what he's about to already have pulled.


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Fin always knows where you're going.

He's followed your FUTURE TRAIL here. He likes to mess with you from the past.

Trouble is he tips you off to where he's been. This time you're ready.

Wait for it. Wait...


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



NOW.


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Predestined bullet holes are convenient. Gives you something to aim for.


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"



7/21 CLOCKS REDESTROYED


22/01/10
"[I] ==>"






23/01/10
"[I] SS: Rematerialize."



That doesn't make any sense.

You never went anywhere.


23/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Die realizes there is a cost to settling the score with you in this way. The cost is having to live in a desert amidst the ruins of a dead civilization for the rest of his life.

He thinks that's stupid, so he pulls your pin.


23/01/10
"[I] SS: Help the green man live up to his name."






23/01/10
"[I] ==>"






23/01/10
"[I] SS: Take voodoo doll."



You grab his VOODOO DOLL, and stick his pin in there for good measure. Might as well keep track of everyone you've offed this way too.

Not that you intend to abuse its power to settle your score. What's the point if you're not gonna get your hands dirty.

Still, it might come in handy down the road. Lord English is supposedly indestructible. He's rumored to be killable only through a number of glitches and exploits in spacetime. The doll may ultimately help you work the system if it comes to that.


23/01/10
"[I] SS: Clocks. Destroy them."



29/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED

5/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD


23/01/10
"[I] DD: Follow blood trail downstairs and finish him off."



Problem with that is, he'll just see your FUTURE TRAIL following him, and that'll be nothing but a loud invitation for him to mess with you some more.

Besides, better to leave him alive. You think you know where he'll lead you to. Just got to be a little more subtle about tracing his BLOOD TRAIL. Keep your FUTURE TRAIL out of his line of sight.


23/01/10
"[I] SS: Return to being Hearts Boxcars."



Spades Slick cannot return to being Hearts Boxcars because obviously Diamonds Droog is too busy being Clubs Deuce.

You just watched Trace throw a punch into thin air for some reason. That guy's awfully silly!

He then skulks off somewhere.

You don't realize he's following Droog's PAST TRAIL through the mansion until he gets to the point where it intersects with your trail, at which point he'll start following you.

But we all realized it. Because it's obvious and couldn't possibly be more clear.


23/01/10
"[I] CD: Implement nefarious scheme."



You follow Droog's simple instructions. So simple even a forgetful nincompoop like you can remember.

There's a BLOOD TRAIL on the floor that goes in a different direction than Trace went. You decide to follow it, because that sounds like a really good idea to you.

If there was something you were supposed to do after helping out Droog, you'll be damned if you remember what it was.


23/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Trace catches up to where you were. But you're gone already. All he sees is the long, gross rubbery arm of your PAST TRAIL stretching through the room.

He finds his comrade tied up with the stretchy rubber arms of a small man. But there is nothing gross or unpalatable about that in the least.

Doze unslows himself and begins mumbling something feverishly.

About his hat.


23/01/10
"[I] ==>"






23/01/10
"[I] ==>"



7/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD

107/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED


23/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Fin makes his way through the mansion to get some help.

He wonders where this little guy is going. Deuce's FUTURE TRAIL is headed in the same direction he's headed, by sheer coincidence. Fin decides to follow him for a bit, keep an eye on him. For as long as Deuce's path matches his, that is. There's pretty much no chance he's headed to the same place, though. That would be statistically improbable.

He's got no idea what these other goons are up to here. Funny, their FUTURE TRAILS end here. He's not gonna stick around long enough to find out why. He's a bit too woozy from the blood loss to sort out this mess anyway.


24/01/10
"[I] CD: Follow the red-blood road."



It's uncanny. This little guy is matching Fin's route every step of the way.

HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING.

Fin decides he's got to take him out.


24/01/10
"[I] ==>"



But he can't get a clear shot. Too dizzy, and with all that C4 under Deuce's HAT, firing would be a bad idea.

MY GOD HE'S THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING.

Clearly dealing with a criminal mastermind here.


24/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You stop to admire this gorgeous clock. It is so pretty. Too bad it's not ticking like so many of the clocks in this place. Not that you can blame them. There are so many clocks in this mansion it would obviously be impractical to make sure they all work properly.

Oh look. A trail of blood.

You think you'll start following it.


25/01/10
"[I] HB: Waste exactly four hours on this tomfoolery."



YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL YOU HATE TIME TRAVEL


25/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Above, a spectator has appeared at the strike of 4 and has been giggling at your foolishness for a number of minutes.

Clover would have been tickled to help you open this vault! At the cost of answering a few of his clever TIME RIDDLES, needless to say.

If only you'd thought to seek his help first, rather than charging like the silly brute you are into this deadly trap of stable and not so stable time loops. Mostly unstable, really. These guys are way too dumb to maintain even elementary looping stability for more than a couple iterations.

If you weren't so preoccupied, Clover could tell you that you could use Crowbar's help to pry anything out of a time loop, stable or otherwise.

If you weren't so preoccupied, and if he weren't so dead! Hee hee hee!


25/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Stitch mutters to himself in his shop. He guesses Eggs and Biscuits are roughhousing again, because the fabric of spacetime is tearing something fierce on Lord English's CAIRO OVERCOAT. This sort of thing is exactly why he keeps a BACKUP COAT, and always leaves Stitch with one of them.

Any gang does well to have an in-house doctor on hand. But if you deal in time travel you better have a damn good tailor too.


25/01/10
"[I] HB: Call Spades for backup."



You tell Slick to get his scrawny ass to the vault. It's goddamn bedlam down here. You tell him you asked Deuce for backup but surprise surprise he's nowhere to be found. Big surprise, you tell him. You tell him that was sarcasm. He says he knows.

Slick says he'll be right there. He'll see if he can round up Droog for support.


25/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Droog says Deuce is tailing Fin, while he is tailing Deuce. He'll be there to help out Boxcars as soon as he and Deuce take care of business with Stitch. Couldn't be simpler.

Oh yeah, he also mentions he pumped Fin full of lead so you can cross him off the list. You roger all that.


25/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Fin busts into Stitch's workshop blubbering something about watching out for the little guy who's about to come in here. He says to watch out because he's got a bomb on his head which is undoubtedly quite volatile and even the slightest spark would surely set it off.

Stitch sees Fin's obviously in pretty bad shape, and checks his EFFIGY. Sure enough, the thing's in tatters. But he should be just fine if it can be patched up before he bleeds to...


25/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Death.

8/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD


26/01/10
"[I] CD: Burst in thrusting bull penis cane."



Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty.


26/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Stitch says drop the livestock knob and settle the hell down.

He says you do realize C4 is a stable explosive and won't detonate with gunfire, right?

You say oh.


26/01/10
"[I] DD: Sneak into Stitch's boutique."



Drop it and get in.

Don't bleed on the suits.

Stitch says huh?


26/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You admit the thought of carrying an imprisoned tailor wherever you go is gratifying for personal reasons.

But in this case keeping him alive should be useful in dealing with English later.


27/01/10
"[I] HB: Prod idiots with Red Cheeks."



This predictably accomplished nothing!

Taking your smut out of hiding turned out to be a very bad idea. Now copies from the future are appearing left and right and these clowns have their paws all over it.

SLICK WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU


27/01/10
"[I] SS: Remove Crowbar's pin."






27/01/10
"[I] ==>"






27/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Crowbar's alive again. And a whole bunch of other stuff is different.

You forgot this gang almost seems halfway competent when he's running the show.

The good news is you get to kill him again.


28/01/10
"[I] SS: Insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin."



You have no idea how much you'd like to. But even you're not that crazy.

Still, kinda tempting.


28/01/10
"[S][I] ==>"






28/01/10
"[I] ==>"



Everyone always ceases gunplay when Snowman's around.

If you kill her you destroy the universe.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Remove knife from eye."



It's not a knife. It's Snowman's CIGARETTE HOLDER.

All you know is she's gonna have a hell of a time getting it back.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Give it to Sawbuck."



You chuck the LANCE at Sawbuck.

But of course it's only a fleshwound. Seems like that's the only sort of wound you can ever inflict on the corpulent lummox.

Consequently you and he both jump to a random point on the timeline. This looks to be in the recent past, when Stitch and Crowbar were setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight. Which was very thoughtful of them.

Your goons should be showing up any minute with the heavy firepower. For now you've got the drop on everybody.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Kill something out of rage and frustration."



Stitch gets the business end of your SABER RATTLE. He's dead. In this timeline at least.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Bring knives to the gunfight."



Where do you think you're going, fatty?

You'll deal with him in a minute.

You whip out your DOUBLE EDGED SWORD and OCCAM'S RAZOR.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Occam's Razor. Crowbar's head. Make it hapen."



Crowbar deflects the KING OF SPADES into Sawbuck's unmissable carriage. You jump far into the past.


29/01/10
"[I] Years in the past..."



Which is to say the present, for the time being...

A SCURRILOUS STRAGGLER eyes impromptu desert skirmish.

He dismisses them as a bunch of ill-mannered rogues warranting no further investigation. Although he gives a small nod of approval to the plain and serviceable HAT worn by one of the combatants which strikes him as an absolutely smashing display of good fashion sense.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Hit Crowbar in the head."



You can't kill him yet. You need him alive to return to the original timeline.

You will be taking that CROWBAR though.


29/01/10
"[I] SS: Stuff him in your deck of cards."



You cram him in the WAR CHEST.

Sawbuck you need to keep alive too, for the moment. Not to return to the right timeline, but the right time.

Speaking of which, where's tubby think he's waddling off to.


30/01/10
"[I] SS: Just go stab Sawbuck until the time shenanigans stop"



You treat him to a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE.

You appear in the future. You guess this is after the gunfight is over. The gunfight that never took place since you killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to be involved. Looks like only Boxcars is here.


30/01/10
"[I] SS: Carry Sawbuck like Titan Atlas would carry the world"



You order Hearts to drop his tub on the double before this fat lard puts you in a wheelchair.

If you take Sawbuck back to your own time and kill him there, that should save you the trouble of hunting him down. Might as well take Stitch too.

Maybe. You're not really sure if that's how it works. You don't really care though.


30/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You dump them in the WRATHTUB, then stick the tub in your own DECK OF CARDS.

But you give Boxcars back his sordid literature, which he'd carelessly left in plain sight. No one will ever catch you leaving your smut around. And even if you did, that copy of TERRIER FANCY MAGAZINE could belong to ANYBODY. No one could prove nothin'.


30/01/10
"[I] SS: Stick Crowbar's pin back in again."



You go back to your original timeline.

But now, stuffed in your chest you've got a live Crowbar from another timeline. Brought to the timeline where he's supposed to be dead... so you guess now he's alive in this timeline which is in part defined by his death? Ok, whatever. You should probably just kill him again anyway.

Also Sawbuck from another timeline is in there too. So you guess now there are two Sawbucks? This is getting kind of dumb.


30/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You open the chest releasing them both. Crowbar doesn't look too pleased.


30/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You deflect his gunfire into the awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth.

Everybody into the past!


30/01/10
"[I] ==>"



You dodge his next round too.

It seems Sawbuck from this timeline (i.e. the "real" Sawbuck) was in this room at this point in time. He and Crowbar exchange bullets. Off they go.

They no doubt go on to spend the rest of their ammunition peppering each other throughout the timeline, destroying all these clocks in the process between now and the present. You guess that explains the mess when you got here. Thank God you figured that out. You'd have surely lost sleep over it.

20/107 CLOCKS REDESTROYED. FOR THE FIRST TIME. EVENTUALLY... YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND.


01/02/10
"[I] SS: Take a moment to think up some time-based one-liners"



Ok you think you got one.

Time travel sure can be a...

DOUBLE EDGED SWORD.




Wait, that was awful. Really really bad. You're sure you can do better than that.


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Let's see... sorry to... no... time's running... no wait... fuck.

You ask yourself from the past for a little help. Time's... something about time. Time being up. No wait, how about some kind of clock pun. No, dammit, will you just listen. You were almost onto something. Time... time is...

Screw this. Too many cooks in the kitchen.

Oh and just what does this quivering mound of blubber think he is up to?


01/02/10
"[I] SS: Stab first, utter puns later."



Just as you hear your past self asking what happened to your eye, you jab Sawbuck with your BUTTERFLY EFFECT KNIFE. You remember a little while ago asking yourself about your eye, and not giving yourself an answer just before disappearing. Maybe if you stopped and thought about it for a second, you could have warned yourself and avoided the whole mess, albeit in the process of creating a paradox. But your strict policy of stabbing first and answering questions later prevented it. You're sure your past self understands/understood. You are sure of this because you very clearly remember understanding/understooding.


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



You are now Past Spades Slick... again.

You were just about to pull Crowbar's pin. You guess all that stuff with your future self and Sawbuck originally happened in this room while we were all off watching someone else, like Diamonds Droog or something. That makes sense.


01/02/10
"[I] PSS: Remove Crowbar's pin."



A whole bunch of shit happens that we already saw.


01/02/10
"[I] PSS: Be Future Spades Slick."



Being your future self is a lot more constructive because you get to do stuff you haven't already done.

Looks like you're in the future. It's a bloody mess in here. The clocks are more bullet-riddled than ever. And it seems Crowbar and both Sawbucks have been decapitated. You're almost certain this is something you will be, or were already, responsible for. Which of course means more time traveling.

Looks like the tub and chest are gone. Which means future-you must have packed up and left already. Got to take note of these sorts of things so you know where you are in the timeline.

You notice something on the wall over there...


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



One of the clocks that wasn't destroyed before is now bloodied and full of holes.

Not especially noteworthy. You just have a feeling you should register this fact.

108/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED


01/02/10
"[I] SS: Quickly remove lance from Sawbuck."



You pry the CIGARETTE HOLDER from his torso. Whoops, another time jump.

This tub of goo keeps going for his gun. Widebody's gotta settle his big ass down.

You really should incapacitate him without inflicting another wound.


01/02/10
"[I] SS: Knock Sawbuck unconscious."



COUNT SOME SHEEP BITCH

Wait... the clock on the wall...


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



It hasn't been destroyed yet.

But it's about to be. It's ticking down to the time it's stuck on in the future.

Maybe if you time it just right, you can end this whole mess in one fell slice.


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



You've even got an ice-cold one-liner to dish out when the time comes. You've been working pretty hard on it.

Wait for it... wait for it...

Hate to cut and...

Wait, no. Not yet.

Wait for it...

Hate to... no.

Wait...

Hate to cut and DAMMIT. Not yet.

Hate to cut and run.

...

SHIT.

Hate to...

Hate to...



01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Hate to chop all of your heads off with this sword. Real sorry about that. My bad.

You slay them all with your RAPIER WIT.


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



9/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD

2/9 GREEN TORSOS DEADENED TWICE

1/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT IT'S AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE TORSO, SO YOU GUESS MAYBE IT DOESN'T COUNT(?)

7/108 CLOCKS GRATUITOUSLY REDESTROYED


01/02/10
"[I] ==>"



You grab the tub and chest and move on. That is ALTOGETHER ENOUGH of this nonsense.


02/02/10
"[I] DD: Call Spades."



You check up on Slick's status. Slick says he killed Crowbar again, Sawbuck twice, and Stitch once. You ask him if it was an alternate timeline Stitch. He says he guesses so. You say that doesn't count. You've got the real one here. He mutters some foul language you can't quite make out, but you tell him never mind and hurry down to meet you at the vault.

He says he took some damage from Snowman. You say you know. You're having some EFFIGIES made of yourselves with your BACKUP HATS. Deuce brought Slick's crumpled BACKUP HAT which he wound up with somehow. Not sure what happened to Deuce's. Boxcars is obviously tied up at the moment, so you can't get your hands on his yet.

Slick says he's got both their HATS and he'll be down ASAP. You say alright. He says in the meantime see what you can do about this eye.


02/02/10
"[I] DD: Have Stitch patch up SS's effigy."



Get to work, threadmonkey.


02/02/10
"[I] SS: Have right eye patched up."



DAMMIT.

Your sprite was flipped the wrong way.

You get Diamonds on the radio and tell him to undo it and wait until you're turned around. He says it's the right eye, right? Were you facing left or right? You say it's only right when facing left. It's the left eye when facing right. He says oh, so it's the left-right eye. You say yeah, but hang on a minute, you'll turn around so it's right-left. He says ok, he'll wait.


02/02/10
"[I] ==>"



That's better.


03/02/10
"[I] SS: Arm yourself, in case Cans shows up."



If Cans shows up, none of these weapons you've got are going to do any good.

You admire the LANCE for a moment. It's a pretty sweet weapon with outstanding craftsmanship. At least you got something out of the eye-gouging. She'll have to pry this thing from your rigid severed arm if she wants it back.


03/02/10
"[I] SS: Ride around on horse hitcher pretending to joust."



YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...


03/02/10
"[I] ==>"



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOHSHIT.


03/02/10
"[I] ==>"






03/02/10
"[I] ==>"



You can't BELIEVE she saw you horsing around like that. You will never live this down.


03/02/10
"[I] DD: Shoot up biscuit and eggs's effigies."



Stitch keeps their EFFIGIES in a big warehouse several miles away because of their ridiculous duplication tendencies.

You're sure as hell not going to drive all the way over there, so you just shoot at them in person.


04/02/10
"[I] ==>"



This was such an unbelievably terrible idea.


04/02/10
"[I] ==>"






04/02/10
"[I] SS: CHARGE!"



This is incredibly delirious biznasty.




04/02/10
"[I] ==>"






05/02/10
"[I] SS: Start whacking things with the crowbar."



The first thing you whack is Eggs's EGG TIMER.


05/02/10
"[I] ==>"



You do this because of course you know that Crowbar's CROWBAR will destroy any temporal artifact and completely negate its effect on the timeline.


05/02/10
"[I] ==>"






05/02/10
"[I] HB: Attempt to eat Eggs."



Your attempt was an overwhelming success.


05/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Biscuits is looking a tad snug in his muffin tray.


05/02/10
"[I] ==>"



He thinks it's about time to poke a broomstraw in this battle. His dough will live to rise another day.

SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE, SUCKERS!!!!!


05/02/10
"[I] SS: Crowbar. Biscuits' oven. Make it hapen."



You deal the oven a wicked flogging but not much happens.

The oven doesn't really have any magical time properties to be negated. It just travels into the future at a rate of one second per second, like everyone else.


05/02/10
"[I] CD: Put dynamite in oven."



You set the bomb to go off in a few seconds, when both it and Biscuits are released from it in a few hours.


05/02/10
"[I] CD: Turn up heat on Biscut's oven."



You're pretty sure this oven doesn't actually work at all.

You just wheel it off somewhere else in the mansion so it can explode in peace.


05/02/10
"[I] ==>"



12/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD

PROBABLY SOME MORE CLOCKS DESTROYED TOO


06/02/10
"[I] SS: Use crowbar to pry the safe open."



Since your expert safe cracker apparently spent the last five or six hours being totally useless down here, you figure it's time to take things into your own hands.

Huh? What's this little fella all worked up about?


06/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Clover insists that you reconsider! Using that to pry open the vault would be EVER so much bad luck! Like breaking a thousand mirrors all at once! The sort of mirrors that tick and have numbers and tell time and stuff. That is the worst kind of mirror to break, luckwise.


06/02/10
"[I] SS: Politely ask Clover to remain calm."



He refuses outright and starts doing a really frisky jig!

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

He begins spinning a fanciful series of riddles illuminating the true path to opening the vault. Mysterious music fills your ears as your mind assumes the shape of a pretzel.

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

This is how the music would sound if we were listening to it right now.


06/02/10
"[I] DD: Ask Clover for the ultimate riddle."



You ask Clover to open the safe.


06/02/10
"[I] ==>"



What's this? Hee hee! You think you can shoot Clover? He is so lucky the gun will probably jam or something predictable like that. Nice try though!


06/02/10
"[I] ==>"



You just start whacking him with a newspaper instead.

You don't have to be all that unlucky to get whacked around with a newspaper. It's sort of a gray area.


07/02/10
"[I] DD: Check personal ads of periodical."



This isn't a real newspaper. It's just a wrapper for your private sordid literature, which no one can ever see.

Uh oh, it's slipping out a bit. Your appetite for MONOCHROME BEAUTIES is nearly on public display. Gotta keep a lid on that smut! Especially with Clover around.


07/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Suddenly the whole vault room is shaking. You wonder what it could be.

It sounds suspiciously like Cans is about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. You pray to God that it is not Cans about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.


07/02/10
"[I] ==>"



All of a sudden Cans plows through the wall Kool-Aid Man style.


07/02/10
"[I] DD: Resist urge to shout "Oh Yeah!""



Oh No!


07/02/10
"[I] ==>"



He punches you into next week.

You find yourself going about your business a week later. Looks like you're doing a little grocery shopping.

You're a bit confused, having no memory of the previous week. You have no idea what is on your grocery list. Are you out of milk?? What kind of produce do you need to stock up on??? It is all a little overwhelming.

And to make things worse,




07/02/10
"[I] HB: Use Eggs' body as bait for Cans."



You flail the torso Cans-ward in an attempt to placate him with the red meat.


07/02/10
"[I] ==>"



It doesn't work!!!

Cans clocks Boxcars entirely out of the current calendar year. You land in a totally different outdated calendar.


07/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Looks like this one's themed with SPIRITED HORSES. You'll be up to your ass in horses for a whole year. Just great, this is just what you need to be doing. Farmin' all these goddamn horses. Fuckin' pain in the ass.


08/02/10
"[I] SS: Ignore him and just pry the safe open."



You don't care what the consequences are. You're going to crack open this safe and be done with it.

This whole intermission was starting to get a little punchy anyway.


08/02/10
"[I] ==>"



The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transports you to a highly unfavorable timeline. Looks like the entire mansion was leveled, except for the vault and its enclosure. Everyone's dead except for you and you know who.

But at least the safe's open.

1000/1000 CLOCKS DESTROYED

14/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD

3/4 BLACK SCOFFLAWS OFFED


08/02/10
"[I] SS: Enter the vault."



There's nothing in here except an opening in the floor. There is a door with a keyhole, and you have a feeling you know how to open it.

You only wonder why English's treasure would be locked behind a door with a spade on it.


08/02/10
"[I] SS: Dramatically use the spade key."



You guess this is what the SPADE KEY was for all this time. You dramatically wield the SPADE KEY in a matter of fact manner.


08/02/10
"[I] SS: Peek inside keyhole."



What KEYHOLE? It was clearly a BARCODE SCANNER all along. Like the kind they sweep groceries over at supermarkets. That reminds you, you should really do some shopping next week.

You're not going to peek inside because the lasers could blind you in one eye. OH WAIT


08/02/10
"[I] SS: Use rules card for blackjack."



This was never a problem because there is clearly a barcode printed on your RULES CARD FOR BLACKJACK.

As well as your arm. But there's nothing wrong with a little redundancy you guess.


08/02/10
"[I] SS: Get on with it."



Huh?


08/02/10
"[I] ==>"






08/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Oh are you looking for this well come and get it you contemptuous she-witch.


08/02/10
"[I] ==>"



Snowman's BLACK INCHES no doubt have been responsible for more than a few RED CHEEKS.


08/02/10
"[I] ==>"






08/02/10
"[I] ==>"






08/02/10
"[I] ==>"






09/02/10
"[I] SS: Flip your sprite."






09/02/10
"[I] SS: Scan the barcode."






09/02/10
"[I] ==>"






09/02/10
"[I] ==>"






09/02/10
"[I] ==>"



This guy again?

Been a long time.


09/02/10
"[I] ==>"






09/02/10
"[I] yeah you"






09/02/10
"[I] ==>"






09/02/10
"END INTERMISSION."






09/02/10
"[S] ACT 4 ==>"



MAP


10/02/10
"In a future settled askance of the present..."



Collateral desecration mars the sacred/illicit.


10/02/10
"==>"






10/02/10
"==>"






10/02/10
"==>"






10/02/10
"==>"






10/02/10
"==>"






10/02/10
"==>"






11/02/10
"In the mystic ruins of an era pre-desecration..."



An ancient TIME CAPSULE has blossomed. You find nested in its petals a juice-stained SBURB BETA once belonging to one of your friends.

What will you do?


11/02/10
"Jade: Take the discs."



You captchalogue the SBURB BETA. It uneventfully tucks itself into your sylladex.

You think you're getting kind of bored with this fetch modus. You like to mix it up now and then.

Maybe you'll peruse your selection and try out another one.


11/02/10
"Jade: Switch to Jenga modus."



You swap your modus to JENGA, ejecting your sylladex in the process.

Looks like the TIME CAPSULE has reset itself. It is sprouting a new bud. Presumably something else will come out when it blooms again in about 400 years.

Too bad you won't be around to find out what it is!


11/02/10
"==>"



Your modus grabs the 18 cards needed to set itself up. It divides each card into three CAPTCHALOGUE BLOCKS.

You begin picking up your items. The item is captchalogued, chopped into three blocks, and distributed randomly into the block tower.


11/02/10
"==>"



You gather up the rest of your items. Might as well try it out!

You go for all the blocks containing your TANGLE BUDDIES.

Careful... careful...


11/02/10
"==>"






11/02/10
"Jade: Switch to Pictionary modus."



Yeah, that one's obviously not going to work.

You switch to PICTIONARY, a choice based on a strong whim from the mysterious ethers of democracy.


11/02/10
"Jade: Try out new Pictionary modus."



Ok, you start by trying to grab your LUNCHTOP.

After you ditch an unwelcome solicitor first, that is.

You've got to concentrate here!


12/02/10
"Jade: Draw Lunchtop."



You draw a really nice looking Squiddle lunchbox on the CAPTCHALOGUE SCRIBBLEPAD.


12/02/10
"==>"



The modus recognizes what you were trying to draw and snaps it right up. Nice going!


12/02/10
"Jade: Captchalogue the beta."



Look at these fabulous beta envelopes you just drew!

Your sylladex thinks they are fabulous too!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


12/02/10
"Jade: Quick! Random scribbling!"



You do a very quick doodle of nothing in particular.

The SCRIBBLEPAD appears to be processing the shapes.


12/02/10
"==>"



Is that...

Is that Charles Dutton?


12/02/10
"==>"



Since you do not actually have a DUTTON PHOTO lying around, the pad captchalogues a DUTTON PHOTO GHOST IMAGE. It is not a tangible item, and can never be used ever. It seems to be more of an imprint on the card itself, like a watermark.

However, the back of the card does seem to contain a viable CAPTCHA CODE for a real DUTTON PHOTO, for whatever it's worth.

Which is very little.


12/02/10
"Jade: Draw a pumpkin."



You sketch a beautiful, succulent PUMPKIN, knowing perfectly well that a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE will be captchalogued, because you are quite sure there is not a PUMPKIN in this room, and there surely never will be.


12/02/10
"==>"



You captchalogue a PUMPKIN GHOST IMAGE.

At least you have the CAPTCHA CODE for it on the back in case you ever want to replicate a real one.


12/02/10
"==>"



oh nooooooo


12/02/10
"Jade: Get the rest of your items."



You start by drawing your TANGLE BUDDIES.

But... it looks like it's having trouble understanding the shapes?

Darn! You wanted those!


12/02/10
"Jade: Captchalogue bass on card with Dutton ghost image."



It's not up to you to say what card it goes on! The modus decides! All you get to do is draw.

Anyway you try sketching your ECLECTIC BASS. It's kind of hard to draw accurately.


12/02/10
"==>"



No, that's just a ghost image of an ordinary bass. That's not right.

You try again, focusing on getting all the mechanical details just right.


12/02/10
"==>"



ARGH!


12/02/10
"==>"



OH NO BUSTED.

The jig is up.


12/02/10
"==>"



You are returned to your bedroom without the rest of your loot. You doubt you'll have time to go back and get it. You guess you have inadvertently left your own time capsule there for whatever party may find it in the future. Lucky bastards!


13/02/10
"Jade: Install Beta."



You get started installing both discs. Might as well get a jump on it to avoid the sort of future drama that results from poor time management decisions.


13/02/10
"Jade: Pester chums."



In the meantime you decide to touch base with your pals.

Ugh, no, not those pals. The TROLLSLUM can just sit tight for now.


