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06/12/07
"Begin Bard Quest"



You are a simple bard invited to perform before a bored and grumpy king. Your hands tremble as they clutch your humble instrument. You think to yourself "This is it. This is where all the hard work pays off. This is a bard's time to shine!"



06/17/07
"Introduce yourself!"



At the expense of getting started with your performance right away, you opt for an introduction. Surely this king cares who you are, or anything about you at all, for that matter!

<- Go back



06/17/07
"Shine his shoes."



Always eager to think of ways to ingratiate yourself in front of superiors, you notice a spot on the king's shoe. You hock a mean one into your trusty rag and set to work. This crusty old king will warm up to you yet!



06/17/07
"Keep shining."



Wow, you sure fucked that up fast!



06/17/07
"Sing a ballad about the king's beautiful queen"



You launch into an absolutely exquisite melodic paean about the king's wife. You even throw a little dance number in for good measure!



06/17/07
"Next"



The king is a homosexual!



06/17/07
"Next"



But the double entendre of "queen" suddenly dawns on him. He finds it quite clever and amusing.



06/17/07
"Next"



He appoints you as head dragon slayer of the kindom! You truly are an unlikely hero thrust into the position of greatness.



06/18/07
"Realize that you probably aren't qualified to slay a dragon"



You point out the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.



06/18/07
"Lute solo!"



Oh yes! You rip out some mean licks on your lute. The monster ballad rocks the palace hall, as the subjects are in awe of your lightning fingers.



06/18/07
"I bet the king really likes it!"



It seems the king has heard it before.



06/18/07
"Go to the blacksmith. To forge Bard Armor +5, of course."



You wander into the city streets to prepare for your questing. You wonder if you might want to stock up on several extra large dragon corpse satchels just to be on the safe side. But maybe you should start with the armor first. You think you'll stop by the smith's.

Or will you?



06/18/07
"Yeah, go to the smith first and get armor +5"



"I can make yer bard armor for you. +5 wot, though?"

The gentleman wonders what item, in addition to the armor, you would like in quantity of five?



06/21/07
"+5 Pulchritude"



"Why di'n't you say so! I got just the thing to spruce yer pulchritude right up!"



06/21/07
"Buy the armor"



You don't have enough golds!



06/21/07
"+5 Extra Large Dragon Corpse Satchels"



The smith wonders if just five satchels will be enough, considering your obvious natural abilities in the field of dragon slaying.



06/21/07
"What do you recommend?"



He gives you 10 satchels, on the house! He tells you to come back any time in case ou need more.



06/21/07
"+5 issues of your finest gay porn magazines"



Homosexuality is outlawed in this kingdom! Anyone caught in the act will be immediately locked up in the king's personal dungeon.

He sends you on your way, however, with a gracious recommendation. If asked, you have no idea where it came from.



06/21/07
"Go into the meat shop to buy 5 bratwurst"



You voice your request to the friendly butcher.



06/21/07
"Next"



"We don't stock dildos here! And besides, haven't you heard about the city ordinance on homosexuality??"



06/22/07
"Go to the Codsmith and buy an impressively large codpiece."



You set about looking for the local codsmith, or groincobbler as otherwise known sometimes. You are stunned to find a treasure trove! Cod Palace, the busy cod enthusiast's one-stop cod solution!



06/22/07
"Go in"



So many choices! You're like a kid in a candy store, and instead of candy, the kid finds a lot of cod pieces instead!



06/22/07
"Find something that strikes your fancy"



Sweet Jesus! You've found it. "Hull of the Flagship", it's called. It even has ruffled trim and a bell afixed. It's perfect. Alas, you do not have the golds for it.



06/22/07
"Offer to exchange your hat for the codpiece."



You offer your hat. The codsmith inspects its worth as potential material for a new cod piece. It shows promise, but it simply is not worth the same as the Hull of the Flagship. He refuses.



06/22/07
"Grab the cod piece and run"



In an act of understandable desperation, you snatch the piece and scram!

