EB: who is jack noir?
CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE.
CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER.
CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE.
EB: so you didn't have him in your game?
CG: NO, WE DID.
CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS.
CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF.
CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER.
CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET.
CG: HE'S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH.
CG: BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO.
CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL.
EB: i see.
EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble?
CG: NO, GOD.
CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH.
CG: TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY.
CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES.
CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY?
CG: NAME ONE.
EB: ummmm...
EB: crash bandicoot?
CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT.
CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT.
CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS.
CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS.
CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT.
CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO.
CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES.
CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER.
CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING...
EB: like an ace?
CG: SURE OK.
EB: ok, i think i get it.
EB: but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did?
CG: FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS.
CG: IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION.
CG: BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME.
CG: FOR YOU.
EB: oh no!
EB: what is the worst thing?
CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.
EB: dammit!
EB: oh, hey...
EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something.
CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY.
EB: oh!!!!!
EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect.
EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect.
CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES?
CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES.
EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer.
CG: FUCK.
EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well.
CG: JUST...
CG: AUGH.