13/02/10
"John: Pester Rose."



|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: rose?
EB: are you there?
EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.
EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?
EB: let me know ok.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

GG: john hi!!!!!
EB: hi jade!
EB: guess where i am.
GG: are you on the ground below the clouds yet?
EB: yeah!
EB: wait how did you know that's where the gate goes...
EB: did you talk to rose? can she still see me while im down here?
EB: she won't answer.
GG: no i havent talked to her yet but id like to soon
GG: ive got a lot of catching up to do with all of you!
GG: sorry ive been so scarce ive just been so busy running around like crazy and looking after my dog and stuff all day!!!!
GG: i think he just locked me in my room actually :\
EB: oh man.
EB: he sounds like such a handful.
GG: yeah
EB: but it's ok, i think he is mostly just looking after you.
EB: like a guardian angel or something.
EB: if i were you i would take him out behind the woodshed and give him a big hug.
GG: :D
GG: hey john can you hold on i have to talk to dave and start playing this game with him
EB: oh? what game?
GG: sburb!!!! duh what else!
EB: what, i thought you didn't even know what sburb was!
GG: oh jeez i was asleep when i said that silly!
GG: of course i know what it is
EB: oh ok.
EB: where did you even get it?
GG: from the ruins
GG: its daves copy
EB: wow.
EB: the thing you just said doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense.
GG: i know right! hehehe
GG: oh!!!!
GG: that reminds me since im setting the game up with dave to be his server you are going to need to do the same thing for me
EB: oh really?
EB: this is news to me.
GG: can you see from where youre standing the place your dads car would have fallen?
EB: oh yeah, i think so. it'll be kind of a long walk though, this place is huge.
GG: you should go there and get your copy of the server and set up with me.....
GG: oh and also get your package!!!!!! :)
EB: okay.
EB: wait, how did you know my dad's car fell down here?
GG: johhhhn will you stop trying to trap me!!!
GG: you TOLD me the car fell remember?
GG: jeeeez
EB: jeeeeeeeeeeez!
GG: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!
EB: ok fine well color me suspicious anyway.
EB: miss knowitall mcpsychicpants.
GG: john im not any more psychic than you though
EB: ok sure i am convinced.
EB: you have convinced me.
EB: (PSYCHIC PSYCHIC PSYCHIC)
EB: also i told you the package was in the car but i never mentioned that the game was there too.
EB: so kind of totally busted i guess.
EB: GIVE ME A P
EB: GIVE ME AN S
GG: hahahaha oops ok!
GG: i mean i know lots of things but im really serious its no more information than what you have access to
GG: but you dont know it yet
GG: anyway we can talk more about it soon.....
GG: i wont have to be so coy with you anymore because im pretty sure most of the stuff that was supposed to happen has already happened
GG: i couldnt tell you about it because it would have messed it up!
EB: ok, that is fair.
GG: just give me a few minutes while i set up this game!
GG: and say hi to the salamanders for me
GG: <3


13/02/10
"==>"



oh shiiiiit


13/02/10
"Dave: Pester Rose."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: hey
TG: will you open your laptop already
TG: see
TG: this is why you need a phone or something
TG: that alerts you to important messages
TG: instead of leaving them trapped
TG: under three inches of fucking yarn
TG: laptops dont need cozies
TG: nothing needs cozies
TG: cozy is a goddamn adjective
TG: maybe ill crochet myself an iphone snuggly
TG: what is this place anyway
TG: what are you doing
TG: i can see your whole damn house here if you want to get filled in or something im sort of the guy with the big picture here
TG: dont make me bop you on the head with a wizard
TG: ill do it
TG: ok no i wont
TG: yet
TG: i guess ill bone up on the faq for a while
TG: so i dont do anything stupid and deploy like 10 crux flangers and fuck up the whole game
TG: oh my god
TG: so many words
TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something
TG: damn
TG: i cant read this shit im sorry

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: yo yooooooo!!!!!!!
TG: whoa ok hey
GG: so youre finally playing the game with rose?
TG: yeah
TG: but she wont answer me
GG: shes probably just exploring im sure she will come around soon....
GG: but its great that you got her out of there in time!!!
TG: pretty much you have no idea how much i fuckin own at this game
TG: i bested no less than three flaming tornados and broke a huge wizard
GG: so how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO
GG: mister braveybrave mcheropants
TG: it feels like
TG: i am in sports
TG: all alone
TG: and i am the star
TG: its me
TG: and then the big man comes
GG: hehehe
GG: but it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of basket ball this man plays!
GG: ummmm......
GG: the HOOP IS ON FIRE...
GG: ok i forget how it goes
TG: no you got it
TG: we're good
TG: reference secured
GG: yes!!!!!!
GG: so now it is my turn to be the star!
GG: i will be your hero
GG: its me
TG: wait what
GG: i installed the game!
GG: im connecting to you as the server player
TG: oh man
TG: this is ridiculous
TG: i just set this shit up with rose and now i got to do like
TG: some double duty thing
TG: i mean i own at the game and all but cant i just relax for half a second
GG: dont worry!
GG: you can keep playing with rose while i just set up a few things
GG: i figured id get a good head start to avoid all the drama you guys are always getting into
GG: such a bunch of drama queens!!!
TG: what
TG: look i was getting my ass handed to me by my bro on the roof for like an hour and a half
TG: i got served like a dude on butler island
GG: (DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA)
TG: wait does this mean theres a big meteor coming soon
GG: yes!
TG: when you activate the thing will it start the countdown and summon the meteor
GG: itll come when it comes regardless of what we do
GG: the timer really just lets you know when its coming
TG: are you totally sure about all this
GG: yes look here it is!
GG: http://bit.ly/d7kXrQ
TG: ok yes that image is definitely conclusive proof of something and is 100% understandable by anyone who looks at it
TG: how big is this thing
GG: it is REALLY REALLY big
TG: like the size of rhode island or texas or what
TG: i need some context to know how much crap i should be shitting into my pants
GG: ok i dont actually know :(
TG: well as if like one the size of a bus wouldnt kill me anyway
GG: hehe yeah....
TG: wait hold on rose is finally opening her stupid laptop
TG: so do your thing i guess
TG: have fun
GG: thanks i will! <3


14/02/10
"John: Answer troll."



|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

CG: HEY JOHN.
CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN.
EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
EB: how did you find me?????
CG: FIND YOU?
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.
EB: i changed my chum handle to ditch you guys.
EB: how did you find me?
CG: OH.
CG: HA HA!
CG: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
CG: THIS IS THE LITTLE WORD HUMANS SAY REPEATEDLY WHEN SOMETHING TICKLES THEIR ABSURDITY PALATE, RIGHT?
EB: uh...
EB: lame.
CG: WE NEVER LOST YOU.
CG: YOUR RUSE DIDN'T FOOL US.
CG: IT JUST SO HAPPENS WE DIDN'T PARTICULARLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TALKING TO YOU IN THAT TIMEFRAME.
EB: what, the last few months?
CG: WE HAVE THE ENTIRE CONTINUUM OF YOUR EXISTENCE TO CHOOSE FROM WHEN CONTACTING YOU.
CG: THE PERIOD WAS UNREMARKABLE.
CG: SORT OF LIKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. BUT I GUESS I MEAN IT WAS ESPECIALLY UNREMARKABLE.
CG: THIS HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU SO OFTEN IT WOULD MAKE ME SICK TO MY HUMAN STOMACH IF I HAD ONE OF YOUR HUMAN STOMACHS.
EB: ok, this time i'll believe you that you aren't human.
EB: because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin i guess.
EB: but you're still a major asshole and i don't actually want to talk to you, so bye.
CG: WAIT.
CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TROLL YOU THIS TIME.
CG: WE'RE FRIENDS OK?
EB: hahahahahaha!
EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying!
EB: from my human mouth!
CG: FINE YOU CAN THINK I'M A FUCKING DOUCHE AND MAYBE I AM BUT HERE'S THE FACT, IDIOT.
CG: I'VE ALREADY HAD LOTS OF CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU.
CG: IN THE FUTURE. I MEAN YOUR FUTURE.
CG: I'VE KIND OF BEEN WORKING BACKWARDS HERE FOR A WHILE.
CG: AND IT'S A LITTLE FRUSTRATING.
CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK YOU KNOW LESS AND LESS, AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I SAID BECAUSE IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.
CG: AND I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF A LOT.
CG: AND I'M GETTING PRETTY FUCKING SICK OF IT.
EB: that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard.
CG: WELL IT'S NOT LIKE I MAPPED OUT THIS TROLLING ONSLAUGHT VERY WELL IN ADVANCE.
CG: I MEAN, WHEN YOU TROLL SOMEONE YOU JUST SORT OF DO IT. YOU DON'T START DRAWING FLOWCHARTS AND DIAGRAMS AND STUFF.
EB: wait...
EB: you have something to do with this game, don't you?
EB: i should have known.
CG: OH GOD.
CG: NOT AGAIN.
CG: NO, FUCK NO, I AM JUST NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU AGAIN.
CG: YOU'LL GET PLENTY OF DIRT ON ALL THIS FROM ME IN FUTURE CONVERSATIONS.
CG: TEDIOUS CONVERSATIONS.
CG: ONES I'VE ALREADY HAD WITH YOU.
CG: WHERE YOUR DEMEANOR WILL GRADUALLY BECOME INEXPLICABLY AND REVOLTINGLY FRIENDLY TOWARDS US.
CG: AND SO I GUESS IT JUST WAS KIND OF INFECTIOUS AND NOW WE'RE ALL BUDDIES I THINK.
CG: IT'S REALLY WEIRD.
CG: THIS HUMAN EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP.
EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts.
CG: SEE, THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
CG: YOU'RE MUCH MORE TOLERABLE A GUY THAN I THOUGHT AT FIRST, OK JOHN?
EB: why are you kissing my ass?
EB: what do you want? why don't you just tell me what's going on.
EB: are you in the medium?
CG: OK, FINE. YES WE ARE.
EB: like, here in this land, with the clouds and oil and stuff?
CG: MORE OF THIS NARCISSISM.
CG: YOU ALWAYS THINK EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU.
CG: WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DUMB LITTLE WINDY PLANET OR YOUR PETTY LITTLE QUESTS.
CG: OR FOR THAT MATTER YOUR ENTIRE GAME SESSION.
CG: YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONES PLAYING THE GAME.
CG: EVERY GROUP OF PLAYERS GETS THEIR OWN DISTINCT, BLANK SLATE SESSION.
CG: AS WILL BE EXPLAINED TO YOU MANY TIMES.
EB: so why don't you just explain it again so i know...
EB: so i don't ask so much in the future???
CG: NO.
CG: FUCK THIS SHIT, JUST NO.
CG: I'M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I'VE SAID IT ALL TOO MANY TIMES.
CG: AND BECAUSE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.
CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB.
EB: wow, yeah you're totally not trolling me, bro!
EB: i see now we are bffs forever.
CG: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DUMB
CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN ANIMOSITY IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.
EB: oh, ok.
EB: so what do you want.
CG: I NEED YOU TO TELL YOUR FRIEND JADE TO TALK TO US.
CG: SHE WON'T ANSWER OUR MESSAGES IN THIS TIMEFRAME.
CG: IT'S IMPORTANT.
EB: yeah, i don't blame her for not answering.
EB: she pretty much can't stand you guys.
EB: because of all the trolling you did before.
EB: remember?
CG: OK, OUR BAD ON THAT.
CG: JUST TELL HER WE'RE SORRY.
CG: AND TO GET HER GROSS AND TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE HUMAN BUTT OFF HER UGLY HUMAN HIGH HORSE AND ANSWER MY MESSAGES.
EB: maybe.
EB: we'll see.
EB: i'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet.
EB: but i've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests.
EB: so talk to you in the future i guess.
EB: jerkface.


14/02/10
"John: Search for your father's car."



It's going to be a hike.

There's something up ahead through the forest.


14/02/10
"WV: Settle this dispute in a rational, diplomatic manner."



You settle the dispute in the only way you can presently imagine how to settle a dispute. With cans of lukewarm sugary liquid and centuries-old rations.

If only you had access to some means of heating things up.

But it matters not. You warm yourselves in the glow of this human emotion called friendship.


15/02/10
"==>"






15/02/10
"Jade: Deploy alchemiter."



It's almost as if this broken AIR CONDITIONING UNIT was scaled to be a perfect fit for the ALCHEMITER all along.

WEIRD!


15/02/10
"Jade: Deploy cruxtruder in Dave's room."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something
TG: damn
TG: i cant read this shit im sorry
TT: Hold please.
TG: hold what
TG: i see you at your computer typing
TG: what are you doing
TG: dang
TG: hold on
TG: no seriously stop talking to me for a second it looks like jade is dropping the doomsday tube thingy in my room
TG: brb gotta make sure she doesnt break all my shit


15/02/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: hey wait
GG: these darn birds are in the way!
GG: what are they doing in your apartment anyway!!!
GG: also they are adorable
TG: i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing
GG: ohhhhhhh
GG: kind of like all those silly naked puppets are your bros thing?
TG: no no thats irony this is like
TG: sincere honest to god psychosis
TG: im training to be a lame gothy supervillain
GG: also i think i cant put it down because of the wires on the floor.....
TG: ok
TG: well maybe you should take the opportunity to put it somewhere that isnt stone cold retarded
GG: i wish i played more games
GG: this is hard!!!!
TG: no its not
GG: :P


15/02/10
"Jade: Move Dave's bed to the roof."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Jade is connected with you?
TT: Where did she get the discs?
TG: i dont know how does she do any of the loopy batshit nonsense she does
TG: maybe she pulled them out of the volcano over there on bloodmonkey mountain
TT: Wait.
TT: So you mean to tell me she was able to connect with you in a timely fashion, without waiting until you were on the brink of annihilation?
TG: we went over this
TG: i was a little bogged down
TG: in the epic swaddle of legendary puppet taint
TT: I've done nothing but wait for boys to play this game with me all day.
TT: First John lollygagging with the client, and then you with the server, downright filibustering my existence with unending fraternal melee.
TT: And yet a girl, one who didn't even own the game, was able to connect with you minutes after you connected with me.
TG: whoa wait
TG: what the hell is she doing
TG: shes taking my bed what the hell
TT: And there she goes.
TT: She HAS the karma.


15/02/10
"Jade: Deploy the cruxtruder in its place."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: so seriously what were you doing just now
TT: I was talking to someone.
TG: who
TT: You remember the trolls?
TG: yeah
TT: One of them messaged me, so I indulged him/her/it for a moment.
TG: oh i see you opted to chat up one of those dbags instead of talk to the guy who saved you from a swirling shitstorm of angry flaming wizards
TG: i was worried your priorities might have been out of whack but no i was dead wrong
TT: I also took a moment to check on John.
TG: how is he
TT: I can't see him anymore. Just his empty house.
TT: But I did talk to him briefly.
TG: i should probably text him soon
TG: see whats up
TG: because
TG: i love him
TT: I know.
TG: so this place youre at now
TG: its the same place hes at right
TT: It's hard to say for certain.
TT: But I think I like it here.


16/02/10
"Jade: Replace television with totem lathe."






16/02/10
"Jade: Organize Dave's puppets."



This whole place is a disorganized mess. It kind of reminds you of your room but full of weird and ironic stuff instead of cute and great stuff. Your stuff is so much better.

You're pretty sure these are all Dave's BRO'S puppets. You better not mess with them. Frankly his brother makes you a little nervous.


16/02/10
"Jade: Tidy up Strider's apartment a little."



What the apartment needs is a woman's touch. You grab a TOWEL you found lying around and dampen it with water from the toilet. This is how ordinary people clean ordinary houses, right?

Oops, you dropped it.


16/02/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: oh fuck!!!!!!


17/02/10
"[S] ==>"






18/02/10
"AR: Cautiously drink TAB."



Blech. Too warm. Need to find something to chill this down with.

Something to heat up your delicious GRAVY would be nice too.


18/02/10
"AR: Retrieve mysterious artifacts from ruins."



You excuse yourself for a moment and retrieve a few of your personal belongings. These should really impress your visitors.

That musty old toy on the floor ought to make a nice peace offering for the feisty tall one too. You are quite certain that ladies like squishy useless things like that.


18/02/10
"WV: Introduce new friends to John."



The yellow bandaged fellow seems to have slogged off somewhere. But the tall mail carrier with the lovely white complexion would probably get a kick out of your big computer with the weird boy on it.

You show her inside.


18/02/10
"==>"



The hole blown into the the station by the caution guy's rocket leads into the third room, which had been locked.

Unsurprisingly there is another sort of gizmo in here and you have no idea what it does.

The station is very low on power so you don't think you'll be able to find out.


18/02/10
"==>"



You unlock the third room from the inside, and go to the computer room.

There he is! The funny boy you were talking about. His name is John.

You encourage your alabaster friend so say hi to him using the human keypad communication system.


18/02/10
"==>"



But instead she takes note of your nice chalk drawings and pays you a compliment.

You are somewhat mystified by the fact that she is be more impressed by your silly drawings than your amazing technology.

Maybe simple things are the key to the heart of a lady. You do not know because you do not know anything about ladies really. They are a riddle draped in a mystery wrapped in post-apocalyptic shroudwear.


18/02/10
"==>"



You decide to give her the chalk. She is grateful for the colorful present and thinks it looks like fun.


18/02/10
"==>"



Suddenly a powerful aroma hits your nonexistent nostrils. Someone is cooking something delicious. It demands investigation.


18/02/10
"==>"



You stop and examine the kind mayor's device. It is quite similar to the one in your station, before the unfortunate accident. The one with the familiar looking girl on it. Perhaps this one is best left alone.

Still, there is something familiar about the boy on this monitor too.


18/02/10
"I am told your name is John. Is that correct?"



Yep. That's right.


18/02/10
"It's nice to meet you, John."



John isn't directly cognizant of your greeting, but I'm sure he would feel likewise.


18/02/10
"Ok, John. Let's explore this place!"



Ok, have at it! If you're at a loss, click the controller button up there.

This may or may not mean anything to you depending on your current perspective.


18/02/10
"This is great! Something is in there. Take a look."



You got a MINITABLET!


18/02/10
"There is nothing inside. Should we put something in?"



You drop in one of your precious SHOES. You hate to see it go, but you have to follow the custom and give it what the tablet asks for.


18/02/10
"This one's empty. Perhaps a delivery is in order?"



Same with this one you guess. At least this HAT didn't technically belong to your DAD. You made it yourself.


18/02/10
"Introduce yourself to the local amphibious fauna."



"I am a secret wizard. Behold my robes."

Behold robes?

Y/N


18/02/10
"Y"



You wonder what the hell a secret wizard is. You don't think you'll ask him for your bedsheet back.


18/02/10
"Hooray! This one contains a prize!"



You got an UNCARVED MINITABLET!


18/02/10
"Open it! Open it!!!"



You got a CHISEL.


18/02/10
"How exciting! A parcel for you. Retrieve it!"



You got a CHUNK OF...

Why am I repeating myself?


18/02/10
"Converse."



He has renamed himself Crumplehat. He has dishonored his ancestors beyond comprehension with this frivolous accessory.


18/02/10
"A good place to keep lookout?"



|SPRITELOG|
JOHN: nanna, are you there?
NANNASPRITE: Yes!
JOHN: i just saw my house from below. what gives? why did the gate take me down here?
NANNASPRITE: All the gates do, John. To ascend, each time you must first descend!
JOHN: huh. alright. so i guess i scramble around down here until... uh, until what?
NANNASPRITE: Until you find the next gate. It is hidden somewhere in the Land.
JOHN: ok, so i get to that gate and go in. then what? where does it take me? uh... further up maybe? but i haven't even built that high yet.
NANNASPRITE: So you see why you had to build in the first place, John? You must have a little faith in your dear old nanna!
JOHN: yeah, well, i do nanna but i'm still not really getting it. does the next gate down here take me back up to the house or something?
JOHN: (please don't say hoo hoo hoo)
NANNASPRITE: HOO. HOO HOO.


18/02/10
"Seer."






18/02/10
"Seer, can you hear me?"



Apparently she can.

Though usually she goes by Rose.


18/02/10
"Have a look around, Rose."






18/02/10
"You have much to discover."






19/02/10
"John: Go over the river and through the woods."






19/02/10
"==>"






19/02/10
"Jade: Drop the toilet in Dave's room."






19/02/10
"==>"






19/02/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen
TG: the thing that just happened
GG: hi dave!!!!
TG: jesus
TG: and the worst thing is
TG: all that juice i drank
TG: i mean
TG: you just HAD TO FIGURE all that juice was going to come back to haunt me
TG: like frankensteins incontinent fucking ghost
TG: it was like
TG: chekhovs juice
GG: hehehe what??
TG: let me be perfectly clear
TG: what i am trying to say is
TG: its like fucking christmas up in my bladder here
TG: and where do i find my toilet
TG: oh look here it is
TG: amputated in my room
TG: gagged with a towel like a fucking prison hostage
TG: and now the cruxploder is counting down
TG: 4 hours oh i guess thats not that bad
GG: 4 hours until what?
TG: what
TG: oh god
TG: are you asleep


19/02/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: ummm....
GG: i................
GG: i think i might be!
TG: ok
TG: ok lets just
TG: not panic here
GG: im not panicking i feel fine!
TG: lets try to play it cool
TG: and not break all my shit
TG: also dont put anything weird in the seizure kernel
TG: im going to go find somewhere to pee
TG: dont watch me ok
GG: <_<;
TG: like i know you dream about me enough already
TG: lets keep some shit left to the imagination ok
GG: i wont look ok jeez!!!!!
TG: the last thing i need is for your weird brain webcam to be snapping shots of my dong
TG: your grandpa was a sick fuck why would he build a voyeurbot for a little girl
TG: fuck
GG: stop being a huge baby and go peeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!


20/02/10
"Dave: Use now empty apple juice bottle as pee receptacle."



You begin to hatch a brilliant plan.


20/02/10
"==>"



Once you're done you'll captchalogue the bottle and send the code to Egbert and tell him it's something really important. Then he'll make it and be like, oh man yes apple juice I am so thirsty!!!


20/02/10
"==>"



But he will not be drinking delicious juice, oh no. He will be choking down a world of hot piss and it will serve him right for liking all those dumbass movies unironically.


20/02/10
"==>"



But that all sounds like a big waste of time so you just go in the shower.


20/02/10
"Dave: Kick that puppet out of the shower."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
GG: :(
GG: dave
TG: what
GG: :(
TG: what is it
GG: dave this poor bird
TG: what bird
GG: the one with the sword through it!!!
TG: i wouldnt know anything about that
GG: but isnt this your sword?
TG: that could be anyones sword
GG: :|
TG: what does it look like
TG: is it a cheap piece of shit
TG: cause i only bother with high quality blades
TG: forged by stoic asian masters
TG: hells of rude kinds of expensive
GG: all i know is........
GG: its sharp and its through a bird and its a sword
GG: end of story!!!!!!
GG: i am going to help the poor bird
TG: wait
TG: what do you mean
TG: dammit hold on a minute


20/02/10
"Jade: Retrieve Dave's copy of Sburb and the impaled crow."






20/02/10
"Jade: Put something weird in the seizure kernel."






20/02/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: wow awesome
TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing
TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole
GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!!!
GG: isnt he great?
TG: we need to wake you up
TG: youre not very logical like this
TG: kind of dumb really
GG: gosh im SOOOO SOOOORRY!!!!!!!!
GG: i was tired!
TG: yeah but come on you sleep like 20 hours a day
GG: well you are out of luck.....
GG: i will wake up when im good and ready!


20/02/10
"Jade: Wake up."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: where are you sitting
TG: are you on your bed
GG: yes why
TG: what side
GG: ummmmmm....
GG: the right side...
GG: why??
TG: ok heres what i want you to do
TG: just humor me
TG: raise your left hand
GG: okaaay......
TG: now
TG: just kind of swat the air to your left
GG: ...


20/02/10
"==>"






21/02/10
"AR: Use gunpowder and empty crates to make a campfire."






21/02/10
"==>"






21/02/10
"AR: Win over that fine carapace in grey."






21/02/10
"==>"






21/02/10
"==>"



You are vaguely reminded of something. It's hard to remember. It was so many years ago.


21/02/10
"So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique..."






21/02/10
"==>"



What have we here? An illegally parked vehicle.

You sure hope this guy's got a swollen porkhollow. He just landed himself in citation city.


22/02/10
"AR?: Surround the scene with caution tape."



This looks much more orderly. Public safety has been assured. Your sworn duty as an AUTHORITY REGULATOR has been upheld.


22/02/10
"AR?: Write the owner of this vehicle a ticket."



Hello. What have we here?


22/02/10
"==>"



You discover a couple of UNAUTHORIZED PARCELS in the cabin of the vehicle. You confiscate them immediately.


22/02/10
"==>"



You are a simple PARCEL MISTRESS on one of your routes. Today is another day of uneventful but highly satisfying deliveries.


22/02/10
"==>"



You stop in your tracks. It is a dangerous AGENT from the enemy kingdom. Perhaps you should avoid him.


22/02/10
"==>"



But you notice he is holding two parcels. You recognize one of them. You have spent a long time looking for it.

It looks like you are going to need to get that package from him somehow.


22/02/10
"John: Activate ghost gloves."



Sons of bitches are harder to kill than you thought they'd be.


22/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"



The giclops absconds.


23/02/10
"==>"






23/02/10
"==>"



You could have sworn that strange man was holding your copy of Colonel Sassacre's.


23/02/10
"WV, PM, AR: Stargaze."



It is a clear and peaceful night. A delicious meal has been shared with new friends. The glow of the ammunition fire gradually subsides. All is well.

But you can't shake the feeling there is something familiar about all this. There is something you are forgetting.


23/02/10
"==>"



Of course. Now you remember.

You must deliver a message to John right away.


23/02/10
"==>"



WOMEN.


23/02/10
"PM?: Retrieve package."



You conclude you have no choice. You will march right up to him and ask politely for the package.

Wait a minute...

What's this?


23/02/10
"==>"



It is a carved MINITABLET.

The carving is not especially clear to say the least. But your wealth of delivery experience allows you to decipher it immediately.

It is the other parcel the agent is holding. It appears you will need to acquire both from him now. It is your sworn duty.


24/02/10
"PM?: Ready sword."



You do not have a sword. You are quite sure it would never occur to you to carry a sword or resort to violence under any circumstance.

You will have to take a more diplomatic route with this fellow.


24/02/10
"AR?: Doff your hat to the attractive female."



You doff so furiously you are in danger of starting a HAT FIRE.

Probably not the best idea around all this oil. Especially without any sort of flame suppressant handy.


24/02/10
"PM?: Retrieve both parcels."



He cannot give them to you. They are ILLEGAL CONTRABAND, and if you wish to petition for their release, you must consult with his superiors.


24/02/10
"==>"



You show him the carved MINITABLET. As he can plainly see, you have signed authorization to deliver one of the parcels.

He gives you the ENVELOPE. But he retains the PACKAGE.


24/02/10
"==>"



You quickly drop the ENVELOPE into an empty PYXIS. It is out of your hands now. THE BREEZE will know where to take it.


24/02/10
"==>"



You follow the agent. You must not lose track of that parcel.


24/02/10
"John: Chase the man, you want your book!"



You have some questions for that guy, whoever he is.

But the village is still burning. You've got to help these salamanders put out this fire.


24/02/10
"John: Save the lizards!"



Ok you JUST SAID they were salamanders.

Anyway, thank goodness for your BARBASOL BOMB. The cooling lather should work its magic in no time...


24/02/10
"==>"



OH GOD HOW CAN SHAVING CREAM BE SO FLAMMABLE


24/02/10
"==>"



A big gust of wind conveniently comes along and blows out all the fire.

It is really convenient.


24/02/10
"==>"



The townspeople rejoice and are more than willing to give you all the credit. You suspect it is probably because they are not all that smart.


25/02/10
"John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved."



Why yes, it appears you do.


25/02/10
"Great! I would like you to carve something on it."



You seem amenable to this request. It's a little wobbly up on top of all these dancing lizards though.

Not that it matters because you suck at drawing anyway.


25/02/10
"Rose, find your sprite."






25/02/10
"Your deceased pet."



JASPERSPRITE is nowhere to be found. He always was a little cagey, even when he was alive.


25/02/10
"Is it not why you are here?"



Someone is pestering you. But you are oblivious to the message because your laptop is buried under three inches of fucking yarn.

There are footprints in the white sand.


25/02/10
"Follow them."



It looks like they lead out back to the mausoleum.


25/02/10
"Examine your pet's tomb."



The mausoleum was destroyed by the explosion. The secret passage remains.

You have no idea where it leads, but it sure isn't the lab anymore.


25/02/10
"Enter."






25/02/10
"==>"






25/02/10
"==>"



It seems someone has recently untied a boat.


25/02/10
"A mother will do whatever is best for her children."






26/02/10
"WV: Become the mayor of Exile Town."