The angry smith calls for strapping men to apprehend you.



06/22/07
"Get the hell out of here!"



You find a window to a back alley and dive into the safety of a dumpster.



06/22/07
"Admire your prize"



Yes! You and your magnificent piece are alone together at last! Except for some vagrants camping in the alley. They ask if you can spare any cods, but you politely decline.



06/22/07
"don the cod piece"



You don the cod piece. Now this is the kind of comfort that is only possible with a top of the line luxury cod. The majesty of your union with the piece is heralded.



06/22/07
"Bask in your own glory"



You raise your arms in triumph. You are the king of this alley!



06/22/07
"Recruit the vagrants as your loyal followers of the codpiece"



Your subjects instantly prostrate themselves before the bearer of the great piece. They would do anything for you. They would take a crossbow bolt for your groin. In Cod they trust.



06/27/07
"Codpiece. Check. Servants. Check. Now slay a dragon."



You are clearly making progress here. Any adventurer would be lucky to begin a quest with your recent acquisitions. You can almost taste the dragon bounty already.



06/27/07
"Wait, what are your new servants wearing, exactly?"



Just a moment... you start to wonder if the attire of your servants is altogether appropriate? Their groins seem [i:4c2db633f1]conspicuously[/i:4c2db633f1] barren.



06/27/07
"Better get them pieces. Let's hit up Cod Palace"



You don't know why you didn't think of this earlier!



06/27/07
"Shop around as if nothing ever happened"







06/28/07
"Use a little more discretion for god's (cod's) sake"



You order your new servants to sneak into Cod Palace and snatch a couple cods that are befitting of a distinguished entourage.

They return successfully, and possibly completely unoticed!



06/28/07
"Make a run for it"



You flee, but the groin cobbler is hot on your trail!



06/28/07
"Go somewhere safe and celebrate"



You did it! You are free of the tyranny that would deprive your groins of a snug, fashionable cradling.

You cavort with carefree abandon, not the least bit concerned with the flopping about of the nether-regions. Nor are you concerned with any vengeful codsmiths who you are quite sure probably didn't follow you.



06/28/07
"Next"







06/28/07
"Who cares about that, just go kill some dragons"



You lead your party outside the town to begin what you can only assume will be an insane dragon murderfest. Your two companions are able-bodied, loyal, and clearly very intelligent. You wonder what their names are. You are too caught up in your bold leadership duties to ask though, and you figure you will probably just make up some stupid names for them later on.

Where would you like to go to find some dragons to slay?



07/05/07
"Take Flothers and Daunchy to dragon concentration camp"



Stupid Flothers! What a dumb suggestion! There is no such thing as a dragon concentration camp!

You slap Daunchy around a little too for good measure.



07/05/07
"Search for dragons in your immediate vicinity."



You peer into the thick forest, but you cannot see any dragons in your immediate vicinity. This quest will surely be a long and trying one.



07/05/07
"Find a dragon in the caverns of Harold."



Daunchy suggests looking for dragons in the caverns of Harold. You decide to teach him what happens to brainless servants who make up bullshit places.



07/05/07
"next"







07/05/07
"next"



Hey, look, the caves of Harold. You will consider entering the caverns of Harold at some point.



07/05/07
"Find a dragon in the swamp of mystery"



Top notch idea, flothers! An excellent idea like that deserves a reward. You hoist Flothers your thickest T-bone steak.



07/05/07
"Proceed to the swamp of mystery."



You find yourself in a really moist and smelly swamp. This is where the investment of a stolen cod piece really pays off. Your groin is warm and dry.

You see a swamp wizard.



07/05/07
"Do a dance"



You rip out one doozy of a silly dance. Dragons be damned. You'll have to slay this rhythm inside you first!

Daunchy and Flothers are really excited.