You build a bigger and better town to preside over. All expatriates are welcome, no matter what happened in the past, regardless of professional persuasion or metallurgical affiliation. You cut the town's ribbon with an official JUDICIAL BAYONET, which is stuck inside a grenade but you are kind of nervous about removing it.

This should catch the eye of the tall nice lady.

The grumpy yellow guy thinks this is dumb.


26/02/10
"==>"



He thinks it is dumb because any town without a proper militia is as good as conquered.

As such he prepares one begrudgingly. It's a dirty job, but someone must be charged with the defense of the innocent.


26/02/10
"WV: Fondly regard desert night."



The stars twinkle over the freshly christened EXILE TOWN. It is a beautiful evening and the future is so full of promise you can't imagine what could possibly oh my god a huge eggy looking thing just appeared in the sky.


26/02/10
"==>"






27/02/10
"Jade: Give Dave punch card of an eggy loking thign [sic]."



Ok, you do that and then he makes a totem with it and then some other stuff happens and then...




27/02/10
"Dave: Pester Jade."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: oh man
TG: awesome
TG: its awesome where you put that
TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done
GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh
TG: well where are they
TG: you say there will be stairs
TG: and yet
TG: i see no stairs
GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!!!!!!!
TG: sorry
GG: ;p
TG: am i supposed to break that thing
TG: or hatch it
TG: or what
GG: i dont know!
TG: also what happened to all my shit
TG: the stuff scattered all over the roof
TG: did you put it somewhere
GG: nope....
TG: i mean not that i care
TG: it was a lot of mostly useless garbage
GG: what was it doing up here?
TG: i was going to use it to fight my bro with
TG: but i guess i forgot in the heat of battle
TG: also he was too fast


27/02/10
"Dave: Make the world's largest omlette."



Whoops, looks like that dumb idea isn't going to happen!

A brainless feathery asshole swoops down and carries the egg away.


27/02/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok so
TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass
TG: please advise
GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!
GG: awww
TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours
GG: hmm...
GG: i dont know it looks like its pretty warm where you are
TG: its hot as the sizzle side of the steak
GG: maybe not too long then????
GG: i guess we'll find out!
TG: maybe i should try to get it back
TG: and put it in the microwave
GG: :(


27/02/10
"==>"






28/02/10
"Jade: Deploy Punch Designix."



You can't! You'll need some SHALE for that.


28/02/10
"Jade: Check unknown objects."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for!
TG: you mean the jumper block thing
GG: no no weve got enough for that.....
GG: but its still pretty expensive
TG: wait what
TG: the thing costs 1000 for me
GG: yeah me too!
GG: and we have 2000 to work with
GG: ok 1998 ._.
TG: what
TG: man i only got 200 to splash around with in roses rainbow world
TG: what the hell
GG: ohhh...
GG: how much did rose start with? when she was playing with john?
TG: hang on ill ask
GG: k
TG: she says 20
GG: i guess we keep getting more with each server/client connection!
TG: yeah
TG: so i guess you can buy everything now
GG: no!!!!
GG: i cant buy the holopad thingy and the intellibeam laserstation
TG: ok now i know youre making this shit up
GG: hahahaha no theyre right here!
GG: they cost a fortune
TG: well all i got here is the designix which i cant deploy cause i dont have any purples
TG: and the expensive as hell jumper thing and the cheap shunts which i assume do dick all without the jumpers to put em on
TG: oh also this cd which is 100 but i didnt drop cause it seemed like a stiff allocation of resources for now
GG: yeah ive got that too!
GG: i will deploy it
TG: so with each new connection in our player chain i guess new weird deployables are introduced
GG: yes i think that is how it works
GG: when john connects with me he will probably get some cool new things too!
TG: hey look we're learning stuff


28/02/10
"Jade: Deploy green and white compact disc."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: what should i do with these beta copies
TG: i dont really need them anymore
GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while........
GG: and then later
GG: just do whatever you are naturally compelled to do with them!
TG: wow that was a weird answer
TG: but ok


28/02/10
"==>"



You take the BETA and the CD.


28/02/10
"Jade: Deploy circuit board looking thingy."



It was obviously labeled as the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.

It appears to be deployable only as an extension to the ALCHEMITER. Looks like you're going to have to move it.

Damn, and it looked so nice up there!


28/02/10
"==>"



You expend another relatively affordable 100 BUILD GRIST to relocate it.


28/02/10
"==>"



You then pay the steep fee of 1000 BUILD GRIST to deploy the JUMPER BLOCK EXTENSION.


28/02/10
"Jade: Attempt to deploy catchalogue disk drive."



Again, the name of the thing was right there in plain sight.

You deploy the PUNCH CARD SHUNT for peanuts.

Looks like a captchalogue card is supposed to fit in the slot.


28/02/10
"Dave: Insert card with the CD on the slot."



You put the card in the slot and stick the shunt on the jumper pins.

Nothing happens. You might need to stick a punched card in there, probably allowing the holes in the card to affect the flow of current through the circuits. And to punch cards you'll need to get a designix somehow.


28/02/10
"Dave: Insert disc into computer."






28/02/10
"Dave: Install software."






28/02/10
"==>"



GRISTTORRENT is now running.


01/03/10
"Dave: Illegally pirate some of John's shale."



You start leeching off John's SHALE at a pace of 4 g/s.

Not the fastest download rate, but then again you don't need a whole lot. In one second you already collect enough for a PUNCH DESIGNIX.


01/03/10
"Dave: Download a bunch of grist from John. He has plenty."



You set the application to leech off John's BUILD GRIST because he's obviously got too much for his own good.

It cuts the download rate in half though.


01/03/10
"You guide the Heir. Consult with him."



|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

EB: rose?
EB: are you there?
EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.
EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?
EB: let me know ok.
TT: I guess one could use those words to describe it.
TT: If armed with a predilection for the inapt.
EB: bluh bluh bluuuuuhhhhh.
EB: ok, what words would you use, miss wordypants mcsmartybluh.
TT: Eerily iridescent?
EB: umm...
TT: I certainly don't see any oily rivers.
TT: There's an ocean though.
EB: i haven't found an ocean yet.
EB: but i dunno, the place is really big.
EB: it's like a whole planet down here.
EB: oh man, which reminds me.
EB: i just got hounded by a troll.
TT: Yes, one of them is bugging me now.
TT: I thought it was odd timing.
EB: yeah well, they say they want to be friends, also they're playing sburb but like not the same session as ours or something.
EB: oh also they're moving backwards in time, which sounds really retarded, but whatever.
TT: Color my curiosity piqued, I guess.
EB: yeah, i guess answer him if you want. or not.
EB: but anyway, it's great you made it here alive and stuff!
EB: so dave came through?
TT: Eventually.
TT: Pardon the envy I'm about to vent in your direction.
EB: for what?
TT: For finding yourself at the mercy of a rational orchestrator.
EB: oh, haha.
EB: yeah, i'd feel kinda weird if dave was watching me too.
TT: You don't feel weird when I watch you?
EB: rose i feel weird when you're just TALKING to me, when you're watching me it's just like the weird frosting on the big weirdo cake.
TT: I can't see you now, for what it's worth.
EB: yes i'm freeeeeeeeee :D
EB: ok, i'm going to go over this river and through these woods.
EB: you talk to your troll i guess.
EB: we'll compare notes later.
TT: Ok.
TT: Bye, John.


01/03/10
"Who is this bothering you?"



|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GC: H3Y L4LOND3
GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3
GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R
GC: H3H3H3H >8D
TT: Now I'm confused.
TT: On the surface, this appears to be another contrivance from a troll desperate to offend.
TT: But John said you wanted to be friends.
TT: And if you knew me, I suppose your remark could be construed as a ploy to elicit agreement.
TT: And soon, rapport.
TT: Not that it would actually work.
GC: GOD
GC: YOU R34LLY DO T4LK TOO MUCH
TT: So which is it?
GC: OOOOOOOOOH
GC: YOUR T3XT SM3LLS GOOD
GC: 1S TH4T L4V3ND3R
TT: You smell words?
GC: YOU DONT???
TT: Right. Aliens, I forgot.
GC: Y3S 1TS 34SY TO FORG3T
GC: G1V3N OUR "R4PPORT"
GC: 4ND HOW MUCH W3 R34LLY H4V3 1N COMMON
GC: 1 FORG3T TH4T YOU HUM4NS 4CTU4LLY COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH SP33CH 1NST34D OF R3L34SING CLOUDS OF FR4GR4NT G4S3S
GC: 4ND SM3LL1NG 3ACH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S
TT: Gross.
GC: 4H4H4H4 SO GULL1BL3
GC: YOULL B3L13V3 4NYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU
GC: OF COURS3 W3 T4LK DUMMY >8]
TT: Still not sure if I'm being courted or trolled here.
GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO W1TH TH3 LATT3R
GC: 1 H4T3 YOU 4LL QU1T3 4 LOT
GC: BUT 1 TH1NK
GC: TH3 OTH3RS W1LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 TH4T 1TLL B3 MUTU4LLY B3N3F1C14L FOR US 4LL TO WORK TOG3TH3R
GC: 4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON
TT: By later on, you mean now?
GC: Y34H
GC: TH4TS PROB4BLY WH4T JOHN W4S H34RING
GC: 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY
GC: BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R
GC: 3V3N 1F 1 S33M H3LPFUL
TT: Then you're in luck.
TT: Because you don't.
GC: H3H3 NO BUT 1 W1LL BE
GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3LPFUL
GC: 1S 4N 1MMUT4BL3 F4CT 1 4M ST4T1NG FOR TH3 R3CORD
GC: 1T DO3S NOT M34N FR13NDSH1P 1S WH4T 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 H3R3
TT: John was told you were moving backwards through time.
TT: Was he gullible to believe this?
TT: Or is the fact that I'm asking just further indication of my own gullibility?
TT: Feel free to continue shifting the definition of the word to suit your convenience.
GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N B33N T4LK1NG TO YOU FOR LONG
GC: L1K3 4 F3W M1NUT3S FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3
GC: 1F TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 OF US WHO D3C1D3D TO ST4RT T4LK1NG TO YOU 4T TH3 3ND OF YOUR 4DV3NTUR3 R1GHT OFF TH3 B4T
GC: 1NST34D OF 4T THE B3G1NN1NG L1K3 WH4TS LOG1C4L
GC: TH3N TH4TS TH31R STUP1D BUS1NESS
GC: 1M ST4Y1NG L1N34R
GC: C4US3 W31RD T1M3 STUFF G1V3S ME A H34D4CHE
GC: OH 4LSO 1TS PO1NTL3SS
TT: Alright, let's continue milking my human gullibility and say I believe you. You're the sensible one who's decided to communicate with us in linear lockstep with our timeline in order to help us out.
TT: How can you help me?
GC: YOU JUST 3NT3R3D YOUR M3D1UM R1GHT
TT: Yes.
GC: OK
GC: DO3S 1T S33M L1K3 TH3R3 1S A SUBTL3 VO1C3 1N YOUR H34D URG1NG YOU TO DO TH1NGS
TT: Yes.
TT: It's not so subtle, actually.
GC: Y3S!!!!!!! >8O
GC: FOR M3 TOO 1T W4S MOR3 LOUD 4ND CL34R TH4N FOR TH3 OTH3RS
GC: YOU S33 W3 4R3 M34NT TO B3 B3ST H4T3FR13NDS FOR3V3R
TT: A beautiful soulgrudge this cosmic was surely authored by the constellations.
GC: TH3Y 4LL THOUGHT 1 W4S CR4ZY
GC: BUT H4H4H4 1T TURN3D OUT W3 4LL W3R3 1N OUR OWN W4YS
GC: TH4T H3LP3D US R34LIZ3 TH3 P4RTICUL4R D3ST1N13S THE G4M3 PUT TOG3TH3R FOR US
GC: 1N TH3 VOC4BUL4RY OF L1K3
GC: TH3 HYP3R FL3XIBL3 MYTHOLOGY 1T T41LORS TO 34CH PL4Y3R GROUP
TT: You mean, for instance...
TT: If a player were to learn she was a "Seer"?
GC: Y34H 3X4CTLY! S33R OF M1ND P4G3 OF BR34TH KN1GHT OF BLOOD M41D OF T1M3
GC: 3TC 3TC 3TC
GC: 12 FOR US BUT OBV1OUSLY 4 FOR YOU
GC: 3V3RY S3SS1ON 1S D1FF3R3NT
TT: And this voice?
GC: OH Y34H
GC: 1TS 4N 3X1L3
TT: Exiled from what?
GC: 1T TOOK US FOR3V3R TO F1GUR3 TH1S OUT
GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3NT M34NT TO B3 4N OBV1OUS 4SP3CT OF TH3 G4M3
GC: TH3YR3 ON YOUR D34D PLAN3T
GC: JUST L1K3 TH3YR3 ON OURS
GC: Y34RS 4FT3R 1TS R3CKON1NG
GC: TH31R ROL3 1S TO H3LP YOU ON YOUR QU3ST 1N SOM3 W4YS
GC: TH3 OBV1OUS W4Y 1S BY D1R3CTLY GU1DING YOUR 4CT1ONS
GC: BUT M4YB3 TH3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT W4YS 4R3 TH3S3 L1TTL3 TH1NGS TH3Y DO PROB4BLY W1THOUT 3V3N R34L1Z1NG 1T
GC: 4CT1ONS TH4T COMPL3T3 LOOPS 1N TH3 T1M3L1NE
GC: COGS 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3
TT: Paradox space?
GC: OH H3LL
GC: L1ST3N TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1LL 34T P4R4DOX3S FOR BR34KF4ST
GC: 4ND SO W1LL TH1S G4M3
GC: G3T US3D TO 1T
GC: BY NOW YOU SHOULD R34L1Z3 TH1S WHOL3 M3SS W4S 4 B1G S3LF FULLF1LL1NG CLUST3RFUCK
GC: A HUG3 ORG14ST1C MOB1US DOUBL3 R34CH4ROUND
TT: I'm starting to see that.
TT: So the exiles are on Earth? Does that mean our goal is to get back there too? To resurrect it somehow?
GC: NO NO NO
GC: S33 1RON1C4LLY TH3Y G3T TO DO TH4T
GC: 4FT3R TH3YR3 DON3 H3LP1NG YOU TH4T 1S
GC: YOUR JOB 1S OF GR34T3R CONS3QU3NC3 TO S4Y TH3 L34ST
GC: BUT P4RT OF TH31R JOB 1S TO R3BU1LD L1F3 4ND C1V1L1Z4T1ON TH3R3
GC: 4ND 1F TH3YR3 SUCC3SSFUL 1N THOUS4NDS OR M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS TH3 T3CHNOLOGY 1S UN34RTH3D 4ND TH3 PL4N3T 1S R1P3 FOR S33D1NG 4LL OV3R 4G41N
TT: You never answered the question. Where were they exiled from?
GC: FROM TH3 TWO K1NGDOMS 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3
GC: 3XP4TR14T3D DUR1NG TH3 R3CKON1NG
GC: FORM3R 4G3NTS
TT: What are agents?
GC: 1 TH1NK
GC: TH1S W1LL B3 MOR3 CONSTRUCT1V3
GC: 1F 1 CONT4CT YOU 4G41N 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3
GC: WH3N YOU KNOW MOR3
GC: 4ND 1 DONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N SO MUCH
TT: When?
GC: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS
GC: FOR M3
GC: BUT NOT FOR YOU
GC: SUCK3R

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --


02/03/10
"Meanwhile, the past pulls a mean double reacharound..."



|PESTERLOG|
ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!
GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D
GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.
GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.
GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged!
GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!
GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.
GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)
GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!!
GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!
GT: oh man.
GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.
GT: ARGH.
GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!
GT: ok well i hope so.
GG: <3......
GG: uhhhh hold on

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.
CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.
CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.
GG: what do you want?????
CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.
CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.
GG: this is nonsense
GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!!
GG: its so childish
CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.
CG: I GET THAT.
CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU.
CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.
CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.
CG: THAT'S PAST ME.
CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?
GG: D:
GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all.....
GG: its another prank
CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK.
CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.
CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.
CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.
CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?
GG: no
CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.
CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?
GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?
GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions???
CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.
CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.
CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.
GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!!!!!!
CG: QUIET.
CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.
CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
GG: why should i do that?
CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.
CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.
CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: ok im back sorry
GG: i had to tell someone to go away!
GT: oh god.
GT: the trolls again?
GG: yup :o
GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.
GT: it seems like there are so many.
GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.
GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!!
GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy
GG: i have counted twelve
GT: what do they want with us!!!
GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john
GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!!
GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.
GG: but i think they are mostly harmless
GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe
GT: oh wow, what? years??
GT: ok, well i am sick of them.
GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.
GT: so...
GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.


02/03/10
"==>"






02/03/10
"==>"



The package from your pen-pal appears again. You've been wondering when it was going to show up. It has been months since you last worked on it!

Hopefully your friend has made the final modifications you require. You'll have to mail it soon so it reaches John in time!


02/03/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

GC: H3H3
GT: uuuuugh
GC: H4H4H
GC: H3H3H3H3
GT: ?
GC: LOL!
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
GC: >:]
GT: well
GT: i guess you're not too bad a troll if this is all you do.
GT: just laughing and stuff.
GC: H33H33H33!!!!
GC: H4H4H4H4
GT: hehe
GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GT: hehehehehehe
GC: JOHN
GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL
GT: uh...
GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3
GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY
GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T
GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T
GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --


02/03/10
"==>"



You think it's time to change your chumhandle.

To what, though...

Gotta be something they'll never suspect. What was that thing she said you were a disgrace to? You have kind of a hard time reading shitty leetspeak in spite of your awesome hacker cred.


02/03/10
"==>"






03/03/10
"PM?: Follow the agent."



You have followed the AUTHORITY REGULATOR into enemy territory. It is a risky move and this dark palace makes you very uncomfortable. But it is imperative you press on and recover that parcel.

You have brought along a PARKING CITATION. If confronted, you will say you are only here to deliver payment and leave.


03/03/10
"==>"



You have no idea where you're going. You are too nervous to ask anyone.


03/03/10
"==>"



You take a turn somewhere and find an especially regal looking red carpet. You wonder where it could possibly lead.


03/03/10
"==>"






03/03/10
"==>"






03/03/10
"==>"






03/03/10
"==>"



The BLACK QUEEN directs you to the office of the ARCHAGENT. He is in charge of most of the tedious paperwork around here.


04/03/10
"Rose, I must leave now."






04/03/10
"This is the last you will hear from me."






04/03/10
"==>"



You return to a more typical mindset. You suddenly feel empowered to make important decisions on your own without supervision. Parental or otherwise.


04/03/10
"Rose: Sip martini thoughtfully."



Such as this one.

Just a tiny sip couldn't hurt...


04/03/10
"==>"






04/03/10
"Fourth Exile: Suddenly appear."



A WINDSWEPT QUESTANT suddenly appears.


04/03/10
"==>"






04/03/10
"==>"






04/03/10
"PM: Command John to put the carved tablet into a pyxis."



You follow the command telling you to command John to put the carved tablet in the pyxis and type, "John, put the carved tablet into the pyxis."

You successfully do that, and he successfully does that too. Everyone is friendly and cooperative.


04/03/10
"==>"



What the hell was that???

It almost sounded like a huge egg appeared in the sky and landed, and then someone mysterious teleported out of it.


05/03/10
"PM?: Locate the Archagent."



You find the agent's office. But he is nowhere to be found.

You eye something on the desk there.


05/03/10
"PM?: Grab the box and run!"



If you act quickly enough maybe you can grab the package and get out of here before CAN I HELP YOU


05/03/10
"==>"



Mr. Noir tells you that ticket had better be notarized and punched in triplicate and presented with the full boondollar penalty plus processing fees, or you are wasting valuable time he could otherwise spend shirking his clerical duties.


05/03/10
"==>"



Ticket? Oh, this thing. Ha, ha, look at that, you are holding a ticket. How did that get in your hand? It belongs on the desk with the others. No, you are not here to pay a parking ticket.

You explain to the frightening man that you are here to pick up that green parcel.


05/03/10
"==>"



Jack makes it clear he would rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight. Also any legit courier would have the pickup forms ready to go. In spite of how he's supposed to be dressed now but isn't, he ain't nobody's fool.


05/03/10
"==>"



But perhaps an UNDERSTANDING can be reached.

He gives you a HIT LIST.


05/03/10
"==>"



Bring him the crowns. He'll give you the box.


06/03/10
"Jack: Examine package."



The PARCEL MISTRESS departs with her mission of double agency. You wonder if she'll actually be so foolish as to attempt to uphold her end of the lopsided bargain. You make a policy of handing out a REGISWORD and a HITLIST to just about everyone who enters your office. But you never think anyone's actually going to GO THROUGH with it.

You wish you could watch. She's a deadwoman.

You wonder why she's so desperate to acquire this package. What could be inside?


06/03/10
"Jack: Open it."






06/03/10
"Dave: Punch some cards."



You've leeched more than enough grist from John to afford a PUNCH DESIGNIX, which for some reason Jade put in the hallway making it kind of hard to walk through your apartment, but whatever. You also have plenty of grist for messing around with the ALCHEMITER to manufacture some new gear if you want. But you'd like to figure out what the JUMPER BLOCK does first.

Jade keeps dropping a weird assortment of objects for you to captchalogue and punch. You've given up trying to identify any rhyme or reason to the thought process behind it.


06/03/10
"Dave: Put a punched card in a shunt."



You put the punched BLENDER card in a shunt just for the hell of it, and stick it on the jumper pins.


06/03/10
"==>"



The ALCHEMITER is fitted with the BLENDER UPGRADE.

This upgrade doesn't seem all that useful. Looks like all it does is grind up your totems.


06/03/10
"Dave: Use a punched Gamebro Magazine card."



The ALCHEMITER is upgraded with a huge metal bust of this awesome bro.

The device has been reduced to an utterly useless heap of shit.

Time to yank out all the shunts and start over.


06/03/10
"Jade: Draw the punch designix."



Your inscrutable thought process leads you to draw the PUNCH DESIGNIX on your SCRIBBLEPAD.


06/03/10
"==>"



The pad recognizes the drawing, but there is no designix around, and even if there was, it would obviously be way too big to captchalogue.

Instead, the GHOST IMAGE of the designix is captcha'd, along with its captcha code on the back.


06/03/10
"Jade: Send the code to Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
GG: dave here punch this code!
GG: L229BxoG
GG: and then put it in the jumper shunty thing and see what it does
TG: ok


06/03/10
"Dave: Punch code and put it in the jumper shunty thing."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix
TG: which is sort of cool i guess
TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card
TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place
TG: but then i have to go downstairs anyway to make totems and get cruxite and stuff
TG: so really who cares
GG: well i think this is only one way to consolidate all the gizmo features....
GG: hang on ill give you more codes!!!


07/03/10
"Jade: Draw the holopad."



You don't have nearly enough grist to deploy the HOLOPAD, whatever it does. But maybe you can get it as a freebie upgrade to the alchemiter.


07/03/10
"==>"



Looks like it worked! You love your scribblepad.


07/03/10
"Dave: Upgrade alchemiter with holopad."



The totem pedestal is converted into a holographic projector. It projects an image of the item the punch code represents.

This seems useful for previewing an item a code will produce, without spending the grist on it. You test it out with the blender card.

But it still renders the alchemiter unusable. At least without further upgrades.


07/03/10
"Jade: Draw the totem lathe."



You captcha the lathe ghost image and apply the upgrade.

Now the holopad projects a hologram of the totem that a punch card will create!

This appears to turn the alchemiter into a one stop-shopping hub. You just punch a card, stick it in, and get your item. Nice!


07/03/10
"Jade: Draw the jumper block."



You get the code for the jumper block extension to upgrade the alchemiter with... uh... the jumper block extension?

Ok that's kind of a crappy drawing but it seemed to work anyway.


07/03/10
"Dave: Upgrade."



This is getting a little abstract.

But it appears to economize on space. Now all you have to do is stick a card in a slot to apply an upgrade. Don't have to bother with the shunts anymore.


07/03/10
"Jade: Draw the intellibeam laserstation."



This thing looks kind of complicated.


07/03/10
"==>"



DAMMIT!


09/03/10
"Dave: Captchalogue enlarger."



You grab the ENLARGER from your dismantled photography lab.


09/03/10
"Dave: Upgrade."



You apply the ENLARGER UPGRADE.


09/03/10
"Jade: Draw air conditioner on roof."



You ghost-captcha the huge air conditioner and give Dave the code to mess around with.


09/03/10
"Dave: Make air conditioner unit."



Size of the object you make is now variable. The bigger, the more expensive, as one would expect.


09/03/10
"==>"



You make a tiny AIR CONDITIONER.

This was totally not a waste of time!


10/03/10
"John: Find the car."



You find your father's car near the base of the rock pillar. It is surrounded by caution tape for some reason. You are reminded to be cautious.

You cautiously inspect the vehicle. To no one's surprise but yours, the package and the game are missing.

Someone is bugging you.


10/03/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N
EB: who?
EB: oh, that's right...
EB: the leetspeaking blind one.
EB: go away!
GC: JOHN DONT M4K3 FUN OF MY H4ND1C4P
EB: which one, the blindness or the leetspeak.
GC: 1 4M S3NS1T1VE 4BOUT BOTH
EB: sorry.
GC: YOU C4N M4K3 1T UP TO M3
GC: BY L3TT1NG M3 H3LP YOU
EB: wow, you drive a hard bargain!
EB: but nooooooooooooo.
GC: B3FOR3 YOU K33P TYP1NG MOR3 STUP1D O'S 1N TH4T WORD
GC: JUST L1ST3N 4ND DO WH4T 1 S4Y
GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO 3V3NTU4LLY 4NYW4Y
GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 4 N1C3 GUY 4ND K1ND OF 4 TOT4L W33N13 PUSHOV3R
EB: yeah, well you're a huge...
EB: oh man, whatever, what do you even want.
GC: 1M MOT1V4T3D BY S3LF 1NT3R3ST
GC: TO H3LP YOU 4DV4NC3 MOR3 QU1CKLY
GC: B3C4US3 1V3 GOT YOUR WHOL3 ADV3NTUR3 R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF M3
EB: do you have a braille screen or something?
GC: SHHHHHHHH!
GC: 4NYW4Y TH3 PO1NT 1S
GC: 1TS LONG AND BOR1NG
GC: 4ND YOU COULD ST4ND TO SK1P SOM3 ST3PS
EB: i don't really understand.
EB: so you can "see" my whole future there, right?
EB: by just like, scrolling around on some computer thing that lets you pick what time to talk to me?
EB: how can you be bored by my long boring future, why don't you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing?
GC: OK 1 C4N DO TH4T
GC: 4ND 1 4M
GC: 1 GU3SS WH4T 1 R34LLY M34N 1S
GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO M3SS W1TH YOU
EB: oh ok, that sounds really great and helpful!
GC: 1 M34N M3SS W1TH TH3 T1M3L1N3
GC: MY FR13NDS 4LL TH1NK TH4T YOU C4NT R34LLY CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG
GC: TH4T YOUR T1M3L1NE W3'R3 CH4T-HOPP1NG 4ROUND 1S S3T 1N STON3
GC: NO M4TT3R WH4T W3 S4Y OR WH3N W3 S4Y 1T
GC: 4ND TH3YR3 PROB4BLY R1GHT
GC: BUT 1 DONT C4R3
GC: 1 W4NT TO M3SS W1TH 1T 4ND T4ST3 WH4T H4PPENS
GC: >:D
EB: sounds dumb.
EB: but if it means you're going to help me, then go ahead and help me i guess.
GC: L3TS G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 F1RST
GC: 1TS NOT F4R
GC: 1 SN1FF3D OUT 4 M4P OF YOUR PL4N3T
EB: whoa, you've got a map?
EB: where'd you get it?
GC: JOHN W3 AR3 SO MUCH B3TT3R TH4N YOU IN 3V3RY R3SP3CT 1TS R1D1CULOUS
EB: can i have it?
GC: 1TS HUG3
GC: 4ND MOSTLY 1RR3L3V4NT
GC: H3R3 L3T M3 DR4W YOU 4 SM4LL S3CT1ON OF 1T
GC: SHOW1NG YOU WH3R3 TO GO
EB: ok.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "GOH3R3JOHN.G1F" --


10/03/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.
EB: what am i looking at here?
GC: 1TS TH3 B3ST 1 CAN DO
GC: >:[
EB: ok sorry but it's useless.
EB: what's with these colors.
GC: 1 P1CK3D ON3S TH4T SM3LL N1C3
EB: couldn't you just, like...
EB: crop the world map.
EB: i thought you guys were THE BEST.
GC: SHUT UP MY M4P 1S F1N3
GC: LOOK 1TS NOT 3V3N TH4T F4R 4W4Y
GC: 1LL L34D YOU TO 1T
GC: 1TS 4 B1G P1P3
GC: YOU JUMP 1N
GC: TH3 W1ND W1LL T4K3 YOU TO TH3 G4T3
GC: 1TS 4 SHORTCUT
EB: you mean The Breeze?
GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R
GC: L3TS G3T MOV1NG JOHN
GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY TO FUCK UP TH3 T1M3L1N3???
EB: sure.


10/03/10
"==>"






10/03/10
"Rose: Strife."






11/03/10
"==>"






11/03/10
"==>"






11/03/10
"==>"






11/03/10
"Rose: Knit the scarf. Ride the ogre."






11/03/10
"==>"






11/03/10
"Rose: Answer Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: im building up your house
TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound
TG: do you host east european industrial raves
TG: nevermind the point is
TG: im out of grist
TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule
TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall
TT: Right now?
TT: The spoils would sink.
TG: i dont know beach the thing first i guess
TG: unless you were planning on sailing that ogre down the mississippi with a runaway slave
TT: And then what?
TG: what do you mean
TG: you kill it
TG: release a shitload of grist
TG: maybe take one of your needles and puncture the base of its skull
TG: does it even have a skull
TG: or a brain stem
TG: can you find out
TT: That sounds malicious.
TG: what
TG: but you just rigged the thing with an oedipal harness and rode its torso like a log flume ride down a magical rainbow
TT: That was self defense.
TT: Murdering a wounded behemoth in its sleep strikes me as unseemly.
TG: this is bullshit its an unfeeling monster who gives a fuck
TT: Maybe you could replicate a pillow I could use to smother it.
TT: Make it a clean hit.
TT: I would use one of mine but they've all mysteriously gone missing.
TG: wow fuck ok
TG: you can either kill it for the loot or wait a couple hours for gristtorrent to steal more of johns
TG: but then again ill be pretty busy in a couple hours so make up your mind
TT: Does John know we've been sapping his grist yet?
TG: no but hes still got a ton so screw him
TT: Hold on, someone's messaging me.
TG: yeah me too


16/03/10
"Dave: Answer troll."



|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GA: You Command The Seer
GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition
TG: who
GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty
TG: oh yeah sure
TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews
GA: Thats An Exotic Title
GA: I Thought You Were The Knight
TG: wrong what do you want
GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly
GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort
TG: what the hell
GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight
GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right
GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh
GA: Endearment
TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill
TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there
TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs
TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black
GA: Um Is This
GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship
GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong
TG: man wait
TG: whats this about
TG: you have a thing for her dont you
TG: dont deny it bro its obvious
GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination
TG: hahahaha so terrible
TG: what a transparent dodge
TG: all hiding behind your alien shit
TG: just admit it
TG: you want me to help you win her over
GA: I Just Would Like To Gather
GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity
TG: ok well its easy
TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite
TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do
GA: Maddening
GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns
GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly The Ultimate Riddle
TG: oh my flipping christ
TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs
GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark
GA: I Have Been Practicing
GA: Your Human Sarcasm
TG: oh ok
TG: that was pretty good
TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it
GA: Very Well
GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship
TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll
GA: That Was Sincerity
TG: oh
TG: alright look
TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops
TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit
TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not
GA: Then
GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things
TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah
TG: be like
TG: an antagonism ninja
TG: like her
TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing
TG: it could be a horrible thing though
GA: It Sounds Like
GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again
GA: Which I Have Tried
GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor
TG: yeah i guess i am
TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll
GA: Okay
GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed
TG: good luck bro


16/03/10
"Rose: Answer troll."



|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

AT: hIIII, sO,
AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,
TT: Who?
AT: oH, tHE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE "cool", i THINK,
AT: tHE SUN GLASSES GUY,
TT: Why would someone wear sunglasses while using a computer?
AT: iIII DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A COMPUTER, bUT,
AT: yES, hAAAAAH,
AT: i THOUGHT THE SAME THING ABOUT HOW ASININE THAT IS,
AT: sO, yOU KNOW THAT GUY, uMMM,
TT: I know that anyone committed to such an affectation could only be striving to mask a severe insecurity complex, and likely harbors a crisis of self-image.
TT: I've been known to lend my charitable attention to such people, but only "bossed around" by them insofar as the psychiatric professional has cause to humor the demented for analytical purposes.
TT: Or maybe as a lab chimp commands the zookeeper's interest in its shit by forcing him to duck under its trajectory now and then.
AT: oK, wOW, i DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THOSE THINGS,
AT: bUT, uHH, i MEAN DAVE,
TT: Oh, that guy.
AT: yEAH, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,
AT: aBOUT HIM,
AT: i WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES,
AT: aND, uM, wHAT ARE THE TENDER SPOTS THAT ALL THOSE, uHHH,
AT: dEVICES HE EMPLOYS TO CONCEAL THEM, uHH, lIKE ALL THE THINGS HE SAYS HE THINKS ARE FUNNY,
TT: Tender spots?
TT: Your word choices are evocative.
TT: Is your design to couple with this gentleman?
AT: wHOAAAAAAAA, nO, nO, wHOA,
AT: oK, nO, tHAT JUST MADE ME FEEL UPSET TO THINK ABOUT,
AT: i JUST WANT TO REALLY TRY TO BOTHER HIM, iT'S HARD,
TT: If you're trying to get his goat, you should know he only stocks the animal in the first place for ironic purposes.
AT: nO, i'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HIS EARTH GOAT, bUT IF THAT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH THEN i GUESS THAT'S OK,
TT: Then we're agreed; you are hellbent upon literally seizing his shrill, bearded livestock.
TT: I'll assist you.
AT: uHH,
TT: If you really want to burn him, I recommend poetry.
AT: wHAT, pOETRY, aS IN LIKE THOSE HUMAN WORD BUNCHES,
TT: Yes. They are the most delicious bunches we have.
TT: I suggest you serve these crisp bunches of honey and verbal annihilation to him as part of a complete breakfast.
AT: oH, aND, wILL THIS BREAKFAST INJURE HIS SHRILL BARN BEAST,
AT: i MEAN THIS FIGURATIVELY, jUST TO BE CLEAR,
TT: A deft cluster-bombing of this sort will leave nothing wriggling from the razed earth.
TT: Except sulfurous tresses while it cracks and turns black.
AT: yOU MEAN, lIKE, tHE SURFACE OF AN OVERCOOKED PROTEIN OBJECT,
TT: Yeah.
TT: I suppose what I'm saying is this.
TT: Drop some hard, peer-reviewed motherfuckin' science on his ass.
TT: Some seriously government funded shit.
TT: It will destroy him.
AT: aAAAAHAHAHAH, yES,
AT: tHIS IS THE IDEA THAT i LIKE,
TT: Your obvious cunning with words should depants Strider with such vivid empyrean tempest, a nether-regional sonic boom is certain inevitability.
TT: But even so.
TT: Consider me at your disposal to help craft a comeuppance of such unqualified devastation, the angels will weep pearlstrings of little urban fellows cantillating an unbroken chorus of Oh Snaps.
AT: pLEEEEASE,
AT: i THINK i AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MANUFACTURING THESE ALLEGED "dope" HUMAN RHYMES,
AT: aND STARTING SOME SICK FIRES,
AT: i DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY, tHAT YOU SAID YOU LEND,
AT: tO, uHHH,
AT: eARTH MONKEYS WHO TOSS AROUND POOP, oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AT: yOU'RE PRETTY SNOOTY,
AT: tHANKS FOR YOUR HELP, bUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP,

adiosToreador [AT] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT]

adiosToreador [AT] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT]

AT: oOPS, sORRY, i DIDN'T MEAN TO BLOCK YOU,
TT: uMMMM,


18/03/10
"==>"






18/03/10
"Rose: Answer troll."



|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You
GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism
GA: What Do You Think About This
TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.
GA: Ah See It Is Working Already
TT: What is?
GA: Ive Listened To His Advice
GA: And Have Resolved To Modify The Approach Slightly
GA: I Know What I Have To Do
GA: What We Have To Do Really
TT: What's that?
GA: Remember The First Time We Spoke
TT: Yes, but you said it wasn't the first time you spoke to me.
TT: We'll graciously omit my embarrassing skepticism however.
GA: The First Time You Spoke To Me Was The Second Time I Spoke To You
TT: This conversation doesn't sound like your first time either.
GA: This Is Your Second Conversation With Me But Is My Seventh With You
TT: And when exactly does your maiden encounter take place?
GA: Thats Next Time
TT: So to clarify.
TT: If the matching of my first with your second is denoted by 1=2, then the sequence would be:
TT: 1=2, 2=7, 3=1, 4=?, ...
GA: Yes And The Rest Of The Sequence Is Simply
GA: 4=3, 5=4, 6=5, 7=6
GA: Unless My Future Self Stowed Another Conversation In Between One Of Those Which Is Entirely Possible
GA: But Urrgh I Dont Want To Think About That
TT: Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing troll intellects etcetera etcetera.
GA: See That Is What I Mean Rose You Are Not As Dumb Of A Girl As I Was Initially Lead To Believe
TT: You mean based on the first impression I am apparently about to make in our next conversation?
GA: Yes
TT: What could I possibly say that will leave such an imprint?
GA: That Is Why I Have Contacted You Now
GA: I Will Send You A Copy Our First Conversation Directly From My Chat Log

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent tentacleTherapist [TT] the file "ConversationWithAVeryStupidGirl.Txt" --

TT: I guess being forced to cooperate with a stable time loop is the only plausible explanation for my remarks.
GA: Yes And Then I Found It Sort Of Curious That During My Next Conversation With You Your Various Mental Endowments And Wherewithals Were Not As They Seemed
GA: I Suspected The Stratagem Might Be A Counter Trolling Measure But Then Was Not So Sure And Further Examination Grew Warrant
TT: And what if my counter-counter measure is to choose not to transcribe this dialogue accurately in the future-first place?
GA: But See I Have Edited The Copy Already In Ways That Will Remain Secret For Now But You Will Discover Once You Type It
GA: So You Are Destined To Edit It No Matter What And What You Submit Will Be What I Once Read Regardless
GA: !
TT: Unless I decide to copy it word-for-word!
GA: Yes Unless I Lied About Editing It In The First Place
GA: Either Way Through Knowledge Of What You Will Say I Have Precisely Engineered The Nature Of Your Transgression
GA: !!!
TT: So your trolling strategy now is to put idiotic words in my mouth through the machinery of temporal inevitability, and cause me to excruciate over how to subvert the transcription?
GA: Yes
TT: While being perfectly up front about it?
GA: Yes I Suppose Its That Sarcasm All The Time Seems Laborious To Me
TT: I'll admit, it's a more advanced tactic than I gave you credit for.
GA: Yes And The Providence Of This Antagonism Ninja Vice Grip Pinching Your Larynx Has Already Begun To Supply My Purpose With Fruit
GA: The Chilly Frost Shimmering On Our Tree Of Human Friendship Has Begun To Thaw
TT: Mixed metaphor aside, usually ninjas don't announce what they're doing when they're doing it.
TT: Like when stalking an emperor to assassinate him.
TT: Or befriend him.
TT: But that's fine.
TT: I guess the only pointless question we haven't exhausted is, why?
TT: Why the convoluted artifice?
GA: Dave Raised Insight Into The Human Psychology Of Friendship Development
GA: By Allotting You Your Side Of The Conversation I Have You At The Disadvantage In Your View And You Will Seek To Reclaim Higher Ground
GA: In Successive Conversations
GA: 4=3 And 5=4 And Such
GA: Your Demeanor Will Be Terse If Not Saturated With Disdain And It Will Cause Me To Be Confused And Question Your Motivation
GA: But Now I Know Your Motivation Because I Am Supplying It Here And Now
GA: They Will Be Simple Acts Of Friendly Human Retaliation
TT: So you're not only rigging the first impression I make on you, but orchestrating my revenge for the rigging as well?
GA: Yes
GA: It Seems Friendship For Some Humans Is A Basic Aggregation Of Shallow And Insincere Hostilities
TT: That's an interesting take on it.
TT: But now I know for sure Dave isn't behind this plan.
TT: It's too complicated.
GA: I Dont Understand
GA: Who Better To Coordinate Such Events Than The Knight Of Time
TT: You're awfully quick to his defense.
TT: Are you sure you don't have a thing for him?
TT: It's ok, bro. You can admit it.
GA: I'm Hopping To 8=8
GA: Ideally You Will Have Long Since Discarded This Train Of Thought
TT: Ok.
TT: I'm going to talk to my dead cat.


18/03/10
"==>"






19/03/10
"==>"






19/03/10
"Dave: Answer troll."



|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN,
AT: r U READY,
AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE,
AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING,
AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL,
TG: dont care
AT: oK, lET ME,
AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE,
AT: oKAYYY,
AT: (tURN ON SOME STRICT BEATS MAYBE, iT WILL HELP TO LISTEN TO THEM WHILE i DESTROY YOU,)
AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK,
AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY,
AT: wHOSE,
AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK
AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY
AT: gOOSE,
AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE! wHERE, lET ME SEE YOUR HANDS,
AT: aND i SAY SHIT SORRY, i DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HONKTRABAND,
AT: wOW, oK,
AT: i AM GETTING OFF THE POINT, wHICH WAS,
AT: aBOUT THIS HOT MESS DAVE, tHAT YOU GOT LANDED IN,
AT: lIKE THE COP i MENTIONED, bUT INSTEAD OF YOUR BADGE,
AT: aND YOUR GUN, IT'S YOUR ASS THAT YOU HANDED IN,
AT: (aND THEN GOT HANDED BACK TO YOU,)
AT: cAUSE THAT'S HOW HUMANS GET SERVED,
AT: aND GUYS LIKE YOU DESERVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT iT'S,
AT: a CIRCLE AND HORNS IN YOUR BUTT THAT GOT BRANDED IN,
AT: (uMM, bEFORE i GAVE YOUR ASS BACK TO YOU, i DID THAT, iS WHAT i MEAN,)
AT: bUT i MEAN, gETTING BACK TO THE POINT, oR MAYBE TWO ACTUALLY,
AT: tHE FIRST IS YOU SUCK, aND THE SECOND IS HOW i SMACKEDYOUFULLY,
AT: (oH YEAH, tHAT RHYME WAS SO ILLLLLLLLL,)
AT: bUT NO, jUST JOKING, lET'S SEE, hOW CAN i PUT THIS TACTFULLULLY,
AT: i MEAN THE POINTS ON THE HORNS ON MY HEAD,
AT: cOMING AT YOU THROUGH TRAFFIC,
AT: aIMED AT THE TARGET ON YOUR SHIRT THAT IS RED,
AT: wE'RE ABOUT TO GET MAD HORNOGRAPHIC,
AT: (i MEAN SORT OF LIKE A GRAPHIC CRIME SCENE, nOT LIKE,)
AT: (aNYTHING SEXUAL,)
AT: (eRR, wHOAAAAA,)
AT: (nEVERMIND,)
AT: oK, gETTING BACK TO THE ACTUAL, tACTICAL, vERNACULAR SMACKCICLE,
AT: i'M FORCING YOU TO BE LICKING, (aND lIKING,)
AT: gRAB MY HORNS AND START KICKING, lIKE YOU'RE RIDING A VIKING,
AT: cAUSE i'M YOUR BULLY, aND YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,
AT: yOU THINK YOU'RE IN CHARGE BUT YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,
AT: i'M IN CHARGE, cAUSE i'M CHARGING IN,
AT: yOUR CHINASHOP,
AT: bREAKING, uH, yOUR PLATES AND STUFF, WHICH i DON'T REALLY KNOW,
AT: wHAT THE PLATES ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT, bUT,
AT: (fUCK,)
AT: iT'S JUST THAT YOU THINK YOU ARE THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT
AT: bUT WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE NOT, mORE LIKE YOU ARE,
AT: sOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT,
AT: bUT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE COCK'S SHIT,
AT: sO, gIVEN THAT, lET ME BE THE FIRST,
AT: tO SAY YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOLD FROM PROSPIT,
AT: wHEN YOU'RE REALLY COLD SHIT FLUSHED FROM DERSE,


19/03/10
"==>"






20/03/10
"John: Take shortcut."






20/03/10
"==>"






20/03/10
"==>"






20/03/10
"John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter."






20/03/10
"John: Give dear sweet Casey the bunny."



I got a present for you, Casey.

It's a little dirty.

A LITTLE ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES

JUST LIKE YOUR DEAR OLD EX CON DAD

WITH A HEART OF GOLD



21/03/10
"John: Surrender to overwhelming emotions."






21/03/10
"John: Answer CG."



|PESTERLOG|
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.
CG: OH MY LORD.
CG: NO WONDER YOU LOSERS ALL FUCK UP THIS GAME SO BAD.
EB: what?
EB: i am just acting out a scene from an awesome movie and having some fun, what's wrong with that?
CG: WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY EARTH MOVIE IS THIS.
CG: STUPID RABBIT ASSHOLE SCREWS THE POOCH?
EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team.
CG: OH.
CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS.
EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it.
CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK.
CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY?
CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.
EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!
CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.
EB: don't you have alien movies from your alien planet?
CG: YEAH OF COURSE, WE HAVE TONS OF MOVIES AND THEY ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOUR PRIMITIVE CINEMATIC NEANDERTHRASHINGS.
EB: ok, so what is a really good one?
CG: YOU'LL PROBABLY LAUGH IF I TELL YOU THE NAME OF ONE.
EB: well, i already laughed when you said the name of one of ours, so who cares?
CG: OK FINE.
CG: ONE THAT IS AMAZING AND IS A CLASSIC IS...
CG: WHEREIN NUMEROUS VIGILANTES CONFRONT PERIL; ONE OF THEM BETRAYS THE OTHERS; (BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG);
CG: SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE FEMALE LEADS PROVOKE ROMANTIC TENSION; FOUR MAJOR CHARACTERS WEAR UNUSUAL HATS; ONE HOLDS PLOT-CRITICAL SECRET;
CG: 47 ON-SCREEN EXPLOSIONS, ONE RESULTING IN DEMISE OF KEY-ADVERSARY; 6 to 20 LINES THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS HUMOROUS;
EB: wait...
EB: this is the title?
CG: IT GOES ON.
CG: THEY TEND TO BE MORE LITERAL AND INFORMATIVE THAN YOUR TITLES.
EB: how do you even say them in casual conversation?
CG: WELL WE DON'T OBVIOUSLY.
CG: IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYS, HEY GUYS WHY DON'T WE GO SEE A MOVIE, AND THEN EVERYONE JUST ENDS UP THERE.
CG: WATCHING IT.
CG: NOT SAYING IT, THAT'S DUMB.
CG: JOHN, TRY TO THINK OUTSIDE YOUR MINUSCULE CULTURAL BUBBLE FOR A CHANGE.
EB: ok, i just think it's still cumbersome and completely illogical.
CG: YEAH THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START RUNNING OUT OF MOVIE TITLES AFTER RACKING UP THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF FILM HISTORY.
CG: YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR CIVILIZATION JUST DIDN'T MATURE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING.
CG: BEFORE LETTING THIS EARTH ARABIAN YOU CALL A GENIE OUT OF THE BOTTLE.
CG: MUST EXPLAIN WHY IT SPROUTED SUCH A MISERABLE CROP OF PLAYERS.
CG: INSTEAD OF BASICALLY GODS LIKE US.
EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
EB: GC gave me a map.
EB: and showed me a shortcut.
CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING.
CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DOING AT ALL.
CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS...
EB: ok.
CG: OK...
CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW?
EB: umm...
CG: OW FUCK!!!
CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME.
CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU.
EB: uh, sorry i guess?
CG: I TOLD HER TO STOP THESE SHENANIGANS...
CG: BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHATEVER SHE WAS DOING WITH YOU SHE ALREADY DID A WHILE AGO.
CG: FROM MY PERSPECTIVE AT LEAST.
EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves.
EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache.
CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME.
EB: ok.
CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT.
CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.
EB: i like how you guys have basically resorted to trolling each other, through us.
CG: FUCK YOU.
EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet?
CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER?
EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno.
CG: OH DAMMIT.
CG: ARE YOU SURE?
EB: yeah, you told me dude.
EB: want me to paste the conversation?
CG: NO NO, GOD NO, I HATE IT WHEN WE START GOING DOWN THAT ROAD.
CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE FURTHER INVESTIGATION.
CG: I'VE GOT TO GO.
EB: ok.
EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you.
EB: back then i won't really want to hear from you.
CG: OK, I'LL DO THAT.
EB: later.


22/03/10
"John: Answer GC."



|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GC: H3H3H3H3H3
GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE
GC: W3 4R3 ON 4 STR1CT CH3AT1NG T1M3T4BL3 H3R3
GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW
GC: 1S 1T ON3 OF US
GC: 1S 1T M3???
EB: it was carcino.
GC: H4H4H4H4H4
GC: 1 B3T H3 1S CONFUS3D 4ND GRUMPY
EB: yeah, sorta.
EB: he has no idea what you're doing.
GC: 1 H34R H1M OV3R TH3R3 B4NG1NG ON THOS3 K3YS
GC: 1 TH1NK TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1S JUST 4 W4Y TO V3NT SOM3 FRUSTR4T1ON
GC: H3 H4S NO PURPOS3 Y3T
GC: NOT L1K3 YOU 4ND M3 JOHN >:D
EB: oh, he said to give you a message...
GC: OH >:?
EB: he wants you to touch his bone lump or something.
GC: WH4T!!!
EB: and that he's pretty much basically in love with you.
GC: W41T
GC: D1D H3 4CTU4LLY S4Y TH4T
GC: 1N CONF1D3NC3
EB: yeah, i dunno, pretty much.
GC: C4N YOU COPY 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 S41D
EB: ohhh no, we're not going down that road!
EB: besides, it was a private conversation among private gentlemen colleagues.
EB: oh, also you're going to punch him.
GC: 1 4M
GC: WH3N
EB: i guess in your future.
EB: but in your pretty soon future i think.
EB: it's when he says stuff to you and then you laugh at him.
GC: BUT 1M 4LW4YS L4UGH1NG 4T H1M
GC: HOW W1LL 1 KNOW?????
EB: also he says you said it's from me.
GC: FROM YOU
GC: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO PUNCH H1M JOHN
EB: pffff, i don't care!
EB: i'm just the timey-wimey messenger here.
GC: 1M SUR3 M4NY H1GHLY JUST1F1ABL3 4ND W3LL D3S3RV3D PUNCH3S W1LL B3 THROWN 1N DU3 T1M3
GC: BUT L3TS ST1CK TO TH3 G4M3PL4N FOR NOW
GC: JOHN T4K3 4 LOOK 4T WH3R3 TH3 SHORTCUT TOOK YOU
GC: TURN 4ROUND >:]


22/03/10
"John: Turn around."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: oh, wow.
EB: what's that?
GC: 1TS YOUR D3N1Z3NS P4L4C3
EB: my denizen?
GC: 3V3RY PL4N3T H4S 4 D3N1Z3N
GC: TH4T L1V3S D33P UND3RGROUND
GC: SL33P1NG
GC: 4ND GU4RD1NG 4 HUG3 GR1ST HO4RD
EB: ok...
GC: TH3 W4Y DOWN TO 1TS L41R 1S THROUGH TH3 P4L4C3
EB: so you want me to go down there and kill him?
EB: won't that be, uh, kinda hard?
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4
GC: ORD1N4R1LY YOUD H4V3 4BSOLUT3LY NO CH4NC3
GC: 4T YOUR M34G3R L3V3L
GC: BUT YOU H4V3 4N 4DV4NT4G3
EB: oh?
GC: USU4LLY HOW 1TS SUPPOS3D TO GO 1S
GC: OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF YOUR QU3ST
GC: YOU W1LL W4K3 TH3 D3N1Z3N
GC: 4ND TH3N F1N4LLY YOU GO THROUGH TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3
GC: WH1CH 1S TH3 ONLY W4Y 1NTO TH3 P4L4C3
GC: TH3N YOU GO DOWN 4ND F1GHT TH3 D3N1Z3N
GC: 4ND K1LL 1T
GC: R3L3AS1NG TH3 HO4RD
EB: so what's my advantage?
GC: YOU WONT BOTH3R W4K1NG 1T
GC: W3 W1LL SK1P R1GHT TO TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3
GC: F1ND 1TS L41R
GC: 4ND K1LL 1T 1N 1TS SL33P
EB: um, ok.
EB: what's the point of releasing the grist hoard?
EB: is it just so i can make tons more sweet loot?
GC: H3H3 NO W4Y
GC: TH3 HO4RD CONT41NS SO MUCH MOR3 GR1ST TH4N YOU COULD 3V3R US3 1N 4N 4LCH3M1T3R
GC: 1 M34N YOU COULD 1 GU3SS
GC: BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT
GC: 1TS FOR TH3 ULT1M4T3 4LCH3MY
EB: what's the ultimate alchemy?
GC: 1TS NOTH1NG FOR YOU TO WORRY 4BOUT NOW
GC: S33 TH4T G4T3 OV3R BY TH3 BROK3N BR1DG3
GC: GO CH3CK 1T OUT
EB: alright.


22/03/10
"John: Examine gate."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: so this is the seventh gate?
EB: that'll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen?
GC: NOP3 >:]
GC: TH1S 1S JUST 4 S1MPL3 R3TURN NOD3
GC: TH3R3 4R3 LOTS OF TH3S3 4ROUND
GC: JUST HOP 1N
GC: DONT WORRY 1LL G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 SOON 4FT3R TH4T


22/03/10
"John: Hop in."






23/03/10
"WV, AR: Prepare gift for the WQ."






23/03/10
"==>"






23/03/10
"==>"






23/03/10
"==>"






23/03/10
"Meanwhile, in a long discarded memory..."



A PARCEL MISTRESS seeks audience with royalty.


23/03/10
"==>"






23/03/10
"==>"



A flurry of disquieting happenstance is related to the ADORED SOVEREIGN. With no other options, her counsel is all that is left to be sought.


24/03/10
"==>"






24/03/10
"==>"






24/03/10
"==>"






24/03/10
"==>"



Abdication is never ideal. But in the face of inevitable conquest, conceding ground can supply the only remaining advantage.

The final hope for victory lies in patience and planning.


24/03/10
"==>"



The WHITE KING of course can be found on the BATTLEFIELD. His CROWN may be retrieved there.

The RING must be designated for protection. He will supply further instruction on this matter.


24/03/10
"==>"



The royal duty has been accepted.


24/03/10
"==>"



And in time, fullfilled.


24/03/10
"==>"






26/03/10
"==>"






26/03/10
"Rose: Consult with Jaspersprite."



|SPRITELOG|
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.


26/03/10
"==>"






26/03/10
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
ROSE: Is that all you have to say?
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr.
ROSE: I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection.
ROSE: Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic.
JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrrrrrrr.
ROSE: Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point.
ROSE: This is just inane.
JASPERSPRITE: :3
ROSE: Should I report to the others that my Kernelsprite is a Lolcat?
ROSE: Maybe Dave can take some screen captures and overlay some poorly spelled captions.
ROSE: Assuming he hasn't already.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
ROSE: What are you doing there, by the way?
JASPERSPRITE: Im fishing!
ROSE: Oh. So you can talk.
JASPERSPRITE: But sadly there are no fish i think.
JASPERSPRITE: They were all eaten by the Denizen!
ROSE: Who?
JASPERSPRITE: It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap.
JASPERSPRITE: No there is surely not a single living thing left!
JASPERSPRITE: Which is too bad because im pretty hungry.
ROSE: I think there might be some tuna in the cabinets.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh good idea i will look there!
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr.
ROSE: Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared...
ROSE: What did you mean?
JASPERSPRITE: Meow.
ROSE: Sigh...
JASPERSPRITE: :3
ROSE: I don't understand.
ROSE: Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate?
JASPERSPRITE: You will understand when you wake up!
ROSE: Am I asleep?
JASPERSPRITE: Yes!
JASPERSPRITE: Rose im just a cat and i dont know much but i know that youre important and also you are what some people around here call the Seer of Light.
JASPERSPRITE: And you dont know what that means but you will see its all tied together!
JASPERSPRITE: All the life in the ocean and all the shiny rain and the songs in your head and the letters they make.
JASPERSPRITE: A beam of light i think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing!
JASPERSPRITE: And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song!
JASPERSPRITE: And a song i think can be written down as letters.
JASPERSPRITE: So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible.
JASPERSPRITE: So all you have to do is wake up and learn to play the rain!
JASPERSPRITE: Does that make sense rose sorry i disappeared for so long.
ROSE: Sort of.
ROSE: It sounds like you aren't exactly in complete command of this information yourself, so I won't press you on it for now.
ROSE: You're a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you.
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purrrrrrrr.