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04/06/16 - "END OF ACT 6"
04/06/16 - "[S] Collide."
04/02/16 - "[A6A6I5] ====>"

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RSS: Adventure Updates

WHOOPS, PAUSE
Posted on 29 July 2011 by Andrew

I'm heading out for the weekend. I had planned on putting something up before I left, but guess I'm running late with it. Wasn't planning on a break of such length, but looks like there'll be nothing to see until next week, due to *mishaps*.

Wanderers + Sburb
Posted on 14 July 2011 by Andrew





The first, an Exile-centric album brought to you by a collection of artists. The second, a solo album composed by Tyler Dever and performed by Erik Scheele. Both are great!

Are you running out of room on your ipod yet? You might have to start deleting some of that crappy non-HS music soon.

Oh Hey.
Posted on 7 July 2011 by Andrew

Two points of business to trouble you with. ONE: The What Pumpkin store has, mostly, been restocked. TWO: There's a good chance that the Bandcamp page will have new content some time next week.

That's all for now!
Traveling
Posted on 20 June 2011 by Andrew

I'll be out of town for a week, from 6/21 to 6/27. I will try to get some work done while I'm on the road, but updates will most likely be sparse til then. I am just doing you the service of liberating you from this extremely engaging web comic for a short period of time, so that you are free to go do other things, like play volleyball on the beach, and give high fives to your coolest friends.

I also feel that it is important to make an annual tradition of announcing a week long hiatus after sequences culminating in sloppy makeouts. What makeouts will be happening next year? How sloppy will they be? This is how I keep people hooked.

Two Albums
Posted on 31 May 2011 by Andrew

Homestuck Volume 7: At the Price of Oblivion



and...

A solo album by Michael Guy Bowman called Mobius Trip and Hadron Kaleido



Volume 7 is pretty self explanatory. Contains many songs from the story, plus a bunch of other great new ones. I say this every time, but this is now the best HS volume. AND IT KEEPS BEING TRUE EVERY TIME I SAY IT.

On the solo album: M.G. Bowman has done a lot to shape the sound of Homestuck. Among his contributions were Explore and Sburban Jungle (end of acts 2 and 3 music). He is also a mastermind behind the ambitious Hare Force One project (people ship Con Air bunnies to each other all over the globe). For his album, he has created two characters whose names are featured in the title. They exist somewhere in the Homestuck universe, playing their own session, and each song captures something about their adventure. See his website for what he has to say about it personally. I think it's a really fun and creative album with a fantastic sound.

Tavia Morra and Richard Gung, both art team contributors, worked on the art for this album together. Tavia and Michael themselves actually dress up as the characters and pose in the album graphics. These are serious entertainers, folks.

Things
Posted on 26 May 2011 by Andrew

If you ordered something from the WP store earlier in the month, those items have either been shipped already or will be very soon.

Also, all of the charity squiddles have shipped too. If you ordered one, and it doesn't arrive in the next week or two, let me know and I will look into it. As for the charity sketches, those I will be completing and mailing shortly as well.

Music: Albums incoming. Hang in there. I estimate they will drop within a week. They will contain songs you have heard, and many you haven't. They are great.

Dry spell
Posted on 15 May 2011 by Andrew

Nine days without a new page is a pretty long time! What was even UP with me? 5 days in Toronto + 4 days animating I guess is what was up. Ok that sounds reasonable. Everyone agrees with that and holds the creator exempt from charges of gross dereliction. We all smile pretty hard and our faces begin to hurt a little.

The song is M. Brown's BL1ND JUST1C3 : 1NV3ST1G4T1ON !! and can be found in an existing album, unmolested by disc errors.

Speaking of which, there will be more music on Bandcamp some time this month, won't there? Yes. Let me go talk it over with the music guys and see what we can put together for you over the next week or two. Hold on, let me go do that now, don't go anywhere.

Off I go
Posted on 5 May 2011 by Andrew

Ok, I am heading to TorontoCAF. I will see you there.

Be back next week. That is where all the updates will be hiding. The future.

God Tier Hoodies
Posted on 4 May 2011 by Andrew

New god tier hoodies in the What Pumpkin store! Plus a bunch of other new items, and a restocking of existing ones.