27/03/10
"Rose: Pester Jade."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: I spoke with Jaspers.
TT: I didn't understand what he told me.
TT: He said I'll understand once I "wake up".
TT: For some reason this made me think of you.
GG: hehehe......
GG: yeah i bet hes right!
TT: We wouldn't happen to be talking about awakening in a sort of breezy, philosophical sense, would we?
TT: Is my dead cat concerned with my enlightenment? Should I prepare to shed this coil of ignorance and suffering?
GG: wow no i dont think so...
GG: hes being a bit more literal than that!
GG: what did he say?
TT: I doubt I could reproduce the statements with fidelity.
TT: It was like listening to a five year-old describe a dream.
TT: The content manages to take a back seat to the simple heartwarming spectacle of the moment.
GG: :)
GG: well what he meant was.....
GG: that you have a dream self
GG: who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep
GG: we all do! all four of us i mean
GG: but see your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep
GG: because you havent woken up yet!
TT: I think I get it.
TT: I take it your "dream self" is wide awake when you sleep?
GG: yes
TT: And would I be out of line in additionally presuming this has been the case for many years, at least as long as I've known you?
GG: no you would not be out of line!
GG: in fact im asleep now
TT: That was to be my next wild presumption.
GG: :p
TT: So when I wake up, can I look forward to being able to message people in my sleep too?
GG: no only i can do that!
GG: because of my robot
TT: Oh, right.
TT: I forgot about your robot.
TT: My short term recall seems to eschew the profoundly ridiculous.
GG: you guys can probably make your own i guess......
GG: but you need to wake up first for it to matter and maybe by the time that happens you might not even need them!!!
TT: I'm not sure if necessity is a concept I'd associate with such a contraption even under some of the more obscure scenarios imaginable.
TT: But good to know I guess.
TT: Here's another question, which I'm sure will look stupid once I've finished typing it.
TT: If my dream self is asleep, does that mean she's dreaming, and if she is, who's dreaming the dream, her or me?
GG: um.......
GG: ok well i dont really know how to answer the second part but yeah shes dreaming!
GG: shes most likely lying in your bed troubled and restless
GG: about things burdening her
GG: which is to say you!!!!!
GG: things about who you really are and what your purpose is
GG: but you cant start figuring those things out yet because youre not awake because youre not ready yet
GG: thats why you have such terrible dreams all the time rose!
TT: Ok. How do I wake up?
GG: im sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious
GG: or maybe face some things you havent faced yet?
GG: i dunno! its for you to find out
GG: maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue?
TT: What stuff?
GG: the....
GG: er
GG: didnt dave tell you?
TT: Tell me what?
GG: ._.
TT: Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room?
TT: While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawlings?
TT: Like John?
TT: I really hope that's not what you're saying.
TT: It might freak me out.
GG: he said he was going to tell you <_<;
TT: Hold on.


27/03/10
"Rose: Pester Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Strider.
TT: I need you to do me a favor.
TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file?
TT: For no reason in particular?


27/03/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TT: He's not answering.
GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!
TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?
TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?
GG: noooooooooooooooooooo


27/03/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!
TT: Can you do it anyway?
GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :(
TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?
TT: Wait.
TT: What?


28/03/10
"==>"






28/03/10
"==>"






29/03/10
"John: Await further instruction."



|PESTERLOG|
GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3
EB: the rocket pack?
GC: Y34H C4PTCH4LOGU3 TH4T 4ND S3ND M3 TH3 COD3
GC: 1 GOT TH3 COD3S FOR 4LL TH3 OTH3R 34RTH CR4P STUCK 1NS1D3 1T FROM YOUR FR13NDS
GC: FROM D1FF3R3NT T1M3S
GC: WH3N TH3Y W3R3 F33L1NG COOP3R4T1V3
GC: 1 C4N M4K3 1T WORK FOR YOU >:]
EB: ok...
EB: but you can't just "subtract" object codes from other codes!
EB: it's like, mathematically, um...
EB: ambiguous.
EB: like just reverse AND/OR'ing the flower pot alone could make hundreds of possibilities.
EB: subtracting all three could be millions!
GC: Y34H W3LL 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1M 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S HUG3 OF 4 DORK 4S YOU
GC: OR TH4T 1 UND3RST4ND 4NY OF TH4T
GC: COMPUT3R COD3S T4ST3 TO M3 L1K3
GC: LOTS OF T1NY N33DL3S 4ND B4TT3R13S
EB: wow, what?
GC: 1M G1V1NG 4LL TH3S3 COD3S TO OUR H4CK3R GUY
EB: oh man, you have a hacker??
EB: i bet he is THE BEST!!!!
EB: hackers are always the best.
GC: H4H4H4H4H4
GC: W3LL H3 SUR3 TH1NKS H3 1S
EB: who is it?
EB: have i talked to him?
GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R
GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU
GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S
GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3
EB: uh, ok.
EB: brb then.


29/03/10
"John: Captchalogue rocket pack."



|PESTERLOG|
EB: ok here...
EB: dskjhsdk
GC: TH4NKS
GC: W41T
GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS
GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN >:?
EB: um, no.
EB: they sort of are random.
EB: but it's the right code, i promise!
GC: OH
GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND
GC: PCHOOOOO


29/03/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: hello?
GC: WH4T
EB: it thought you said you'd be back in less than a second?
GC: 1 W4S
GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3
GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO
GC: 1T TOOK 4 WH1L3 FOR H1M TO F1GUR3 OUT
GC: BUT 1 G4V3 IT TO YOU 1NST4NTLY FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3
GC: WHY WOULD 1 M4K3 YOU W41T???
GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO 1NCONS1D3R4T3 >:[
EB: oh...
EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code...
EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno.
EB: because you're kind of goofy.
GC: W3LL YOUR3 K1ND OF
GC: W3LCOM3
GC: YOU UNGR4T3FUL 34RTH HORS3S NO1SY BUTTHOL3!!!
EB: oh gosh, i'm sooooo sorry!
EB: this is just a stupid code, i'm sorry.
EB: are you sure it's right, it seems kind of...
EB: obvious.
GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT
GC: WH1CH 1 W1LL K33P TO MYS3LF B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3 FUCK1NG M4NN3RS
EB: bluuuh, oh man, i got so served, bluuuuuuuuuh!
GC: 1 4M UNF4Z3D BY YOUR HUM4N BLUHS
GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3?????
EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific.
EB: it was because shut up.
EB: shut up is why.
GC: >:D
EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now.
EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick.
GC: OK JOHN
GC: ONC3 YOU M4K3 1T 1M SUR3 3V3N YOU 4ND YOUR UND3RD3V3LOP3D BON3 NOOK W1LL B3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO
GC: T4LK TO YOU ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 >:]

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --


30/03/10
"John: Make rocket pack."






30/03/10
"John: Answer Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: ok im in
EB: in where?
TG: the medium
EB: oh, already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours
EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff.
EB: how did it go?
EB: with you and jade i guess?
TG: i dont want to talk about it
TG: imagine the worst day of my life
TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech
TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down
EB: ew dog! ewwww!
TG: yeah
EB: so nasty! gross dude!!!
TG: stfu
TG: what are you doing
EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space.
TG: ok
EB: it should be sweet.
TG: i need some advice
TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it
TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole
TG: with a sword in it
TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again
TG: not sure what to do
EB: hmm...
EB: have you asked rose?
TG: shes asleep for some reason
EB: wow, really?
TG: yeah i saw her there
TG: all tuckered out
TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander
TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now
TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest
TG: anyway what do you think
EB: i don't really know, i mean...
EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.
EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!
TG: ok fine but
TG: it seems to be suggesting something here
TG: and
TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion
EB: i don't know, just do what it says!
EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...
EB: i gotta go!
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there
TG: but alright later
EB: later.


30/03/10
"John: Captchalogue Casey."



This is absolutely no place for children. You take dear, sweet CASEY into protective custody.


30/03/10
"John: Blast off."



PCHOOOOO


30/03/10
"==>"






01/04/10
"[S] Dave: Accelerate."






02/04/10
"Dave: Consult with Calsprite."



|SPRITELOG|
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO
DAVE: no
DAVE: just
DAVE: god damn it
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE
DAVE: please
DAVE: just once
DAVE: shut the hell up
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA
DAVE: shut up
CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA
CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE
DAVE: shut
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: the
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: fuck
CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO
DAVE: up
CALSPRITE:


02/04/10
"Dave: Pester Rose."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: thats it i cant take it anymore
TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass
TG: im going back
TT: Already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months
TG: or something
TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping
TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet.
TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.
TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.
TG: what else is there to know
TG: we lost
TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch
TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.
TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again
TG: or the trolls for that matter
TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen
TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us
TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective
TG: only thing left to do is change all that
TT: Are you sure you're ready?
TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?
TG: theres not much to remember
TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge
TG: i dont know what he was thinking
TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet
TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear
TT: It still seems hasty to me.
TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.
TG: nah itll be fine dont worry
TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?
TT: Will I just cease to exist?
TG: i dont know
TG: i mean your whole timeline will
TG: maybe
TT: Maybe?
TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?
TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.
TG: the thing with time travel is
TG: you cant overthink it
TG: just roll with it and see what happens
TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded
TT: What do you think I should do?
TG: try going to sleep
TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think
TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen
TT: Ok.
TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through
TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.
TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem
TG: anything else is gravy
TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.
TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.
TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess
TG: im gonna go now
TT: Good luck.


02/04/10
"Dave: Reverse."






02/04/10
"==>"






02/04/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: ok im in
EB: in where?
TG: the medium
EB: oh, already?
TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours
EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff.
EB: how did it go?
EB: with you and jade i guess?
TG: i dont want to talk about it
TG: imagine the worst day of my life
TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech
TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down
EB: ew dog! ewwww!
TG: yeah
EB: so nasty! gross dude!!!
TG: stfu
TG: what are you doing
EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space.
TG: ok
EB: it should be sweet.
TG: i need some advice
TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it
TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole
TG: with a sword in it
TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again
TG: not sure what to do
EB: hmm...
EB: have you asked rose?
TG: shes asleep for some reason
EB: wow, really?
TG: yeah i saw her there
TG: all tuckered out
TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander
TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now
TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest
TG: anyway what do you think
EB: i don't really know, i mean...
EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.
EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!
TG: ok fine but
TG: it seems to be suggesting something here
TG: and
TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion
EB: i don't know, just do what it says!
EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...
EB: i gotta go!
EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.
EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.
TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there
TG: but alright later
EB: later.


02/04/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: WAIT
EB: what?
TG: dont go yet
TG: somethings up
EB: ugh...


02/04/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok its me from the future
EB: huh?
TG: its me
TG: i just appeared
TG: from the future
TG: wearing a rad suit
TG: he says dont go
TG: or youre gonna die
EB: pfffff.
EB: lame.
EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?


02/04/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to
EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank.
EB: but 13 days too late.
EB: remember, you are talking to the pranking MASTER.
TG: ok that was probably the dumbest thing you ever said just now
EB: if future you is real, then why don't you let me talk to him.
TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god
TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing
EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit
TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave
TG: this is future dave by the way
EB: hahaha!
EB: wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt!
EB: using your phone and computer at the same time to message me.
EB: you're kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don't know why you're bothering with this.
TG: yeah exactly why would i bother
TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine
TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person
EB: you can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH!
EB: pchoooooo!
TG: oh god did you just blast off
EB: no...
EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then.
TG: ok well just dont ok
TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave
TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time
TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake
EB: ok, i guess...


02/04/10
"==>"






03/04/10
"==>"



|SPRITELOG|
DAVE: hey
DAVESPRITE: sup


03/04/10
"==>"






03/04/10
"Rose: Pester Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
TT: Strider.
TT: I need you to do me a favor.
TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file?
TT: For no reason in particular?

TT: He's not answering.
GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!
TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?
TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?
GG: noooooooooooooooooooo
GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!
TT: Can you do it anyway?
GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :(
TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?
TT: Wait.
TT: What?


03/04/10
"Rose: Prepare for nap."



You bundle up your knittings into a cozy nest. You aren't all that tired though. It's hard to imagine falling asleep without the luxury of Harley's narcolepsy.


03/04/10
"Future Dream Rose: Cease to exist."






03/04/10
"[S] ==>"






03/04/10
"Davesprite: Troll GC."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus
TG: your plan didnt work
TG: i mean it did
TG: but then suddenly it didnt
TG: so you might as well quit trying
GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S
TG: what
TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles
GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S
GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH
TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever
TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work
GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK
GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3
GC: YOUR FUTUR3
GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D
GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF
TG: i dont think youre following
TG: you DID kill him sort of
TG: then i went back in time to stop him
GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N
TG: alright but
TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave
TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline
TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along
TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing
TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now
TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently
GC: OH
GC: NO >:[
GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T
TG: yeah
TG: see
TG: none of you ever thinks anything through
TG: whos in charge of timeline management there
TG: i gotta give him the business
GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU
GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG
GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS
GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T >:|
TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others
TG: like that awful rapper
GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?
TG: yeah
TG: im telling you
TG: huge pushover
TG: he will do what you say
TG: unless it happens to be for his own good
TG: then all a sudden hes a tough nut to crack go figure
GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M
GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3
GC: WOULD TH4T B3 OK W1TH YOU S1R BR4V3 KN1GHT >:?
TG: yeah thats fine i guess
TG: no more coy bullshit antics though
TG: not even like
TG: an idiotic angry winking emote
GC: OR WH4T
GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO
GC: >;]
TG: yeah
GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 1M W4Y H1GH3R ON MY 3CH3L4DD3R TH4N YOU
GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 FUTUR3
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO G3T YOUR CLOCK3D CL34N3D BY 4 BL1ND CH1CK
TG: ok even if thats true
TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers
GC: UGH
GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB
GC: TH1S 1S WHY YOU 4LL SCR3W UP SO B4D
GC: 4LW4YS B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S L1K3 TH4T
GC: OH W3LL C4NT STOP YOU NOW SO M1GHT 4S W3LL DROP 1T
GC: H3Y D4V3
TG: what
GC: 1V3 B33N R3S34RCH1NG SOM3 OF YOUR 34RTH SO4P OP3R4S
GC: 1S TH1S YOU
TG: oh jegus fuck no
TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all
GC: BUT H3 H4S 4 F13RY P3RSON4LITY
GC: SORT OF BR4SH 4ND 1MP3TUOUS
GC: 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3
GC: L1K3 F1R3 1TS3LF >:D
TG: now i know youre bullshitting me
TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg
TG: to awaken some egregious homofantasy for a ripped blue dudes mammoth eco friendly bulge
TG: that guys an asshole and needs to be sealed in a dufflebag and whipped something ungodly with a bamboo chute
GC: WHOS WHOOP1 GOLDB3RG
TG: who cares
GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS
GC: TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T
TG: ahahahahaha
TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on
TG: youre actually a pretty good troll
TG: as long as you dont bug john i guess thats all there is to say on the matter
GC: TH4NKS D4V3
GC: TO B3 F41R
GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST
GC: SO
GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 >;]


04/04/10
"Davesprite: Chill with Dave."



|SPRITELOG|
DAVE: who were you talking to
DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off
DAVE: ok cool
DAVE: so now that youre a sprite
DAVE: do you know everything about the game
DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway
DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future
DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now
DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on
DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like
DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles
DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it
DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it
DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer
DAVE: alright
DAVE: here goes
DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome
DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business
DAVE: is he gonna be ok
DAVESPRITE: thats up to him
DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us
DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again
DAVE: ok
DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates
DAVESPRITE: even at a low level
DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you
DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together
DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever
DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time
DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics
DAVE: like what
DAVESPRITE: i dont know
DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did
DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc
DAVESPRITE: oh yeah
DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through
DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan
DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea
DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later
DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds
DAVE: yeah sure


04/04/10
"==>"






04/04/10
"Meanwhile, hundreds of pages ago..."



You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.


04/04/10
"==>"



It is a STUFFED BUNNY. Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no, it is not merely LIKE that bunny. According to this NOTE OF AUTHENTICITY, it is the VERY SAME BUNNY.

This is so awesome.

Included is a note from your best bro Dave.


04/04/10
"so hey"



so hey

since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome.

its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.

but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro.

then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah

peace dawg

tg



04/04/10
"==>"






04/04/10
"==>"






04/04/10
"==>"






05/04/10
"John: Get pestered by Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what
EB: yeah, of course!
EB: there was no way i wasn't trying out this sweet ride.
TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me
TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood
TG: on a back to the future poster
EB: relax, i'm not going through the gate!
EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky.
TG: oh ok
TG: so you believe me then
TG: about future me
TG: and like
TG: him turning into a floating sword bird
EB: um...
EB: ok, i don't know anything about that...
EB: but it doesn't matter!
EB: you're my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won't go.
EB: hey, can you hold on?
EB: i'm getting trolled again.
TG: oh man and if weve just concluded anything its that talking to those dbags should be priority number one so yeah go right ahead
EB: ok, brb.


05/04/10
"John: Get trolled by CG."



|PESTERLOG|
CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.
CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY.
CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS.
CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.
CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.
CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE.
EB: humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy.
EB: we don't hatch at all.
EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies.
CG: BULLSHIT.
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME.
EB: what did i say?
CG: I'LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID.
EB: i thought you didn't like going down that road?
EB: copy-pasting future/past conversations...
CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.
EB: i dunno, that's what you just told me.
CG: WHATEVER, LOOK:
CG: EB: this is really weird...
CG: CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch...
CG: EB: from like these slimy pods.
CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.
CG: CG: OH REALLY.
CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.
EB: hahaha!
EB: i was punking you dude!
EB: or at least i will be in our next conversation.
EB: thanks for the great prank idea.
CG: ARGH.
CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT.
EB: i don't know, it was just a friendly prank.
EB: don't you ever play pranks?
EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good.
CG: WHAT, WHO.
EB: pffffff, you'll find out.
CG: WELL FINE.
CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF.
CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET.
CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE.
CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT.
CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we?
EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends.
CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point...
EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.
CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION?
EB: yes, absolutely.
CG: I GUESS IT'S HARD TO SEE HOW WE BECOME FRIENDS.
CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.
CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE.
CG: AND THEN YOU WON'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU.
EB: dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!!!
CG: I'VE DONE NO SUCH THING.
CG: I'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL.
CG: IF JUSTIFIABLY ACRIMONIOUS.
EB: you never answer my questions, though.
EB: how am i supposed to know what's going on, or what you're alluding to?
CG: THIS GAME IS KIND OF A GAME OF A MILLION GUIDES.
CG: EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS.
CG: YOU'VE GOT SPRITES, EXILES, GUARDIANS, CONSORTS...
CG: TIME HOPPING FUTURE SELVES, MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGERS...
CG: AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, YOUR PARTICULAR GROUP OF PLAYERS IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US TO GIVE YOU THE SCOOP ON STUFF.
CG: THROUGH A SORT OF SUBVERSION OF THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU.
CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU
CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU
CG: OR DISH IT OUT THROUGH CRYPTOBAFFLING MIND FUDDLERY.
CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.
EB: ok...
EB: what's the point of the game.
CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE.
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.
CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD.
EB: augh!
EB: fine.
EB: where are you now?
CG: IN THE MEDIUM.
CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS.
EB: no no, i know that!
EB: you already told me.
CG: I DID?
EB: yes, in your future.
CG: DAMMIT.
EB: what i mean is...
EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what?
EB: just curious cause you can see me, but i can't see or know anything about you!
CG: WE'RE HIDING IN THE VEIL.
CG: WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.
EB: what's that?
CG: IT'S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS
CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS
CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING
CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS.
EB: derse?
CG: THE DARK PLANET.
CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA.
EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this??
CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA.
CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL.
CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!!!!"
CG: IT'S INFURIATING.
EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors...
EB: what do you mean "what's left of it"?
CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE
CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA
CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING
CG: THAT'S WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS.
EB: ok...
CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE
CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN
CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA
CG: TO DESTROY IT
CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG "COUNTDOWN"
CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS.
EB: so then it's up to us to save it?
CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING
CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME
CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS
CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS
CG: THE THREAT GETS BIGGER THE LONGER YOU TAKE THOUGH
CG: SMALLER METEORS COME FIRST AND THEY GET PROGRESSIVELY BIGGER AND BIGGER
CG: AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU.
EB: ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right?
CG: THAT'S JUST IT.
CG: YOU DON'T.
CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT
CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER
CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE
CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE
CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE
CG: JUST ANOTHER BUNCH OF LOSERS TO FAIL AT THIS GAME
CG: IT'S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT
CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO.
EB: oh no...
EB: what is it?
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.
CG: IT'S INEVITABLE AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS TO TALK ABOUT ANYWAY.
EB: yeah, well...
EB: maybe you're wrong!
EB: maybe there's something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us?
CG: I'M NOT WRONG, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY.
EB: ok, we'll see about that, mr. sourbulge.
EB: hey, aren't you kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor?
EB: are you all huddled in a crater or something?
CG: NO, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT IN THE VEIL.
CG: A LOT OF THESE METEORS ARE KIND OF LIKE...
CG: BIG SEEDS.
EB: seeds?
EB: um...
EB: well, what kind of crazy shit is there?
CG: STUFF LIKE...
CG: BUILDINGS
CG: FACILITIES
CG: LIKE LABS AND STUFF.
EB: weird.
CG: YEAH, THE VEIL IS KIND OF LIKE NEUTRAL GROUND FOR THE KINGDOMS, LIKE OUR PLANETS.
CG: SOME PLACES ARE USED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER SOLDIERS AND AGENTS FOR THE TWO SIDES.
CG: USING GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE EXOTIC MENAGERIE OF CHESS PIECES ON THE BATTLEFIELD.
CG: TO HELP FUEL THE WAR AND KEEP RAISING THE STAKES.
EB: wow, i don't think i'm following this.
CG: YEAH NO SHIT!
CG: BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GET THERE
CG: SINCE YOU WERE IN THE VEIL WHEN WE LAST TALKED.
CG: ANYWAY THAT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH INFO FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT AND BE LESS STUPID IN TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS WE'VE ALREADY HAD.
CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.
EB: ok, but wait...
EB: can you give a message to GC for me?
EB: tell her nice try.
CG: WHAT
CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU
CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE.
EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time.
EB: but whatever.
CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.
CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.
CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --


12/04/10
"[S] Jack: Ascend."






15/04/10
"Locate fourth wall."






15/04/10
"Activate."






15/04/10
"AH: Engage in highly indulgent self-insertion into story."



What?

Oh hell no. This is always such a terrible idea. Leave me alone.


15/04/10
"AH: Examine wall."



You really wish your side of the wall had an off switch.

Which is to say, I really wish my side of the wall had an off switch.


15/04/10
"AH: Forget it. Go back to work."



Ok. You're just going to ask me to recap Homestuck though. I don't know why you'd want to sit there and watch me type.

This is going to be pretty long.


15/04/10
"AH: Recap first year of Homestuck."



Homestuck began on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert. Three days prior was supposed to be the day he received the Sburb Beta in the mail, but it was running late. It showed up later that afternoon, and after overcoming a variety of domestic adversities, he retrieved the game, along with a birthday package from his internet friend, Dave Strider.

John soon established a game connection with another friend, Rose Lalonde, who'd spent the day badgering him about playing with her, after unsuccessfully attempting to convince Dave to play. Upon connecting, Rose was able to manipulate John's environment, move his furniture around via cursor, and restructure the shape of his room. John was unable to do this to Rose's environment however. He'd installed the client copy of the beta, and required the server copy for that.

The server copy was trapped in his dad's car, along with a birthday package from another friend, Jade Harley. Jade messaged John inquiring about the package. As of this moment, neither her package nor the server copy has been recovered by John. Rose had also prepared a package for John, but had not mailed it yet. It still sits in her room. Dave's package contained the authentic stuffed bunny from Con Air.

In addition to allowing Rose to control John's environment, Sburb provided an array of devices Rose deployed throughout John's house. These devices used together provided a system by which the players could manufacture any item using the code on the back of that item's captchalogue card, if they gathered enough grist to pay for it. Later, they would learn to combine item codes to master the art of punch card alchemy, whereby items could be fused together in purpose and design.

One device on being activated began a countdown, and released an entity called a kernelsprite. The countdown ticked down to the moment John's house would be struck by a meteor, destroying his neighborhood. To escape this demise, John had to use the devices to manufacture a special item that looked like a blue apple, and take a bite of it, in order to transport his entire house just before impact to the safety of a mysterious dark realm, where his house would situate itself atop a tall rock column high above a blanket of clouds. This realm is called the Medium.

Before he entered the Medium though, John and Rose prototyped his kernelsprite with the large harlequin doll his dad got him for his birthday, transforming the sprite to bear its likeness, including the ways the doll was disfigured via earlier hijinks. It had a slashed eye and one arm, and so too did the sprite. When John entered the Medium, the sprite's kernel hatched, thus imbuing all the enemies John and his friends would face with properties of the sprite. The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping.

After entering the Medium, John's dad was kidnapped by imps. While John was looking for him, he accidentally prototyped the sprite with his grandmother's ashes, transforming it again. This prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the Medium, and the kernel had already hatched. Instead, only the sprite was affected, and it took on the appearance, personality, and memories of his grandmother, becoming Nannasprite, a game-supplied albeit customized guide for John. She explained aspects of the game, about Skaia residing at the center of the Medium, beyond seven gates floating directly above his house, and about an eternal/timeless war fought there between dark and light, one that light was always destined to lose.

Rose, who'd been having frequent internet connection issues, lost her connection as she tried to lift John's car to retrieve the game and the package. The car fell into the abyss below. A storm caused her house to lose power along with its wireless internet connection. Her laptop was able to run on battery power for a time, while she tapped into the wireless signal from the laboratory next door. When her laptop ran out of power, she had to overcome more family strife (and endure a gift pony in the process), go outside in the rain, and plug it into the small generator outside the mausoleum of her dead cat, Jaspers. She continued her session with John inside the mausoleum, while the meteor-sparked forest fire surrounding her house grew more intense.

From the house, Rose's mom opened a secret passage in the mausoleum to help her escape. The passage lead to the lab next door, where Rose found a stable, portable source of power and internet for her computer. She also found a terminal projecting the impact times and locations for the millions of meteors presently bombarding the planet, along with all the other live sessions of other players around the world. She also found a little girl's room, a mutant kitten she named Vodka Mutini, and a cloning machine operating through the science of ectobiology. Its terminal was locked on to her cat Jaspers at whatever point in his life the user specified.

She attempted to appearify Jaspers from a moment in her early childhood, before he whispered a secret to her. But doing so would have caused a paradox, so it appearified (paradoxified) a pile of slime instead. The machine used the slime to create a fetal paradox clone of Jaspers in a glass tube. On the monitor, Jaspers then told young Rose the secret, then vanished, only to show up dead weeks later and put in the mausoleum for years until the present. Rose left the laboratory moments before it was destroyed by a meteor impact. She transportalized back to her mom's room, proceeded to her room to wait for Dave to connect with her and rescue her from the next imminent impact.

Dave was charged with acquiring his bro's copy of the game to help Rose. Earlier he had lost his copy of the game to a mishap involving a crow. It flew in his window, seized the game, and Dave accidentally impaled it with a sword, sending the crow and the game out the window onto a landing far below his apartment. He searched his bro's room unable to find it, was briefly shadowed by Lil Cal, and then found a note beckoning him to meet on the roof for a confrontation. Dave and his bro dueled on the roof extensively, and Dave was thoroughly bested. Upon defeating Dave, his bro dropped the copies of the game, and flew off on his rocket board into the sky.

Dave used the copies to connect with Rose, and quickly deployed the devices while her house was on fire, surrounded by flaming tornadoes, and minutes away from being destroyed by a meteor. Rose prototyped her kernelsprite with Jaspers, specifically to understand the meaning of the secret he whispered to her years ago. She was advised to do this by Jade, who told her about the game in the first place. Dave then prototyped the kernelsprite again with the tentacled princess doll given to Rose on her birthday by her mom. Both of these prototypings would have an effect on the enemies once Rose entered the Medium and the kernel hatched. Rose used the alchemiter to create the special item - for her, a purple wine bottle - which she needed to break to enter. She eventually did, transporting her house just before the meteor collided.