Only John's and Vriska's are available for now. There are more planned for the near future. (i.e. Aradia's) Note that there are t-shirt versions of the hoodies too, at different shades for a little variety (the tee colors actually correspond to the darker color of the hoods in the comic). Also take a look at the new long sleeve Jade shirt, with her vintage atom symbol. I think it's a nice complement to Dave's broken record shirt, which has the same raglan sleeve style.

Also: PRINTS! There are many great HS fan artists out there, in the art team and otherwise. For a while I have have the idea to offer prints of selected works here and there. For now there are some by art team members Lexxy and SA. I hope to add more to this page gradually.

And one last point on the store. Please take notice of the new support system. If you have a question or a problem with an order, please go through that! The old What Pumpkin email address has gotten swamped with so many different types of correspondence, it's become very difficult to field support cases through it. If you use the new system, rapid satisfaction is considerably more likely!

TCAF
Posted on 28 Apr 2011 by Andrew

I should also mention that soon I will be attending TCAF! If you can make it to Canada, you should come. If you happen to already be in Canada, then you really have no excuse not to go.

Insert disc 2
Posted on 28 Apr 2011 by Andrew

FACT: You will navigate the latest pages in different ways depending on your browser conditions. At the end of Insert disc 2, on many browsers (e.g. mine), you will automatically be redirected to the next page when it finishes "loading", or you may get there by clicking the link to "[S] Seer: Ascend" inside the Flash panel. These features will not work for some browsers, and instead you will see this message. Accessing that url will redirect you to the next page, [S] Seer: Ascend.

Note that there is no hyperlink to the next page below the disc 2 panel, and never will be. You must venture into disc 2 through one of the ways described above! I probably wouldn't have even bothered mentioning this if not for the browser compatibility hiccup.

The SbaHJ shirts.....: it is turning into a proud tradition that several weeks after releasing any SBaHJ product I must inform you that they all do in fact glow in the dark, in case you didn't realize. Please suspend this alarming reality in your thoughts as you urgently scramble to use your dollars to make them become your property.

Speaking of scrambling, dollars, and your ludicrous zeal for all the insanely rad things I advise you to drape over your body, there will be lots of cool new things in the WP store, very, very soon.

4/13
Posted on 14 Apr 2011 by Andrew

Two years of Homestuck!

But before we talk about that, let's carefully examine this fine new album by Clark Powell, who is responsible for such HS scores as Three in the Morning, and the Gate 1 Doctor remix, as well as a plethora of other album songs.



This one's very cool. Clark has a great ambient sound, and his idea for the album was to musically express the Medium's planets, through both their elements and themes. I think he nailed it. Cover art was tag-teamed by me and Cindy (the lady who touches all your WP shirts).

Also: New Topatoco items!



First of all, you will notice there are two new Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff shirts. People are always coming up to me and saying "we NEED more insanely shitty looking shirts to wear to places like church and stuff." What choice to I have but to serve these rowdy individuals with dollars in their hands and outstanding taste in their opinions???

In truth, Jeffrey and I cannot help ourselves from attempting to capitalize on this nonsense, because we both need aggressive psychiatric examination. But if you don't buy these shirts, we will both feel ashamed and foolish. Please buy these shirts. I'm begging you. If you don't, we will probably weep in each others arms, swaddled in an orange heap of 3000 dunking Big Men. As an incentive, I will make this solemn pledge. If I sell out of all of these SBaHJ shirts within a week, you are guaranteed to discover that I have permanently emblazoned SBaHJ iconography on my body somewhere, with real, honest to gog foreverink. You'll wonder how high I even will have had to have been. Fact. 8^y

Also note the classy Sepulchritude hoodie, perfect complement to your Sepulchritude tee. I will be coming out with HS god tier hoodies soon through What Pumpkin, and I thought that as long as such garments were being offered, it would be nice to have a Problem Sleuth one in the mix too. Plus, the godhoods won't have zipper fronts, and this one does. So if you like to zip up, like if that's your thing, then this is for you.