The meteor left a crater. Over time, at the site of impact, a large, white structure that looked like a wine bottle grew there, and the crater filled up with sand as the climate of the post-apocalyptic Earth gradually changed. The "cork" of that bottle was a large metal cylinder with an interior much like an advanced science station, with a variety of devices and monitors inside. 413 years after the meteor impact, the Wayward Vagabond walked through the desert and discovered this station. Inside, he found canned rations, a firefly he named Serenity, an appearifier, and four monitors hooked up to a keyboard.

On one of the monitors was John, just after he'd entered the Medium. WV could type commands to John directly, much as the readers of this story could type commands for the characters to follow. Most of John's actions upon entering the Medium were authored by WV, until he became preoccupied with other activities, such as building a town out of cans, playing chess with cans, and drawing chalk murals depicting the cosmological arrangement of Skaia, the Medium, the light and dark planets known as Prospit and Derse, and the four planets the kids would each occupy upon entering the game, called The Land of Wind and Shade (John), The Land of Light and Rain (Rose), the Land of Heat and Clockwork (Dave), and Jade's planet, which is yet to be seen.

He also activated a countdown in the station which caused it to blast out of the crater and fly to designated "home" coordinates. Along the way, it passed over the sand-filled crater that was the impact site for John's meteor, on the other side of the continent. John's meteor had caused a giant white tree to grow in the crater. The tree grew an apple-like station from a branch, which fell to the sand. The Peregrine Mendicant found this station. After WV flew overhead, PM activated her station's homing feature as well, which caused it to fly to the same destination. Along the way, she used her terminal to attempt to command Jade, who from the perspective of the terminal, had just arrived in the Medium. This caused the terminal to explode for unknown reasons, leaving a hole in the station. One of the station's robotic worms recovered one of PM's falling mailboxes, and she befriended it, after earlier slaying another one with her black regisword.

WV landed at the site of the ancient frog ruins across the now dried up Pacific Ocean. The site was once the island where Jade lived, but nothing of the island remained except for the ruins. The mountain her house was on, and the volcano next to it, were replaced by a large empty chasm. PM landed shortly after WV, and they met. They were confronted by the Aimless Renegade, who fired at them from the frog ruins with old weaponry he'd been hoarding, once belonging to Jade's grandpa. Millions of years ago, the frog ruins grew from a crater, struck by a meteor that emerged from a Sburb portal in space. Jade's radioactive, omnipotent, space-warping dog named Becquerel emerged from this crater as well.

Jade's grandpa pioneered this island, and built the house Jade lives in. Her grandpa has been dead for many years, and stands stuffed in front of the fireplace. She has been looked after by her dog who she calls Bec. She begins the day with several tasks to accomplish - to feed Bec, and to retrieve a birthday package mailed by John. She irradiates a steak, and heads outside to the site where the package will be dropped. She knows it will be dropped there because one of the reminders she wears on her fingers jogs her memory about it. She wears them to keep track of the many things she knows about the future, through dreams.

She falls asleep frequently and spontaneously. When she sleeps, her dream self is awake, and living on the moon that orbits the light planet, Prospit. Prospit very closely orbits Skaia, a huge sphere of blue sky and clouds, which nanna describes as a "dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential." When Prospit's moon eclipses Skaia, it drifts into Skaia for a time, mingling with the clouds. Dream Jade then witnesses many past and future events in the clouds. While asleep, she is often confused about what is real and what isn't. When she wakes up, she pieces together future events from her memory of the cloud visions, and from logs recorded by her dreambot. Her dreambot is a robotic surrogate that activates while she sleeps in her bed. It mimics in the real world the movement and actions of her dream self on the moon, and records a video log of what she sees while dreaming.

Prospit's moon has two towers of identical design, and similar design to Jade's house. Dream Jade lives in one tower. Dream John lives in the other. Dream John is still asleep, and John has no knowledge of the dream world, which is to say, the entire game session he would initiate on his 13th birthday. When he goes to sleep, instead of waking up on the moon as Jade does, he remains slumbering in his dream room, tormented by his subconscious. This torment is expressed when he sleepwalks, and draws troubling scribbles on the walls of his room. When awake, he cannot see the scribbles, as is subconscious suppresses his awareness of them. It is not until he has a perception-altering revelation about his dad does he begin to see them. He initially believed they were new additions to his room, perhaps scrawled by imps. However they were present long before, visible in his room while he prepared Jade's birthday package months ago.

John prepared a package for each of his three friends, whose 13th birthdays were December 1st (Jade), 3rd (Dave), and 4th (Rose). He gave Rose a knitting set, and she then took an intense interest knitting. He gave Dave the pair of shades Ben Stiller wore in Starsky and Hutch, which he wore from then on, replacing the shades in the style his bro wore. He gave Jade a blue version of his own ghost shirt, and some pumpkin seeds to help her replace the pumpkins that kept disappearing from her garden. But she did not receive this on the birthday John intended. She received it in the past, on her birthday when she was very young, causing her to take an interest in gardening in the first place, to take a liking to blue apparel, and to eventually befriend John over the internet and lead him, Rose, and Dave down a path where they would ultimately play this game together.

Jade did retrieve his package in the present as planned, but immediately took it to another location where it disappeared. WV in the far future appearified it from that location on accident. The package contained further instructions for him. He was to bring it to PM, and she was to use her station's sendificator to send it to another place and time. After she did this, the package appeared in front of young Jade on her birthday. Jade orchestrated the sequence of events through knowledge of them by her cloud visions.

She orchestrated similar events for the package she sent to John, plotting the circuitous route through time and space it was meant to follow. She again utilized the exiles for help, while they were still in the Medium. The exiles, WV, PM, and AR, were all formerly agents of the kingdoms, before they were exiled by some means to post-apocalyptic Earth. AR, as an Authority Regulator in the Land of Wind and Shade, discovered the package and the beta copy in John's wrecked car as he gave it a parking ticket. PM, working as a Parcel Mistress, recognized the package from a correspondence she had with Jade on Prospit some time ago, and recalled it must be delivered to John. AR would not relinquish the package, though he did give her the beta, which she delivered into a pyxis to satisfy the carved request of a minitablet. John carved this tablet at the request of PM through the command terminal in the future.

AR brought the package to Derse, where it ultimately wound up on the desk of Jack Noir. Jack is the archagent of the dark kingdom, charged with overseeing affairs through his office's fenestrated wall portals, and processing paperwork. He is forced to wear a silly garment in keeping with prototyping themes by the Black Queen, an order he resentfully complies with. He oversaw the imprisonment of John's dad, who broke loose on multiple occasions. When Jack went to handle it personally, John's dad set Jack's hat on fire. In a surly act of gratitude, he released the prisoner. John's dad fled to the Land of Wind and Shade, fought large monsters, got his hat dirty and lost a shoe. He then carved tablet requests for new ones, which John filled via pyxis, unaware of who requested them.

PM followed AR to Derse in hopes of retrieving the package. After wandering around, she encountered the Black Queen on her throne. Both the light and dark kingdoms each have a king and a queen. The queens sit on a throne, on Prospit and Derse respectively, ruling the planet. The kings command armies on the Battlefield, located at the center of Skaia. The queen takes on the attributes supplied by the prototypings due to the four-orbed ring she wears. When the ring is removed, the queen is restored to normal. PM showed the BQ a parking ticket she was pretending to deliver. The BQ directed her to Jack's office, where the ticket should be filed.

PM met Jack and asked for the package. Jack proposed a deal, and gave her a black regisword. If she would kill the White Queen and White King and bring him their crowns, he would give her the package. She accepted with little alternative. She then visited the WQ on Prospit and explained the situation, with no intention of carrying out Jack's mission. The WQ, understanding the futility of their situation and the need to recover the package, abdicated, and gave PM her crown and her ring. PM was instructed to go find the White King, retrieve his crown, and receive further instruction on what to do with the ring to protect it. WQ would then eventually exile herself to post-apocalypse Earth.

On post-apocalypse Earth, after AR fired on WV and PM from the ruins, he spotted WV's pumpkin, which WV had earlier appearified from Jade's house. He recognized the carving of Bec's silhouette on the pumpkin. Fearful of it, he surrendered. The three exiles soon became friends over a campfire and shared rations. WV and AR built Exile Town out of cans, mailboxes, and bullets. PM operated WV's station terminal to submit commands to John as he explored the Land of Wind and Shade. In the sky, another station teleported and fell to the ground. It was shaped like an egg, and originated from Dave's meteor impact site, in correspondence with the egg-shaped item he would use to enter the medium. Emerging from this station was the Windswept Questant, formerly the White Queen.

AR and WV sought to impress WQ by crafting a crown for her out of a mailbox. She refused the distinction, instead giving it to PM, who had successfully completed her mission to deliver Jade's package to John in the distant past. The means by which she went about this have yet to be seen.

John entered the Land of Wind and Shade (LOWAS) by having Rose build up his house to the first gate, fighting through many imps and ogres with his powerful new alchemized weapons, and entering the gate. This took him to a location beneath the clouds, far below his house. The LOWAS turned out to be a large windy planet, full of dark terrain, incandescent trees, networks of pipes, and oily rivers. In addition to hosting more powerful adversaries, the land is occupied by friendly consorts, a race of salamanders. They help John understand the mythos of the land, and inform him of the planet's persecution by a sleeping denizen, which is responsible for clogging the pipes with oil, and trapping fireflies under the clouds.

Each planet has a sleeping denizen, which the players must first wake, and then kill, in the course of their journey through the seven gates. Rose's planet, the Land of Light and Rain (LOLAR) is a multicolored ocean planet with white sandy islands and pink ruins, and has a denizen responsible for killing all life in the water. Dave's planet, the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC) is a lava planet, covered in industrial steel frame structures and turning gears, and has a denizen of yet unknown qualities.

Killing the denizen releases a huge grist hoard buried at the core of the planet, which is then used to fuel a process known as The Ultimate Alchemy. Along the way, the kids are meant to learn about their destined roles in this quest as the Heir of Breath (John), Seer of Light (Rose), Knight of Time (Dave), and Witch of space (Jade). Over the course of their quest, the dark kingdom will inevitably defeat the light kingdom. The Black Queen and King will take control, and initiate The Reckoning. This affects a belt of meteors, called The Veil, which orbits far from Skaia, between the four planets and Derse, and is host to various lab facilities used by the kingdoms. The Reckoning causes the meteors to descend on Skaia, ultimately destroying it, unless the Black Queen and King can be defeated in time. Skaia however buys time by opening defense portals to catch many of the meteors, redirecting them elsewhere in space and time.

This is the generic template for the way the game is supposed to proceed. It can deviate from this model however, depending on the actions of the players, and the details of the game mythology presented is unique to each group of players and their session.

Long before John and his friends started playing the game, another group of players had been persistently trolling them, particularly Jade. They are furious about an action she will take that will cause major problems in the four kids' game session, and inevitably lead to their defeat. Specifically, Jade will send a package to John, apparently containing a powerful weapon he will need later. But the package winds up in the hands of Jack Noir, leading to dire consequences. They allude to other things she will do that will lead to not only trouble for the four kids, but the troll players as well.

The trolls consist of 12 kids from an alien planet, who went through the same process as John and his friends, escaping from the annihilation of their planet via meteors, and into the Medium to play the game. Their game session is entirely separate from that of the four kids. It has the same basic template, with its own Skaia, Prospit, Derse, Veil, and a planet for each troll, but separate game instances of these. They also have different instances of the same character templates, such as the kings and queens, and agents like Jack Noir.

The trolls have completed their game session with yet unknown results. They now reside on a meteor in their Veil, sitting at terminals trolling John and co. From their terminals they can choose any point in the past or future of the kids to troll, and observe what they're doing at that moment. As a group, their only stated objective is to harass the kids, which they do so haphazardly throughout different points in the kids' timeline. Though they can choose any point on the kids' timeline to talk, they are mostly resigned to the understanding that no matter what they do, they can't change the outcome of the kids' actions.

The four most vociferous trolls so far have been carcinoGeneticist, gallowsCalibrator, grimAuxiliatrix, and adiosToreador. (The other 8 being apocalypseArisen, twinArmageddons, arsenicCatnip, arachnidsGrip, centaursTesticle, terminallyCapricious, caligulasAquarium, and cuttlefishCuller, each yet to be heard from.)

carcinoGeneticist (CG) appears to have spearheaded the group's trolling campaign. While he was in the thick of his game session, the exile commanding him from a terminal in the apocalyptic future was Spades Slick. This is one difference between his game session and John's, who had WV as an exile commanding him. In CG's session, his version of Jack Noir became exiled along the way, and took on the name Spades Slick. Three other agents were exiled, and the four of them formed a gang called the Midnight Crew, and spent years building up a dark city in the future wasteland of the trolls' dead planet. Another difference in the trolls' session is that at some point along the way, the Black Queen was also exiled, later joined a rival gang called The Felt, assumed special powers that make her highly inadvisable to kill, and came to be known as Snowman. It was not until Slick confronted The Felt in their mansion that he discovered the station terminal to command CG, and not before Snowman blinded him in one eye, severed his arm, and locked him in a vault.

Each troll has a different trolling strategy, and a different rhythm by which they hop around the kids' timelines to chat with them. CG's strategy, for the most part, was to begin trolling them at the very end of their adventure, the moment at which he was most angry with their actions, and then gradually work backwards, mostly talking to John. This proves to be mutually frustrating though, as John knows less and less about the situation the further into the past CG goes. Similarly, the further into the future John progresses, the more he has the advantage over CG by knowledge of his future conversations with him, and vice versa. Over the course of the opposing directions of the two sides of the conversation, John learns more about the nature of the game and why they're being trolled, and in spite of hostility, they gradually befriend each other through an inevitability alluded to on both sides of the conversation.

Early in the correspondence between John and CG, which is to say late for CG, CG discovers he needs to get in touch with Jade, who refuses to talk to him in that time period. So he delivers a message to her much earlier, months in her past, telling her she needs to contact him when she's in trouble. She will know to do this when her dreambot explodes in the future, an outcome that has not yet happened.

Two other trolls, grimAuxiliatrix and adiosToreador (GA and AT) have targeted only Rose and Dave thus far. GA has hopped arbitrarily back and forward in Rose's timeline to talk to her, and is attempting to cultivate a friendship with her that now seems rigged through a series of conversational time loops, while seeking counsel from Dave on how to befriend her. AT sought counsel from Rose on how to troll Dave more effectively, after getting severely counter-trolled by him. He is under the impression he rebounded nicely though.

gallowsCalibrator (GC) has stayed mostly linear in her trolling patterns, and has done so under the guise of helping the kids on their quest. She convinces John to take a shortcut through his land, shows him the denizen's palace, leads him to warp back to his house, then shows him how to fix the faulty rocket pack he made earlier through an alchemy mishap. She tells him to use the rocket pack to fly up to the seventh gate, enter the denizen's palace, and kill it in its sleep. He complied with this, and flew through the seventh gate, in spite of reservations from Dave, who'd just entered the Medium the moment before John took off.

GC also assisted Rose, just after she bested an ogre with ease. She counseled her on understanding her role as the Seer of Light, and the meaning of the voice in her head as an exile issuing commands from a terminal. In her case, it was the exiled White Queen issuing commands from the egg shaped station in the future. Since Dave is Rose's server player, the terminal station from Dave's impact site issues commands to Rose. Just as the station at Rose's site, which WV found, issues commands to John, her client player.

After conversing with GA, Rose found Jaspersprite and interrogated him about the secret which she found so maddeningly mysterious years ago. He explained elements of the mythos of her land, and how she'd need to learn to play the rain to produce the musical analogue of a genetic code to reintroduce life into the ocean. In response to her question about his secret, he simply replied "Meow." She mistook this for more nonsense, but it was in fact the secret he told her years ago. The four letter sequence MEOW unlocked a genetic code in her subconscious, which she would spend years scrawling on her wall using those letters in place of the typically used GCAT letters, while completely oblivious to the scrawlings and their meaning just as John was. As Jaspers said, she would understand their meaning when her dream self wakes up.

Rose's dream self lives in a tower on the moon of Derse. Dave's dream self lives on the same moon in the other tower. It was suggested by Rose's future self, who is fully awake in the tower, that Dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it. This was suggested in a conversation she had in the future with Dave. It was an alternative future timeline not meant to be.

This future timeline came about by this series of events.

Dave was able to enter the Medium by connecting with Jade as his server player. Jade got copies of the game from the frog ruins, after she delivered John's package to her past self. She snuck into the ruins while Bec was asleep, and retrieved the game from a lotus time capsule which had been ticking down for millions of years. The game was Dave's copy from the future, the same one that fell out the window with the impaled crow. Once she got the game, the time capsule started ticking down again, set to expire 413 years later, when the exiles are there. She dropped some items in the ruins, leaving them there for AR to find, and leaving her bass jammed in the elevator. Bec then found her there, took her back to her room, and grounded her there for the rest of the evening.

She quickly helped Dave set up the game, upgrading his alchemiter heavily, and crafting the special item he needed to enter the Medium, a red egg, which needed to be incubated and hatched to activate. She prototyped his kernelsprite with the impaled crow, which would affect the enemies later, including the Black Queen. The sprite built a nest on top of his apartment's antenna tower, and stole the egg to incubate it for hours. A very large meteor was soon bearing down on his city.

Dave then entered the Medium through a series of unseen events. Jade was asleep, thus forbidden by Dave from interacting with his environment at all. Jade complied for fear of retribution. Dave was faced with the Crowsprite, which appeared to be suggesting he prototype it again with the remains of Lil Cal. Dave consulted with John on this, who was about to rocket up to the seventh gate. John had no advice, and proceeded up through the gate against better judgment.

Dave prototyped the sprite with Cal. John entered the palace, presumably found the denizen, and was easily killed by it, as was the intent of GC's trick on him. This meant John could not establish a connection with Jade to rescue her from the looming meteor, and Dave and Rose lost contact with her, presuming her dead. Dave and Rose then spent the next four months in the Medium, advancing as far as they could to collect information before Dave decided to travel back in time to change events.

Dave used his time tables to go back to the moment he was about to prototype with Cal. Both he and his past self strongly urged John not to go through the gate. John was reluctant at first, but soon reconsidered, and flew down beneath the clouds. Future Dave then gave Present Dave all his advanced gear, and prototyped the Crowsprite with himself to make Davesprite, thus serving as his own guide from the future.

Before going back in time, Future Dave convinced Future Rose to go to sleep. He suggested her dream self would be unaltered by the timeline shift, and in her dream state she would remember the events from the future. When Dave went back, Rose's future dream self assumed the position of Rose's present dream self. Rose fell asleep, and on Derse's moon, she instantly woke up. She then saw all the genetic scrawlings she did in MEOW letters, and understood their meaning.

Meanwhile on Derse below, the Black Queen again insisted that Jack Noir abide by the dress code. He refused, and the queen threatened him. He picked up Jade's package to John, removed what was inside, and used it to slice her ring finger off. He then killed the Black Queen, put on the ring, and donned the full upgrade supplied by the three prototypings.

He then became Jackspers Noirlecrow, which is a name I just made up now.

And then after that you started watching me type in this ridiculous study I photoshopped for myself with my cool horse painting propped up in the background.


15/04/10
"AH: I didn't read any of that. Do something less boring."



> MSPA Reader: Shut the hell up.


15/04/10
"AH: Retrieve arm from background."



Huh? Oh.

Cal, please. Not now.


15/04/10
"AH: Why don't you keep drawing Homestuck or something."



Oh, but I don't merely draw Homestuck...

(Type "==>", I am about to make a joke.)


15/04/10
"Ok. ==>"



I CONJURE THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE'S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.


15/04/10
"AH: This is stupid. Stop being a wiseass and get drawing."



Alright. It won't be that exciting to watch though.

I'll pull up Photoshop again. Here's the file I was using for the fourth wall.

What do you want me to draw?


15/04/10
"AH: Can you show us what's going on with John again?"



Sure.

How about if I drag the content from one of the John files under the fourth wall layer, so we can make a more graceful transition out of this ludicrous, highly disruptive self-insertion arc?


15/04/10
"AH: That sounds like a good idea."



Oh! And then you can type something like "Switch wall's view to show us what's going on with John."

Here, I'll prepare the GIF file for that. It'll just take a few seconds.

Go ahead. Say that.


15/04/10
"Switch wall's view to show us what's going on with John."



You decide that's entirely enough of that. If this website becomes any more self-aware in a playfully self-deprecating yet weirdly self-aggrandizing manner, you're going to go drown a bag of puppies in a sewer.


15/04/10
"==>"






16/04/10
"John: Answer GC."



|PESTERLOG|
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file "LOW4SM4P.FL4" --
EB: what's this?
GC: 1T'S YOUR WORLD M4P
GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D
GC: SO YOU C4N GO TH3R3
EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i'm in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice!
GC: JOHN PL34S3
GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS
GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU
GC: 3V3N THOUGH T3CH1N1C4LLY YOU N3V3R 3V3N D13D SO 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 B1TCH1NG 4BOUT >:[
EB: yeah, well, dave said i did, and i believe him!
GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 H3 4ND YOU 4R3 B3ST PUP4 P4LS FOUR LYF3
GC: C4NT 1 B3 YOUR P4L TOO JOHN???
EB: i don't know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps!
GC: J3GUS JOHN
EB: what?
GC: 1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS
GC: TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON
EB: you mean my earth jesus?
GC: 1 DONT KNOW
GC: DO 1
EB: do you have a troll jegus?
GC: JOHN
GC: W3 H4V3 TH3 B3ST TROLL J3GUS
GC: YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW
EB: wow, really?
EB: or is this a joke?
GC: 1TS 4 JOK3
GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T 4 J3GUS 1S >:?
EB: well...
EB: neither do i, i guess.
EB: it's pretty much not anything.
GC: JOHN
GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P?????
GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST
GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3
GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND!
EB: um...
EB: ok.
EB: i'll take a look.


16/04/10
"John: Open map."






16/04/10
"John: Proceed to the second gate."






16/04/10
"John: Enter."



You spend the next twenty minutes staring at this image before you realize it's not a Flash file.


16/04/10
"==>"






16/04/10
"==>"






16/04/10
"==>"






17/04/10
"John: Get up."



Despite the pandemonium of your entrance, Rose is still sound asleep. She must be really tuckered out!

It looks like this little guy is awake and ready for action though. He is adorable. You decide to name him Dr. Meowgon Spengler.


17/04/10
"John: Answer Dave."



|PESTERLOG|
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: wow ok
TG: youre a little early
TG: but thats fine i guess
TG: also you suck at rockets
EB: ARGH!
TG: what
EB: she tricked me again.
TG: who
EB: GC.
EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate.
EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose's house instead.
EB: another prank!
TG: dude you did go through the second gate
TG: i mean i dont know why you would listen to her again
TG: kind of moronic but thats a whole other issue
TG: she didnt trick you this time
EB: oh...
EB: then, i don't really get this.
TG: what were you expecting
TG: this is how it works
TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing
TG: cycling through each planet
TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses
TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet
TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there
TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house
TG: and so on
EB: wow, ok.
TG: ordinarily rose would have already gone through her gate 1
TG: but shes sleeping pretty hard obviously
TG: and ordinarily you wouldnt have gone through gate 2 until her house was built up
TG: so you wouldnt fall to your death
TG: but you got your cheat rocket so thats fine
TG: see we all got to coordinate on this thing
EB: ok...
EB: how do you know all this?
TG: fuck
TG: come on dude
EB: oh yeah...
EB: you're the orange dave.
EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?
TG: god dammit
TG: i am the real dave
TG: you know the one who saved your life
TG: im more real actually cause ive been through some heavy shit already hopping around on red hot gears and i-beams for like a year
TG: and grinding shit out for your ungrateful ass
TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q
TG: youre fucking welcome
EB: wow, calm down!
EB: i'm sorry, that's not really what i meant...
EB: i mean, of course you're a real dave, but what i mean is...
EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he's in the same boat i'm in, not knowing stuff and all.
EB: and i'd feel bad keeping him out of the loop!

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --

TG: yo
EB: oh, hey.
EB: i think i pissed off your future self.
TG: what did you do
EB: i said he wasn't the real dave.
TG: ahahahahaha
EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though!
TG: pff
TG: dont worry about it
EB: why not?
TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit
TG: and hes me
EB: ok.
EB: i'm in rose's room by the way.
TG: what
TG: really
EB: yeah, but she's asleep!
TG: ok
TG: dont go anywhere
TG: im coming down to the computer
EB: ok.

TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer
TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff
TG: i mean thats what i would have done
TG: if you were alive
TG: so im gonna go
TG: use these flappy ghost wings and tear shit up in space or something
EB: sure!
EB: hey dave...
TG: what
EB: in case i forgot to say so before...
EB: thanks for saving my life!
TG: yeah

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --


17/04/10
"John: Snoop."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here
TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up
EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!
EB: i don't really like the idea of capering around her room while she's asleep, it feels weird.
EB: i'm going to wake her up.
TG: dude no come on
TG: shes out like a light anyway
TG: it was some like weird future thing that happened that made her sleep
EB: a future thing?
TG: yeah
TG: shit doesnt get more clear than that
EB: well, yeah, she won't wake up.
EB: so i guess so.
EB: but i'm not snooping!!!
TG: fine dont
TG: but here just do this one thing
TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you
EB: yeah.
EB: they look sorta like journals.
EB: i don't think i should read those!
TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to
TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for
TG: just pick them up
TG: you know like tidy up a bit since you made a royal fucking dump of her room just now
EB: uh, ok.


17/04/10
"John: Pick up books."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: now i need you to do something else
TG: this is important
TG: like for important game reasons and stuff
TG: take the card the books are on
TG: flip it over
EB: umm...
TG: so you can see the code
EB: wait a minute!
EB: i see what you're trying to do.
EB: i won't tell you the code for rose's books!
TG: dude you dont have to tell me the code
TG: just flip it over and let me know if theres a code there thats all
EB: ok...
EB: i guess.
EB: yeah there's a code.
TG: alright cool
TG: you can ditch the books now if you want
TG: maybe put them back on the floor
TG: so rose doesnt think you were snooping
TG: seriously youve got some grubby fingers bro why dont you mind your own business there
TG: what is even with you
EB: HAHA DAVE,
EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD.
TG: isnt that your birthday package there
EB: oh, yeah, i think it might be.
TG: maybe you should look at it
TG: i dont think it counts as snooping since its technically yours
EB: yeah, maybe.
EB: i wonder if she finished...
EB: she was so tight lipped about the damn thing! i am really curious.


17/04/10
"Dave: Zoom in."






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"==>"






18/04/10
"John: Check Rose's bookshelf."



You eye your birthday package again curiously. It's awfully tempting to peek inside, but you feel guilty about it for some reason, even though it's yours anyway.

You suppose a perusal of her bookshelf would be harmless enough. Just a bunch of books. The knowledge within is meant for everybody.

Dave pesters you with the message, "TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" which you decide not to bother dignifying with a whole pesterlog ordeal because it's probably just him being a truculent jackass again so screw him.


18/04/10
"John: Look at a book."



You find a book full of beautiful poetry and groundbreaking philosophical thinking by American Sports Legend, Charles Barkley.

These are words to cherish.

This is a man to treasure.


19/04/10
"John: Take book."



You captchalogue Rose's autographed copy of THIS OCEAN CHARLES. Jewels of wisdom like this don't just fall into your lap every day, and shouldn't be parted with lightly.

You doubt she'll mind if you borrow her book. She's always trying to get you to read her weird books anyway.


19/04/10
"John: Oh, just open the package already."



You can't take it anymore. You're going to see what's inside.


19/04/10
"==>"






19/04/10
"John,"



John,

I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it's the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless.

The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn't mean it that way. In fact, I'm sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here.

The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours.

I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday.

Rose



19/04/10
"John: Put the bunny back in the box."



This gift from Rose is so cool. Two sweet bunnies on one birthday?? What are the odds. In a fit of enthusiasm you SHUT UP AND JAM the bunny back in the box, executing a textbook CHAOS DUNK.

Millions would have perished, if everything in the ocean weren't dead already, that is.


20/04/10
"John: Take box."



You gently CHAOS DUNK the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogue it. It is such a nice present. You will have to write Rose a thank you note and tuck it under her hair band or something. Wait no, that would probably be creepy.

This bunny reminds you that you still have a salamander in your sylladex. She is holding the bunny Dave got you. It's sort of uncanny how similar they are, aside from the knitted enhancements. Seriously, what are the odds?? So weird.


20/04/10
"John: Deploy beloved daughter."



You release dear, precious Casey. She was probably getting antsy in that card. You think you'll leave her here with Rose. A dangerous quest is nothing to embark on with a sweet, innocent little girl stashed in your inventory.

You aren't actually sure if she is a girl though. You don't even know if salamanders can be girls. Aren't they hermaphrodites or something?

You don't know anything about biology. Unless it is biology that has to do with ghosts and slime. But even then you don't actually know anything, you just sort of like to pretend you do.

Looks like a troll is bugging Rose.


20/04/10
"John: Answer troll."



|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species
GA: I Have To Start Somewhere
GA: And Somewhen
GA: So I Am Starting With You
GA: And Now
GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant
GA: Mostly For Me
GA: Actually You Know What
GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All
GA: Goodbye
TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!
TT: but ok, see you.
GA: Is This
GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About
GA: That You Always Use
GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate
TT: umm... no?
GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did
GA: The Rose Human Specifically
TT: oh, yeah.
TT: that's me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say.
TT: i am the queen of books.
GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements
GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful
TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh
TT: i'm so burned, these burns are crazy.
TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already??
TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we're just going to all be friends at some point anyway.
GA: Have We Spoken Before
TT: i don't know, uh, maybe???
TT: it's hard to keep track with all your time nonsense.
GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation
TT: that's because you guys always do things the hard way.
TT: and the dumb way.
GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works
GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like
TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.
TT: you look kind of like...
TT: howie mandel from little monsters.
TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster.
TT: because he was a big goofy adult.
TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.
GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest
TT: no, it's a movie.
TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.
GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things
GA: Even Really Uninteresting Things That Are Pretty Terrible To Listen To
GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is
TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it's really nicely knitted and everything.
TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right.
GA: Uh Okay
TT: heh, just kidding. i'm sure john knows it's cause i am really thoughtful and i bet he really appreciates the present, and would say thank you if he were here!
GA: Okay Human Courtship Is Definitely A Strange Thing And Its Sort Of Blowing My Mind Listening To This
GA: I Think Ill Talk To Someone Else Now
TT: why don't you talk to john?
GA: Maybe
GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him
TT: oh man, i don't know.
TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?
TT: you know that's what you're gonna do anyway.
GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart
GA: And Basically Understand Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall About Even The Most Elementary Temporal Mechanics
GA: I Am A Bit Perplexed As To Why I Find Myself So Vehemently Fondling The Short End Of The Antagonism Stick Here
GA: Kind Of Irritating
GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades
GA: This John Human
GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On
TT: ok.
TT: if you talk to him in the past...
TT: he'll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he'll be confused.
TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don't know.
TT: and if you talk to him in the future...
TT: he'll probably know all this stuff, like things you've said to him but haven't said yet!
TT: and then you'll be confused.
TT: sorry, that's just how this works.
TT: don't say i didn't warn you!
GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter.
GA: Until Next Time Rose
GA: Next Time In The Past
TT: yeah, bye!
TT: (heheheheheheh)

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --


21/04/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network
GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport
TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up.
TA: whoa HERE2 an iidea.
TA: pre22 F1.
GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key
TA: liie2.
TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood.
TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2.
TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever.
TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.
TA: 2o go away.
GA: You Used To Like To Talk More
GA: If I Recall I Was Typically The One Who Would Solicit Reprieves From Your Nonsense
GA: So I Dont Know What Happened
TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie.
TA: and no one beliieved me.
TA: and now look at you all.
TA: all beliieviing me 2uddenly HMM UNCANNY.
GA: Then Why Are You Doing This
GA: Setting Up These Stations For Us
TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit.
TA: but ii wont troll any of them per2onally no way.
TA: kiind of juveniile.
TA: but you guys go knock your 2elve2 out ok.
TA: 2ee the menu up top?
TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport.
GA: I Did Fiddle With It
GA: To No Avail
TA: iif you cant fiigure shiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2.
TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2.
TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are.
TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology.
TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.


21/04/10
"==>"






21/04/10
"==>"






21/04/10
"==>"






21/04/10
"==>"






21/04/10
"[S] Rose and Dave: Shut up and jam."



Dave shows you some of his sweet gear. Wow he is so cool.


21/04/10
"==>"






21/04/10
"==>"






21/04/10
"Rose: First, be the pony. Second, follow Mom."



You are now the pony.

You stand outside some ruins which your beloved master's mother entered recently. Outside you find a striking scarcity of oats or greenery or anything at all that is delicious to chew on. This is as compelling a reason as any to follow her inside.


22/04/10
"Maplehoof: Enter."



You go in the ruins. Your clopping hooves echo throughout the cavernous and foreboding environment. But you are too stupid to be nervous.

Your powerful snout detects the scent of Rose's MOM. She went this way.


22/04/10
"Maplehoof: Follow scent."



Good grief, look at all this grist. A large and terrible monster must surely have been slain here.


22/04/10
"Maplehoof: Collect grist."



You pick up all the grist, and store it in Rose's GRIST CACHE.

This is entirely too much grist of too many exotic types for such a low level player. But you'll take it. You don't look a gift horse in the pink heart tattoo.

The grist overflow is gathered by the GRIST GUTTER utility supplied by GRIST TORRENT. It is stored and gradually redirected to other players.


22/04/10
"Maplehoof: Proceed."



Rose's MOM stands on a small platform and disappears.

You are a little nervous about transportalizing yourself. As a quadruped, grisly bisection strikes you as a very real possibility. Even though you're too dumb to think of such things.


22/04/10
"==>"






22/04/10
"John: First, be the hat. Second, find dad."



Rose stops being the pony just in time for John to start being the hat.


22/04/10
"==>"



THE BREEZE carries you to where you need to go.


22/04/10
"==>"



You settle in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat.

He gathers the clean hat, along with a shoe he found through similarly serendipitous means to replace one he lost.


22/04/10
"==>"






22/04/10
"==>"






22/04/10
"==>"






22/04/10
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22/04/10
"==>"






23/04/10
"John: Visit Rose's alchemiter."



You decide to try out the code Davesprite gave you.


23/04/10
"John: Make item."



The thing is huge, and costs a fortune. Half a million pieces of BUILD GRIST, GARNETS, DIAMONDS, and GOLD, and a single piece of QUARTZ.

There's no way you can make that, let alone wield it, even with your ghost gloves.


23/04/10
"John: Shrink it down."



You use the alchemiter's scaling upgrade to reduce it to a more manageable and affordable size.

You make a weapon called FEAR NO ANVIL.


23/04/10
"John: Pester Davesprite."



|PESTERLOG|
-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: so what is this?
EB: the thing the code made...
TG: really powerful hammer
EB: how do you know?
EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers.
TG: i cant
TG: better be though
TG: got it from hephaestus
EB: who's that?
TG: really tough to kill dude
EB: you killed him for it?
TG: nope
EB: how'd you get it then?
TG: shenanigans
EB: ok.


23/04/10
"Rose: Check out Dave's computer."



It seems you have a visitor.


23/04/10
"==>"






23/04/10
"==>"






23/04/10
"TA: Fix GA's computer."



There's nothing to fix. Just got to open the viewport. It's easy.


23/04/10
"==>"






23/04/10
"==>"






23/04/10
"Rose: Examine laptop."



Someone has been using your Pesterchum account.

And you somehow doubt the culprit was this young upright amphibian presently throwing a fit.


23/04/10
"Rose: Go find John."



You hurry to the door so you can catch John before he goes gallivanting off somewhere.

But it seems your door is ajar. Funny, you don't remember leaving your door ajar. Even though it's sort of absurd for you to take note of such a thing, considering John recently left your room.

Oh well, it doesn't matter. You will now proceed through this door uneventfully.


23/04/10
"Rose: Proceed through door uneventfully."



You get dumped on by a bucket full of HELLACIOUS BLUE PHLEGM ANEURYSM GUSHERS as a thoughtful but mischievous thank you gesture from John.

Your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT plunges to an all time low. You cannot hope to defeat Egbert in a prank-off. He is simply the best there is.


24/04/10
"John: Equip trusty rocket."



Rose obviously isn't waking up any time soon. Might as well take some time to explore, and maybe stop by again later.


24/04/10
"==>"



Why, Doctor Meowgon... do you want to come along for the ride? It sure looks that way.

Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits.


24/04/10
"John: Blast off."






24/04/10
"==>"






24/04/10
"==>"



Where is he off to now?

At least you have this little fellow here to keep you company.

You will name him Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer.


25/04/10
"Dave: Be the puppet."



You have no idea what the hell that means.

But yeah, you can kiss that obnoxious puppet goodbye. Maybe now you can get a decent night's sleep.


25/04/10
"==>"






25/04/10
"==>"






25/04/10
"==>"



Ok, this is the most ridiculous thing you have ever seen. What is taking place here is almost certainly illegal.

You're not sure which laws are being broken, but it is probably a lot.


25/04/10
"AR?: Follow."






25/04/10
"John: Explore."






25/04/10
"==>"



You spy a boat on the shore of one of the islands below. You wonder who could be out here rowing in the middle of the ocean.


25/04/10
"John: Investigate."



Hoofprints in the sand. The mystery deepens.


25/04/10
"John: Enter."



There are many frightening and powerful monsters in here.


25/04/10
"John: Aggress."



You stun them with the cool time powers of your awesome new hammer, and then dispatch them swiftly.


25/04/10
"John: Collect spoils."



The good Doctor Spengler helps you gather the riches.


25/04/10
"John: Proceed."



There's a platform over here. You guess you'll go stand on it oh wow it just made you disappear.


26/04/10
"==>"






26/04/10
"==>"






26/04/10
"==>"






26/04/10
"John: Explore lab."



Now what in the hell is going on in here.


26/04/10
"John: Explore lab further."



Now what in the hell is going on in here.


26/04/10
"John: Who cares, just ride the pony already."



YES. FUCK YES. HELL FUCKING YES.


26/04/10
"==>"



But seriously what in the hell is going on in here.


27/04/10
"John: But seriously, keep exploring."



You find a sweet getup. It's almost as if it was tailor made for you. How weird would that be???


27/04/10
"John: Put it on."



You equip the JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGIST'S LAB SUIT.


27/04/10
"John: Examine nearby station."



NOW WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE???

Of course it's obvious what's going on in here. It's another one of those four monitored house-shaped terminal thingies.


27/04/10
"AR?: Resist urge to ride bro's rocket board."



You fail to resist the urge.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD JUSTICE YO" and get this way rude municipality under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook filed for divorce from that shit and is now seeking custody of the hook and the shit's two kids.


27/04/10
"AR?: Pop a fucking wheelie."



These hops are unreal. Shit this flagrant should be illegal. It probably is.

But you don't care.


28/04/10
"==>"






28/04/10
"PM?: Prepare to depart for battlefield."



You have traveled to Prospit's moon to board a shuttle headed for the BATTLEFIELD. There you will seek the counsel of the WHITE KING.


28/04/10
"==>"






28/04/10
"==>"






28/04/10
"==>"






28/04/10
"==>"



You have unwittingly been tailed by a nefarious COURTYARD DROLL from Derse.


28/04/10
"CD?: Pick PM?'s pocket."






28/04/10
"==>"



You pilfer the WHITE QUEEN'S RING.


28/04/10
"PM?: Depart."



None the wiser, you board the shuttle. Next stop, Skaia.


28/04/10
"==>"



You receive an incoming message from the DRACONIAN DIGNITARY. You tell him you've got the ring. He says good, bring it to him while he waits for an update from the HEGEMONIC BRUTE who's been tracing the king's movements down on the battlefield.

He asks if you're still wearing that ridiculous outfit. He says you don't have to anymore, by orders of the SOVEREIGN SLAYER.

You say...

You say you'd still rather wear the outfit.

He's got nothing to say about that.


28/04/10
"==>"






28/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"



It's too late. She's gone. You'll have to remember to deliver it later, somehow.


29/04/10
"==>"



The best way to remind yourself that you're carrying a ring is to put it on your finger.


29/04/10
"==>"






29/04/10
"==>"



Of course that was just an imaginary transformation, since the ring doesn't work like that on humans. It was fun to pretend though.


04/05/10
"Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse..."



Somewhere, a WARWEARY VILLEIN rues eternal struggle between feuding royalty.

The BATTLEFIELD holds little promise for the peaceful life of a simple farmer.


04/05/10
"[S] WV?: Rise up."






05/05/10
"Rose: Alchemize a whole bunch of cool stuff."






05/05/10
"Rose: Combine hub and laptop."



You make the HUBTOP.

That one was pretty obvious.


05/05/10
"Rose: Combine bronzed vacuum and umbrella."



You make the BRONZED VACUUMBRELLA.

Useless.

But you're still getting warmed up.


05/05/10
"Rose: Combine salamander and eldritch plush."



You make a HUGGABLE SOFT SALAMANCER PLUSH.

You award it to the Viceroy on account of good behavior.


05/05/10
"Rose: Combine ink bottle and Gushers."



You make a box of BODACIOUS BLACK LIQUID SORROW GUSHERS.

Another Crocker nightmare rears its ugly head. The ink reverses the healing properties of the blue phlegm. These are pure poison.


06/05/10
"Rose: Combine hubtop and hair band."



You make the HUBTOPBAND, a convenient hands-free computing device.


06/05/10
"Rose: Combine magnetic W and bottle of vodka."



You make a bottle of MAGNETIC WODKA. In addition to having high alcohol content, the liquid inside appears to have magnetic properties.

You...

You GUESS this could be useful?


06/05/10
"Rose: Combine wizard statue and ball of yarn."



You make a ball of SILKEN WIZARDBEARD YARN (WITH MAGICAL PROPERTIES).

It has magical properties because it is made of a wizard.

Maybe you can make something with magical properties that is more useful than this.


06/05/10
"Rose: Combine wizard statue and knitting needles."



You make a pair of NEEDLEWANDS.

They crackle with the majyyk enyrjjies.

It is time to make something cool to wear.


06/05/10
"Rose: Combine knittings and velvet pillow and squiddle shirt"



You make a stylish VELVET SQUIDDLEKNIT DRESS.


06/05/10
"Rose: Combine needlewands and grimoire."



You make the THORNS OF OGLOGOTH.

The needles seem to shiver with the dark desires of THE DEEP ONE. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the FURTHEST RING and forget they ever existed.


06/05/10
"==>"






06/05/10
"==>"






06/05/10
"Rose: Aggrieve encroaching malefactors."






06/05/10
"==>"



WELCOME TO THE PARTY MOTHERFUCKERS


11/05/10
"Jade: Build."



You take advantage of Dave's nap to make some architectural headway on his building.


11/05/10
"==>"



You are really proud of your floorplan. It is

so

cool



11/05/10
"==>"



Speaking of naps, you have been asleep for some time yourself. You suppose you'd better wake up soon.

But then, your neighbor in the other tower is supposed to be waking up soon too, and it sure would be a shame if you weren't around to greet him!


12/05/10
"Dave: Wake up and jam."



And by jam you mean alchemize of course.

Whoa your house is huge suddenly.

Anyway let's get this party started.


12/05/10
"Dave: Combine sunglasses and iPhone."



You make a pair of iSHADES.

This one was really obvious cause future Dave had a pair, but he took them with him when he prototyped himself. But now you have a pair too so that's cool.


12/05/10
"Dave: Combine timetables and computer."



You make the TURNTOP.

Convenient computing on the go. Sort of like you have with your iSHADES, but with all your important files and apps on there. Not to mention Sburb.

Plus MAYBE it has some weird time powers??? You have no idea. You'll mess with it later.


12/05/10
"Dave: Combine puppet tux + smuppet."



You upgrade the PUPPET TUX future Dave made. He probably made it by combining one of your BRO'S badass marionette suits with your shirt, and scaling it up to fit. That's how you would have made it anyway.

You add a SMUPPET to the mix to make a softer and more stylish RED PLUSH PUPPET TUX. It is like walking around in snugly pajamas.

ACTION PAJAMAS.


12/05/10
"Dave: Combine broken Caledscratch and ruby contraband."



You combine a couple more items you got from future Dave's loot stash. The broken form of CALEDSCRATCH, and some RUBY CONTRABAND, whatever the hell that is.

The resulting item costs a fortune. You have no idea what it is.


12/05/10
"Dave: Preview item with holopad."



You momentarily reconfigure your alchemiter upgrades to make use of the HOLOPAD EXTENSION. You pop the card in the slot and check it out.

The combination would produce the BROKEN SCARLET RIBBITAR.


12/05/10
"Dave: Combine whole Caledscratch and ruby contraband."



Out of curiosity you try it again with a whole sword.

You dial back CALEDSCRATCH'S little turntable, rewinding the sword to a point in its history before it was broken. You then combine it with the red frog thingy to show the complete SCARLET RIBBITAR.

But there's no way you can afford to make that yet. It costs even more now.

Maybe you'll stick to combining items around your house for now, rather than stuff from your future sylladex. It'll be less confusing that way, and probably less expensive.


12/05/10
"Dave: Combine shitty sword and Hella Jeff drawing."



You use one of your BRO'S really shitty swords from the fridge and a printout of Hella Jeff to make a SORD.....

This thing is so unspeakably shitty you are having a hard time even holding it.




12/05/10
"Dave: Combine Snoop Dogg photo and mini A/C and Caledscratch"



You make the SNOOP DOGG SNOW CONE MACHETE.

When foes drop it like it's hot just turn up the blizzizzle nozzle so they chizzlax fo' rizzle.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine skateboard and Hella Jeff drawing."



You make UNREAL AIR.


13/05/10
"==>"



And there it goes.

It is RIDICULOUS what kind of air this thing is getting. Dude come get the ruler check this out.

Yeah, it's not coming back.


13/05/10
"Dave: Make another one."



You just make another one.

You quickly stash it in a card so it can't escape from above.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine Gamebro Magazine and timetables."



You turn back the clock and make a VINTAGE GAMEBRO.

You think you remember this one from your BRO'S stash. It's a classic.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine batarang + Midnight Crew poster."



You make a whole pile of SUITARANGS because they are really cool and pretty cheap.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Midnight Crew poster."



You make FOUR ACES SUITED.

You aren't really sure which one you like better. The red one is softer, while the black one is sort of stiff and starchy. Anyone wearing this suit is all business.

Maybe you'll switch it up as your mood dictates.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Felt poster."



This would make the FELT DUDS, if you had some of whatever that green grist is.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine smuppet and Felt poster."



You make a JUTTING OUT AND IMPUDENT FELT PLUSH.

You do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into his heart. And he, into yours.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine dead things in amber && smuppet."



You make a FOAM MUTANT SMUPPET ENCASED IN AMBER.

Now we're getting somewhere.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine dead things in amber || smuppet."



For the sake of science, you ||-combine them instead of &&-combine.

You make an AMBER MUTANT SMUPPET ABOMINATION.

So cool. Now this is how you make shit work. Egbert and Lalonde should be taking notes.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and Mr. T puppet."



You make the FOAM FETAL MR. T IN A JAR.

Another backbreaking victory for science.


13/05/10
"==>"



You're looking pretty chill with your new freakshow entourage.

The underlings all look kind of put off by it though. You're kind of weirding them out.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine camera and captchalogue card."



You make the CAPTCHAROID CAMERA.

You can use it to snap a ghost image of any object without captchaloguing it. Spits it out on a brand new captchalogue card every time. Could be a useful way to take a large inventory of anything you encounter without cluttering up your sylladex. Also for grabbing codes for stuff you can't ordinarily pick up.


13/05/10
"Dave: Take photo of self."



You take one of your patented ironic cool guy self portraits.

Man. So cool.

thats really all there is to say on the matter


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and self portrait photo."



That would apparently make DAVE'S BRAIN IN A JAR. Gross.

It costs a king's ransom though because of course the organ is virtually inimitable.

Doesn't stop you from captcharoiding its hologram though.


13/05/10
"Dave: Captcharoid the hologram of your own brain."



Ok, that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever done, but ok.


13/05/10
"Dave: Combine brain and SBaHJ drawing and captcharoid camera"



You make the SBAHJIFIER.

Finally, something useful.

It cost you -1000 units of ARTIFACT GRIST.


13/05/10
"Dave: Try it out."



Looks like it automatically prints out a SBaHJ comic in some way related to whatever you take a picture of.

This should save you a lot of time. Specifically the five minutes it takes you to draw a comic. You're a busy guy.


14/05/10
"==>"






14/05/10
"Dave: Make copies of Rose's journals."



Can't forget the most important thing you came up here to make.

Gotta be gettin' your snoop on.


14/05/10
"Dave: Take a look."



One book is titled "MEOW". The other is titled "Complacency of the Learned".

Gee, you wonder what could be in MEOW.


14/05/10
"Dave: Read it."



|JOURNALOG|
MWOEWEOWOEOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWOEWEOWMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWOEW
MEWMMWOMEWEOWEOEWOMOWEMWMOEWEOEMWMOMMWEMWOMWEWWMWMWOEWEO
MWMWOWEOWMEOMEWEMOMWEMWMOEWMOEWMOEWMWEWOMEWMOEMWOMEWMEWE
MWMOEOMMMOMOMOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMOWWMWWMWMOEWEO
OOMOMOEEOMWMWEOWEOMWMOWMWEOMWEMWOWMWOEOMWEOMWWWMWEWEWEWO
WOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWE
OWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWEWEOWEOEWOMOWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEW
EWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEW
EWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWO
WEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEM
MMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWM
WMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWM
OWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEO
WMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOM
WEMMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWW
MWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWE
OMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMW



14/05/10
"==>"



To no surprise at all, this book is full of more MEOW letters. Looks like Rose is totally nuts. What else is new.

You guess you'll try out the other book. Looks like it's some sort of creative writing project.


14/05/10
"Dave: Read Complacency of the Learned."



|JOURNALOG|
Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the wise, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe.

Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation.

"You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation.

"I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written."

"What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in.

"I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more pressing line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now.

Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike.

It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets.

His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake.

And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency.

"We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)



14/05/10
"==>"



This wizard story seems really involved and kind of confusing. You'll have to save your place and dig into it later, and then maybe ask Rose what the hell the deal with it is.


14/05/10
"Dave: Go get a bookmark."



You return to your room in search of a bookmark.

Oh, hey. Finally a use for that pointless juice stained beta that will never serve any purpose, past or future.


14/05/10
"==>"



You drop it on the john in case you're looking for some reading material later.


14/05/10
"Dave: Check on Rose."






14/05/10
"Dave: Pester."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: whoa why are you burning your wizard fanfiction
TT: I'm not.
TT: This book contains a genetic code.
TG: oh ok
TG: then why are you burning that
TT: The gods from the Furthest Ring asked me to.
TG: is that some dumb wizard thing you just made up
TG: or something to do with tentacle monsters
TG: i cant keep track of what you like anymore
TT: How did you know I wrote a story about wizards, anyway?
TG: john told me
TG: he was all snoopin around your room while you were asleep and i was like no man dont
TG: so not cool
TG: then he was like haha dude check it out this book is full of wizard slash
TG: and i was like i dont even want to know this is such a crazy violation of privacy
TT: This story sounds suspicious.
TG: do you want me to chew him out about it i will because that was so outrageous i dont know where he got off being like that
TT: No, I don't actually mind.
TT: Too bad I missed him.
TG: i thought you hated wizards
TG: whats the deal with that
TT: I like wizards.
TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me.
TG: oh man thats so messed up
TG: that you think that
TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always
TG: you and she could probably have been chatting up how awesome wizards were this whole time but no
TG: youre probably burning your nutjob meow book to spite her too arent you
TT: No, I told you.
TT: It's one of the gene sequences locked in my subconcious.
TT: The gods say it's critical to destroy it.
TG: oh yeah
TG: i thought that was a joke
TG: when did they say that
TT: When I was asleep.
TG: you mean when we were dancing and stuff in our dreams
TT: Yes.
TT: When I flew to your tower, I heard them.
TT: They're far above, in the dark sky.
TG: ive never seen or heard these things in my dreams
TT: Aren't you often distracted?
TT: By music and puppets?
TG: uh yeah
TT: Have you ever looked into the sky without your shades?
TG: no what a ridiculous question
TT: Maybe you should try it some time.
TG: ....
TT: You're the prince of the moon.
TG: ........
TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience.
TG: ..........................
TT: What do all these dots mean.........
TG: dunno
TG: anyway yeah i guess ill do that
TG: get some sky monsters to boss me around sounds cool


16/05/10
"Davesprite: Also pester."



|PESTERLOG|
TG: so really why are you burning that
TT: I just explained this to Other Dave.
TT: Do I have to explain everything to you twice now?
TG: no i know
TG: im using daves spare computer i saw the whole conversation through his pesterchum account
TT: Oh, I see.
TT: So instead of having to double explain, I merely have to put up with being double spied upon.
TT: What a relief!
TG: i just mean
TG: you didnt burn that book in the future
TG: that book was completely pointless
TT: I know.
TT: But now it's not.
TT: You appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past.
TG: so does that mean the sleeping thing worked
TG: you remember the future
TT: I remember some things.
TG: ok cool
TG: so why is the cat code so terrible now
TT: I don't know.
TT: But the gods were pretty emphatic about it.
TG: well ok i guess its done but why are you so sure theyre right
TT: Have you ever known them to be wrong?
TG: i guess not
TG: but they sort of freak me out
TG: i mean listening to gross space mutants all day isnt my idea of an awesome time
TG: especially the ones that sing oh god
TT: Is that why you always kept the music turned up?
TG: no i flip out to ill jams because they kick ass
TG: obviously
TT: I guess we'll chalk another riddle up in the solved column.
TG: yeah case the fuck closed

TG: are you talking to future me
TT: Yes.
TG: ok im out of the loop again
TG: between you taking orders from dream beasts and bird wing me with like
TG: future secrets
TG: im doing some sort of spectacular fucking jackknife off the loop and getting a wink and a nod from barack obana
TG: im coming upstairs
TT: Ok.


16/05/10
"==>"






16/05/10
"==>"






16/05/10
"Dave: Chill with Davesprite."



|SPRITELOG|
DAVE: so it was pretty funny how i made a copy of roses evil book right before she burned it and now she doesnt know about it
DAVESPRITE: i know its crazy what kind of foresight this guy has
DAVESPRITE: im telling you coincidences like that are unreal they dont even happen
DAVESPRITE: most of the time
DAVE: the best thing about how i did that is how it in no way will ever come back to bite us in the ass ever
DAVESPRITE: dude our shit is SAFE
DAVE: so safe
DAVESPRITE: gonna sleep pretty sound tonight
DAVESPRITE: with that big fucking payload of safety you just got dropped on us
DAVESPRITE: gonna be all huggin my pillow and shit
DAVESPRITE: grinning like a goddamn bear full of honey
DAVE: safer than some flintstone vitamins in a bottle
DAVE: keep twisting junior all you get is clicks
DAVESPRITE: asshole thinks its candy
DAVESPRITE: doesnt even know he just stepped on a security rake and got a face full of fucking safety
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: anyway guess ill go back down and burn that book
DAVESPRITE: alright


16/05/10
"==>"






16/05/10
"Dave: Go back in time and stop the thief."



It looks like you already tried that.

Whoever took those books was a pretty cold blooded dude.

You figure you'll cool it on the time travel for a while. Don't want to see the Dave corpses start to pile up. Especially if one of them winds up being you.


16/05/10
"Dave: Throw yourself out the window."



You ditch the body before Jade sees it. That would probably freak her out.


19/05/10
"John: Press a button on the control panel."



You push one of the nearby buttons. It activates the upper right monitor. The view is locked on to a particular location on Earth at a particular date and time.

Whoever was in the lab appears to have recently calibrated this device.


19/05/10
"John: Examine monitor."



The monitor displays a town on the west coast of the United States. It appears to be your old neighborhood. But there is a factory there you do not recognize. The date is December 1st, 1995, a few months before you were born.


19/05/10
"John: Zoom in."



An old woman is escorted by her son on a lovely day. A target has been locked over the gentleman's mother.


19/05/10
"==>"



A meteor overhead looms unnoticed.


19/05/10
"==>"



They witness the destruction of the facility. Collateral damage to a corporation owned by a renowned billionaire explorer.

A mystery begins.


19/05/10
"John: Press blue button."






19/05/10
"==>"



You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the woman you recognize to be your grandmother.


19/05/10
"==>"



The ghost sludge is sucked into a glass tube.


19/05/10
"John: => SWITCH 4"



You switch to a monitor displaying a view of a remote island in the Pacific, on December 3rd, 1995.


19/05/10
"John: Zoom in."



A renowned billionaire explorer approaches on his yacht. An old factory lost two days prior, but a new shipmate gained. Together they settle the island and plunder its secrets.


19/05/10
"==>"



A meteor overhead streaks unnoticed, headed toward an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.