4/13/11

The two year anniversary of HS has come and gone. Not as much fanfare in-story about it as I'd hoped, but at least it got a nod. Remember when games came on multiple disks? You always were asked to swap during a kind of peculiar and underwhelming moment, like walking through a thing, or talking to a guy. Sometimes it was shortly after you got an airship, or something.

I had plans to do something a little more mesmerizing, like last year, but started running out of time. So I revised the plans, then ran out of time for THOSE too. And so on, til I said screw it. Disc 1 probably wouldn't have been able to fit another hefty animation in it anyway. Those discs are only like what, 700 MB??

It takes a lot to meet a deadline coming up fast, when the thing you are planning is meant to be a BIG DEAL, by definition. First you must come up with an animation idea, and that itself will take a long time to make. Then you must move the story along to the exact precipice of that moment, which also takes time, and must do so with enough time left to animate! Plenty of ways to blow it. Making this story on the fly requires not just a lot of drawing and writing, but the sensibilities of a producer. Knowing when to appropriate large amounts of effort for what purposes given various time constraints. I make adjustments to plans all the time, just like I did with the last 4/13 milestone (was originally scheduling end of act 4 for that). Hence this milestone was less jaw dropping, but then if you recall, the original 4/13 celebration was pretty underwhelming too. What will next 4/13 bring? Guess we'll see.

If I'm taking the time to reflect on two years of Homestuck as an achievement I'll do so here only as a gesture of gratitude to the steadfast readers, new and old. I am humbled by your devotion. This is not any sort of platitude to be dismissed as quasi-sincere acceptance speech fodder, or a dispatch from my PR department because sometimes you guys give me money for stuff. This is sincerely true. I look around and still cannot quite believe the magnitude of the enthusiasm that surrounds this story. I stopped being able to keep track of all the fan art for it more than a year ago, and even then there were thousands of fan-made images I would diligently attempt to pore through. I have honestly never seen so much fan art created for anything, anywhere, ever. Even things which have millions of dollars backing their production budgets. Maybe Harry Potter has more? (Alright let's get real. HS fan art is probably just now beginning to approach the subset of drawings that involve Harry being naked with somebody.) Greater and greater hordes of troll cosplayers can be spotted taking over the floors of conventions. You could have pressed me on the subject, but I never would have guessed anyone could be quite so tickled to be slathered in messy gray makeup and crowned by a homemade pair of horns. There is this seething passion for HS that is a self-organizing, autonomous entity unto itself, which is practically inaccessible to my understanding or involvement, even though I'm responsible for the content driving it. I've kept Homestuck's fire hot; its gaping furnace was hungry for coal so I got goddamn shoveling. But you have been responsible for breathing life into this monstrous organism which surrounds me, and now in its breadth transcends my work entirely. To thank you as a whole for this phenomenon almost doesn't sound rational. It's like thanking a furious thunderstorm for the deluge of rain it gave to your thirsty little box of poseys. My paltry utterance dissipates in the far deep rumbling. The clouds don't even notice I'm there because they're too busy swapping fan fiction. Maybe instead I'll offer something more significant than gratitude. Something more personal and experiential. I'll submit my amazement. You can't see me now, but it is a look of wonder and discovery. A boyish look of astonishment at something remarkable beyond words, like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, but on a more cosmic scale and more viscerally shocking. Like a squealing horrorterror's gruesome Cesarean birth. That is the look I have every time I disrupt the tunnel vision that keeps the work's bright sun searing my eyes. When they adjust to the dark, I see the silhouette in soft black focus of the young planet sized monster, chirping its affections. I offer it this look because it is all I have to give, with the exception of the tears streaming down my face. Its hunger is piqued at the fluid and my only regret is I can never possibly provide enough to nourish the orphan, now that it can never know the taste of its dead mother's heinous teatbrine.

Or...

Or I could just say thanks guys.

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN YEAR THREE!!!!!!!!