19/05/10
"John: Press blue button."



You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the man you spotted in the woods with your book. The ghost sludge is collected.


19/05/10
"John: => SWITCH 3"



You switch to a view of an unseasonably warm city in the central United States, on December 4th, 1995.


19/05/10
"John: Zoom in."



An outrageously awesome dude stands before a crater where his favorite record shop stood one day prior.


19/05/10
"==>"



He is prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome shades.

A meteor overhead races unnoticed, headed to a lake near a laboratory on the east coast of the United States. No aquatic life would survive.


19/05/10
"John: Press blue button."



You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the outrageously awesome dude. The sludge is allocated to one of another pair of tubes.


19/05/10
"John: => SWITCH 2"



You switch again to a view of your neighborhood, on April 13th, 1996. It is the day of your birth.

There is more real estate you do not recognize near the recently devastated baked goods facility. It is a shopping mall you have never seen before.


19/05/10
"John: Zoom in."



A professional lady and new mother has traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he is on expedition.

She notices a meteor overhead, on collision course with a quaint family joke shop. A distinguished gentleman notices the lady and comes outside to greet her, oblivious to the threat above. The gentleman's mother remains inside, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty unabridged joke book.


19/05/10
"==>"



An old mother lost today, but a new son gained.


19/05/10
"==>"



The gentleman discovers a clue. A powerful nose detects perfume. The lady has fled. The mystery deepens.


19/05/10
"==>"



But the monitor has not lost track of the lady.


19/05/10
"John: Press blue button."



You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the professional lady. The sludge fills the final tube.

Once all the tubes are filled, an automated sequence begins to execute.


19/05/10
"==>"



Four young PARADOX CLONES are created.


19/05/10
"John: There's one more button to push."



Ectobiology sure does involve a lot of button pushing. At least it does when you're a junior ectobiologist.

Your loyal assistant Dr. Meowgon is all over this one.


19/05/10
"==>"



One pair of tubes empties the sludge into the chamber below.

The other pair does as well.

Another sequence is activated.


19/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"John: Scale echeladder."



You storm up your ECHELADDER to claim the coveted if difficult to pronounce rung: ECTOBIOLOBABYSITTER.

Your ladder is absolutely hemorrhaging the boondollars. Just what your porkhollow's fat ass needs.


20/05/10
"==>"



You surpass ONE MILLION BOONDOLLARS and trade them all in for a single whopping BOONBUCK. This is of course going directly into the college fund for these youngsters.

Sure is heavy. Into the hollow it goes.


20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"Navigating the veil nearby..."



An old man has much to do before he returns to Earth, dies, gets stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter-slash-grand-daughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace.

Taking priority at the moment is shipping two passengers long overdue for a reunion.


20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






20/05/10
"==>"






21/05/10
"CG: Troll John."



|PESTERLOG|
CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.
EB: what point?
CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING.
CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.
CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE.
CG: OK THAT'S YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT ME SOME MORE I GUESS.
CG: BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF WHENEVER I FLAME YOU.
CG: HUMANS ARE DERANGED.
EB: oh man, i must be getting closer to the conversations where you're trolling me harder!
EB: this is pretty exciting, i can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve.
CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN??? FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT.
EB: anyway, you weren't making a point about the ultimate riddle, dude.
CG: YES I WAS, AND NOW I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT DIPSHIT.
EB: nope, we never talked about it.
EB: yet...
CG: OH HELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
CG: DAMMIT, I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO BE CONFUSING.
EB: oh, you're just starting to figure that out now?
CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER.
CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT.
CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE.
CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE.
CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS.
EB: oh my god, i know, you've already told me like a million times!!!
CG: I HAVE?
CG: WOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL THESE AMAZING CONVERSATIONS TO TAKE PLACE.
CG: IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT HUMAN VACATION WITH THE GIANT RED CHIMNEY ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.
CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF MOANY NOOKSUCKERS SING AT A LITTLE PINE TREE I THINK.
EB: man, i've got to say i'm a little disappointed by this "masterful trolling" you were bragging about.
CG: I WAS BRAGGING?
CG: WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THAT SORT OF PEDANTIC HUMAN HORSESHIT.
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT I WAS BRAGGING TO GET YOUR HOPES UP IN THE FUTURE.
CG: ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN.
CG: AND THUS TROLL YOU MASTERFULLY IN THAT RESPECT.
EB: maybe, but that would be pretty weak too!!!
CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT.
EB: w/e.
EB: so what was the "case in point" you were making, anyway?
CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL.
EB: whoa, i am?
CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.
CG: AND YOU JUST CREATED YOUNGER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR GUARDIANS.
CG: PROBABLY BY MUCKING AROUND WITH THAT THING LIKE A DOOFUS.
EB: wait...
EB: these are baby versions of us?
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA, SO CLUELESS.
CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING THERE ANYWAY.
EB: well...
EB: i saw footage of my nanna, and some other people who i am pretty sure were like jade's grandpa and rose's mom and stuff from a long time ago.
EB: and then...
EB: there were all these little guys scurrying around.
EB: so they are like cloned copies of us?
CG: NO.
CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS.
CG: PARADOX CLONES.
EB: huh?
EB: what do you mean they are literally us?
EB: do they go back in time?
CG: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. GREAT GUESS BRAIN HERO.
CG: BUT TECHNICALLY THEY AREN'T EVEN SENT BACK IN TIME BECAUSE WITH RESPECT TO THE MEDIUM YOUR UNIVERSE'S TIMELINE IS MEANINGLESS.
CG: SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD IT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT EARTH'S PAST OR FUTURE OR WHATEVER, FROM IT'S PERSPECTIVE IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF POINTS TO CHOOSE FROM.
CG: JUST LIKE YOUR CHRONOLOGY IS FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE.
CG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S A BUNCH OF SEMANTICS. WITH RESPECT TO YOUR PERSONAL CHRONOLOGY YEAH THEY GO BACK IN TIME.
CG: A PARADOX CLONE IS BY DEFINITION A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED.
CG: IF IT'S A MALFORMED CLONE, IT'S JUST A MEANINGLESS MUTANT THAT HAS NO BEARING ON THE STABLE LOOP CONTINUUM.
CG: I DON'T SEE ANY TENTACLES OR EXTRA EYEBALLS OR WARPED BONE BULGES, SO THOSE GROSS LITTLE THINGS THERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS, WAITING TO GO TO EARTH AND GROW UP AND BECOME THE INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS YOU ALL ARE NOW.
CG: AND THIS WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.
EB: what is the riddle anyway?
EB: maybe i can guess, i am good at riddles!
CG: HAHAHA, THINK AGAIN IGNORAMUS.
CG: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GREAT.
CG: OR EVEN MUCH OF A RIDDLE AT ALL.
CG: IN THE COURSE OF YOUR ADVENTURE YOU WOULD HAVE ENCOUNTERED ALL THESE FRAGMENTS OF LIKE WEIRD POEMS AND SHIT.
CG: YOU FIND THEM ALONG YOUR QUESTS, WITH CLUES AND STUFF BURIED IN THEM TO HELP YOU SOLVE PUZZLES AND MOVE HUGE STONE COLUMNS AND MAKE STAIRCASES APPEAR AND LOTS OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.
CG: AND IT'S ALL MASKED IN THIS FLOWERY SORT OF FROTHY POETIC JACKASSERY THAT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT.
CG: AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILING IT FOR YOU.
CG: BUT WHAT ALL THESE LOFTY SYMBOLIC ALLUSIONS BOIL DOWN TO IS SOME GRANDER STATEMENT ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE HAPPENING HERE.
CG: THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE KEY TO SEEDING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE THROUGH THIS GAME.
CG: AND ANY HOPE THAT IT COULD HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY OR THAT YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE MESS WAS ALWAYS JUST A RUSE.
EB: a distaction, perhaps?
CG: WHAT?
EB: nevermind.
CG: BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T GO DOWN THIS WAY THEN HOW WERE YOU EVEN BORN, GET IT.
CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE.
CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.
CG: ACTUALLY IT'S SORT OF HILARIOUS.
CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME PERSONALLY.
CG: BUT ANYWAY, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE RIDDLE THAN JUST THAT, LIKE WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT LAST TIME WE TALKED.
CG: BUT THAT'S SORT OF THE GIST OF THE THEMES IT DEALS WITH.
EB: ok.
EB: well, if i run into some salamanders who tell me all about this riddle and get really excited about it, i will try to act surprised.
EB: so this is the same kind of thing you went through?
EB: with, like, being your own paradox clones and creating your own parents and stuff?
CG: YEAH.
EB: how did that even work, with 12 of you?
CG: IT WAS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT.
CG: OUR FAMILY STRUCTURES ARE ALREADY WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOURS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING SPOOKY TIME SLIME INVOLVED.
CG: BASICALLY WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WHATSOEVER.
CG: EXCEPT MAYBE THIS...
CG: I WAS THE GUY IN YOUR POSITION, TO MAKE ALL THESE CLONES, AND FRANKLY IT ALL KIND OF FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT.
EB: huh...
EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange...
CG: OH, ONLY JUST NOW???
CG: FUCK YOU ARE FAST, I HOPE YOU GOT THE MAD BOONBUCKS TO PAY OFF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS.
EB: no, no, i mean the ghost stuff and paradoxes are one thing of course...
EB: it's something else.
EB: it's just...
EB: this is really weird...
CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
EB: well, normally humans hatch...
EB: from like these slimy pods.
EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.
CG: OH REALLY.
CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.
EB: (hehehehehehehe)
CG: MAYBE THOSE REALLY ARE MUTANT CLONES AND THEY AREN'T GOING BACK TO SEED YOUR PLANET???
EB: um...
EB: sure...?
CG: HELL, I'M CONFUSED NOW.
CG: NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR POINTLESS AWFUL LIVES.
EB: hey, i have an idea.
EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes?
EB: i mean like a few minutes of my time, not yours.
EB: all of these little pink monkeys are getting way out of line and i have to tend to them.
EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change!
CG: UM, OK?
EB: and then after that you can keep going backwards and then make fun of me riding my little red rocket.
EB: you can tell me i look like a silly little paradox clone fresh out of my slime tube and this is just all a big nurseytime recess jamboree.
EB: that would burn me good!
CG: OK THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.
CG: BUT I CAN'T USE IT, BECAUSE YOU SAID IT, AND THEN LATER, I.E. RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU WERE THE ONE TO COME UP WITH THAT BURN.
CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN'T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING.
EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)


22/05/10
"John: Tend to little pink monkeys."



They're scramblin' all over the place!

They appear to be preoccupied by some of the objects littered around the lab. At least it is keeping them busy.


22/05/10
"==>"






22/05/10
"==>"






22/05/10
"John: Get trolled by CG again."



|PESTERLOG|
CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.
CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING.
EB: yeah!
CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.
EB: wait!
CG: WHAT.
EB: i was just looking at all these rascals, and i was wondering...
EB: how they go back in time and become us and stuff.
EB: does it have something to do with the reckoning?
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.
EB: you told me.
EB: we had this great dare going.
EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative.
EB: and you totally lost, dude!
EB: you were hella helpful.
CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE.
CG: WHAT IS A DARE ANYWAY, IT'S NOTHING.
CG: SOMEONE SAYS DO SOMETHING AND THEN, OH LAUGH LAUGH, YOU LOSE IF YOU DON'T DO IT.
CG: THAT ISN'T ANYTHING THAT DESERVES A WORD.
CG: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR DARE IN OUR LANGUAGE.
CG: THE CLOSEST APPROXIMATION WOULD BE "WORTHLESS FUCKING BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME FOR SILLY LITTLE CHILDREN"
EB: oh, wow.
EB: is that the title of a movie too?
CG: YES, IT'S THE TITLE OF EVERY DUMB MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED.
EB: ha ha, that isn't even true and doesn't make sense!
CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE.
CG: YOU WOULD DARE ME TO DO SOMETHING, THEN I WOULD DO IT NEXT TIME, BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE DARE.
CG: BECAUSE WE DIDN'T MAKE IT YET.
CG: THAT'S WHAT ISN'T TRUE AND DOESN'T MAKE SENSE YOU DAMP BAG OF PUKE.
EB: well yeah, the dare never happened, i was joking around and made that up to give you hard time.
CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE.
CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR?
EB: i am wearing a lab coat!
EB: sort of...
CG: YOU LOOK LIKE AN ELF.
EB: that's bullshit!
CG: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD BE BLOWING INTO A FUNNY LITTLE SHELL, AND LIMBERING UP FOR A SILLY COOKIE DANCE.
EB: do you even have elves?
CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE.
CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN!
EB: uh, what?
CG: YOU ASKED ABOUT THE RECKONING, SO WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD OF ALL THESE PRETTY MUCH TERRIBLE THINGS.
EB: ok.
CG: YEAH, SO WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS HAPPENING, ALL THESE PARADOX CLONES GET SHIPPED OFF TO METEORS, FLUNG THROUGH SKAIAN DEFENSE PORTALS, AND SENT BACK TO EARTH.
CG: END OF STORY I GUESS.
CG: BYE.
EB: wait!!!
EB: so that means...
EB: we are all sort of like superman?
CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS.
EB: cool!
CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO'S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN.
CG: IT'S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN'T EVEN HUMAN.
CG: ACTUALLY IT'S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC.
CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE.
CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS.
CG: WE ARE, BITCHES.
EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess.
EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time?
CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT.
CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE.
CG: ADIOS LOSER.
EB: wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok?
CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ;
CG: FINE.


22/05/10
"==>"






23/05/10
"AR?: Shred."



You are ripping up so many hellaceous shreds this fierceshitty biznasty is getting so deliriously rudebrazen it...

Ok you lost the handle on that sentence.

Oh my god, is that what you think it is?


23/05/10
"==>"



This thing is so completely illegal.

How could this atrocity be floating out here unnoticed all this time?

You are going to throw whoever is responsible into the slammer.

You always call jail the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes.


23/05/10
"AR?: Go in."



There is a large elevator platform ahead.


23/05/10
"AR?: Go down."



Below there is a dark cavernous room.

Near the platform is a TIME CAPSULE. It has deployed a SEED, and waits for something to be deposited, and for the clock to be set.

It is all harmless enough. Still no sign of any perpetrators.


23/05/10
"AR?: Search premises."



Deeper into the darkness of the room there is some complicated lab equipment. Again, nothing particularly unusual for this jurisdiction.


23/05/10
"AR?: Examine equipment."



There is a large monitor. Displayed on it is a small human girl in a fancy house. The date is April 21, 1910.


23/05/10
"==>"



Eight days prior, the orphan girl was taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. He recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness.


23/05/10
"==>"



There is an explosion in the colonel's back yard.

Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!


23/05/10
"==>"



The colonel and his new grand daughter investigate.

The impact site is where a dog house stood moments ago. It was the magnificent abode of the man's beloved pet, HALLEY.

He takes a belt from the old julep flask. He'd sooner perish himself than lose that dear animal.


23/05/10
"==>"



People would think reports of the man's death were greatly exaggerated.

But they weren't.


23/05/10
"==>"



This is exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols.


23/05/10
"==>"



An old colonel lost, but a new brother gained.


23/05/10
"==>"



Ah ha! There's HALLEY. The youngsters adore their new guardian. Good dog. Best friend.

The young boy has difficulty pronouncing the name though. Sounds more like "Harley" when he says it.


23/05/10
"AR?: Fast forward."



Thirteen years later, the boy develops a taste for adventure. He and his guardian bid farewell. His sister is sad. She will be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness. She can handle it, he tells her. He believes in her.


24/05/10
"==>"



This all seems pointless to you, and immaterial to the crime that has been committed.

Though you do find it odd that the appearifier target has been fixed over that especially stupid looking animal.

You hear the elevator platform. Someone is coming.


24/05/10
"==>"



It is a high ranking agent from your kingdom.

Could he be the man behind this crime? Could his intent be mutinous?

You know the agent to be far too dangerous to take into custody. You hide behind some equipment and observe.


24/05/10
"==>"



He appears to be holding some notebooks. Also what appears to be a pair of juice-stained envelopes.


24/05/10
"==>"



Only one of the books is useful to him. The envelopes are useless. And he couldn't make it through more than a paragraph of the other book. Some weird thing about wizards. He discards them.

The spare notebook lands on the floor. The envelopes land in the SEED.


24/05/10
"==>"



The TIME CAPSULE stores the seed, and on account of some default setting, is programmed to bloom several hundred million years from now.

The capsule then readies a new seed.


24/05/10
"==>"



The agent approaches another device near the large monitor.


24/05/10
"John: Get trolled by CG in sane and linear manner."



|PESTERLOG|
CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU.
CG: ARE YOU HAPPY.
EB: sure, i guess.
CG: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET.
CG: BUT YOU ARE ABOUT TO START PASSING OUT BUNNIES LIKE THEY'RE CHEAP CIGARS.
CG: IT'S GOING TO BE AN EMBARRASSING DISPLAY.
EB: what are you talking about?
CG: YEAH, EXACTLY, NUMSKULL.
CG: LET'S JUST HAVE OUR CHAT, THEN IT CAN NATURALLY OCCUR TO YOU TO BE AN IDIOT IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME.
EB: ok...
EB: i was sort of mulling it over while looking at all these babies with guns and sitting on ponies and things...
EB: and how the reckoning takes them back.
EB: and how you said our reckoning starts sooner.
CG: YEAH.
EB: are you sure it has to start so soon? can't we delay it?
CG: HAHAHAHA.
CG: IT STARTS IN A FEW MINUTES STUPID.
CG: SEE THAT COUNTDOWN CLOCK OVER THERE?
CG: YOU AREN'T DELAYING ANYTHING.
EB: oh... dang!
EB: i guess i better get off this meteor then!
CG: WELL I MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE.
CG: FIRST SOME SMALLER METEORS GO.
CG: THEN BIGGER ONES.
CG: SPREAD OUT OVER LIKE 24 HOURS OR SO.
CG: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE...
CG: GO TIME.
CG: WHEN IT STARTS.
CG: LIKE IT'S TIME TO HURRY UP AND STOP FUCKING AROUND AND KILL THE BOSS, GET IT?
CG: THE ROCK YOU'RE ON DOESN'T BLAST OFF RIGHT AWAY.
CG: TOO BAD, BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SPARED YOU FROM MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF IN A COUPLE MINUTES, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, SPARED ME FROM HAVING TO WATCH.
EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why!
EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly?
CG: JACK NOIR.


24/05/10
"==>"



|PESTERLOG|
EB: who is jack noir?
CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE.
CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER.
CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE.
EB: so you didn't have him in your game?
CG: NO, WE DID.
CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS.
CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF.
CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER.
CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET.
CG: HE'S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH.
CG: BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO.
CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL.
EB: i see.
EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble?
CG: NO, GOD.
CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH.
CG: TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY.
CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES.
CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY?
CG: NAME ONE.
EB: ummmm...
EB: crash bandicoot?
CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT.
CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT.
CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS.
CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS.
CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT.
CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO.
CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES.
CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER.
CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING...
EB: like an ace?
CG: SURE OK.
EB: ok, i think i get it.
EB: but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did?
CG: FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS.
CG: IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION.
CG: BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME.
CG: FOR YOU.
EB: oh no!
EB: what is the worst thing?
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.
EB: dammit!
EB: oh, hey...
EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something.
CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY.
EB: oh!!!!!
EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect.
EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect.
CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES?
CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES.
EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer.
CG: FUCK.
EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well.
CG: JUST...
CG: AUGH.


26/05/10
"[S] John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter."






26/05/10
"END OF ACT 4"






26/05/10
"==>"



It'll be a few more pages.


27/05/10
"==>"






27/05/10
"Dave: Get trolled by GC."



|PESTERLOG|
GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3
TG: what
GC: YOUR BLOOD
TG: fuck off
GC: D4V3
GC: G1V3 1T 4 L1TTL3 T4ST3 FOR M3
GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3
GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS >:]
TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you
GC: Y34H
TG: dave told me about you
GC: GOD
GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S
GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY
GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS
GC: >;]
TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal
TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick
GC: I B3T YOU C4NT W41T TO B3 4 US3L3SS P13C3 OF SH1T 4LL D4Y 4ND F4LL DOWN 4LL TH3S3 BURNS
TG: no you messed that up
GC: D4V3 D4V3
GC: 1S TH1S YOU
GC: http://tinyurl.com/PUR3D4V3
TG: uh
GC: PFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss
TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H
TG: this is moronic
GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3
GC: OR 1LL M4K3 4NOTH3R ON3
GC: 4ND 1 KNOW TH3S3 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS
GC: >:D
TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like
TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like
TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas
TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands
TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things
TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know
TG: this miraculous gift of vision
GC: D4V3 D4V3
GC: CH3CK 1T OUT
GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT
GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU!
GC: http://tinyurl.com/TH1S1SSOOOOD4V3
GC: 444444444H4H4HH4H4H4H44H444H4HH4H4H4H4H4
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H33H3H3H3H34H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
TG: i could give myself a hernia trying to be as big a douche as that guy
TG: i could try but it would wind up like a motorcycle stunt gone horribly wrong
TG: my broken body would flop and tumble around like a rag doll
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4HH4H4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H
GC: OH GOD 1 C4NT BR34TH3!!!!
TG: and yet as much as that guys the tooliest dude i could ever hope to meet he and i would still get along famously
TG: cause we can both see
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H333H3H3H3H3H
GC: H4H4H44H4H4H
TG: just him and me
TG: havin a see party
TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours
GC: D4V3
GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY?
TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere
TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight
GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS?
TG: yeah thats fine


30/05/10
"Jade: Get trolled by AT."



|PESTERLOG|
-- adiosToreador [AT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY,
GG: ummmmmm.....
AT: wHERE YOU CAN TYPE, bECAUSE YOU ARE ASLEEP,
GG: oh! yes it appears so!!!
AT: oK, uHH, iN THAT CASE, aRE YOU HAVING A PLEASANT NAP,
GG: i guess! ive been pretty busy here
GG: ive had to stay asleep for a long time because john is supposed to wake up soon
GG: but he just wont wake up!!!!!
GG: im pretty sure im supposed to be the one to wake him but i dont know what to do :(
AT: uHHHHH,
GG: huh??
AT: oHH, sORRY,
AT: i WAS LOOKING TO SEE IF i COULD SEE HIM BE AWAKE IN THE FUTURE,
AT: bUT i CANT SEE IN HIS DREAMS, oR ANYTHING,
GG: oh......
GG: well thanks for trying anyway!
AT: bUT YOU WILL WAKE UP SOON, iT LOOKS LIKE,
AT: sO MAYBE THIS MEANS YOU HAVE SUCCESS,
GG: i hope so!
GG: what am i doing when i wake up?
AT: oH, gOODNESS, tHERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON, aND THERE IS A LOT OF TROUBLE THAT YOU ARE IN,
GG: oh no!!!!!
AT: bUT, wHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS, iS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME ANYWAY,
AT: tHIS IS YOUR LAST DAY,
AT: bEFORE YOU MAKE THE RIFT,
AT: aND THEN i CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT, aNYMORE,
AT: wHICH IS OK, wITH ME, bECAUSE, tO BE HONEST,
AT: sEEING YOUR WHOLE BIG CONFUSING FUTURE AND PAST IS, kIND OF OVERWHELMING,
GG: yes i know what you mean....
AT: iTS SO COMPLICATED, aND, i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT i SHOULD BE ACCOMPLISHING,
AT: i THINK,
AT: uSING THESE GADGETS AND THINGS, aND MY TIME LINE ADVANTAGES, tO PLAY PRANKS ON YOU,
GG: that sounds like it would be fun!
GG: but you guys never even played pranks on me, you were always just kinda mean D:
AT: sORRY, }:(
AT: i THINK,
AT: tHE IDIOTIC THING ABOUT TROLLIAN IS,
AT: iF YOU USE IT TO TROLL PEOPLE, i THINK YOU ARE JUST AS LIKELY TO GET TROLLED YOURSELF,
AT: mAYBE EVEN MORE BADLY,
AT: wHICH i THINK IS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, jUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
GG: well i know i havent trolled you guys!
GG: or not yet.........
GG: heheheh
AT: nO,
AT: bUT YOU SORT OF ARE,
AT: mY FRIEND IS GOING CRAZY, hE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU,
AT: hE LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, a LONG TIME AGO ON YOUR TIME LINE,
AT: tO TALK TO HIM, wHEN YOUR ROBOT BLOWS UP,
GG: oh yeah!
GG: i totally forgot about that
GG: does it really blow up or was that another trick?
AT: uHHHH,
AT: i DON'T KNOW, i CAN'T SEE IT BLOW UP IN YOUR FUTURE,
AT: nOT ON SCREEN,
AT: i MEAN,
AT: tHERE ARE LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS, aLL THE TIME, aNYWAY,
AT: tOO MANY EXPLOSIONS,
GG: hmmmmm
GG: you could ask me in the future!
AT: oK, i WILL ASK,
AT: oK,
AT: yOU SAID, yES, iT DID BLOW UP, aND YOU TALKED TO HIM,
AT: aND, uHHH,
AT: tHEN YOU SAID HE WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY NICE GUY, wHICH i THOUGHT WAS WEIRD,
GG: is he not a nice guy?
AT: nOT, rEALLY,
GG: hmmm....
GG: well maybe hes just been through some tough times
GG: maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt?
AT: uHHHH,
GG: for whatever its worth i think youre a pretty nice guy too!
AT: oKAY, tHANK YOU,
GG: also you seem to be the only one who ever thinks to talk to me while im asleep!
GG: why is that?
AT: oH, i GUESS,
AT: tHAT IT MAKES SENSE,
AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT,
AT: aND i'M CURIOUS,
AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP,
AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD,
AT: }:'(
GG: oh no!!!
GG: dream selves can die?
AT: yEAH,
GG: i never knew that
GG: or even thought about it....
GG: i guess it makes sense though
AT: uHH, yEAH,
AT: sO ENJOY YOUR NAP,
AT: wHILE IT LASTS,
AT: bYE,


30/05/10
"==>"






30/05/10
"Rose: Get trolled by GA."



|PESTERLOG|
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Hello Again
GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time
GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be
TT: Pardon?
GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time
GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose
TT: I'm a little busy.
GA: It Sounds Like You Are Attempting To Be The Smart Rose This Time
GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting
GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That
GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She
TT: That sounds about right.
GA: Whereas Dumb Rose Doesn't Capitalize Letters Even When Discussing The Proper Names Of Human Monsters In Earth Cinema
GA: I Think You Should Establish A Greater Commitment To A Single Roleplaying Scenario
TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation.
TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all.
TT: Imagine my disappointment.
TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on.
GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything
GA: What Are You Talking About
TT: I'd love to explain in detail and cause some sort of time paradox.
TT: But you see - and this revelation may be as startling as any -
TT: I'm a little busy.
GA: I Believe I Understand
GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation
GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet
TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn.
TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding.
TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose.
TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned?
TT: I'm busy.
TT: Goodbye.
GA: Fine


30/05/10
"Dave: Keep getting trolled by GC."



|PESTERLOG|
GC: D4V3 D4V3
GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T
TG: oh hell
GC: 1 F1N4LLY F1GUR3D 1T OUT
GC: ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL
GC: TH1S 1S YOU!!!!!!!
GC: http://tinyurl.com/D4V34NDBRO43V3R
GC: FFFF444444444444H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
TG: that
TG: ok thats pretty amazing
GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4
GC: OH GOD 1T 1S SO P3RF3CT
GC: JUST 4 COOL DUD3 4ND H1S BRO R1GHT TH3R3
GC: 4DV3NTUR1NG THROUGH T1M3
GC: 4ND PL4Y1NG P1NB4LL
GC: 1N BRO H34V3N TOG3TH3R
GC: T3LL M3 TH4T 1SNT SO FUCK1NG P3RF3CT
GC: >8]
TG: hey speaking of which
TG: where is my bro anyway
TG: havent seen him at all since i got here
TG: davesprite doesnt know
TG: you can see everything that goes on right
TG: or like smell it or whatever
TG: how does that even work
TG: how do you use a computer and know whats going on it doesnt make sense
TG: my face doesnt make sense
GC: D4V3 YOUR *F4C3* DO3SNT M4K3 ......
GC: D4MM1T
TG: hahaha
GC: BUT 4CTU4LLY YOUR F4C3 *DO3S* M4K3 S3NS3
GC: TO MY NOS3
GC: 4ND MY TONGU3 >:P
TG: ew
GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y
GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY
TG: